It’s not exaggerating to say that I’m happy.

In the last three years I broke free and started to live deliberately.

I don’t complain or blame others anymore.

I’ve done and achieved a lot of things I always wanted to. I’ve seen all my favorite bands live, I visited countries I always wanted to, I built the body I’ve never had, I started to write, I got promoted at work and got a raise, I dealt with all my mental and physical issues.

Today, I’m dancing across my apartment, laugh a lot, sleep well and look positively into the future.

But this wasn’t always the like that.

The whole foundation of everything I mentioned above goes back to one sentence I didn’t understand when I’ve heard for the first time.

Take responsibility for your life.

That is what people told me when I was 20 and complaining about my poor childhood, my parents, and feeling like a victim.

How could I do anything about how my parents behaved? - I asked.

I was simply there, I suffered, and now?

I had to live with the consequences. The only thing I could do was blame them for my shortcomings.

Then my girlfriend left me. She was so superficial, and I had done everything right.

What could I do? If she had been different, we would still be together.

And when the government finally did something about inflation, then I would have the money to go to the gym and travel the world.

But they only support the rich, so what could I do about that?

I literally lived my life like this. Leaned back and blamed everything and everyone for my own misery.

Taking responsibility wasn’t my strength but my creativity for creating excuses for everything was something I already mastered very early in my life.

As a result, I felt stuck and helpless for years until I understood what it actually means taking responsibility and how to take control over my life which led to something I could never imagine before, I broke free.

This might sound dramatic and honestly, it really felt epic.

Once you get into the right mindset, you feel unstoppable.

You think differently and ask different questions.

Instead of “Why me again,” “Why not,” or “Why them.” it becomes about “What can I do?” and “How can I move forward?”.

Taking responsibility sets you free and puts you in the position of control.

But then why are there so many people who live their whole life staying helpless and blaming?

Well, there is a good reason for that.

Blame Feels Good but Keeps You Stuck

People love complaining and blaming others because it is emotionally comfortable.

If the job is bad, the boss is the problem, not you.

If the relationship fails, the partner is the problem, not you.

If life feels unfair, the world is the problem, not you.

If money is short, the government is the problem, not you.

There are many problems, but they have nothing to do with you.

What a convenient situation.

But here is the important part you might not realize.

Blame protects your ego, yes, but it also removes your power.

If everything is someone else’s fault, nothing is under your control.

You are completely dependent on external circumstances.

Your life is controlled by luck, fate, chance, and powerful other people, but not by you.

It is the opposite of freedom. It is like being kept in a cage while someone else holds the key.

Helpless.

Many people operate in this helpless mode by default, without even noticing.

Let me give you an example I have heard countless times, one that will probably feel familiar.

Some people complain about their job for years. The work is meaningless, the money is not enough, and the boss is terrible.

When I listen to this, my problem-solving mind immediately asks:

How many job applications have you sent in the last 12 months?

Do you know what you would rather do instead of your current job?

When did you last learn a skill that could help you move forward?

The answer is usually that they do not even have a CV. They do not know how or where to apply for a new job.

By this point, they often already dislike me for asking and want to shut down the conversation quickly with something like:

“David, it is not as simple as you think.”

I show understanding, nod, and accept that they do not want to discuss it further.

The truth is, many people live their whole lives waiting for a miracle and blaming others for their situation while doing nothing that could change it.

They tell themselves the story that it’s not as simple as the situation of others.

Their problem is unique.

This comfort of blame feels good in the moment, but it keeps them stuck indefinitely.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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Why Most People Avoid Responsibility at All Costs

If you accept responsibility, you cannot hide anymore.

It removes the excuses you have been using for years.

And yes, it can hurt at the beginning.

Let me give you an example from my personal life that hopefully helps you understand what taking responsibility really means and why it can be painful at first.

After my last relationship ended, I decided to seriously change my life and started asking the right questions.

One of the first questions I asked myself was:

Why did almost all my relationships end in a similar way to the last one?

Note: At this point, I was already at a different level than when I was 20. The question came from a place of reflection and honesty with myself.

Mark Manson once said:

“Between all the problems and difficulties you have experienced, there is one common factor, and that is you.”

I loved this. It helped me stop blaming my ex-girlfriends for my unsuccessful relationships and start asking the most feared question out loud:

What did I do wrong?

Then I sat down and typed a long list into a note on my phone of things I messed up:

1. I behaved jealously several times without reason, mostly because of my own insecurities.

2. I did not support her in the things she wanted me to because I decided they were silly. In reality, I was jealous of her hobbies, mostly because I did not have any of my own.

3. I reacted by withdrawing love when she did not do something the way I wanted. I used the same pattern my mother used when she treated me as a child.

When I wrote down these things I got a heart rush, got red and started sweating. But this honest moment changed the way how I looked at situations in my life because there was nothing between me and the truth anymore.

There could be other examples regarding your financial problems, job, friendships, parents, or health.

You might blame your job for a low wage for not being able to save money while constantly buying the newest iPhone and never trying to find a new job or learn new skills.

Or you might wish for a beautiful partner and blame others for being superficial, while you complain constantly, neglect hygiene, and never make an effort to improve yourself.

Being radically honest with yourself can be extremely humbling and it hurts at first.

But after you face the truth, admit that not the whole world is against you, and acknowledge your own baggage, something important happens.

You start taking responsibility.

Owning your past behaviors also means that you can act differently in the future.

You are no longer a victim but you are in control.

Why Responsibility is Valuable: Lessons from Literature and Philosophy

The idea that taking responsibility sets you free is not something I discovered alone. Thinkers, writers, and leaders across centuries have arrived at the same conclusion from completely different directions, which tells you something about how fundamental this is.

Psychology: Internal Locus of Control and Self-Determination

Research consistently shows that people who believe they can influence their own outcomes report higher wellbeing, resilience, and life satisfaction. Psychologists call this an internal locus of control. People on the opposite end of the spectrum, those who believe life simply happens to them, tend to feel more like victims and less capable of changing their situation. Self-Determination Theory adds another layer to this: autonomy is a core psychological need. You feel fulfilled when you act as the author of your own life rather than handing that authorship over to circumstances or other people.

Jocko Willink and Leif Babin: Extreme Ownership

In Extreme Ownership, Willink and Babin make the case that every outcome, success or failure, is ultimately your responsibility. Leaders who genuinely internalize this stop wasting energy on blame. They analyze what happened, adapt, and move. The argument runs deeper than leadership though. Discipline and accountability are not constraints on freedom, they are what create it.

Stoicism: The Dichotomy of Control

Epictetus divided life into two categories: what is within your control and what is not. Your actions, your attitude, your judgments, those are yours. Other people’s behavior, external events, outcomes, those are not. Suffering, according to the Stoics, comes largely from confusing the two. Responsibility starts exactly here: owning what is genuinely yours to own and releasing what never was.

Viktor Frankl: Choosing How You Respond

Man’s Search for Meaning is one of those books that is difficult to argue with. Frankl survived Nazi concentration camps and came out with a conclusion that has stayed with me since I first read it: the last human freedom is the choice of how you respond to any situation. If someone in those circumstances could hold onto that, the excuses most of us carry around start to feel a lot less solid.

My Take

My life changed significantly once I stopped waiting for external circumstances to improve and started owning everything I could. That does not mean I blame myself for things outside my control, it means I focus my energy on what I can actually do something about and let go of the rest. What followed was not just more productivity or better habits. It was a genuine sense of freedom. There are very few situations now where I hit a wall and feel completely helpless, because there is almost always something on my side I can adjust, try differently, or let go of entirely. That feeling of having options, even in difficult moments, is what freedom actually feels like to me.

A Framework for Taking Responsibility and Gaining Freedom

Enough theory.

The point of understanding why something works is to use it. What follows are the practical steps and examples that can help you actually start living this way rather than just finding it interesting.

Step 1: Identify What Is Truly Yours

This mental model helps you split your life into three categories so your brain stops wasting energy on the wrong things.

The Circle of Control

These are the things you directly control. This is where your responsibility truly lies.

How you prepare for important moments. Whether you show up on time, dress well, plan ahead, schedule your training, or prepare what you want to say. Before a date you can make sure you look presentable, smell good, arrive on time, and have a plan for the evening. Nobody else is responsible for that.

The effort you put into your work. Starting the task even when you do not feel like it, finishing what you committed to, improving your skills over time. When writing an article you can sit down, write a draft, edit it, and ask for feedback. That part is entirely yours.

How you treat other people. Listening attentively, speaking honestly, keeping your promises. In any conversation you can choose to be curious and respectful, even when the other person is not.

Your attitude when things go wrong. Staying constructive instead of looking for someone to blame. Choosing to learn from a mistake rather than defending yourself against it.

The Circle of Influence

These are things you cannot fully control but can meaningfully influence through your actions and preparation.

You cannot control whether someone feels chemistry on a date, but you can show up present and engaged. You cannot control whether readers love your article, but you can research well, write carefully, and edit thoroughly. You cannot control the final hiring decision, but you can prepare well, communicate clearly, and present your experience honestly.

Your effort matters here. The outcome is shared.

The Circle of Concern

These are the things you care about but cannot control or meaningfully influence. Other people’s opinions of you. The economy. Market conditions. The weather on race day. The past.

Most people spend the majority of their mental energy here. That is where the helplessness comes from.

A simple way to remember it: focus your energy in the Circle of Control, do your best in the Circle of Influence, and notice the Circle of Concern without letting it run your life.

Step 2: Radical Honesty

I already gave you a taste of what this looks like with my relationship example. The bad news is that it can be painful to go through. The good news is that once you lay everything out on the table there is nothing left to hide, and the next time you do this it will be significantly easier than the first. You also do not need to share any of it with anyone. This is between you and yourself.

The rule is simple. Every sentence starts with “I” and it ends the moment you start explaining why it was not really your fault. The words “but,” “because,” “since,” and “if only” are usually the signal that you are sliding back into excuse territory. Stop there.

There is one exception. “Because” is allowed when it points back toward you, your feelings, your patterns, your choices. The test is simple: does the “because” lead back to you or away from you? If it leads away, stop. If it leads back, keep going.

Being jealous in a relationship

Instead of: I was jealous because she went out a lot and gave me enough reasons.

Radical honesty version: I was jealous because I felt insecure and thought she would leave me for someone better.

The first “because” points outward toward her behavior. The second points inward toward your own insecurity. That is the difference. Her going out belongs to the Circle of Concern. Your jealousy and what is driving it belong to the Circle of Control.

Drinking despite your goals

Instead of: I drank last weekend because it was my friend’s birthday.

Radical honesty version: I drank even though I had committed to staying sober.

The birthday belongs to the Circle of Concern. The choice belongs to you.

Diet

Instead of: I ate the pizza because my coworkers brought it to the office.

Radical honesty version: I chose to eat the pizza even though I knew it did not fit my nutrition plan.

Other people offering food is not your responsibility. What you put in your body is.

Finances

Instead of: I cannot save because I do not make enough money.

Radical honesty version: I did not prioritize saving or look for ways to improve my financial habits.

Income level is partly outside your control. How you plan and use what you have is not.

You can do this for every area of your life where you are unsatisfied and have been telling yourself you have no control. In most cases you have more room than you think.

Step 3: Adopting the Mindset in Everyday Life

Once you have been through the first two steps you can start applying this awareness in real time.

The shift is simple: you stop asking “why is this happening to me” and start asking “what can I do about this.”

If your realization is: I did not prioritize saving money. The question becomes: How can I prioritize saving from now on?

If your realization is: I chose to eat the pizza despite my plan. The question becomes: How do I handle that situation differently next time?

If your realization is: My life feels boring because I never plan anything for myself. The question becomes: What could I plan for this weekend?

The Circle of Concern disappears from the equation. You focus entirely on what you can control and move straight to solutions. That one shift, from “why” to “how”, is what separates people who feel stuck from people who feel free.

This works like a muscle. The more you use it the more automatic it becomes. Today this is my default mode. When something in my life is not where I want it to be, I go straight to the how. I rarely waste energy on things outside my control, and the part of my life where I have genuine influence has expanded far beyond what I once thought possible.

You can get there too.

Step 4: Use AI as a Sparring Partner

After you have adopted the mindset of responsibility, AI can be an incredible tool to support you on the journey.

It helps not only to identify where your responsibility lies but also to ask the right questions about solutions and give you inspiration on how to approach them.

If you want to make your life more exciting because you realized you had been blaming the world for your boredom, tools like ChatGPT can give you a long list of options to bring novelty back into your life.

If you have admitted honestly that you have been avoiding your finances, AI can help you build a starting plan.

The key is to use it to look inward and move forward, not to outsource the thinking you need to do yourself.

Freedom Was Always Yours

Most people spend their lives waiting.

Waiting for the right moment, the right circumstances, the right person to finally make things easier.

What they do not realize is that the waiting is the cage.

Freedom is not something that happens to you when conditions improve.

It is something you build, decision by decision, by owning your life completely.

The mess, the failures, the patterns you are not proud of, and the next step forward.

When I was 20 and someone told me to take responsibility for my life I had no idea what that meant.

Now I do.

It meant stop waiting.

It meant that nobody was coming to save me, and that this was not a tragedy but the most liberating truth I had ever heard.

That truth is available to you too.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I haven’t caught a cold or the flu in over three years.

That’s not a coincidence.

It’s the result of three things working together: consistent exercise, proper sleep, and a diet I completely rebuilt from scratch. This article is about the diet part.

I’m not a nutritionist. I’m someone who used to have heartburn, bloating, bad skin, and felt heavy after almost every meal. I was getting sick regularly.

Today I eat clean, spend less money on food than I ever did, and my body feels like it’s finally working with me instead of against me.

Here’s the system I built.

What I Removed First

Before adding anything new, I cut what was quietly draining me. This is where most people need to start because addition without removal doesn’t work.

Meat. Replaced with fish, legumes, tofu, and plant proteins.

Added sugar. Including the hidden sugar inside most packaged food.

Alcohol. Gone completely. There’s a separate article about that journey.

Soda and sweetened drinks. Replaced with water and unsweetened tea.

Ultra-processed food. If it comes in plastic packaging with a long ingredient list, I don’t buy it.

A practical rule I use when shopping: if it has more than five ingredients or contains added sugar, I leave it on the shelf. Fresh vegetables, fruits, legumes, and nuts need no label check at all.

This one filter eliminated most of the problem.

One thing worth saying: this is my list. You don’t have to cut meat completely or quit alcohol to improve your diet. But it’s worth paying attention to how your body actually feels after eating certain things. Build your own removal list from that.

What I Eat Instead

My diet is what most people would call boring but I think of it as a system.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with nuts, seeds, and fruit like blueberries. Almost the same every day so I don’t spend mental energy on it.

Lunch and Lunch 2: Steamed colorful vegetables with rice, quinoa, lentils, or sweet potatoes. Protein comes from tofu or fish. I cook once and eat the same meal twice.

Shakes: Protein powder with almond milk, chia seeds, nuts, raw cacao, cinnamon, oats, and fruit. One shake at around 10:30am and another as my last meal, no later than 7pm.

Five meals a day, and I try to finish my last solid meal as early as possible so it doesn’t interfere with sleep. That detail alone made a noticeable difference.

The principle behind all of this is consistency over variety. Your body adapts well to routine. Decision fatigue around food is a real drain and it leads to bad choices. Eating reliable meals removes that friction.

How I Stay Hydrated

Most people are mildly dehydrated most of the time and never connect it to their low energy, poor focus, or bad skin. Hydration is one of the most underrated things you can fix quickly.

My routine is simple. I start every morning with two cups of sencha green tea. During the day I drink around two liters of rooibos tea, no sugar, nothing added.

No juice, no soda, no sweetened anything. Green tea in particular gives you hydration plus antioxidants and a calm, steady energy that coffee doesn’t always give you.

If you want to change one thing this week, replace one coffee or soda with an unsweetened tea and increase your water intake. The effect on focus and energy shows up faster than most people expect.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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The Supplements I Take Daily

Food first, supplements second. But there are real gaps that diet alone doesn’t always cover, especially if you train hard or live somewhere with limited sunlight.

Here is what I take every day:

Omega-3 because it’s anti-inflammatory and supports brain and heart health.

Vitamin D3 with K2 because it’s essential if you don’t get regular direct sunlight. D3 supports immunity and mood, K2 makes sure calcium goes where it should.

Magnesium because it supports sleep quality and muscle recovery.

Zinc because it supports recovery and immune function.

Creatine because it’s one of the most researched supplements available for muscle strength and cognitive function.

Ashwagandha because it’s an adaptogen that helps manage stress and cortisol levels.

Algae-based supplements as a plant-based source of key micronutrients I don’t always get from food alone.

None of these replace a clean diet. But together with good food they close the gaps.

How I Solved the “What Should I Cook?” Problem

This was my biggest barrier for years. Standing in a supermarket with no plan, buying random things, wasting food, spending more than I needed to.

AI fixed it almost overnight.

I use this prompt in ChatGPT every few days:

“I need three vegetarian recipes for today’s lunch and dinner. I’m trying to save time and electricity, so I only want to cook once a day. The recipes should work for both lunch and dinner, meaning I cook at midday and eat the same meal again in the evening. The recipes should be as healthy as possible and support muscle building, recovery and sleep. First suggest the options, then I’ll choose and you can describe them with a shopping list and the preparation. Consider that I work out every day and do intense and long running sessions.”

I adjust until I get three options I actually want to cook. Then I have an exact shopping list with quantities. No waste, no guessing, lower cost.

I also use a shopping list app (Bring) which helps me avoid impulse buying entirely. You can adapt the prompt to your own diet, vegetarian, keto, whatever. The principle is the same: go to the supermarket with a plan.

Where to Start: A 4 Month Plan

You don’t need to change everything at once. That’s exactly how most diet attempts fail. Too much, too soon, and you quit by week two.

Month 1: Remove the worst offenders. Soda, energy drinks, sweetened drinks, obvious junk food. Replace with water and unsweetened tea. Just get used to this first. Once you cut what your body doesn’t need, your sleep and energy will already shift.

Month 2: Fix your shopping. Use the AI prompt before you go to the supermarket. Try not to buy anything on impulse. It’s better for your health and your wallet.

One practical rule: never shop when you’re hungry. In that state you can’t think clearly and you’ll buy things based on how you feel in that moment, not what you actually need.

Month 3: Build your boring routine. Pick one breakfast you can eat every day without thinking. Oatmeal, eggs, yoghurt with fruit, whatever fits you. Remove the decision entirely. Set fixed times for your meals and shakes. If you want to improve your sleep specifically, try to finish your main meals before 6pm so your body has time to digest before bed.

Month 4: Add one supplement. Start with Vitamin D3 with K2 if you live somewhere with limited sun, or Omega-3 if your diet is low in fish. If you train regularly, consider adding a protein powder, ashwagandha, and zinc on top of that.

After four months you’ll have a foundation that actually holds.

The Bigger Picture

I didn’t change my diet in isolation. It came by getting serious about running, fixing my sleep, and quitting alcohol. Each change made the next one easier.

But here’s what I didn’t expect: when your body works properly, everything else opens up.

You have energy to do the things you actually want to do. You don’t lose days to feeling heavy, foggy, or sick. You show up to your work, your training, your relationships without your body being the obstacle. That’s not a small thing. That’s the difference between living reactively and living deliberately.

Health is not the goal. It’s what makes the goal possible.

The plan above is not a blueprint. It’s a starting point. With time you’ll figure out what works for you specifically. Pay attention to the small signals: how you sleep, how your skin looks, how your mood shifts, how your energy holds through the day.

I started thinking about food differently somewhere along the way. Less as something to enjoy in the moment and more as something that either supports or undermines the life I’m trying to build.

When you’re healthy, you’re free.

That’s the whole point.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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Your phone rings.

It’s your mother.

“We’re having a family dinner on Sunday. You need to come.”

You’re exhausted. You had a hard week at work. You desperately need a weekend alone to recover.

You want to say no.

But you can already feel the guilt creeping in. The disappointment in her voice if you decline. The family talking about you behind your back.

“He couldn’t even show up for one dinner.”

So you say yes.

You hang up, and immediately feel resentful. Not at her. At yourself.

Because you just gave away your Sunday. The one day you needed for yourself.

This is what life without boundaries looks like.

It’s not dramatic.

It’s small moments like this, again and again, until you realize your time, your energy, your entire life belongs to everyone except you.

Or maybe it’s your coworker.

“Hey, can you quickly take a look at this? It’ll only take a minute.”

It’s 5:45pm. You’re about to leave. You want to say no.

But you say yes anyway. Because saying no feels risky. What if they think you’re not a team player? What if it affects your reputation?

So you stay. Again.

“Hey, can you quickly take a look at this? It’ll only take a minute,” asks the coworker.

“I really need you right now,” says the friend who only reaches out when they need something.

“You’re really not coming? That’s disappointing,” says the family, adding pressure.

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” when social pressure kicks in.

“Wait, one more thing…” when you actually want to leave the conversation.

“You’re too sensitive,” when someone disrespects you again.

Sounds familiar?

These are everyday situations that happen to all of us. Sometimes you’re not even aware of them because you’ve become used to having no boundaries in your life.

You start to think it’s normal.

But that also means you’ve become used to the consequences.

The Cost of Having No Boundaries

Constant exhaustion because you keep saying yes when you actually need rest.

Hidden resentment because you agree to things you don’t want, but feel annoyed or even angry inside.

Loss of self-respect because every time you ignore your own needs, a part of you notices.

People take more and more because you don’t set limits.

Feeling out of control because your time and energy feel like they belong to everyone else.

Emotional overload because you absorb other people’s stress and problems.

Disconnection from yourself because you get so used to adjusting to others that you stop asking what you actually want or need.

And you repeat this pattern again and again because setting a boundary would trigger the emotion you want to avoid at all costs: guilt.

I know this because I’ve felt guilty many times in my life when I dared to say no to someone important to me. It felt like I had done something wrong just because I chose myself over others.

But the worst thing about guilt is that people can use it to get what they want.

They know you feel bad when they ask for another favor.

They know you struggle to say no while looking them in the eyes.

Guilt is an absolutely justified social emotion, and it’s linked to our need for belonging.

Saying no can feel like risking rejection, which means that you might end up being alone. From an evolutionary perspective, being alone was equal to a death sentence. But in today’s world, being alone doesn’t necessarily mean the worst thing that can happen to you. Plus, you’re able to survive because you work and earn, which means you can take care of yourself.

Tip: One way to reduce the power of guilt is to learn how to be happy alone.

So we can say that guilt, in modern life, often shows up at the wrong moments, especially when you try to protect your own time and energy.

Fortunately, this is not something you need to live with forever.

You just need to rewire your body and mind so that saying no and prioritizing yourself and your wellbeing feels absolutely fine and even necessary. You have to collect evidence for yourself that declining another favor won’t end up in a social catastrophe. And of course, people around you might be surprised at the beginning of your journey since you’ve taught them that you’re somebody who always says yes.

Change is never an easy process.

But before we can discuss the strategies of building healthy boundaries, we need to take a look at what kind of boundaries we’re talking about.

5 types of boundaries

1. Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries protect your personal space, body, and physical comfort.

They’re about what you allow or don’t allow when it comes to touch, proximity, or physical presence.

Examples of when to use them:

• Someone stands too close

• Someone touches you without asking

• Someone enters your space without permission

This happens more frequently than we might think. For example, when I’m standing in line at the supermarket and someone stands so close I can feel their breath, I turn and say: ‘Could you give me a bit more space, please?’ Earlier in my life, I would have stayed silent and felt uncomfortable. Now I address it immediately.

2. Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries protect your mental wellbeing and emotional energy.

They prevent you from becoming responsible for other people’s emotions, drama, or manipulation.

Examples of when to use them:

• Someone constantly complains but never changes

• Someone tries to guilt trip you

• Someone expects you to solve their emotional problems

My mother used to call me during my college years and dump all her problems on me without asking how I was doing. Every single day. I felt exhausted after every call, but I didn’t know how to stop it. Today, when someone tries to make me responsible for their emotional problems, I disengage from the conversation.

3. Time Boundaries

Time boundaries protect how your time is used.

Many people lose control of their time because they automatically say yes to requests.

Examples of when to use them:

• Too many meetings

• Last-minute requests

• People interrupting your schedule

For me, Sunday is non-negotiable alone time. Reading, writing, slow day. When people ask me to meet on Sunday, I simply say I’m not available. I don’t explain why or justify myself. Sunday is mine, and I protect it.

4. Energy Boundaries

Energy boundaries protect your mental focus and personal capacity.

Even if you technically have time, some activities drain your energy so much that they affect everything else.

Examples of when to use them:

• Spending time with people who constantly drain you

• Taking on projects that exhaust you mentally

• Being constantly available to everyone

After a hard week at work, I’m exhausted. When someone invites me to after-work drinks or a party, my default answer is no. If I want to see them, I suggest another day when I have more energy. I used to force myself to go and then regret it. Now I protect my energy without guilt.

5. Financial Boundaries

Financial boundaries protect how your money is used and shared.

Without boundaries here, people can feel pressured to lend, give, or spend money in ways that don’t align with their priorities.

Examples of when to use them:

• Friends asking to borrow money

• Family expecting financial help

• Social pressure to spend more than you want

Years ago, my ex-girlfriend wanted me to sell my ETFs to buy furniture she liked because she wasn’t patient enough to save for it. I said no. It would have been stupid to sell my investments just to buy furniture. I don’t compromise on my financial decisions, even when people push emotionally.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

Subscribe now

How to Recognize Your Own Boundaries

Before you can enforce your boundaries, the first step is to become aware of your own limits.

1. Identify Your Non-Negotiables

For me personally, sleep, gym, and Sunday only for myself are non-negotiable boundaries.

I know that if I don’t sleep well and early enough, my next day will be bad. Gym session with sauna is very important to me for my physical and mental balance. And on Sunday, I love to spend the day alone.

But you might have different ones that help you stay balanced in your daily life.

Take some time to think about them and make some notes on your phone.

2. Track Your Energy and Mood

This strategy is one of the best ways to find and define your own limits.

For example, you notice that after two hours of meetings, you feel mentally drained. This shows your “meeting limit” before you need a break.

I figured out for myself that I can’t go out on two days directly after each other because I feel exhausted. Or after work, I don’t do more than one activity. For example, if I go to the gym, then I don’t meet friends after that. So my boundary is work + maximum one activity.

Pay attention to your mood and energy so you can make notes about your own boundaries.

3. Notice Physical Signals

This is another important one that helped me understand my limits.

After an over-scheduled day (work + 2+ activities), I sleep poorly. Or if you have back pain, tight shoulders, or shaking hands, you need to pay attention.

What are the causes behind these symptoms?

Sometimes the things you thought were normal are the most important, but you ignored them your whole life because people said “it’s normal.”

But being dead tired around 10am and drinking 10 coffees to stay awake is not normal. I had panic attacks because I worked so much and didn’t pay attention.

4. Reflect on Emotional Responses

Are you angry? Or do you feel annoyed by somebody again?

When a friend constantly asks for favors without offering support in return, your limit is being over-committed emotionally.

I felt tremendous guilt all the time when my mother called me during my college years and dumped all her problems on me without asking how I was doing. Every single day.

That was a strong emotional response I could have avoided if I had set that boundary. But I didn’t, and the consequence was that I couldn’t enjoy myself - my mind was full of my mother’s problems all the time.

Fortunately, I recognized the pattern, and I set that boundary for myself.

My life improved drastically.

How to enforce boundaries without feeling guilty

Once you have a better understanding of your limits, you can start implementing small changes in your life.

It’s not about doing a hard cut but taking step-by-step subtle changes that don’t overwhelm others but help you become more balanced physically and mentally.

Level 1: Start with Non-Negotiables (Easiest)

This is the easiest step to implement because you don’t necessarily need to say that hard “no” to everyone. You can simply say that you’re busy at that time.

People have more understanding for that than for getting a plain no.

Plan your days in advance as well as possible and fill in things that you want to have in your life without compromises.

For example, when your non-negotiable is to go to a Pilates session, put it into the calendar and book the session. Or if you’re like me and want to be alone on Sunday, you can simply say to people that on Sunday you can’t.

Important note: you don’t need to start explaining yourself if somebody asks about your Sunday. Simply saying that it’s a day for yourself is absolutely enough.

After this experiment and saying no a couple of times, you’ll gain more experience with how you feel about saying no. That’s exactly what we want.

Example phrases:

• “I’m not available on Sundays.”

• “That’s my gym time.”

• “I have plans.” (Even if the plan is resting alone.)

Level 2: Time and Space Boundaries

With this new confidence, you can also start setting time or space boundaries because they’re less emotionally loaded.

For example, you don’t answer messages after 7pm, or you don’t open the door after 9pm.

You can also apply this at work: truly stop working at 6pm because you know that working longer leads to diminishing returns and you don’t have enough time for yourself to wind down after the day.

I used to answer work slack messages until 9pm or 10pm. Then I decided: no more work communication after 6pm.

The first week, I felt anxious. What if something urgent came up? What if my boss needed me?

But nothing catastrophic happened. A few colleagues sent me messages at 7pm or 8pm. I didn’t answer. The next morning, everything was fine. They learned I wasn’t available after 6pm, and they adjusted.

Now, when someone sends me something at 8pm, I don’t even feel guilty about not responding.

My evenings are mine.

This is still the lower difficulty level. Sometimes you don’t even need to say anything - you just stop doing it, like I did with slack messages. But other times, people will ask directly, and you’ll need to decline out loud.

When you need to say it:

• “I can’t commit to that right now.”

• “My schedule is full this week.”

• “I can help next week, not today.”

Level 3: Small “No” Boundaries in Low-Stakes Situations

Here is where the process gets more serious, but don’t worry, we’re not in the hot zone yet.

There are many less relevant situations where people don’t set boundaries but still feel the pain afterwards.

For example, when people who want to sell something ring my doorbell, and once I open the door, they start talking for minutes without a pause.

Earlier in my life, I listened to the end, answered all their questions, and got red, had a heart rush, and started sweating because I felt trapped. I knew that I didn’t want anything from them, but I couldn’t say no.

Today, I interrupt them very quickly and say that I’m not interested. Most of them take it better than we might think.

This is exactly a low-stakes situation because there are no real consequences for saying no.

Or for example, when people from the office ask you to pick up their package at the packet shop, which is a mile away in the other direction. You can say politely no because it’s not on your way. It’s not being rude and not about not wanting to help, but simply protecting your own boundaries.

Example phrases for low-stakes situations:

• “I’m not interested, thanks.”

• “That’s not on my way, sorry.”

• “I can’t help with that.”

• “No, thank you.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

Level 4: Emotional Boundaries (Harder)

This is where most people start to feel the guilt I mentioned above.

In my life, my mother regularly crossed my emotional boundaries while using me as her emotional caretaker.

She loaded all her problems on me. She felt better; I felt worse.

Many people have friends too who complain all the time, and you have to listen to them, otherwise you’re not a good friend.

Unfortunately, the guilt part is known for many people, and they often use it as part of their manipulation repertoire.

In these cases, the same applies: notice first. If you feel overwhelmed by others, or you don’t have the capacity to process problems of others, then it’s time to set that boundary.

When I finally set a boundary with my mother about the daily problem-dumping calls, it was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

One day, she called and immediately started unloading about her problems. After five minutes, I interrupted:

“Sorry, I can’t have this conversation right now. I need to go.”

There was silence. Then:

“Who should I talk to about these things then?”

The guilt hit me, but I stayed firm:

“You have a husband, and I can’t listen to these things all the time because I feel bad too.”

She was upset. The call ended awkwardly, and she didn’t call me for a week. She reacted as usual: withdrawal of love, attention, and care.

The next time she called, I kept the boundary. If she started dumping, I said I had to go.

But after a few weeks, something changed. She stopped calling every day. When she did call, the conversations were shorter. My emotional wellbeing, my mood improved drastically.

The guilt faded. The relief stayed.

Example phrases:

• “I understand how you feel, but I can’t fix this for you.”

• “I’m not able to have this conversation right now.”

• “I need to step back from this topic.”

• “I can’t discuss this right now; it’s too much for me today.”

• “Can we talk about this another time? I need a bit of space right now.”

• “This topic isn’t something I can handle today.”

In these situations, you need to keep in mind that it’s about your own boundaries and protecting yourself. You don’t explain too much, you don’t justify yourself, and you don’t apologize for having a limit.

Level 5: Social Boundaries with Close People (Hardest)

Setting boundaries in a social context with close people is the hardest because the pushback at the beginning is stronger, and the guilt you will feel can be overwhelming.

This includes:

• Telling your family you won’t attend every Sunday dinner

• Declining a close friend’s birthday party because you need rest

• Saying no to your parents’ request to visit for a holiday

• Not joining friends on a weekend trip because you need alone time

• Telling your partner you need an evening to yourself

• Skipping a family gathering without a “good excuse”

A close friend messaged me on Friday afternoon.

“Hey, we’re going out for food and drinks. You coming?”

I was exhausted. All I wanted was to stay home, cook something simple, and watch a movie alone.

Old me would have said yes immediately. I would have forced myself to go, spent the whole evening drained, drinking and regretted it the next day.

This time, I said: “I can’t tonight. I need to rest.”

“Come on, man. Just for a couple of hours. It’ll be fun!”

I felt the pressure. The guilt. They’d think I was boring. Antisocial. Not a good friend.

But I stayed firm: “I’m exhausted. I need to rest tonight. Let’s do something next week instead.”

There was a pause until the next message came.

Then: “Alright, no worries. Next week then.”

That was it. No drama. No friendship ending. He understood.

I spent that Friday night alone, and felt no guilt.

The next week, we met for coffee. Everything was fine.

That moment taught me: most people respect your boundaries if you’re direct and calm. The ones who don’t aren’t the ones you want in your life anyway.

Example phrases:

• “I need this weekend to rest.”

• “I can’t make it, but I hope you have a great time.”

• “I’m not up for it today.”

• “I need some time alone right now.”

• “Let’s do something next week instead.”

Level 6: Values and Lifestyle Boundaries

This is something I had to enforce more recently in my life. Since I stopped drinking alcohol, people wanted to cross my new boundary regarding drinking.

Last year at a company event, someone kept insisting I have a beer.

“David, come on! We only live once!”

I said: “I don’t drink. I’m good with water.”

“Come on, just one beer! You don’t have to go crazy, just one!”

Old me would have caved. Taken the beer and felt weak for not sticking to my boundary.

This time, I said calmly: “I don’t drink but thanks”

“You’re being too serious! Loosen up a bit!”

I didn’t get defensive. I didn’t explain.

I just said: “I’m loose enough.” And changed the subject.

They dropped it.

Most people do once they see you’re not budging.

Fortunately, I don’t miss alcohol at all, so pushing back isn’t difficult for me, but it might be hard for you in the same or similar situations.

These boundaries are about protecting your larger life vision, health, and priorities.

I protect my vision that I want to live healthy. You might want to protect your mental wellbeing by not participating in family drama again. Or you choose to stick to your fitness routine even if people mock you for that.

Boundary maintenance

Once you’ve become more familiar with the boundary-setting process, it’s worth reviewing it regularly.

This process goes back to the awareness part.

Ask yourself regularly: How did I feel today?

When you feel exhausted, find the reason for that.

When you feel guilt or emotionally overwhelmed, ask why.

Based on the new information, you can rethink your boundaries, the non-negotiables, and you can update them easily.

Don’t forget: it’s a long-running process without a finish line, with the goal to get better and better at it.

Final Words

Setting boundaries is not something only you need to learn, but also your environment needs to learn the new version of yourself.

If they only knew you as someone who always said yes, then your change might be a surprise.

But it’s okay.

This is part of the process.

I’m not going to lie: there will be people who won’t be happy about it.

You might lose people who were always part of your life. They might blame you for setting your boundaries.

I’m telling you this because it happened to me, and I want you to be prepared.

Usually, people who truly love you for being who you are, are the ones who take it easily.

Or the ones who also have their own boundaries. I have friends who often tell me no or set time and space boundaries, and I respect them for that. They don’t complain a word when I say no to them.

In order to not overwhelm your environment, you should start slowly.

First with the non-negotiable ones, and then you can experiment with the more emotionally loaded situations.

The goal is that you achieve a state in your life where you’re in charge of your own wellbeing, you don’t feel guilt for being yourself, and you can live free and deliberately.

Good luck on your journey!

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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Do you remember what you did yesterday and why?

And what did you do today?

And why?

Surprisingly, a lot of people struggle to answer these questions, especially the why part.

I remember three years ago when I wanted to buy a Christmas tree only for myself, but I stopped before I could leave my apartment because a question came into my mind:

Why am I doing this at all?

The only thing I could tell myself was: because I’ve always done it.

I spent money every year on a Christmas tree just to have it for two weeks in my apartment and throw it out after the short holiday season.

After I realized that, I asked myself whether I really needed it.

Funnily, the answer was a straightforward no.

This wasn’t the first moment in my life that I questioned recurring things, and the more I realized how powerful the question actually was, the more I adapted this new way of being: living deliberately.

It feels like taking over the wheel on a road where I was only a passenger before. The car had been operating in autopilot mode. Now I’m able to push the brake, slow down, look at the map, and ask myself where I actually want to go.

It’s freedom.

Over the years, I developed the habit of awareness, which helps me not to slip back into the passenger seat.

Most of the things I do today have their purpose in my life. Either they carry me toward my goals or give me space and time to rest or entertain myself.

And I can tell that this way of living highly contributes to the fact that I feel really happy, well-balanced, and content with everything I do.

Now, having this experience, I want to help you wake up and gain control over your life - control that you might never have had, or that you lost by falling into sleepwalking without even noticing it.

You might feel frustrated, weak, bored, angry, or exhausted without knowing what the reason could be.

If you’re interested, stay with me through the following sections. I’m going to give you a simple framework for how to start living deliberately and free so you can be the leader of your own life again.

Understanding Autopilot: Your Brain's Default Mode

Autopilot is when your behavior runs automatically based on habits, routines, or learned patterns.

It’s like the brain executing a stored program that we or somebody else installed.

There’s no active decision or evaluation about whether the program is needed or useful, but it still gets executed on a regular basis.

For example, when you wake up and reach for your phone as your first move in the morning, or when you make coffee.

You don’t think about these things before you do them.

Autopilot is actually a helpful feature of the brain. It frees up mental energy for other things, and you don’t need to think about what you should do next because the brain simply runs the familiar program again and again.

It helps to avoid decision fatigue and also helps us become better at things we’re learning.

The Problem: When Autopilot Controls Your Life

The problem is that this state of mind reduces our awareness.

If we’re not aware of our actions, we don’t question them either.

We simply do them.

For example, if you’ve been driving the same route to a destination for a long time, you’ll probably never ask whether there’s a better way to get there.

Or even why you’re driving there at all.

That’s the most interesting part of autopilot mode.

Not the feature itself, but what program has been put into it and by whom.

Some of these programs are installed slowly by our environment.

Parents, teachers, friends, partners, or social media.

Habits we picked up from other people, or routines we never consciously questioned, can quietly turn into default behavior. Over time they become so familiar that we execute them without noticing.

This can turn into a problem because we’re running habits on autopilot that might work against our goals, happiness, physical and mental health.

For example, when you’re a smoker just because your parents were smokers too.

Or you picked up the social drinking habit after work, but you don’t even know why you’re drinking and suffer from the consequences.

Other programs, however, can be installed intentionally.

Someone might decide to read every morning, go for a short walk after work, or spend a few minutes reflecting at the end of the day.

At first these actions require effort, but after a while they become automatic as well.

In both cases, the same mechanism is at work. The brain simply runs the program it has learned.

The difference is not autopilot itself.

The difference is who wrote the program.

And that raises an important question:

If autopilot quietly runs so much of our daily life, how can we tell when it’s taking over in a way that no longer serves us?

There are several small signals that suggest someone might be living mostly on unconscious autopilot.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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10 Signs You're Living on Autopilot

1. Every Day Feels Exactly the Same

If you look back at the last week and can’t remember anything specific that stood out, life may be running on autopilot.

This happens because routines repeat without reflection. The brain simply executes the same schedule every day without questioning it.

The problem is that when days blend together, time starts to feel like it’s passing very quickly.

Example: You wake up, go to work, come home, watch something, sleep, and repeat the same pattern every day. Months later you feel like the year disappeared but nothing happened.

2. Reaching for the Phone Without Thinking

One of the most common modern autopilot habits is grabbing the phone immediately after waking up or whenever there’s a moment of boredom.

This is autopilot because the action happens before any conscious thought. The habit is triggered automatically without looking for anything specific.

The problem is that it allows external input to control the start of the day.

Example: Someone is waiting in line at a store or sitting on the train for a few minutes. Instead of simply observing their surroundings or letting their mind rest, their hand immediately reaches for the phone. They unlock it, open social media, and start scrolling without even thinking about why they picked it up in the first place.

3. Saying Yes to Things Automatically

People on autopilot often accept invitations, responsibilities, or requests without asking themselves if they actually want them.

The response becomes a default reaction.

The danger is that life slowly fills with obligations that were never consciously chosen.

Example: I was one of those people who always said yes to everyone. Party? Yes. Poker? Yes. Day-drinking? Yes. Then I ended up with exhaustion and shaking hands because I didn’t choose how to spend my time - other people chose for me.

4. Complaining About the Same Problems for Years

When you keep repeating the same complaints but never take action, it often means you’re stuck in an autopilot pattern.

Your mind keeps replaying the same story instead of looking for change.

Example: A person complains about their job every week but never explores other options or develops new skills.

5. Living According to Other People’s Expectations

Autopilot can also come from social pressure.

Instead of asking what they truly want, someone simply follows the path that seems expected by family, culture, or society.

Example: Choosing a career, lifestyle, or goals mainly because it’s considered the “normal” path. The problem is that years later the person may realize they built a life that doesn’t actually feel like their own.

6. Avoiding Quiet Moments

People who live on autopilot often keep themselves constantly distracted.

Silence creates space for reflection, and reflection can challenge existing routines.

Example: Whenever there’s a free moment, someone immediately opens social media, plays a video, or fills the silence with noise. Without quiet moments, it becomes difficult to notice whether life is moving in the right direction.

7. Acting from Habits Instead of Values

Autopilot behavior usually comes from habits that were formed long ago.

The person may no longer ask whether those habits still match their current values.

Example: Someone continues spending evenings the same way they did ten years ago, even though their goals and priorities have changed.

8. Never Trying Anything New

Autopilot keeps people inside familiar routines.

Trying new experiences requires awareness and a conscious decision.

Example: Going to the same places, eating the same food, watching the same types of content, and never experimenting with something different. Over time this can lead to a feeling of stagnation.

9. Feeling Busy but Not Progressing

Many people on autopilot are actually very busy.

However, their actions aren’t connected to a clear direction.

Example: A person spends the entire day responding to emails, notifications, and small tasks but never works on things that truly move their life forward. The activity feels productive but doesn’t create meaningful progress.

10. Never Asking the Bigger Questions

The clearest sign of autopilot is when someone rarely stops to ask fundamental questions about their life.

Questions like:

Why am I doing this?

Is this the direction I want?

What would I change if I started again?

Example: Someone keeps following the same path for years simply because they started it earlier. Without reflection, autopilot can keep a person moving in a direction they never consciously chose.

How to Take Control of Your Autopilot

Once you decide to review your life and the habits that are running on autopilot, you have already taken the first step in the right direction.

It means you are aware of the existence of this feature. And believe me, many people spend their whole lives without even noticing that their entire life runs on autopilot with the wrong software.

But now you can go further than that and start designing your own life the way you want from scratch by following a few basic steps.

Daily Self-Checks: The 5-Minute Habit That Changed My Life

This very simple, almost laughable daily habit changed my life.

And I’m not exaggerating.

I usually start my day with a coffee (which I drink intentionally), and then before I do anything else, I sit down awkwardly at the kitchen table and ask myself loudly:

What’s the plan for today?

It takes only a few minutes to think through and adjust if necessary.

The goal is that everything I do, I do with intention.

I work because I need money to pay the rent, to invest, and to build my side projects.

I exercise because I pay attention to my health.

I read every day, at least one page of my book, because reading is important to me.

I also doomscroll, but with intention. I know that it helps me distance myself from work, so I don’t remove it completely from my life, but I do it with intention within a time frame (20 minutes).

I stretch in the evening because I want to stay flexible, it helps prevent injuries, and I sleep better.

Everything on the list is chosen by me. All the activities support at least one of the most important areas in my life that I want to pay the most attention to.

At the end of the day, I do the same review but in a more reflective way.

I ask myself loudly, usually at the kitchen table again:

How was my day?

I go through, one by one, all the things I’ve accomplished or spent my time with and think about whether I could do something differently the next day.

For example, when I realize that I was emotionally involved at work too much and that made me feel annoyed or angry, then I think about the strategy for how to approach the next day if it happens again.

When I feel too exhausted after my training, then I ask myself if I should do a bit less the next day so I can avoid being too tired again.

Think about this like a conversation with your best friend. In this case, you’re both, and the friend has the intention to support you as well as possible. It might feel weird at the beginning and it requires a bit more effort, but after a while this habit will end up in your autopilot mode, and that’s exactly what you want.

The Habit Audit: Aligning Your Actions with Your Goals

The daily checking is great to review your days and bring more awareness into them, but you can go one step further by auditing your habits.

This exercise requires more time and thinking because you not only need to review your habits but also your goals. The habits carry you toward your goals if you put the right habits into autopilot mode.

Ask yourself: What do you want to achieve? What are your goals?

Write them down and write your daily habits next to them without judging them.

This makes mismatches and contradictions visible.

For example, if you say that you want to have a six-pack but you start the day with a Frappuccino and a doughnut, then it won’t work out easily.

Or maybe you want to have a wonderful romantic relationship, but you’re chasing one-night stands every weekend in cheap clubs, you’re broke, and you can’t even say what you’re interested in except partying. (And yes, that is also a habit even if it doesn’t look like it.)

Ask yourself loudly:

Why are you doing these habits?

What purpose do they serve?

If your answer is “I don’t know,” then it can be a sign of an installed program by somebody else.

Once you’ve figured out what you want, then you can think about the habits that bring you toward your goals and put them into your autopilot program.

These changes will make you really content with your own life because you'll know what and why things are happening and who's in charge of those habits: YOU.

Track Your Energy: Finding the Habits That Drain You

If you always feel tired, then there’s probably a reason for that. Many people have poor sleep habits and they truly believe that sleeping 6 hours and drinking 10 coffees in the office just to survive the day is normal.

It’s not normal.

Normal is that you wake up in the morning well-rested and ready for the day.

Tracking your energy level is a great indicator to find blind spots regarding your habits in autopilot mode.

You can ask yourself the following questions while sitting down and being completely honest with yourself:

In the morning: How do I feel? How much energy do I have? Do I need the coffee because otherwise I would fall asleep, or do I just like how it tastes?

After work: How do I feel? Did the day drain my energy, or do I feel alright? Did I have fun, or did I just do the regular chore I hate?

After social events: How do I feel? Do I need a weekend alone after I spent an evening out, or do I feel energized by that?

Every single answer will help you understand your life better and identify if there’s something in your autopilot mode that shouldn’t be there because it doesn’t serve you but drains you.

Do Hard Things: Building Awareness Through Discomfort

This is something you read everywhere nowadays, especially where people talk about self-help a lot. Michael Easter wrote a book called The Comfort Crisis. Andrew Huberman talks on his podcast Huberman Lab about how doing hard things regularly grows the part of your brain called the anterior mid-cingulate cortex, and it helps you deal with future challenges more easily.

There are plenty of arguments for doing hard things regularly, and there’s another one that’s relevant if you want to adjust your autopilot.

Doing hard things increases awareness drastically. When I run my interval sprints, I’m so deeply present in the moment that I exclude everything else from my consciousness.

These difficult tasks remind you that you can influence your life through effort. When you push through a hard workout, learn a difficult skill, or finish challenging work, you experience direct proof that your actions matter.

This shifts the mindset from passive to active.

Easy routines fade into the background of memory.

Hard experiences stand out.

The hard trainings, the marathon, the article I wrote, the yoga session that really challenged me are the things I won’t forget easily.

Your Life, Your Programs

Living on autopilot isn’t inherently bad. The brain uses it to save energy and make life easier.

But when autopilot runs programs you never chose, or programs that no longer serve you, it becomes a problem.

You’ll be frustrated and unsatisfied with your own life without knowing the reason for that.

The difference between sleepwalking through life and living deliberately is awareness.

Awareness that you’re on autopilot.

Awareness of who installed the programs.

Awareness of whether those programs still work for you.

Once you have that awareness, you can make a choice.

You can keep the helpful programs and delete the harmful ones. You can install new programs that carry you toward your actual goals.

You can take control.

The exercises in this article - daily self-checks, habit audits, energy tracking, doing hard things - are tools to build that awareness.

They won’t work overnight. I’ve been practicing them for three years, and I still catch myself slipping back into autopilot sometimes.

But the difference is, now I notice. And when I notice, I can choose.

That’s freedom.

Not living perfectly. Not never making mistakes. But having the awareness to see what’s happening and the power to change it.

So start small. Pick one exercise. Try it for a week.

Ask yourself the questions. Notice the patterns. See what’s running in the background.

Then decide: Is this the program I want?

If the answer is yes, keep it.

If the answer is no, rewrite it.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I’ve never experienced a blackout before, but when I stood at the airport in Auckland, New Zealand after flying more than 24 hours, I simply forgot the PIN code of my debit card.

After entering the four-digit number wrong twice, I had one more try before my card would be automatically locked.

I took a short walk, hoping movement would bring more blood to my brain so I could remember the code I used almost every day at the supermarket.

It didn’t help.

My bank locked my card. They didn’t give me any support via phone because I didn’t know my identification code either. The customer support told me there was no way to unlock my debit card.

I stood there, 18,000 km away from home, alone, with limited cash in my pocket and no return flight ticket.

You can imagine that on that day, I learned a lot. I was naive and unprepared.

And this is just one weird moment from the last 15 years of traveling the world, mostly alone.

I made many mistakes along the way. I lost money, lost personal belongings, stepped on a sea urchin on the first day of a vacation in Tanzania.

But I never questioned whether I should book the next flight to a place I’d never been before.

In my childhood, when my father wasn’t drunk, he liked to show me places in the atlas. We looked at the Himalayas, the Mariana Trench, Antarctica, Siberia. We played a quiz where he asked me the capitals of countries.

I grew up with an explorer mindset without seeing anything of the world because my family never went on vacation. Ever.

When I finally got my life together, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

My girlfriend at the time didn’t share the same interest, but I convinced her to do some traveling together. A week in Côte d’Azur in France. Another week in Amsterdam with another couple.

It was great, but I wanted more.

Once I ended that relationship and moved to another country, there was nothing standing between me and the world.

I was so motivated to catch up on everything I’d missed that in 2017, I traveled to 16 countries in one year.

I’d planned for 44. That’s how naive I was.

But that naivety made it possible to see more than most people I know and become the man I am today.

The naivety developed into careful planning.

The hesitant traveler became confident.

In this article, I want to share what solo travel taught me about confidence, self-reliance, and becoming comfortable anywhere in the world.

You’re Forced to Make Decisions

Most people traveling together look at each other and ask, “What do you want to do? Where should we eat?”

When you’re traveling alone, you can’t turn to anyone. You have to decide on your own.

For most people, it’s difficult as hell because they don’t know what they want.

It’s something you learn with time, but only if you’re in a situation where you’re forced to think about it, to make wrong decisions so next time you’ll know better.

I remember when I first flew to Lisbon, Portugal. I sat in my Airbnb with no idea what I wanted to do for the next five days in that city.

It was difficult, and I almost spent my first day only in this tiny room I rented. I thought everyone else in that situation would think it’d be nice to discuss this with someone and decide together.

But I didn’t want to be dependent on others, so I forced myself to do something. The easiest way to create a plan is to look for the highlights of the place, even if it sounds way too tourisistic. The top 10 must-haves are always available on the internet, which can give you structure.

I started organizing day trips in Lisbon. I reserved a table at a restaurant only for myself and booked a ticket for the aquarium because I love watching animals and underwater life. I sat on the main square and watched people. I tried some local food and specialties, and after four days, I’d experienced quite a lot on my own.

It felt great because in the end, I’d made a lot of decisions for myself. I didn’t decide perfectly, but at least I made up my mind and went out. At that time, this was a huge success for me.

Today, I know much more about what I love, and it makes it easy to spend my time wherever I am in the world. Making decisions feels more intuitive and less forced by the urge to do something at all.

This is something you can learn too. But only by doing it scared. Only by sitting alone in that Airbnb, forcing yourself to choose.

The confidence doesn’t come from knowing what to do. It comes from deciding anyway.

You’re Forced to Solve Problems Alone

As you read in the introduction, when you’re traveling alone, you face problems you need to solve alone.

Even after I forgot my PIN code completely, I spent three weeks in New Zealand. But I got ripped off many times in other countries. I lost personal belongings, missed flights and trains, lost an expensive train ticket in Japan (the nice Japanese people gave it back), had food poisoning in Sri Lanka, stepped on a sea urchin in Africa.

In those moments, yes, I was very annoyed. But these problems also taught me that I’m capable of surviving alone and can solve more problems than I thought.

The best way of learning is always when you don’t have a plan B. You can’t call mom and dad to help you out. You can’t turn to a girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, husband, or friends to ask what to do now. You’re locked in a room with the problem like being with a grizzly bear in a honeymoon suite, and there’s no way out.

Your brain starts working differently. It goes from a problem-oriented mindset where you might lose yourself in some kind of victim mode to a solution-oriented Indiana Jones mindset.

And believe it or not, 99% of the time, there is a solution, and you will find it.

With time, you become more relaxed. You plan better, which reduces the probability of problems because you know what to pay attention to.

And this is not only something you can profit from during your trips, but this is a skill, the problem-solving skill, you can apply in your everyday life as well.

That problem at work that seemed impossible? You’ve already navigated a foreign city with food poisoning and no working phone. You can handle a difficult client.

That conflict with a friend? You’ve already negotiated with a taxi driver who didn’t speak your language and was trying to overcharge you. You can have an honest conversation.

Solo travel doesn’t just teach you to solve travel problems.

It teaches you that you can solve problems.

You Learn What You Actually Like

When you’re with others, you compromise. You go to restaurants you don’t care about. You visit museums you’re not interested in. You say yes to things because someone else wants to do them.

When you’re alone, there’s no one to compromise with.

You discover what you actually enjoy. Not what you think you should enjoy. Not what impresses others. What genuinely interests you.

I learned I love silence. I learned I prefer hiking to nightlife. I learned I’d rather sit in a quiet café for two hours than rush through ten tourist attractions.

These weren’t things I knew before. I thought I knew myself, but I was performing a version of myself I thought others expected.

Traveling alone stripped that away.

Now, in everyday life, I know what I want. I don’t say yes to social events I don’t want to attend. I don’t pretend to enjoy things I don’t. I don’t shape my life around other people’s expectations.

That confidence to know yourself and live accordingly? That’s what solo travel gives you.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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Your Worldview Changes Completely

I know many people who are afraid of traveling. They project everything they see in the news or on social media onto the whole world. They can’t differentiate people from their political leaders and believe the world is a very bad place. There are bad places for sure, but you shouldn’t judge nations based on the news on television.

Earlier in my life, I was one of these judgmental people.

My parents’ worldview was very limited and extremely negative. They judged all of humanity based on what they saw in the news or heard on the radio. They told me which countries were very bad and where I should never travel to.

The best thing was to simply stay at home so you could be safe. They did that their entire lives.

I couldn’t accept that. The courage to go to places grew in me, so I went to find out using my own two eyes whether a place was bad or not at all.

I can tell you that in 99% of cases, I was surprised in a positive way.

People I met during my travels were welcoming, nice, and friendly. I rarely experienced rude or offensive behavior. And even when I did, I didn’t project it onto the whole population of the country.

When I traveled to China, people told me I was making a mistake. “They will put you in jail,” they told me.

When I was in China, I felt amazing. Elderly people did tai chi in front of my hotel in the morning. The people at reception stood up every time I arrived. They were nice, friendly, and supportive.

I never felt in danger or experienced any sketchy situations.

Since I’ve been traveling alone, my view of the world has changed a lot. I know that horrible things happen everywhere, but the black-and-white view turned into a more optimistic, less judgmental view. Most people on earth simply want to have a good life, laugh, and experience great moments, just as I do.

We’re not that different as we might think.

This changed how I live at home too. I’m less critical and fearful but more open and trusting.

You Learn Things You Never Planned to Learn

I know what to do when a snake bites me. I know what wild animals you can see in Albania in the mountains when you’re hiking and what to do when a bear stands before you. I learned about the boiling frog analogy in Seattle from a family I lived with for two weeks. I know that if you step on a sea urchin, you can use papaya leaves to heal it.

These aren’t essential things people usually learn, but this is also something I love about traveling.

You become a person with unexpected knowledge. Random skills. Stories no one else has.

And this makes you confident in a different way. You realize you can learn anything. Adapt to anything. Figure anything out.

These skills don’t disappear when you land back home. They become part of how you approach everything.

You Realize How Little You Actually Need

I think this is something most travelers learn with time.

Back when I flew to Mexico, I had huge baggage with me plus my backpack, just to hang a bunch of clothes in the closet in the hotel room and bring them back home without even wearing them once.

Today, I travel with a backpack or a small trolley bag. And still, every time I think I could have carried less stuff.

I got familiar with washing clothes abroad, checking out laundry services or booking Airbnbs with washing machines. I stopped carrying a lot of gear because I don’t really take a lot of photos, and definitely not professional ones.

When I traveled to Iceland with a good friend, I remember having a small bag with my Canon camera, GoPro Hero, selfie stick, various adapters and cables. Then I had clothes for almost a year and half my bathroom.

Over the years, I understood that I don’t need a lot. Most of my needs fit in a backpack, and if I need any services, I go out and find a solution wherever I am.

This realization also led to my current minimalistic lifestyle. I don’t buy stuff anymore, only if I really need something. I focus on quality instead of quantity, and I ask myself 1,000 times before I order something whether I really need it or not.

It’s good for my bank account, and it’s easier to move as well.

The Moments You’ll Never Forget

When I arrived in Tromsø, Norway, it was late, around 11pm. People waited in lines for cabs, but there weren’t many. I did the same, stayed patient.

After half an hour, it was my turn. I jumped in the cab and showed the driver where my Airbnb was. He drove me to that street and stopped somewhere in the middle.

I didn’t know where my apartment was, but I paid and got out of the car. The cab disappeared in the darkness, and I stood there in the middle of the street. It was snowing, but with really huge snowflakes.

There was no soul around, only those dark houses on both sides of the street. I stayed for a while because I rarely experienced such incredible silence. I heard the snow falling. Everyone was sleeping in those houses, and they didn’t know that this weirdo was standing in the middle of the street and listening. It was spectacular.

That moment is one of the many great experiences I will never forget.

I was alone. I didn’t share it with anybody. But I also believe it wouldn’t have been so powerful if I wasn’t alone in that moment.

Here’s another one: When I was in Osaka, Japan, I spent a day exploring the city. Late afternoon, I went back to my hostel, which had an outdoor terrace. Back then, I smoked, and I bought a few beers so I could sit outside after the day.

The receptionist came out, a French girl who also smoked a cigarette. We didn’t talk, but after a few minutes, she said to me: “You look so happy.”

I was surprised and didn’t understand why she thought that because I looked terrible in my opinion. I wore a t-shirt with toothpaste spots on it. My hair looked like a bird’s nest. I was smoking and drinking beer from a can like a homeless guy.

Still, she said I looked really happy in that moment. When she went back inside, I needed to think about what she just said.

Until that moment, I didn’t realize that I was actually happy. That was a time between changing jobs, having enough money in my pocket, free for a couple of months, and traveling in Asia.

I was living my dream and hadn’t taken the time to realize it.

Thanks to her, from that moment I started to appreciate my life even more.

These moments might seem irrelevant to you, not a big deal. But for me, these moments were and stayed very important until today.

I learned about myself that I love enjoying silence, wherever I am, and that traveling the world is something that truly makes me happy. Even other people can notice that.

I could write more about these moments, but I wanted to highlight two of my favorites to demonstrate the power of traveling alone.

Once you start exploring the world on your own, you will also have your own stories that don’t mean anything to others but mean the world to you.

The Confidence That Follows You Home

Here’s what people don’t tell you about solo travel: the confidence doesn’t stay at the airport.

It follows you home:

• When you have navigated a foreign city without speaking the language, office politics seem far less intimidating.

• When you have solved problems alone in countries where you know no one, asking for help at home becomes much easier.

• When you have walked into restaurants alone on the other side of the world, sitting by yourself at home no longer feels uncomfortable.

• When you have started conversations with strangers while traveling, meeting new people in everyday life feels natural.

• When you have made decisions on your own again and again, you begin to trust your judgment more.

• When you have gotten lost in unfamiliar places and still found your way back, small problems in daily life feel manageable.

• When you have carried everything you need in one backpack, you realize how little you actually need to live well.

• When you have experienced beautiful moments alone, you stop believing that happiness always depends on other people.

• When you have adapted to different cultures and situations, change in your normal life feels less threatening.

• When you have discovered that you can handle the unknown, many everyday fears lose their power.

The man I am today was built in those moments. Not in one big transformation, but in a thousand small decisions made alone.

Each moment taught me: I can handle this. I can handle myself. I don’t need anyone to validate my choices or hold my hand through life.

That’s the real gift of solo travel. Not the stamps in your passport. Not the photos. Not the stories you tell at parties.

You learn to enjoy your own company. To make decisions without external validation. To solve problems without asking for permission.

That’s why I still travel alone. Not because I can’t find people to go with. Because the person I become when I’m alone is the person I want to be all the time.

Confident. Self-reliant. Comfortable anywhere.

If you lack confidence, don’t wait to feel ready. Book the ticket. Go alone. The confidence comes from doing it scared, not before.

I’ll see you out there.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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People who are into self-improvement have probably read the story of the Mexican fisherman, but if you haven’t, here it is:

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “only a little while.” The American then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.”

“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”

“Millions. Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Author Unknown

This story tells an unteachable lesson about life that the fisherman already knew but the businessman needed to learn his own way. Sometimes what we’re seeking is something we already possess, but we have to learn how to see it while taking our own, sometimes difficult journey.

I collected 15 other unteachable lessons about life that I wanted to share. You can reflect on them and embrace them earlier in your own life.

1. Money Does Not Create Happiness

People without money believe it will fix everything. People who make a lot of money realize it only removes some problems and creates new ones.

This is common wisdom. Everyone knows it. Still, most people seek money even when they already have enough, hoping that more money in the bank will make them happier.

But the truth is, if you’re not happy with less money, you won’t be happier with a lot of money either.

It’s important to note that money can solve problems, and those problems can make you unhappy. That’s true. But buying cars, designer clothes, or eating in the most expensive restaurants won’t increase your happiness baseline ever.

2. No One Is Coming to Save You

Another common wisdom from the self-help world. What does this say? Advice helps, support helps, but responsibility is yours. This usually hits after waiting too long for change.

I fell into this trap too many times.

I hoped that a relationship would help me deal with my own demons.

I hoped that somebody would call me and give me the job I really wanted.

I hoped that somebody would solve my problems.

The truth is, if I don’t get up and do something about these things, nothing will happen.

It can be really hard, especially when you hit rock bottom, to stand up again. But if you don’t do it, you can’t expect improvement either.

Taking responsibility is one of the most important characteristics of being a mature adult. Start today with it. Try not to learn it the way I learned it.

3. Trying Harder Is Not Always the Answer

Sometimes the problem is not effort but direction. You learn this after burning out.

If you become the unstoppable force and push against the unmovable object, at some point you’ll give up and you’ll have wasted all your valuable energy on the wrong thing.

I tried too hard to convince women to love me. I tried too hard to get a raise while working more and more. Then I didn’t understand why the other guy got the promotion even though he worked less but smarter.

It’s always important to question the direction and intensity of your effort. Sometimes you just need to pivot a little bit or even do less to get the same or better results.

Don’t try too hard.

4. Being Liked Is Expensive

People pleasing costs energy, authenticity, and self-respect. Most people learn this only after exhaustion.

This unteachable lesson describes my 20s completely. I wanted to fit into the community around me so badly that I said yes to everyone. I helped people move. I said yes to every drink. I played the clown so they’d like me a bit more.

These behaviors ended up in shaking hands, panic attacks, and the realization that people didn’t like me at all but my performances and service.

Not a great way to learn this. Fortunately, today I don’t want to be liked anymore. And funnily, more people like me now than when I tried so badly.

5. Comfort Slowly Kills Ambition

Nothing dramatic happens. You just wake up years later wondering where your drive went.

I know a lot of people who started to settle around 40. They don’t exercise anymore and are never cold. The fridge is always full, and cuddling on the couch became the symbol of well-being.

On the other hand, they complain. No energy. Back pain. Fear of change. Belly fat. Bad sleep. Feeling sluggish all the time.

They think it’s aging, but it’s lifestyle.

Comfort doesn’t only kill your ambition. It kills you literally, way earlier than you want.

Having goals, being active, doing hard stuff regularly are key elements of a longer life while feeling alive.

6. You Cannot Change People

You can explain, help, and push, but people only change when they want to.

This is learned through frustration.

And how frustrated I was when I wanted my girlfriends to be different human beings than what they were.

I forced people to do things

I wanted them to do.

To behave differently.

Be more like me.

It never worked.

People got frustrated because I pushed, and I got frustrated because it didn’t work.

A lose-lose situation that led to bad endings of relationships.

The same applied to my parents. I spent years trying to fix them. Sending them articles about alcoholism. Offering to pay for therapy. Explaining how their behavior affected me.

Nothing changed. Not because they didn’t understand.

Because they didn’t want to change.

7. Time Is More Valuable Than Money

You only understand this when time starts to feel limited.

The realization comes at the same time as the problem with too much comfort.

The perception of time changes drastically around 40.

In our 20s, we feel like we have all the time in the world, and we waste it recklessly while dreaming about a lot of money.

Then we age, and the view of our life gets different.

Around 40, we realize we’ve passed halftime.

Free weekends or free days become more valuable. Money is still nice, but I wouldn’t exchange two weeks of vacation for a Gucci sweater.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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8. Freedom Matters More Than Status

Titles, recognition, and admiration feel good briefly. Freedom feels good every day.

At work, sometimes I check my boss’s calendar. He has around 20 minutes of “free” time besides his lunch break, and he works on weekends as well.

He has a great salary, but honestly, I wouldn’t do his job for a second.

Knowing every day that I can close my laptop and go to the gym is extremely valuable to me. Being able to work from anywhere, not being disturbed on my vacation, are much more important than any level of status.

9. Avoiding Pain Creates More Pain

Distraction works short term. Long term, everything comes back stronger.

I spent years avoiding my childhood pain. I drank. I smoked. I worked constantly. I dated four times a week.

But the pain didn’t disappear. It accumulated. It grew.

When I finally stopped running and faced it in therapy, it was much harder than if I’d dealt with it earlier. The years of avoidance just made the reckoning more brutal.

The thing you’re avoiding today will still be there tomorrow. Except tomorrow it will be bigger, and you’ll be more tired.

10. Consistency Beats Intensity

Most people learn this after failing with motivation-based bursts of effort.

I used to go hard at the gym for three weeks, then quit for six months. I’d write five articles in a week, then nothing for two months. I’d save aggressively for a month, then spend it all.

Nothing stuck. Nothing grew.

Now I run five times a week. Not because I’m motivated. Because it’s Tuesday, and I run on Tuesdays. I write every week. Not when inspiration strikes. Every week.

The intensity of a single session doesn’t matter. The boring repetition over years creates everything.

11. Loneliness and Being Alone Are Not the Same

You can feel lonely in a relationship and peaceful alone. This usually comes after heartbreak.

I felt lonelier in some of my relationships than I ever felt living alone.

Sitting next to someone who doesn’t understand you is worse than sitting alone understanding yourself.

Being alone is a state.

Loneliness is a feeling.

You can be alone without being lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel completely isolated.

I’m alone most of the time now. I’m rarely lonely.

12. Your Body Keeps the Score

You can ignore sleep, stress, and health for years. Eventually, the bill arrives.

I ignored everything in my 20s. Two cans of energy drinks for breakfast. Four cigarettes. Pizza for lunch. Alcohol every night. No exercise. No sleep.

I thought I was invincible.

At 35, the bill arrived. Panic attacks. Hair loss. Dry skin. Constant fatigue. My body had been keeping score the whole time, and I hadn’t been paying attention.

Now I sleep 8 hours. I exercise. I don’t drink. I eat well. Not because I’m disciplined. Because I learned what happens when you don’t.

Your body will forgive you for a while. Then it stops forgiving.

13. Most Fears Never Happen

But the fear still steals years of life before you realize that.

I was terrified of going no contact with my parents. I thought I’d regret it. I thought I’d feel guilty forever. I thought something terrible would happen.

None of it happened. I felt relief. I felt free. Nothing terrible occurred.

I wasted years afraid of a consequence that never came.

Most of what you’re afraid of is fiction. But the time you spend afraid is real.

14. Not Choosing Is Also a Choice

Staying stuck feels safe until you realize time moved on without you.

I stayed in wrong relationships because I was afraid to choose to leave. I stayed in wrong jobs because I was afraid to choose to quit. I stayed in wrong cities because I was afraid to choose to move.

I thought not choosing was neutral. It’s not. Not choosing is choosing the default. And the default is usually whatever you already have.

Time doesn’t wait for you to feel ready.

It moves.

And if you don’t choose, life chooses for you.

15. Self-Respect Is Built, Not Given

No amount of validation replaces living in alignment with yourself.

I chased validation for years. From women. From employers. From friends. From my parents.

It never worked. Even when I got it, it didn’t fill anything.

Self-respect only came when I started living according to my own values, not other people’s expectations. When I quit drinking even though my friends thought I was boring. When I went no contact even though society said I owed my parents. When I chose my life over approval.

You can’t earn self-respect through other people’s opinions.

You build it through your own actions.

The Thing About Unteachable Lessons

I wish I’d believed these things when people first told me.

I would have saved years.

But that’s not how it works.

Some lessons require living.

The pain teaches what words cannot.

The time wasted teaches what urgency cannot.

The mistakes teach what advice cannot.

You’re probably reading this and nodding at some, skeptical of others.

That’s normal.

I did the same thing at 25.

The ones you resist the most are usually the ones you need to learn.

I can’t teach you these. But maybe I can save you a few years of finding out.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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A recruiter contacted me last week about a role at a tech startup. I opened the email, scanned the first paragraph, and saw two words: “fast-paced environment.”

I deleted it immediately.

At 25, I would have responded within an hour, excited about the opportunity.

At 38, I knew within 30 seconds it wasn’t for me. Wrong culture. Wrong pace. Wrong life.

I know exactly what I want now.

And that’s becoming a problem.

Open to Everything, Wanted Nothing

In my 20s, I didn’t know what I wanted.

At that age, that’s usually normal.

There were only a few people around who knew what they wanted at that young age. They studied medicine or architecture to follow their parents, or they always dreamed about a specific professional path like saving the world as a scientist. They had strong opinions about life, politics, and social problems.

But the majority of people were more like me. I had no clue what I wanted. Not only professionally but in general in my life. I didn’t have my own opinions. I ordered the same drinks and food that other people ordered and just followed the crowd.

Most of the time, I sat at the table with others and listened without forming my own opinion.

I nodded frequently. When people asked me, I agreed with someone at the table because that was an easy way out.

I wasn’t selective at all and said yes to almost everything because I didn’t have any preferences. House party, rave party, day drinking, road trip, vodka, whiskey, soda, steak, burger, sushi.

Yes, yes, and yes.

I was open to everything. But I wanted nothing specific.

That openness felt like freedom, but it was actually confusion.

I wasted time on things that didn’t matter because I couldn’t tell what mattered. Time wasn’t as precious a resource as it is in adult life, so wasted time on poor choices didn’t seem like a huge problem.

But then, after graduating and starting adult life, the pressure and expectations started to grow.

Learning to Order Like James Bond

I heard from many people that I should figure out what I want. I got older, and in online dating apps, I saw that women put into their descriptions: “Only men who know what they want.”

Not just women.

Family, friends, and the whole society gave me this feeling that I had to figure out what I wanted. I read a lot of dating advice for men where people said that women expect me to decide. If they ask whether we sit outside the restaurant or inside, I have to have an answer even if it doesn’t matter to me at all.

I started learning how to order a drink properly like James Bond did. When the waiter asked me which vodka I wanted in my cocktail, I had an immediate answer. People nodded approvingly around me, and I felt great. I pretended to be the guy who knows what he wants, even if I didn’t care about the sort of vodka in my drink.

But knowing what I want wasn’t just something I learned to pretend.

It’s part of maturing. An inevitable process of pattern recognition we acquire based on positive and negative experiences.

Something bad happens, so we decide differently next time. The number of options decreases, and we collect a bunch of emotional associations in the back of our minds.

We get choosier and decide faster.

At a certain age, we’re able to answer more confidently about what we like and want.

We start saying no more often.

We stop considering the unknown as an option because we don’t feel we need it anymore.

Life becomes safer. Novelty turns into predictability and stability.

We order the same food in the restaurant. We drink the same cocktail. We travel to the same place every single year.

Everything that doesn’t fit into the things we know we want gets filtered out automatically.

I get a job opportunity via email and delete it immediately when I spot one keyword that implies something I know I don’t want.

This is efficiency. This is clarity. This is knowing what I want.

But what if this knowing (or believing to know) what I want keeps me stuck?

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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When Knowing What You Want Becomes a Prison

I believe that knowing what we want can expire without us noticing it.

We change during our life, and something we thought we wanted can become something different today. But if we don’t give ourselves the chance to try, we’ll never figure it out.

At some point, knowing what we want turns into rigidity and fear.

We start saying no automatically to new and unknown opportunities while claiming we know what we want and this isn’t part of it.

For example, if somebody asks me if I want to try acro yoga, I say no automatically.

That’s not what I like. Without knowing exactly how it feels to actually do that kind of yoga practice.

I’ve had the situation so many times where I had the choice to watch a movie and I chose one I’d already watched 100 times over a new movie I’d never seen before. Just for safety reasons. The movie I’ve watched so many times, I know I’ll like it again. But the new movie can be bad, and then I’d waste my Sunday evening watching something I don’t enjoy.

I also like to book single rooms for myself in hostels or surf camps. I don’t sleep in a room with other people anymore. Not even giving it a chance.

So while living with the belief that I’ve figured out what I want, I’ve also started making my life smaller and smaller. I only repeat the well-known things I truly like and try to exclude novelty at all costs because it can be risky.

And there’s a self-strengthening process that makes it even worse.

We’ve all had that situation when somebody convinced us to do something we didn’t want to, because we already knew it wasn’t what we liked. And it turned out we were right. The experience was bad, and we say: “Never again. I knew it would be bad.” These moments lead us deeper into a less flexible and more rigid life.

And there are hidden costs to that rigidity:

What if the job I deleted had a culture I’d actually love, just described badly in the email?

What if the person who doesn’t fit my “type” could become someone important in my life?

What if the movie I skip becomes my new favorite film?

What if the shared room leads to a friendship that changes my perspective?

I’ve become so good at knowing what I want that I’ve stopped discovering what I might want.

The Narrowing: Age 20 vs. Age 38

Here’s what happens with age and clarity:

At 20:

• Open to everything

• No preferences

• Said yes constantly

• Tried everything

• Confused, but flexible

At 38:

• Clear about what I want

• Strong preferences

• Say no constantly

• Try only familiar things

• Decisive, but rigid

Neither is better. Both have costs.

At 20, I wasted time on things that didn’t fit me because I couldn’t tell what fit.

At 38, I miss opportunities that could fit me because I’ve decided in advance they don’t.

The filter that protects my time also blocks my growth.

The Grumpy Old Man Problem

If I don’t pay attention to these behaviors, I’ll end up as a grumpy old man who complains about everything that’s different from what I want and what I’ve gotten used to along the way.

This is obviously something I don’t want.

So I started including new experiences into my life, going against what my mind says in autopilot mode.

I went on a date with someone who didn’t fit the picture of what I want. The date was better than I thought. We didn’t date again, but we had a great time talking about life and sharing experiences about our dating lives.

When I went to a surf camp, I booked a shared room with one other person. It turned out great. There was a guy from the UK. We talked about movies and life, and it was fun.

In restaurants, I try to order something I’ve never tried before. Otherwise, I’d always eat the same thing and never expand my experiences.

I also say yes to social invitations I’d normally decline. I travel to places that don’t fit my “type” or try hobbies that seem unappealing at first.

Not because I’m confused about what I want.

But because rigidity masquerading as clarity is just fear.

Finding the Balance

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not something I push all the time.

It’s about balance.

I keep the clarity:

• I know my core non-negotiables

• I protect my boundaries

• I stay decisive on obvious mismatches

• I don’t waste time on things I know won’t work

But I rebuild flexibility:

• When I realize I haven’t tried anything different in a couple of months, I do it consciously

• I tell myself: this weekend is about trying something new

• Then next time, I can stay in my comfort zone

• But maybe my comfort zone changed or expanded from that last new experience

The goal isn’t to go back to my confused 20-year-old self who said yes to everything.

The goal is to hold both: knowing what I want while staying open to what I don’t yet know I need.

Why?

Because life is beautiful.

Experiences are the things we’ll never forget. They shape us and make our time here richer. Believing that we know what we want is not the same as truly knowing what we want. That’s why it might be worth challenging that belief from time to time.

The Paradox Remains

At 20, I was open but lost.

At 40, I’ll be clear but rigid.

The work isn’t choosing between them. It’s managing the tension.

Knowing what you want is power. But knowing what you want and refusing everything else is prison.

The real maturity isn’t just knowing what you want. It’s knowing what you want while remaining flexible about how it might show up.

Maybe the person who doesn’t fit your type teaches you something your type never could.

Maybe the experience outside your comfort zone expands what comfortable means.

Maybe the opportunity you delete contains exactly what you’re looking for, just packaged differently.

I still know what I want. But I’m learning to question my automatic nos.

Because clarity without curiosity is just another way to stay stuck.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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You’ve had a long, exhausting day. You feel tired, so you go to bed. Then your eyes pop wide open.

No sleep. Just millions of thoughts about tomorrow, today, work, family. Your brain replays an awkward moment from a meeting three weeks ago. Why did you say that? But wait, you should be sleeping. You roll back and forth, searching for the right position. It feels like suffering for hours.

Eventually, you fall asleep. Then you wake up at 3am. Then 4am. You need to pee. Now you’re stressed because you have to get up early and you know you’ll be tired. The stress makes it harder to fall back asleep.

You finally drift off. Five minutes later (or so it feels), your alarm wakes you. You know immediately that today will be hard.

This was my life for years.

Until a few years ago, I didn’t pay attention to my sleep quality. But once I started, I realized I’d probably slept poorly my entire adult life. Mostly because of alcohol, bad diet, smoking, and stress.

After I cut those out, I still had difficulties calming my mind and falling asleep. That’s when my sleep exploration journey started.

In the last three years, I’ve tested countless options. Many helped. Some didn’t.

I’m going to show you both sides because the following results are based exclusively on my experience. Even if something didn’t help me, it might help you. Give it a chance if you struggle with sleep.

One more important thing: I’m hypervigilant from growing up in a stressful environment. My nervous system stays on high alert, which makes deep sleep difficult. I also experience insomnia and sleep paralysis occasionally.

If you have similar issues, these solutions come from someone who genuinely struggles, not someone with occasional trouble falling asleep.

What Worked

Consistent Sleep Schedule

10pm became my religion. I wake up between 7 and 7:30 every day without an alarm. If I don’t go to bed at 10pm, I start feeling extremely sleepy because my body wants to follow this routine. Consistency matters more than I ever thought.

Dark, Cold, Silent Bedroom

I used to heat my bedroom and sleep with the window open. Traffic noise woke me at 5am. Birds even earlier. Light infiltrated from the kitchen.

Now: I close the bedroom door during the day, don’t heat the room at all, and unplug every small light-emitting device in my apartment, including the water boiler and microwave. Those tiny lights are visible from my bed, and they disrupt sleep.

The room stays dark, cold (around 16-18°C), and silent.

No Caffeine After 12pm

I used to drink coffee at 5 or 6pm. Sometimes my hands shook from too much coffee and not enough water.

Then I learned: six hours after your last coffee, half the caffeine is still in your body. Coffee at 3pm means caffeine circulating at 9pm, making it harder to fall asleep.

After implementing the 12pm cutoff, I started feeling pleasurable tiredness in the evenings.

Eating and Drinking Smart

Alcohol: Cutting alcohol had a huge impact. Even one beer disrupted my sleep quality measurably.

Liquids: I try not to drink too much after 6pm. Otherwise, I wake up to pee.

Food: I stopped eating huge meals late in the evening: pizza, steaks (I cut meat completely anyway), cakes, tiramisu. I try to finish my last meal around 6pm so my body isn’t digesting while I’m trying to sleep.

Light meals like lentils with vegetables result in better sleep than heavy, spicy, carb-heavy meals. I can’t always stick to the 6pm rule, but on most days I manage it, and the results show at night.

Exercise in the Morning

Exercise is great. Outdoor exercise is better. Morning exercise is best.

I learned this the hard way. I love running in the park after work at sunset, but running stresses my body significantly. It takes 4-6 hours to calm down after a run. Running at 5pm means I still have physiological stress at midnight.

Now I run during my lunch break. My body has time to calm down before bed.

Gym sessions cause less stress but can still hinder sleep if I go too hard. I aim to finish by 4-5pm.

Important: exercise has a huge positive impact on my overall stress levels. When I didn’t exercise for two weeks, my work stress increased dramatically, which negatively impacted my sleep.

Summary: Exercise is very good, but prioritize morning workouts.

Less Screen Time

I work from home, staring at screens all day. I watch movies on the big screen, play with my phone more than I should. It has a negative impact on my sleep.

Not just the blue light. The apps like Bumble and LinkedIn increase my stress. I tested this multiple times: when I didn’t use my phone all afternoon or all day, I not only felt more relaxed but also fell asleep easier and didn’t wake up multiple times.

I recently started using red light mode in the evening, but I don’t have measurable evidence it helps. It’s not just about the light. It’s the content I consume on screens.

Not Over-Scheduling Days

Perfectionists and productivity people like me want to get a lot done. Slow weekends are for the weak, I used to think.

But over-scheduling generates stress. Even when I know I can handle all the tasks, the lack of time and the packed calendar make my days stressful.

What I underestimated: the time needed to calm down after stress. I thought a few minutes of breathing would help, but it’s not true. Sometimes it takes hours for my nervous system to calm completely.

On over-scheduled days, I end up in bed with all the day’s tasks running through my mind, making sleep impossible.

On days when I have time to read, to be bored, I sleep easily with much better quality.

Warm Bath (Not Sauna at Night)

A warm bath helps me fall asleep, but only if it’s not too hot and I don’t spend more than 30 minutes in it. After the bath, I don’t do anything stressful except slow yin yoga or reading.

I take a warm bath 3 times a week, and it helps me sleep better.

Sauna is different. Evening sauna stresses my body much more due to high temperature. My body needs more time to calm down. Morning sauna works better but is harder to test regularly.

Lots of Outdoor Time

Spending time outdoors, especially in the morning, helps me sleep better. On days with lots of sunlight, less screen time, and more steps (mostly during vacations), I always felt nicely tired, and sleeping wasn’t a problem.

Getting morning sunlight supports my circadian rhythm. I want to test this more consistently after reading Why We Sleep.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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Stretching

This is my secret weapon.

20 to 60 minutes of yin yoga or full-body stretching decreases my stress and helps me wind down. While stretching, I focus only on my body and breathing.

After stretching, I usually fall asleep faster, and my sleep quality is higher.

Important: it’s not intense yoga or Pilates. It’s slow stretching where you hold poses for 2-4 minutes. If I do this after a warm bath, a good night’s sleep is almost guaranteed.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

What Didn’t Work

Various Teas

Chamomile, lavender, lemon balm, and many others. I never felt any positive effects, but I had to pee during the night. Give it a try. It might work for you.

Various Supplements

Magnesium, L-Theanine, Melatonin, CBD, Valerian Root, and many others I found on the internet. None helped. There’s no guarantee supplements will help you sleep better. They didn’t help me, so I stopped buying them.

Mouth and Nose Plasters

I thought maybe I had sleep apnea or snored. I ordered mouth plasters and nose strips to open nasal passages. No problem sleeping with plasters on my face, but the effect was insignificant. My sleep quality was as bad as before.

Listening to Boring Content on Spotify

A friend listens to boring stories when he goes to bed and falls asleep immediately. It sounded promising, so I tried easy stories, white noise, and other boring channels.

My thoughts are simply stronger. After a while, I didn’t hear anything from the noise. My own thoughts took over again and again.

Walking Before Sleep

I expected the same impact as stretching and yoga, but walking outside for 30 minutes before bed didn’t help. I thought walking would release stress and help me calm down, but I felt more awake after, especially when the weather was cold.

Meditation

The biggest disappointment.

I still practice meditation today, but not for sleep benefits. I can meditate for 60 minutes without problem, and my watch shows I’m in deep relaxation. But once I get into bed, sleep doesn’t come. It feels like my mind wants to catch up on the thinking I skipped during meditation.

Meditation definitely has benefits, but for me, it doesn’t help with sleeping, even body scan versions

Final Thoughts

I’m still not a perfect sleeper. I probably never will be. But I sleep better now than I have in years. Not because of supplements or hacks, but because of consistent habits: same schedule, dark room, morning exercise, less caffeine, less stress.

I sleep 8 hours almost every day. The quality varies, but it’s more positive than negative. And having a good night’s sleep impacts every other area of my life. I look better. My eyes are more awake. My skin is better. I have more energy. When I get enough REM sleep, I’m very creative and simply think faster.

Sleep is not negotiable for me anymore because it increased the quality of my life.

If you struggle with sleep, start paying attention.

The body knows what it needs. You just have to give it the conditions to actually rest.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. David

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It’s morning, and after waking up, I head into the kitchen. The morning sun shines through the window and turns the kitchen into a warm, yellow-colored space. I make coffee and look out at my backyard. The grass is vivid green, and my sheep have already come out of the stable. I’m smiling, thinking about the day ahead of me.

No meetings. No computer. No cell phone or any kind of annoying nonsense work.

Just me and my farm.

I often have this fantasy.

Funnily enough, I’ve heard this from many people who work in similar roles. Office workers who get up in the morning and work 9 to 5.

They start their day with some kind of stand-up or Monday morning meeting.

They have titles like business intelligence manager, chief of staff, or growth marketing manager. Meetings after meetings.

The output is usually some kind of slides nobody will look at.

They create documentation nobody will read. They spend most of their time in meetings with others who do similar things with similar meaningless outputs.

One day after another.

These people, including me, often reach the moment where they think:

“I would love to work on my own farm.”

“I would like to work in a zoo with animals.”

“I would love to have a vineyard and produce delicious wine.”

“Something physical with my name on it. Something I can look at, give to other people so they can enjoy it.”

The absurdity of this fantasy is that none of these people have ever worked on a farm or done physical labor at all. They don’t know what it takes to run a farm or work in a zoo.

Still, the idea of a slow, non-digital life with visible output makes the fantasy extremely compelling.

This is a recurring fantasy. Usually after another meeting with managers where we define some kind of technical roadmap, create tickets for the backlog while knowing that all the ideas and plans will be obsolete tomorrow.

It feels meaningless.

It’s Rarely About the Farm

As you probably suspect, it’s not about farming.

It’s not a life vision people are heading toward with a well-thought-through strategy. It’s more like a signal that something is missing, something most humans want to feel in their life: meaning, being useful, producing something that stays and matters.

In those office jobs, people rarely have visible results.

Most of the work is abstract.

Sitting in meetings and talking through the same problem again and again.

Sending emails or setting up automations.

My days often end with the feeling of missing accomplishment, even if I feel mentally exhausted. When I ask myself what the outcome of today’s work was, I can barely define it.

Besides the lack of meaning, physical movement is also missing. I have back pain after sitting eight hours at my desk. My eyes are dry, but my body is completely unused. The accumulated stress works through my entire body. I always think I would implode if I didn’t do sports regularly.

The responsibility feels ridiculous. We talk about key performance indicators and objectives and key results (office workers know what that is).

But what are we really responsible for?

Numbers on a dashboard?

A project timeline?

Meanwhile, the farm fantasy offers responsibility for actual living beings.

Animals that need you. Plants that depend on you. Real consequences, not just missed deadlines.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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What’s Really Behind the Desire

When I dig deeper into this fantasy, it’s not actually about sheep or vegetables.

It’s about what those things represent.

Visible results instead of abstract work.

You plant a seed, and you see it grow.

You feed an animal, and it’s healthy.

You build a fence, and it stands there.

Compare that to: you attend a meeting, send an email, update a document, and nothing tangible exists. Your effort disappears into systems you can’t see or touch.

Physical movement instead of constant sitting.

Your body gets tired from actual work, not just from stress.

You use your muscles.

You move.

You sweat.

At the end of the day, your body is exhausted in a satisfying way, not just your brain.

Natural rhythms instead of calendar pressure.

The farm runs on seasons, weather, daylight.

Not on quarterly targets, sprint cycles, or arbitrary deadlines someone invented in a conference room.

Simplicity and repetition instead of complexity.

The same tasks, done well, every day.

No pivots.

No sudden strategy changes.

No reorgs.

Just: animals need feeding, plants need watering, fences need maintaining.

Quiet instead of constant stimulation.

No Slack notifications.

No email pinging.

No back-to-back Zoom calls.

Just wind, birds, the sound of your own breathing.

For me, it shows up as: I want to see something grow that I planted. I want my body to be tired, not just my brain. I want to finish a day and know it’s actually finished.

Why Office Work Triggers This Fantasy

This isn’t office-bashing. It’s observation.

High abstraction: You solve problems you can’t see. Results disappear into systems. Your effort becomes invisible. You never touch what you make. I create data models and dashboards. Where do they go? Into servers somewhere. Who uses them? I often don’t know. What impact do they have? Impossible to measure. It’s ghosts working on ghosts.

Permanent availability: Work never truly ends. Email at 9pm. Thinking about work on weekends. Messages during vacation. No clear boundary between work and life. The expectation that you’re always reachable creates a constant low-level anxiety.

No real completion: Projects morph into new projects. Goals shift constantly. Nothing is ever done. The work regenerates overnight. You finish one roadmap, and immediately someone asks for the next one. There’s no moment of “we did it” before moving to the next thing.

Identity tied to performance: You are your output. Your worth equals your productivity. Being, not doing, feels impossible. When someone asks what you do, you say your job title. Not who you are. What you produce. And if you stop producing? Who are you then?

Here’s the deeper issue: Your nervous system wasn’t designed for permanent abstraction.

It expects physical threats you can see and respond to, problems with clear solutions, effort that produces visible results, and natural light cycles and movement.

Office work reverses all of this. The threats are invisible (deadlines, performance reviews). The problems are abstract (alignment, strategy). The effort disappears into screens. The light is artificial. The movement is minimal.

Your body experiences this as constant low-level danger with no release.

The farm fantasy is your nervous system screaming for regulation.

The Farm Dream as Escape Fantasy

Let me be honest here.

Farms are hard physical work. Low margins. Responsibility seven days a week. Financially unstable. No vacation. No sick days. Weather-dependent chaos. Animals die. Crops fail. Equipment breaks.

I know this. Everyone who has this fantasy probably knows this on some level.

But that’s not the point.

The fantasy isn’t realistic planning.

It’s a counterweight to your current reality.

Your mind is creating the exact opposite of what you have because what you have feels unsustainable.

The farm represents regulation.

Tangibility.

Rhythm.

Purpose.

Even if the reality would be just as hard, in a different way.

The Real Question to Ask

The question isn’t: “Should I quit everything and buy a farm?”

The question is: “What am I missing so deeply that my mind escapes to animals and soil?”

This is where the real work begins.

Because once you understand what the fantasy is actually asking for, you can give yourself pieces of it without burning your life down.

Integration Instead of Escape

I didn’t quit my job to work on a farm. But I changed how I work and live.

More physicality: I run 5 times a week. Not gentle jogging. Hard running. Interval training that makes my lungs burn. Physical exhaustion my office job never provides. My body gets tired the way bodies are supposed to get tired.

More nature: I spend time outside every day. Even if it’s just 20 minutes walking. Natural light on my skin. Weather. Wind. Rain. Not just temperature-controlled office air.

Clear endings to the day: I have hard stops. 6pm, I’m done. Laptop closed. No email after hours. I protect my evenings the way I would protect sleep. Because rest is just as real as work.

Work with tangible outcomes: I write. I create articles people can read. I run marathons I can finish. I track things I can measure and complete, not just endless process work. My newsletter has my name on it. It exists. People read it. That’s tangible.

Fewer artificial stimuli: I deleted Instagram. I reduced screen time. I sit in silence sometimes. I let myself be bored. Boredom is regulation. The constant stimulation was making me sick.

These aren’t farm work. But they’re what the farm fantasy was actually asking for.

Visible results. Physical tiredness. Natural rhythms. Quiet. Completion.

I gave my nervous system what it was screaming for, just in a different form.

The Body Knows

The farm fantasy doesn’t go away completely. It still appears, usually after a particularly abstract week. After three days of back-to-back meetings where nothing was decided. After creating another presentation that will be ignored.

But now I understand what it’s asking for. And I give myself pieces of it.

Maybe it’s not about where we work. Maybe it’s about how far we’ve drifted from what keeps us regulated.

The body knows what it needs. The daydream is just trying to tell you.

Listen to it. Not by quitting your job and buying sheep. But by understanding what the sheep represent.

Then give yourself that, in whatever form makes sense for your actual life.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment.

I read every one. — David

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A Note Before You Read

This article is not an attack on parents. It’s about bringing visibility to patterns that create difficulties in our adult lives and relationships.

Throughout this article, I’ll use examples from my own childhood. These aren’t shared for sympathy, but to help you recognize similar patterns. What felt normal to me for decades turned out to be deeply damaging.

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, know that recognition is not weakness. It’s the beginning of understanding.

“You were such a disappointment when you were born. I always wanted a daughter. Look at the pink blanket I bought back then because I was sure you would be a girl.”

My mother told me this with a smile when I was around six years old. Not just once. I heard it many times throughout my childhood.

Today, I’m almost 40 years old, and those sentences are still in my mind. Instead of fading, they grew into an underlying feeling of being wrong and unwelcome, regardless of whether I’m at work, in a relationship, or with friends.

When I confronted my mother in my 30s, she said she never said that. She told me I made it up and asked why I was so ungrateful anyway.

The Problem With Criticizing Parents

Parents wear a shield that society gives them. They are often idealized, and questioning them means questioning everything you believed about your childhood.

“They just did their best,” they told me.

“Don’t blame your parents for your problems!”

“Take responsibility, David!”

That protection creates a problem. The pain builds inside you, waiting for release. The anger, disappointment, loneliness, destroyed self-worth.

And when it finally comes out, you usually aim at the wrong people. Unconsciously.

You scream at your wife. Your kid. Your coworkers. You don’t realize that this anger arises because your manipulative mother always criticized you or because your drunk father terrorized your family for years.

What Are Toxic Parents?

Toxic parents are parents whose repeated behaviors harm a child’s emotional, psychological, or relational development. This harm is often unintentional and can coexist with love and good intentions. That’s exactly why it’s so hard to recognize.

Toxic parenting is not about occasional mistakes. It’s about consistent patterns that undermine a child’s sense of safety, self-worth, or autonomy.

The problem: Everything we learn at home becomes universal truth. Children always believe that when something happens in the family, it’s their fault.

The symptoms: Damaged self-esteem, suppressed anger, constant guilt, feeling worthless, unlovable, inadequate.

Important to mention: The cause of these behaviors is usually dissatisfaction with their own lives. They have unsolved problems, and the children become victims of how they deal with those problems.

Why You Can’t See It

You often don’t recognize the problem because either your parents or you live in denial.

They just did their best, right? How could they be the cause of your problems?

Most people start looking for solutions elsewhere: drinking, drugs, excessive behaviors. They believe something is wrong with them, which I did for a long time.

Children always blame themselves. They internalize the dysfunction as proof that they’re wrong, not that the situation is wrong.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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The Patterns

There were many recurring patterns in my childhood, but I’ll focus on the three most damaging: control, manipulation, and an alcoholic parent.

The Controller

My mother tried to control everything. She read my teenage love letters behind my back. She knew who I partied with and investigated my brother’s girlfriends, criticizing his relationships until they broke up.

When my brother started working, she took all his money, saying she’d save it for him. When he bought new clothes instead, she withdrew love as punishment.

I learned that I always have to pay the price for anything. Asking for help? That’s a problem. Gaining control? I pay with guilt and frustration. Having my own opinion means losing love, so it’s better to nod at anything.

Lasting damages:

• Overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Your emotions become unimportant

• Difficulty making decisions

• Constant guilt

• Choosing controlling partners later

The Manipulator/Martyr

I remember my mother screaming that she would go to the basement to hang herself. I tried to stop her while crying.

When I moved to Hamburg and told my parents I felt great and happy, they called me. My mother wore a big scarf, coughing, and said, “Good for you. I’ll die at work here.” She always wanted to take my joy away.

When I asked for money to go out with friends, I had to listen for an hour about how she’d die at work, how miserable her life was. Then she’d throw her purse on the table and say I could take what I wanted because she might not be living tomorrow anyway.

This was a usual start to going out with friends.

I felt tremendous guilt my entire life until I turned 32 or 33. I was the emotional caretaker of my mother throughout childhood. I felt responsible for her well-being so she didn’t take her life.

I learned that experiencing joy upset her, and I didn’t want to hurt her.

In all my romantic relationships, I put myself aside. All my emotions, wishes, and needs became secondary. I also became the victim because that was the instrument I learned from my mother.

Lasting damages:

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions

• Difficulty saying no

• Constant guilt for living your own life

• Putting others’ needs first always

• Choosing needy partners

The Alcoholic Parent

I never had a birthday party because it was never possible to bring friends home. My father could come home anytime, and I had to be prepared. He was jealous, loud, physical. He burned my mother’s clothes, destroyed plates, and attacked her verbally and physically.

That’s why I don’t celebrate my birthday as an adult. I have no idea how to. Not celebrating is normal for me.

From age five to fifteen, I lived in a terror house, standing on the frontline trying to protect my mother.

I had to develop the skill of pretending. I lied at school that I had a good life at home, that my father didn’t drink, that we did vacations every year. Everything was a lie.

Once I climbed a tree in our garden and told my parents I wouldn’t come down until they got divorced. I was seven.

I learned early that alcohol is an accepted way to numb feelings, and it was part of my life until I turned 37.

Lasting damages:

• High tolerance for accepting bad things

• Choosing alcoholic or unstable partners (it’s familiar)

• Need to control everything

• Difficulty trusting people

• Terrified of closeness

• Developing insecurities from constant lying

The Symptoms You Carry

It took time, effort, and money to notice and work through the symptoms I carried.

What toxic parenting created in me and might have created in you:

• Damaged self-esteem

• Constant guilt

• Feeling worthless, unlovable, inadequate

• Anger transferred to others

• Overdeveloped responsibility for others, underdeveloped care for yourself

• Belief that your emotions don’t matter

• Codependency

• Becoming invisible

• Fear of not being needed

• Choosing partners who replicate the dysfunction

If you experience several of these, it might be worth taking a closer look, even if it’s painful.

What You Can Do Now

If you saw yourself in these patterns, you’re not broken. You were broken into by people who should have protected you.

You are not responsible for what was done to you. But you are responsible for taking steps to heal.

That might mean:

• Therapy to process what happened

• Setting boundaries

• Learning that your needs matter

• Unlearning the guilt

• Breaking the patterns before you pass them on

For me, it took 35 years to get rid of almost all the negative effects, but I’ll never be completely damage-free. There are things like hypervigilance I’ve learned to live with.

For now, know this: Seeing it clearly is the hardest part. And you just did that.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I’ve been planning to write this for a long time. About the wisdom I acquired on my bumpy road. Things I wish somebody had told me when I was young so I didn’t waste years learning them the hard way.

These might be obvious to you. Hopefully, you’re already well-equipped.

If not, the experiences I’ve had in 38 years might help you avoid the same mistakes.

Here are the 6 things I wish I knew when I was younger.

1. A Healthy Body Is the Highest Priority

I grew up in a family where smoking, drinking, and eating heavy, unhealthy food were normal. The reward for a work week was alcohol and chain smoking. I lived the same way in my 20s.

My regular breakfast was 2 cans of cheap energy drinks and 4 cigarettes. My lunch was the cheapest pizza delivered to my apartment. I put on weight, became unfit, and had panic attacks every day.

If somebody told me to pay attention to my health, I would have laughed. I thought I’d stay 20 years old forever.

Don’t make the same mistake.

There’s a line that says how you lived in your 20s shows itself in your 30s. I couldn’t agree more. I started getting gray hair and losing hair. My skin became dry. I looked old and burned out.

Fortunately, I realized it in time. I quit smoking. Stopped drinking. Started exercising regularly, running, stretching. And most importantly, sleeping well.

Since then, my hair loss slowed down. My skin cleared up. I have energy again.

If you’re healthy and fit, you can do anything in your life.

You can work more, travel more, be there for the people you love. Your body carries you every single day. Everything else is built on your health.

Treat your body as a temple.

2. Nobody Is Coming to Save You

I was the victim of my life. The victim of circumstances. Poor family. Schools where teachers didn’t like me. Employers that didn’t reward my value. Unfaithful women.

I had an answer for everything, but it was never about me. I blamed everyone.

I said loudly: “If life won’t get better, then I won’t do anything at all.”

Nobody cared about my whiny threat.

After years of victimhood, I had to face the conclusion nobody wants to hear:

Nobody cares about your problems.

People might listen, but then everyone returns to their own life. And you’ll still be on the couch, but nothing will happen. No miracle. No sudden improvement. The woman or man of your dreams won’t ring the bell. The employer won’t call with a great offer. Your muscles won’t grow. Your business won’t build itself.

If you don’t do something about your life, nothing will happen.

This applies to you too.

It’s hard to accept, but here’s the positive side:

If nobody is coming to help you, then you’re the only one who can do something about your life.

You don’t need to wait. You don’t need to blame anyone. You can start today and change your life.

Forget living on hope. Hope won’t help you. Action will.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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3. Get Help and Deal with Your Demons

In my parents’ generation, therapy meant you were crazy. Talking about emotions was weakness, so people swallowed it instead.

At age 24, I asked myself why I was such an asshole and treated people so badly.

I decided to go to therapy for the first time, and it was a game-changer.

That first therapist gave me the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I couldn’t put it down. It helped me understand the family dynamics and why I felt so much pain.

That led to other therapies where I discovered more beliefs and painful memories I’d been carrying.

After 10 years of working on myself, I put everything on the table. All my negative behaviors came to the surface, and I solved the underlying problems or gained control by being aware of them.

That work helped me become the happy person I am today.

I know young men and women who have deep-seated problems but won’t deal with them because it’s painful. I know because I cried for months. I numbed myself with alcohol, smoking, and food. I tried to escape by traveling and dating four times a week.

But these things won’t help. The only thing that helps is facing those demons.

The reward is huge. It’s a life of feeling reborn, free, and light every day, being able to build everything on a rock-solid foundation.

If you’re not well or think there’s something worth looking at with external help, don’t wait too long.

4. Everything Is Temporary (The Good and the Bad)

We hope for the end of difficult phases, but the good times also have an end date. That’s hard to accept, but it helps you appreciate things and not take them for granted.

I stepped into this trap many times, thinking something would last forever. Relationships, good financial phases, friendships, places, opportunities.

They all end eventually.

But the new phase after a good phase isn’t necessarily worse than the previous one.

When we accept the nature of phases, it helps us survive difficult times easier. I’ve had many of those, and every time the turning point came, I became happier than before.

If you’re in a bad place now, remember: that phase also has an expiry date.

5. Your Callings Aren’t What You Expect

Everyone talks about passion and calling. “Follow your passion. Find your purpose.”

Most people expect some enlightenment moment that says you should travel to Hollywood and become an actor or start a billion-dollar startup.

Unfortunately, callings have a much wider range than we think.

I figured out mine through self-discovery: biology, geography, movies, reading, writing. I love watching movies. Maybe I’ll shoot one someday. Looking at maps gives me the feeling of being an explorer. I read books every day and write on Substack.

These are my callings, and they make my life richer and happier. They’re not what people would expect, but they’re mine, and I feel aligned.

The most important thing is that these are my callings, not someone else’s.

If you experience joy while doing some activity, even if you don’t want to accept it, take a closer look. That might be your calling.

6. Hard Work Usually Pays Off

It doesn’t matter if it’s your job, fitness, or side project, hard work probably pays off.

I know many people who work hard and have results. When I was lazy and surrounded by people with a “don’t work too hard” mentality, we didn’t have any relevant results.

There’s a line that you shouldn’t half-ass anything in your life, and I believe it’s true. If you say you want to be jacked, you can’t stop reps when it hurts a bit. You can’t quit the job when the first challenge arises.

Hard work usually won’t go unnoticed. I started working hard in the last three years, and the results are coming.

Here’s one important thing I realized: I always believed I worked hard, but it wasn’t true. I started complaining way too early because that’s what I learned from my parents and friends who hated their jobs.

Then I realized when I focus more on the work and less on my whiny thoughts, I can deliver great results and work harder than I thought.

Just give it a try. Next time ask yourself: Do I really work hard?

Final Thought

If you only pick one lesson from this and implement it into your life, I’ve already achieved what I wanted.

One more request: If you have experiences that taught you wisdom, please share with me. I’m always looking for insights that can help us live better, healthier, and happier lives.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I’ve been a runner for the last three years. Training, stretching, planning, running shoes, and marathons became part of my life, and I love it.

It’s great to participate in events like big marathons around the world and meet like-minded people who enjoy this simple activity. I feel like I belong to the running community.

But running isn’t just a hobby I practice regularly. It’s also been a teacher. This sport taught me more about life than my own parents did. It gave me the mindset to master other areas of my life as well. It helped me understand what consistency and discipline really mean beyond frequently used buzzwords.

I want to share this wisdom with you, not just to motivate you to run (okay, maybe that too), but because these lessons helped me build the life and mindset I always lacked. They gave me unshakable inner strength, confidence, and loyalty to myself.

Here are the most important lessons that three years of running taught me.

Being Fit Changes Everything

People tend to overestimate their fitness level. I certainly did. Back when I was a smoker who drank alcohol regularly and went to the gym two or three times a week, I used to tell myself I was actually fit. I don’t know if it was a protective mechanism or if I just loved the sound of that sentence, but I was lying to myself.

When I had to take the stairs at the metro station, I’d be out of breath. When I helped friends move and carried a few boxes, I needed a break after each trip. And I was in my 20s. Looking back, it’s obvious I was in terrible shape.

After three years of running, I have a different understanding of what being fit means. I’m 38 years old and I feel great. I have energy every day and can take the stairs anytime without even switching from nasal breathing to mouth breathing. I always see young people taking the stairs next to me looking like they just finished a marathon. They’re breathing heavily, their faces distorted. I remember how that feels.

But being fit isn’t only about breathing easily. It’s about being able to participate in other activities like hiking or cycling without even thinking about whether you can do them. You know you can. You have more choices, which means you have a richer life. You can help other people better. You can play with your dogs and kids. You don’t have to be the blocker in family activities because you can’t keep up.

Being fit is amazing.

From my running experience, I’d say that if you can run 10 km (6.2 mi) without being completely exhausted, that’s a good sign. But you can choose your own activity to achieve the same level.

I Can Do Way More Than I Thought

Growing up with the mindset “I’m not good enough” was always a limitation. I always thought I was weak with poor genetics. When I first considered running a marathon, friends asked with surprise if I was even able to run a marathon at all. Obviously, those questions created more doubt.

But running is a great sport where you can control distance and speed on your own and adjust based on how you feel. So I started training anyway. I remember that at the beginning, running 10km (6.2mi) seemed unimaginable. Then when I ran 20km (12.4mi) for the first time, which isn’t even a half marathon, I celebrated it intensely. These milestones showed me that maybe there was more in me than I thought.

I continued with my training (it was literally bro training, nothing professional) and achieved 25km (15.5mi), then 30km (18.6mi), and one day I ran 35km (21.7mi) for the first time. On that day, I felt dizzy because I didn’t have a good hydration and nutrition strategy, but I did it. The last 5km (3.1mi) I ran circles around my apartment building because I was scared I’d drop unconscious or even die, and I wanted to be able to get home quickly.

After 35km (21.7mi), the last step was running the marathon. I did it. I was exhausted, but deep down I knew I’d held myself back because I didn’t want to risk not finishing. But on the last kilometer?

I literally sprinted.

From that moment when I finished my first marathon and proved to myself what I was capable of, I started asking: What else can I do that I thought I couldn’t? In which other areas of my life did I avoid things because I limited myself with the belief that I’m not good enough?

These questions changed my approach to work and dreams completely. Today, I don’t ask if I can do it. I ask how I could do it. That mindset shift eliminated self-doubt and boosted my confidence. I know that if I have a proper plan and work toward a goal regularly, I can achieve almost anything.

“7 Bad Days and 23 Good Days Is a Great Month”

Running helped me turn my black-and-white, often perfectionist thinking into a more nuanced mindset. Earlier in my life, if I had a bad day in a week, I’d say the whole week was bad. I let one bad day define everything. If I couldn’t deliver the same performance every day, I was sure I’d failed. I gave too much power to bad days while undervaluing good ones.

Either perfect today or nothing was my primary mindset. This led to giving up quickly when I didn’t get perfect output. If I lost 2 subscribers in a day or 20 followers on X, I’d think I’d absolutely failed and want to quit immediately.

Running changed this. A marathon training usually takes at least three months, and the only thing that matters is the result at the end. If I have a bad day on Monday and run slower than planned, or if I have to run a shorter distance because I don’t feel great or have an injury, that doesn’t mean I should quit immediately.

If I have 3 bad training sessions in two weeks, I’m still doing a great job.

The same applies to gym sessions, writing, reading, or anything that’s a long-term game. Before my first marathon, I skipped training, got sick, and couldn’t run because of work, but I still finished with enough energy to sprint the last kilometer.

I started applying this to other areas of my life.

Read only 2 pages of my book? Great.

Only wrote 300 words? Great.

Felt weak and just did some biceps curls in the gym? Awesome. I was there.

I stopped thinking about one day’s performance as defining my overall effort. That helped me establish better consistency and look at myself much more positively.

Today, if I have 7 bad days and 23 good days in a month, I consider it great and I’m confident the next month will be even better.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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Patience Is an Underrated Life Skill

Another weakness I had is not being patient enough. I always wanted quick results. That was part of my black-and-white mindset. If I could have it now, great. If not, I didn’t want it at all. I started many blogs and tried building social media presence, but when I didn’t get the results I wanted quickly, I simply quit.

Running taught me patience in a simple way. In endurance sports, you can achieve quick success at the beginning. You’ll be able to run 5 or 10km (3.1 - 6.2mi) in a short period. But then development slows down. Visible improvements get rare, and it feels like you’re only putting in work without achieving huge milestones.

But that’s not the truth.

Improvement is happening under the hood, in my body. My heart gets stronger.

My technique improves. My overall running dynamic gets better, but over a longer period. Until one day, I realize my heart rate is lower at the same speed. The higher pace feels more normal and I can hold it longer.

To achieve these moments, we need patience.

One week after another.

One month after another.

People say building endurance takes years, and they don’t lie. Applying this mindset to other areas of life can be very beneficial.

Thanks to this, I didn’t quit my job and got a promotion. Thanks to this, I didn’t jump into bad relationships. Because of this, I gave myself time to think about important decisions and didn’t act on impulses.

If somebody asks me for life-changing advice, patience is always in the top 3.

Doing Hard Things Regularly Is a Life Hack

I’ve heard about this a lot, but I only started feeling it when I switched from a hobby training plan to a more ambitious one.

Why?

Because my first training plan wasn’t hard enough.

I skipped training when it was raining. I went to the gym to run on a treadmill when it was cold, which is much easier than running outside. When I slept poorly, I skipped training. When it hurt, I slowed down or stopped. I couldn’t feel the positive effect of doing hard things because I didn’t do anything hard.

Then I set my first time goal for my next race, and everything changed. I watched videos about improving my running form. The experience after my first marathon, with the energy on the last kilometer, lit a fire in me. I wanted to become better.

After that moment, there were no more excuses. I understood that discipline makes the difference between the guy who runs a marathon in 4 hours and the one who runs it in 3 hours.

The rise of my ambition led to an unexpected benefit: the effect of doing hard things regularly. The first thing that comes to mind is that if I do a very hard interval training in the rain, on my way home I feel accomplished. I smile. I look at myself in the mirror next to my front door: completely exhausted, wet, and dirty. I feel like a gladiator in that moment.

After these trainings, my day only gets easier. It doesn’t matter what challenging task or meeting I have later because I know the hardest part is already behind me. It gives me confidence. I feel like Russell Crowe in Gladiator and I know nothing can defeat me.

Even if it sounds silly, it’s true. Doing hard things regularly increases my tolerance for pain and stressful situations.

The confidence from those hard things gives me the self-image of a man who doesn’t give up when situations get hard.

I can trust myself much more because I know I have the strength that carries me through difficult times.

Many of these elements develop simultaneously, and they brought my life to a level I couldn’t even imagine before.

The Finish Line Won’t Make Me Happy

We love to believe that achieving X will make us happy. I believed that too. But the harsh truth is that if we’re not happy along the way toward our goals, achieving those goals won’t make us happy either.

This was a big realization after I ran my first marathon in Vienna. I finished the race and didn’t feel any different than after a regular training. Don’t get me wrong, it was amazing to cross the finish line and I was happy about my result. But I didn’t feel happier than before.

I had this question unwillingly on my mind: Why did I run that marathon at all?

After a couple of days of reflection while having a running break so my body could recover, I started to miss my training. Being outside, learning about running technique, checking out new running shoes on the internet, the feeling of accomplishment, talking about running with other like-minded people, posting on Strava how the training went.

These feelings gave me the answer to why I ran that marathon.

Because I love the way to that event. The months of training, the good and hard times, and everything that comes with being an everyday athlete.

I understood that the race is just a tool to give me a path and direction, but it’s not the most important part. The most important is the journey.

That’s what makes me happy because I love running.

Since understanding this concept, I’ve started looking at my life and asking where else I could have an enjoyable journey. Obviously, my full-time job came to mind. The goal can be a promotion or a raise, but do I enjoy my daily job enough to go in those directions? When I have a girlfriend, do I enjoy everyday life with her or only the big moments?

These are very important questions to raise. I started to shift from focusing on the romantic image of the end of my life, where I saw myself in a house with a wife, dogs, and garden in a Hollywood kind of way. I know that what I’ll have at the end of my life doesn’t really matter.

What truly matters is if I enjoyed the way there.

The regular weekdays.

My small hobbies.

My job that I spend so much time with.

We’re all going to cross that finish line of our life, but that’s not what makes us happy.

The journey is what matters.

My Conclusion

Running taught me a lot about life, about my own body, and how I look into the future. But it doesn’t have to be running. I’m not here to promote this sport and convince you to buy nice running shoes. It’s not about that.

I simply wanted to highlight what the simplest hobby can teach us when we take it seriously. When we go beyond and walk the extra mile. I learned all these things when I started to handle running like something that matters. It went from a little hobby to an important part of my life.

I’m ready to sacrifice free time for it. I’m ready to spend money on it. I’m ready to get wet, dirty, injured, and completely exhausted for it.

And I can tell you, if you start treating something in your life like I treat running, that thing will teach you a lot about yourself and life in general.

So don’t half-ass it if you love it.

Give it your best and watch how your life changes.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I’m 38, single, and from my point of view, I have an amazing life.

My job gives me the opportunity to evolve and make the money I need. My side project provides creative fulfillment. I take care of my body, maintain a healthy diet, read every day, travel as much as possible, and work toward the goals I’ve defined for myself.

When people ask how I’m doing, the answer is simple: I’m doing great.

Happy people are usually boring, and others tend to comment that I always give the same answer. But it’s the truth.

This is also the first time in my life that I’m not desperately searching for a new relationship. Don’t get me wrong: I’m open to a healthy, loving relationship. But I’m not dating four times a week to fill the void of not being happy alone. That’s progress.

On the other hand, people and society try to convince me that something is wrong with me.

When they ask “Are you STILL single?” it sounds like I have a disease that needs curing.

“David, you’ll end up alone,” they warn.

“Who’s going to change your diaper if you don’t have kids?” they ask.

I’ve grown accustomed to these fear-filled opinions about being single at this age. But I have to be honest: not too long ago, these comments affected me deeply. I felt behind, as if my life wasn’t complete.

Many people feel this way. There’s a growing pressure to find somebody so they don’t have to hear these politely wrapped criticisms anymore. Society tells us that something must be wrong with us if we don’t have a partner.

When I was younger, my need to prove I was “good enough” to have an adult romantic relationship drove me into the most toxic ones. I never chose my girlfriends. I was chosen. I heard once that if you see a couple on the street, the woman has the best man she could find, and the man has the only woman he could find.

I refuse to believe that.

That’s why I stopped dating brainlessly. I want my next partner to be someone I genuinely like, not just someone who wants me while I’m grateful to have at least one woman say yes.

So I became more patient. The work I’ve done on myself over the last few years helped me feel happy alone and eliminated the neediness that once defined my approach to dating.

But let’s examine the reasons why people panic about being single later in life.

Why People Panic About Being Single

The Biological Clock

This is something I can’t argue with. The desire to have children through traditional biological means increases the pressure, and I understand this reason completely.

However, this pressure stems less from being single and more from the timeline for having children. I’m not going to focus on this aspect in this article.

The Questions and Judgment

Parents and friends who are already in relationships or married with kids all ask the same questions. “Have you found someone yet?”

The discussion always follows the same trajectory I mentioned above: something must be wrong with you. If there wasn’t, you’d already be in a relationship.

They never consider that maybe I simply haven’t found the right person yet. Or that I’m happy alone. Or that I have other priorities in my life that matter more than fulfilling other people’s expectations.

According to them, the problem can only be you.

Fear of Loneliness

Ending up alone represents another significant fear about being single. People envision themselves old, sitting alone in a silent room.

This is indeed a real risk that can happen to any of us, but not exclusively because we’re single. It happens to many people who have had or still have families.

Cultivating good relationships with people, maintaining friendships, having pets, and participating in communities can all help address loneliness. But making this problem completely dependent on a romantic partner creates enormous pressure on that person. A partner shouldn’t be the sole solution to loneliness.

Social Comparison

I often find myself at tables where everyone else is in a relationship, married, or even divorced but partnered again. A few years ago, I dreaded those evenings. I sometimes avoided them altogether once I knew I’d be the only single person there.

The reason was simple: I compared my life to their visible lives. I’d see them in that moment and think, Everyone here has a Hollywood-type relationship. I’d scroll through Instagram, seeing beautiful photos of couples posing on beaches or at events, and I wanted that desperately.

But I had no idea how they actually spent their time together. Whether they fought constantly or were genuinely happy. Whether infidelity was part of their story. I only saw the carefully curated snapshots, which left me feeling jealous and behind.

Being Wanted or Chosen

Most people carry their own definition of purpose and life fulfillment. For some, being wanted or chosen forms the core of that definition. Being single undermines their sense of purpose, leaving them feeling sad. They want to feel needed by someone, chosen by someone.

Fear of Time

Romantic relationships are often associated with youth. People worry that growing older diminishes their chances of finding the partner they’ve imagined.

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Why These Fears Are a Problem

People Abandon What They Want

Countless people in the world didn’t pursue what they wanted because they chose a relationship out of fear. These individuals typically wake up at 57 and panic, realizing what they sacrificed. Sometimes it’s too late.

Prioritizing your own desires is crucial to living a fulfilled life, rather than maintaining a relationship that merely saves you from being alone without actually making you happy.

Ending Up in a Bad Relationship

This is the classic pattern. Someone becomes single and two weeks later enters another relationship because they can’t tolerate being alone for even a few months.

Usually, these people don’t recognize the pattern. They use their relationships as emotional crutches to feel better about themselves. But these relationships inevitably end quickly because there’s no solid foundation to sustain them for years.

Fear Lowers Standards

Remember when I mentioned that men often end up with the only woman they could find? Women do this too. When fear and panic reach a certain threshold, people accept anyone who says yes.

That’s not a good deal.

I don’t believe these qualify as real relationships. They’re more accurately described as toxic codependencies where both people attempt to rescue each other from their fears.

Authenticity Disappears

When I desperately wanted to find a partner, I was willing to play whatever role they found attractive. This was my lifelong strategy until age 35.

I started wearing masks. I read books about becoming a “badass man” and pretended to be a macho type so women would think I was cool. I said things I didn’t believe, trying to project a “don’t give a shit” attitude because I thought women loved those guys.

Eventually, the relationship exhausted me with all the pretending. Those women realized I wasn’t who they thought I was. They felt disappointed. I felt hurt because they didn’t like the real me.

Everyone lost.

The Dependency

The partner transforms into a source of validation, stability, or identity. People stay together not because they love, respect, and admire each other, but because the relationship has become integral to their identity.

In these relationships, infidelity often occurs because people maintain two separate lives. One is the relationship they present to the world. The other is what they actually want. Surprisingly, some couples live their entire lives this way.

It sounds exhausting.

Conflict Becomes Harder

When a relationship exists primarily to avoid loneliness or judgment, there’s an overwhelming fear of disrupting the status quo. Problems remain unaddressed because the perceived cost of separation feels too high.

I know many couples trapped in this dynamic. Watching them suppress their opinions to maintain artificial harmony clearly isn’t healthy.

They smile at each other while claiming everything is fine, then lie awake at night because they’re suppressing emotions like anger or frustration. All of this happens because their fear of being single outweighs their need for honesty and authenticity.

The Reality of Being Single (Or What It Could Be)

I believe that once we remove fear from the equation, being single isn’t remotely negative.

In fact, it can be wonderful.

As a single person, you have an exceptional opportunity to truly know yourself without a partner’s influence.

Why does this matter?

When you know yourself well, you understand what makes you happy. And when you know what makes you happy, loneliness becomes rare because you fill your life with things you genuinely love.

But before everything else, you need to understand and accept this fundamental truth:

Being single is not permanent.

It’s not a failure requiring urgent correction.

It’s a phase where you can dedicate your time and energy to whatever you choose. You make all decisions for yourself. Your routines, goals, and values emerge from intention rather than negotiation.

Many people discover their authentic selves only when they stop adapting to someone else’s expectations.

Being single also demands emotional responsibility. There’s no partner to distract you from your inner world.

You must face boredom, loneliness, insecurity, and desire directly. That feels challenging, but it’s precisely where self-trust and resilience develop.

Being single creates space to raise your standards. When you’re content alone, you stop choosing partners out of fear. You become selective rather than desperate. Relationships transform into additions to your life rather than rescues from it.

The biggest misconception suggests that being single means something is missing.

In reality, it often means something valuable is being built.

People who learn to find peace on their own tend to create the healthiest relationships later because they choose from a place of wholeness rather than need.

And being single and happy doesn’t mean you no longer want a relationship or never feel alone.

I want a relationship.

I want a girlfriend who explores the world with me, someone I can share everything with. Someone who looks at me with love in her eyes while I return that same love.

These feelings are completely normal. Wanting a relationship and occasionally feeling alone are simply signals of desire, not warnings that should trigger panic.

How to Be Single Without Panic

Most people who panic about being single aren’t happy alone. This is a recurring theme in my articles because the ability to feel good in your own company represents the most crucial skill you can develop, one that benefits you throughout your entire life.

With that said, start with yourself.

If you feel uncomfortable alone, that’s a clear sign you shouldn’t be searching for a relationship because you’re operating from the wrong motivation. Instead, focus on working on yourself.

I know the “build the best version of yourself” advice sounds clichéd, but when done properly, it genuinely transforms your life.

Start with Your Body

Your body forms the foundation of everything else in your life. When you feel fit and healthy, your mind becomes brighter and calmer.

Get in shape by finding your own approach. You don’t need a gym membership. List ten activities that could increase your activity level: kayaking, yoga, Pilates, walking, running.

Fix your diet. When you stop eating garbage and pay attention to what you consume, the results feel miraculous. Diet actually matters more than exercise. Eating well improves how you feel, clears your skin, and enhances your sleep quality. Better sleep reduces junk food cravings and increases your likelihood of exercising.

Remove the Expectation

At the beginning of your journey toward being happily single, you might succumb to the expectation fallacy. You won’t master being happy alone in two weeks. I’m stating this directly: You won’t. It will require months, possibly more than a year.

But removing time-related expectations allows you to work on yourself without pressure.

Tell yourself: I’m single, and that’s absolutely fine. It’s not a failure requiring a solution. I’m focusing on myself, and this represents a new phase of my life.

Delayed gratification is real. Trust the process and keep working.

Develop the Self-Connection

This step forms the core of being happy alone. In one of my previous articles, I explained how to discover yourself and identify your true interests if you haven’t found them yet.

I figured this out by walking in the park alone, without music, for months. I started listening to myself. How do I feel? What would I love to do? I became honest with myself.

During this phase, I acknowledged out loud that I’m an introvert who doesn’t enjoy being around strangers or loud people. I love reading and writing. The fact that I’d started blogs and websites before might signal I should pursue that path. I love watching Marvel movies.

I adjusted my behavior based on these discoveries, which helped me live the life I genuinely want and enjoy. That became the doorstep to being happy alone.

Redefine Successful Life for YOU

The definition of success should come from you, not your friends, parents, or society at large.

For me, success means having a house in the mountains or near the ocean, surrounded by my dogs, having visited all the places I’ve dreamed of seeing, participating in challenges like marathons, reading extensively, writing well, maintaining strong friendships, staying healthy and fit, and if circumstances allow, sharing my life with a loving girlfriend.

It definitely doesn’t match society’s clichéd definition: high-status job, wife, kids, cars, and material possessions.

You should define success for yourself and pursue that vision instead of living under others’ expectations.

Reduce Comparison

Defining your own success becomes easier when you reduce or eliminate sources of comparison in your life, particularly social media.

Deleting Instagram helped me tremendously in finding my own path because I’d been subconsciously comparing my life to others, which made me feel miserable about my own ideas. Once I stopped watching other people’s lives, I could finally focus on my own.

When you don’t share every moment of your life, people can’t criticize it. That’s particularly important at the beginning when you’re taking tentative steps toward living your authentic life.

My Own Single Life

I want to share a brief note from my personal experience because I know many people struggle with being single and feel lonely.

Listen to me: I’m 38. I’m average-looking. I don’t have significant wealth. I’m not smarter than most people, and I grew up believing I wasn’t enough. I don’t have contact with my parents. I have only a few close friends. I spend Christmas alone. I travel alone. I go to movie theaters and concerts alone.

You might assume I live a sad existence, but the opposite is true.

On weekends, I laugh more than most people in relationships because I’ve found peace with myself and genuinely enjoy my own company. I spend Christmas alone without the holiday stress that burdens most people. I travel without compromises, relax in saunas after workouts, read books I love, watch movies I choose, and maintain endless plans for future years.

I’m happy. I’ve never experienced a more balanced life than I have today.

I wanted to share this to demonstrate that someone like me, with all these apparently negative circumstances, can live a wonderful life.

Being single can be extraordinary if you want it to be. You can start living the life you want by simply deciding to take those steps.

I wish you strength and love for your journey.

You’re going to be happy alone.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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Today I did an interval training session that nearly broke me.

The kind where your lungs burn, your legs scream, and every part of you wants to quit.

I’m 38 years old, and when I finished, I stood there gasping, sweat dripping, feeling more alive than I have all week.

This is what I want.

Not comfort. Not routine. Not settling into some middle-aged version of myself that shuffles through life waiting for retirement.

I want to feel this at 50. At 60. I’ll sprint until my body physically stops me.

But most people my age? They’re already preparing to slow down.

They think turning 40 means it’s time to settle. Get comfortable. Accept that the exciting part is over and now it’s just maintenance mode until you die. Stop taking risks. Stop challenging yourself. Just coast.

And then one night, around 47 or 53, they wake up with a crushing feeling in their chest: “Is this it? Is this all there is?”

I know that feeling. I had it at 35.

After another failed relationship, I looked at my life and saw the same patterns repeating endlessly. Same mistakes. Same emptiness. I wasn’t living.

I was going through motions, waiting for something to change while doing nothing to change it.

That panic could have been my end. The moment I accepted that this was just how life would be from now on.

Instead, it became my new beginning.

I didn’t settle. I refused to settle.

I quit drinking after 22 years. Started running seriously. Began writing. Stopped living for other people’s approval and started building a life I actually wanted to wake up in.

And you know what happened?

My last three years felt like ten. Not because time slowed down, but because I finally started paying attention. I remember the moments. The challenges. The small victories. The brutal tempo runs that make me feel alive.

I don’t panic anymore when I ask myself “Is this it?”

Because I know the answer: No. There’s more. Because I’m actively creating more.

Most people panic at 40 because they’ve already stopped living. They settled into comfort and routine, and now they’re watching their life disappear in a blur while asking why nothing good is happening anymore.

I’m 38. I’m not settling. I’m not slowing down. I’m not done.

And neither are you.

When You Decide You’re Too Old

About a year ago, I asked a friend if he wanted to play basketball. I’d gotten a nice ball from New York, it was summer, the weather was perfect.

He laughed at me. “David, I’m not 22 anymore. I’m married. I’m not going to play basketball on the street.”

He’s 42.

This is exactly how it starts.

People have a picture in their mind of what an adult life should look like. And apparently, playing basketball on the street isn’t in that picture after 40.

There are expectations. By 40, you should have the house, the car, the kids. You should have it figured out. And once you’ve checked those boxes, it’s time to slow down.

No more basketball. No more sprints. No learning new languages or picking up new hobbies. Playing piano? Too old for that.

In my gym, I know people who are 38, 39 years old. They tell me all the time: “David, 40 is coming and then everything goes down. You’ll be weak, sick, full of problems.”

It’s like there’s a psychological barrier in people’s minds. At 40, everything challenging, new, and exciting has to stop.

Stability over career risks. Stop dreaming big, be realistic. Accept your life as it is.

But here’s what I see: this isn’t about age. It’s about choice.

At my marathons, there are people over 70 running alongside me and runners half their age.

I truly admire them. They’re taking on a challenge that’s hard even for young people.

You don’t have to become comfortable just because you’re 40. You don’t have to stop just because everyone around you is stopping.

My friend could play basketball. His body works fine. He just decided he’s too old for it.

And that decision, not his age, is what kills him.

What Happens When You Stop

When you settle at 40 (or before, or later), four things happen.

And they all lead to that moment when you ask yourself: Is my life over? Is this it?

1. Time Disappears

Your weeks start blurring together. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, it’s all the same. You can’t remember what you did last month. The year flies by in what feels like a few weeks.

This isn’t just a feeling. Research shows that routine activities don’t form strong memories. When you do the same things every day, your brain stops encoding them as distinct experiences. It’s like in the movie Fight Club: everything becomes a copy of a copy of a copy.

Novel experiences, on the other hand, create vivid memories that make time feel longer.

Think about it: Why did a week of vacation feel longer than three months of work? Because vacation was new. Every day was different. Your brain was paying attention.

But when you settle? Same commute. Same desk. Same conversations. Same weekend routine. Your brain goes on autopilot. And when you look back, there’s nothing to remember. The time just, disappeared.

My friend who won’t play basketball? His weeks are identical. Work, home, TV, sleep, repeat. He’ll be 50 in eight years and won’t remember a single week from his 40s.

My last three years felt like ten because I broke the routine. New challenges. New races. New experiences. Every week had something distinct. Something my brain actually bothered to remember.

When you stop trying new things, time doesn’t just speed up. It vanishes.

2. Nothing Satisfies Anymore

Even when good things happen, a promotion, a vacation, a new purchase, they stop feeling special after a few days. You adapt. The excitement fades. You’re back to wanting more.

Psychologists call this hedonic adaptation. Your brain is wired to adjust to both good and bad circumstances. What once felt amazing becomes your new normal. And your new normal always feels, normal.

This is why people who settle are never satisfied. They got the house, the car, the job. But it all stopped feeling good. Now what? Just more of the same, forever?

When you combine routine with hedonic adaptation, you get a life where nothing excites you. Same weekends that used to be fun now feel boring. Same relationship that used to bring joy now feels like roommates. Same job that you once worked hard to get now feels like a prison.

The problem isn’t that your life is bad. It’s that nothing in it feels alive anymore.

My tempo training is a perfect example. It’s hard. But the satisfaction doesn’t fade. Because it’s not a one-time thing I’m adapting to, it’s an ongoing challenge that demands my full attention every time. When you build something, the satisfaction doesn’t fade either, because there’s an endless variety of challenges you need to overcome.

Doing hard things regularly sustains your satisfaction. Comfort, on the other hand, is more likely to kill it.

3. Regret Starts Building

Here’s what the research on regret reveals: when people look back on their lives, their biggest regrets aren’t about mistakes they made. They’re about things they didn’t do.

The risks they didn’t take. The dreams they didn’t pursue. The person they never became.

You can rationalize a mistake. “I tried, it didn’t work, I learned something.” But you can’t rationalize never trying. The “what might have been” haunts you forever.

There’s a reason people in Bhutan think about death three times daily and report higher happiness. Remembering our time is finite makes us stop postponing life. As Benjamin Franklin said: “Many young men die at age 25, but are not buried until they’re 75.”

When you settle at 40, you enter inaction mode. You stop taking risks. Stop trying new things. Stop pursuing anything that scares you. And every year you spend in that mode is another year you’ll regret.

Not because you did something wrong. Because you didn’t do anything at all.

The panic at 3am isn’t “I made too many mistakes.”

It’s “I didn’t LIVE. I just existed. And now years are gone.”

My friend who won’t play basketball? In ten years, he won’t regret playing and looking foolish. He’ll regret that he stopped playing. That he let fear and social expectations turn him into someone who doesn’t do anything fun anymore.

Inaction regret is the worst kind. Because you’ll never know what could have been.

4. You Lose Your Edge

There’s another cost to settling that’s less obvious but just as destructive.

Research on well-being shows two types of living: hedonic (pleasure-seeking, comfort, avoiding pain) and eudaimonic (growth, challenge, meaning). Both can bring happiness in the short term. But here’s the difference:

Hedonic living, constant comfort seeking, actually lowers your self-control over time. The more you avoid discomfort, the weaker you become. Mentally, emotionally, physically.

EEudaimonic living, pursuing growth and meaning even when it is hard, builds your self-control. Makes you stronger, more capable, more resilient.

When you settle at 40, you choose hedonic living. Comfort. Ease. Avoiding anything difficult. You’re not cold anymore. You’re not really hungry anymore. You don’t have to fight through difficult situations.

And you get weaker.

Not just your body (though that too). Your mind. Your willpower. Your capacity to handle hard things.

Then one day you wake up and realize: you can’t do hard things anymore. You’ve spent years avoiding discomfort, and now even small challenges feel impossible.

My lifestyle isn’t just about fitness. It’s about maintaining my capacity to suffer. To push through discomfort. To stay hard. I see the difference in my own capacity. Tasks that used to overwhelm me now feel manageable because I’ve built my tolerance for difficult things. When you avoid discomfort for years, even small challenges become mountains.

The Result

Time vanishes. Nothing satisfies. Regret builds. You get weaker.

And then the panic: “Is this it? Is this all there is?”

Yes. If you’ve stopped living, this is all there is. Because you chose comfort over life.

But it doesn’t have to be.

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How to Refuse to Settle

You don’t need to blow up your life. You don’t need to quit your job, move to Bali, or buy a motorcycle.

You just need to refuse to settle and get too comfortable.

Here’s how:

1. Reject the Age Narrative

The first step is simple: stop believing the story that life ends at 40, 50, or 60.

It doesn’t. That’s just what scared people tell themselves to justify quitting.

My friend won’t play basketball because he’s “not 22 anymore.” But his body works fine. He could play. He just decided he can’t.

Your body ages. That’s real. But your mind doesn’t have to. And this is extremely important.

People tell me I’m not mature enough, that I have Peter Pan syndrome because I don’t own a car, wear a suit, or have a wife and children. Society tries to convince me I’m behind, that I’m wrong, that I should think and behave like a man approaching 40. Maybe they’re right. But I’m going against those expectations anyway.

I’m 38. I run faster now than I did at 30. I’m stronger, healthier, and fitter. More disciplined. More capable. Because I didn’t accept the narrative that I should slow down and be like many men my age.

You get to choose. Are you “too old” for that thing? Or have you just decided you are?

2. Choose Discomfort Over Comfort

Most people wouldn’t believe this, but there’s not much more rewarding than accomplishing something very hard. I have training sessions where my mind screams to quit. I hear all the questions in the back of my head:

Why are you doing this? You’re not paid for this! You could be home eating something delicious. You could be home on your couch.

When your mind starts talking to you and questioning why you’re doing the thing you’re doing, you’re on the right path. Andrew Huberman had a conversation with David Goggins about doing hard things regularly, and he said there are areas in our brain that change positively when we fight through. It makes us more resilient.

Comfort, on the other hand, makes you soft. Weak. Unable to handle hard things.

You don’t have to do tempo training. But you need something that makes you uncomfortable. Something that requires effort. Something you can’t just coast through.

Learn a language. Take up a sport. Start a side project. Do something that scares you. Take a trip alone. Make that video you always wanted.

Because the alternative is slow death by comfort.

3. Break the Routine

Remember why time disappears? Routine.

Your brain stops encoding memories when every day is the same. That’s why years fly by in a blur.

The solution: break the routine. Intentionally.

Take a different route to work. Try a new sport class in your gym. Go to a place you’ve never been. Learn something new. Do anything that’s not what you did last week.

And most importantly, plan your actions. Forget about spontaneity. You will not do anything if you are waiting for a friend to call about going to that concert. Nobody will sign you up for that new high-intensity interval training class at your gym. Do it on your own, intentionally. Every time I see those faces after high-intensity interval training at my gym, they are smiling. Tired, but happy.

My last three years felt like ten because I kept breaking routines. New races in different countries and cities. New experiences. Every week had something distinct. I have a long list of things (you can call it a bucket list) I want to try, travel to, or experience.

I saw all my favorite bands live in the last three years. Not because people invited me, but because I sat down, found tickets, and made it happen.

If you want time to slow down, give your brain something to remember.

4. Take Action (Any Action)

Research on regret is clear: long-term regrets are about what you didn’t do, not what you did.

The things you’ll regret at 60 aren’t your failures. They’re the risks you never took. The dreams you never pursued. The life you never tried to live.

So take action. Any action.

Start the project. Ask the question. Try the thing.

You might fail. You might look foolish. But you won’t regret trying. You’ll only regret not trying.

I quit drinking at 37.

Quit smoking at 35.

Signed up for a marathon at 37.

Asked for another promotion at 38.

With my default mindset that always says “I’m not good enough,” these required courage. And I don’t regret them. I’d regret never trying.

What’s the thing you keep putting off? Do it this week. Even badly. Even imperfectly.

Action reduces future regret. Inaction creates it.

5. Keep Goals That Scare You

Most people stop setting real goals after 40. They “be realistic.” They lower their expectations. They settle for maintenance.

Don’t.

I want to sprint at 50. At 60. That goal scares me. My body might not cooperate. I might fail.

When I started running marathons, I asked myself which ones I wanted to run. I haven’t run the marathon in my own city, but I ran the TCS Sydney Marathon.

Because in my mind, I had this question: What are the biggest, most prestigious marathons in the world? Not in my own country or city, but in the world. I don’t limit myself to the small ones. The not-too-scary ones. I want to be scared but stand at the starting line of the Boston Marathon. I want to run the Tokyo Marathon.

In 2016, I had the goal to travel to 44 countries in one year. Everyone laughed at me. I didn’t hit 44, but I visited 16 countries in one year. Think about that.

Having these big goals keeps me alive. It gives me something to work toward. Something to measure myself against. I don’t want to retire. I want to be fit, healthy, and continue working and being useful for myself and for other people around me. I can’t imagine sitting at home as a retired, weak old man not doing anything anymore.

What’s your scary goal?

The one you’re too embarrassed to say out loud because people will tell you to “be realistic”?

Set it anyway. Ask yourself: what is the first, smallest possible step in the direction to achieve that goal?

You need something pulling you forward. Something that requires you to grow. Otherwise, you’re just maintaining what you have until you die.

6. Pay Attention

This is the simplest and hardest one.

Pay attention to your life. You need to become aware of what and why you’re doing every single day. I completely eliminated fluff time. It doesn’t mean I don’t chill on the couch and scroll my phone. Of course I do. But I do it intentionally, I set one hour for it, not brainlessly the whole afternoon.

When you eat, taste the food. When you talk to someone, listen. When you run, feel your body.

My last three years felt long because I paid attention. I planned deliberately. I wasn’t scrolling through life on autopilot. I was present. I ask myself every day: what is the plan for today? What do I want to do tomorrow? Planning more is also paying attention more.

Time doesn’t have to fly by. It flies by when you’re not paying attention.

Be here. Now. In this moment. Not in your head worrying about tomorrow or replaying yesterday.

Just be here.

7. Stay in Growth Mode

Most people switch from growth mode to maintenance mode at 40.

They stop trying to improve. They just try to maintain what they have.

Job? Maintain. Body? Maintain. Relationships? Maintain. Life? Maintain.

This is death.

You’re either growing or dying. There’s no maintenance. That’s an illusion.

I’m still trying to get faster, asking myself where my limit is. Last week I ran and realized I’d never run so fast for so long before. My body still adapts to higher speed.

I read new books. I learn about writing, marketing, hiking, filmmaking, longevity, health, fitness, and history. I’m reading The Comfort Crisis now. After that, I’ll read Why We Sleep.

At 38, I’m in growth mode.

Will I be slower at 60 than at 38? Probably. But I’ll be faster at 60 than if I’d settled at 40.

The question isn’t “Can I keep improving forever?” It’s “Am I trying to improve today?”

Stay in growth mode. Always.

Don’t Wait for Your Body to Stop You

We all grew up with the same image of aging.

Slowing down. Sitting in a wooden chair by the fire. Waiting.

Most people would paint a similar picture if you asked them to imagine getting old. Gray hair, tired body, quiet life. Done.

But that image isn’t reality. It’s just a story we’ve been told so many times we believe it.

We have far more potential than we think. We put hidden limitations on ourselves and never dare to ask: What else am I capable of? What could I still achieve?

I started asking those questions. And I’m not stopping until my body forces me to.

Not because I’m special. Because I refuse to settle.

You can do the same.

You have one life. One chance to see what you’re capable of. One opportunity to live fully instead of just existing.

The quiet panic you feel at 3am? That’s your wake-up call.

Don’t ignore it. Don’t suppress it. Don’t tell yourself “this is just how life is now.”

Answer it.

Start today. Not Monday. Not next month. Not when things settle down.

Today.

Go get your dreams. While you still can.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I literally started my life with a negative balance.

My confidence and self-acceptance were demolished by my mother’s constant criticism, and my emotional regulation was destroyed by the chronic stress and existential terror at home.

While other people grew up in warm and loving homes, I reached adulthood full of insecurities and without any plan for what I wanted to do with my life.

I’m not complaining, but it’s important to understand why we end up where we do. Back then, I thought everyone started from zero and all we needed to do was build up. I was completely wrong.

I went on dates wanting a girlfriend, but I had no plan for my life.

I went to the gym wanting to gain muscle, but I was smoking and drinking heavily.

My sleep was a disaster. I was in financial debt but still spent money on useless things.

I had no idea what I was actually interested in.

It was like trying to run before I could even walk.

It took me years to realize I was operating in negative balance across multiple areas of my life.

But once I did, it became obvious what I needed to do: I had to get to zero first.

It sounds harsh, but many of us have to work incredibly hard just to reach the baseline that others were given by default. A difficult childhood isn’t the only reason you can end up below the zero line, it can also come from unexpected hardship, addiction, illness, bad habits, or even laziness.

The baseline is different for everyone, but there are general principles that define it for most of us.

The Zero Balance Framework

Zero balance doesn’t mean being rich or extraordinarily successful.

It means having the basics right.

It’s about creating order in your life so you can actually build something.

It means getting a good night’s sleep so you start each day with positive energy instead of always falling behind.

It means not having debt dragging you down.

It means your apartment isn’t chaos.

It means your body gets healthy food and your blood work doesn’t show warning signs you’re ignoring.

Think about it: You can’t build muscle if you’re not sleeping. You can’t buy a nice car if you’re still paying off debt. You can’t confidently talk to someone you’re attracted to if you don’t have a decent haircut or proper clothes, and you definitely can’t answer “What are your plans?” if you have none.

When you’re in negative balance in multiple areas, they compound into a debt spiral:

Poor sleep from staying up late doomscrolling and drinking → tired at work → can’t focus → underperform → boss notices → lose your job → money problems → more stress → can’t sleep at all.

Or: Financial debt → can’t buy decent clothes → feel ashamed → avoid social events → loneliness → mental health problems.

Or even simpler: Messy, chaotic apartment → mental fog and constant discomfort → poor decisions → more chaos.

Every single negative balance in your life can trigger a spiral. If you’re not aware of it, returning to zero becomes nearly impossible.

The good news: Once you become aware of these debts, you can start working to regain control and get back to zero.

Here are the most important areas to examine so you can start leveling up.

Building Your Foundation: The Core Areas

1. Sleep

This is the most important area of all because it affects everything else on this list. Your energy level, mood, and decisions depend on the quality of your sleep. If you’re constantly tired, your most essential need is unfulfilled. You’ll experience food cravings, make poor decisions, skip your plans, and you’re more likely to get in an accident or injure yourself during workouts.

Zero balance: 6-7 hours consistently, no sleep debt, not dragging through your days

Positive balance: 7-8 hours, waking refreshed, actively improving sleep quality

First step: Set a consistent bedtime and develop a proper evening routine with no phone, no alcohol or heavy food, and stick to it for two weeks

2. Physical Health & Appearance

Getting a good night’s sleep is the foundation of your physical health, but it doesn’t automatically mean you’re at zero with your body. If you can’t take the stairs without stopping to catch your breath, you’re definitely below baseline. Being active — both cardio and strength training — can help here quickly. You don’t need to become an ambitious athlete, but being active three times a week would boost your energy level and physical fitness enormously. A healthy body is also the foundation for the next area on this list.

Beyond physical fitness, I have to mention essential grooming because your appearance can also put you below zero. Get that haircut regularly. If you’re a man, shave or maintain your beard. Cut those nails. Clean your ears. Even just doing the basics can bring huge improvement in your appearance.

Zero balance: 2-3 times a week, at least 30 minutes of physical activity (walking, jogging, cycling, strength training)

Positive balance: 2 cardio days and 2 strength training days per week, gaining muscle and improving VO2 max

First step: Go for a walk before or after work. Check out the local gym just to get into that space.

3. Mental Health

As you get physically healthier, you’ll see improvements in your mental health as well. Getting a healthy body boosts your confidence. You’ll like what you see in the mirror more. You can start smiling at yourself. It improves your self-esteem.

Beyond that, you need to pay attention to your stress level and emotional state. If you have unprocessed trauma or any other mental issue, start taking care of it. Otherwise, it can negatively impact all the other areas. Learn to control your emotions, or they will control you, and not for your good.

Zero balance: Aware of your stress and emotions, starting to manage them

Positive balance: Practices in place (meditation, journaling, therapy, yoga)

First step: Daily check-in with yourself

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4. Environment

This is an underrated life hack, but cleaning up your apartment, sorting out your unnecessary stuff, and having a neat living environment brings a lot to your daily life. I personally can’t think clearly if my home looks like a mess, and it stresses me quite a bit. If your home is clean and neat, you can invite people anytime. Make your bed after you wake up. Wash your dishes after eating. Clean that toilet every week. It’s a form of self-respect, giving yourself a nice environment to live in. How can you expect others to respect you if you don’t respect yourself at all?

Zero balance: Clean space, functional wardrobe, no clutter chaos

Positive balance: Organized systems, intentional belongings

First step: Clean one room completely, sort out your wardrobe

5. Finances

Disclaimer: The following section does not constitute financial advice. It reflects solely my personal experience and opinions regarding financial health. For professional financial guidance, please consult a qualified advisor.

Alright, now it gets serious.

Until this point, we’ve handled the basics: you sleep well, you look good, you think clearly, and you have a clean desk to sit down and focus on your finances.

The first thing you need to do is establish a status quo.

Do you know how many subscriptions you have?

Do you know how much money you spend on them?

How much do you pay for electricity?

Do you have debt?

How much money do you make?

You need a very clear overview of the data. Use your bank account and start calculating: income versus expenses. If you’ve never done this before, it can be a surprising process to realize how much you spend on coffee or online shopping.

Are you dreaming about investing?

That belongs to positive balance. Getting to zero means you know your numbers exactly and have a plan to improve them. If you have debt, your first and most important mission is to pay it off. Until then, you’re below zero. To do that, you need more money, so either you cut your expenses or you start making more money. Both are possible, but at the beginning, cutting costs is easier than getting stressed about how to make more. So cut the coffee, the many subscriptions, the credit cards, and start working to get to zero.

Zero balance: No debt, know your numbers

Positive balance: Saving, investing, clear budget

First step: Track everything for one month

6. Work & Career

Since you’ve started saving money, now here’s the opportunity to increase your income by boosting your career.

This is also something you need to start with a reality check.

Do you like your job?

Is there any opportunity to move up and earn more?

Have you asked your boss?

Or have you just gotten used to the life you’re living and never even thought about it?

It’s time to be proactive here because you want to have a plan.

Sometimes we’re working at the wrong place, but we’ve become accustomed to the situation and never asked ourselves if we have other options. My good friend just quit his job and went to another company. After three weeks, his new employer asked him if he wanted to become a department lead. At his previous company, there was no option like that.

It doesn’t matter what your job is. Sit down and think about it.

Is there a similar employer where you could ask for the same job but for more money?

Is there any skill you could learn to level up at your job and get better paid?

Have you asked your boss about perspective and opportunities to advance?

Be aware of your current situation and ask yourself every week what you can do to get further. Being proactive and motivated is not only attractive to your partner but also to your employer.

Take action.

Zero balance: Job you don’t hate, clear on next step

Positive balance: Building skills, clear path, taking action

First step: Define what you want next

7. Relationships

Imagine this situation: You slept well and you have a lot of energy because you’re doing sports and eating well. You can listen to people easily because your mental health is stable. You can invite friends over because your apartment is clean and welcoming. You don’t have stress because your finances are solid, and you can even order a pizza for your friends. If they ask you about your personal plans, you can tell them you’re learning a new skill and asked your boss about the next steps in your career.

This decent person is you.

People are listening to you because they think your life is interesting.

You have a plan.

You look good and you’re reliable.

At this point, building those relationships will be much easier because you can be fully yourself. You don’t have to make up stories about your nonexistent plans or explain why you can’t invite somebody over again. In this state of your life, you’ll be able to cut off all the toxic people who can drag you back below zero.

You don’t have to wait to be chosen by others all the time, you can also choose who you want to hang out with. This means you build healthy relationships with people who build you up, support you, and are there for you.

Zero balance: No toxic relationships, aware of what you need

Positive balance: Meaningful connections, working on them

First step: Audit your relationships honestly

How to Start Your Zero Balance Process

It’s very important not to try fixing everything at once.

That would frustrate you because there might be many things you want to improve at the same time.

My recommendation is always to start with the most essential areas like sleep, physical health, and mental health.

If you don’t have those, you’ll probably fail in all the other ones because you don’t have the body and mind that can carry you through all the challenges you face in your daily life.

The goal is sustainable order, not overnight transformation.

Here’s how to actually do it:

Start with sleep. This is non-negotiable. Fix your sleep first before tackling anything else. Give yourself two weeks of consistent sleep routine before moving on. If you can’t maintain it, don’t move forward, stay here until it sticks.

Once sleep is stable, add physical health. Start moving your body regularly. After another two or four weeks of consistency with both sleep and movement, you’re ready for the next step.

Then address your mental health. Start checking in with yourself daily. Begin noticing your stress and emotions.

Only after these three are stable should you tackle environment, finances, work, and relationships. Pick one at a time. Get it to zero. Then move to the next.

If you slip: Don’t panic. Slipping back below zero in one area is normal. The key is catching it early and addressing it before it spirals. Use your awareness to course-correct quickly.

Be patient with yourself. Getting all seven areas to zero might take months or even a year. That’s fine. You’re building a foundation that will last the rest of your life. Rushing it defeats the purpose.

Conclusion

Having your shit together isn’t glamorous. It’s not about being the richest or the most successful person in the room. It’s about knowing where you stand and moving forward with clarity. It’s the opposite of chaos. Start with awareness of your negative balances, then take one step at a time to get back to zero. From there, you can finally start building the life you actually want.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re working on getting to zero in any area of your life, or if this framework resonates with you, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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When I was 35 years old and had another broken relationship behind me, I recognized something I never had before: I was running in circles.

My life was always the same. Be single, find a girlfriend to feel loved (because I didn’t love myself at all), do everything to keep that relationship alive. Serve. Maintain harmony. Ignore my own needs, wishes, and desires.

And then it would end. Not nicely, but with panic, helplessness, fear, and emptiness. Because besides the relationship, there was nothing I could live for.

But the last time it ended, something clicked. I finally saw the pattern. And I decided to break the cycle.

For the first time in my life, I put myself in focus. My well-being. My interests. My life. Because I realized something nobody told me in my early years: if I have my shit together and I’m happy alone, I can have healthier relationships with others.

I took this seriously. And here are the seven things I stopped doing when I got serious about change.

1. The Victim Mentality

My mother was the definition of victimhood. That was her way to get attention, and I learned it from her. I loved lying on the couch telling myself that I did everything right, but life was unfair to me. Everyone around me had a better life. They had luck. I didn’t.

After that last breakup, I caught myself every time I started sinking into the victim mindset. I reminded myself that I have control over my life and can do something about my misery.

For the first time, I felt how empowering it is to realize I’m not helpless. This new mindset turned into a life-changing habit. Now, if there’s something I need to do, bureaucratic stuff, taxes, sport, writing, I go into action immediately. No procrastination, no excuses. I simply do it because I have control.

2. Saying Yes to Everything

I was a huge people pleaser. I wanted to be liked and loved in a very needy way. If somebody asked me to help them move, I did it even if I didn’t have the time. If somebody invited me to a party, the default answer was yes. I often had panic attacks and shaking hands because my body was sending obvious signals that it was too much. I ignored them.

After the breakup, I started saying no and stating my own opinion. Most people appreciated the honesty, and nobody got annoyed when I declined an invitation. That positive experience gave me confidence. I knew I could survive even if just a few people liked me.

Today, my default answer is no. And I’ve never regretted saying it. Not once.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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3. Scrolling Instagram

I used to scroll Instagram for hours every day. As someone who didn’t know who he was or what he wanted, I became a target of the algorithm. I felt jealousy constantly and was never content with my life because I always compared myself to others. Instagram injected the toxic feeling into my brain that my life was shitty.

In 2023, I deleted it. The positive improvement was bigger than I expected. I started executing my own plans. I became confident in my own ideas. I realized my life wasn’t shitty at all, I just had to give it a chance.

Today, I still don’t have Instagram and can’t imagine installing it again. I’m too busy with my own life to scroll through someone else’s.

4. Drinking

One year and four months today since I had my last beer. It wasn’t just about making a serious change, it was about the health benefits. The brain fog, the hangovers, the dry skin, tired face, and wasted weekends.

I had been drinking for more than 20 years, so it was a long journey. But now I’m not sure if I’ll ever drink again. Being sober strengthened my confidence because I no longer rely on alcohol for social events, dates, or a boring Friday at home.

If somebody asks if I want a drink, I tell them with almost pride that I don’t drink. Most people don’t have a problem with it. And I got back my weekends, my performance, my sleep, and I feel amazing every single day.

5. Late Nights

I’ve heard so many times that after 10pm nothing interesting happens in life. The chain reaction of not drinking anymore led me to test this habit too.

At the beginning, it felt weird to turn off the light so “early.” But today it’s one of my most important habits. If I go to sleep early, I sleep better. When I sleep well, I have more energy. I can focus better and my nervous system is balanced.

There are exceptions like the movie theater or dinner with friends, but the default is 10pm. No TV shows until midnight, no video games, no phone scrolling. This change provides the foundation for every other important habit in my life.

6. Junk Food

When the big turning point arrived, I wanted to dive into health much deeper than ever. I cut processed sugar completely, stopped eating junk food, and became my own cook. When I go to the supermarket, almost everything I buy is fresh, not processed or wrapped in plastic.

People say if you want a healthy life, focus 80% on diet and 20% on sport. I agree. In the gym, I always see guys who show up regularly but can’t lose the belly fat because their diet isn’t good enough.

Since changing my diet, I feel healthier than ever. My skin is clear, my hair loss slowed down, and it positively impacted my sleep too.

7. Reacting Impulsively

This is a smaller change but very beneficial. There’s a line that says: if you don’t control your emotions, your emotions will control you. I took it seriously.

When somebody messages me at work with something annoying, I wait before I reply. I’ve caught myself typing something rude because I got angry, then deleted it and changed it to something constructive. It gives me a better feeling because I show myself they can’t control me.

This habit also applies to shopping. Every time I put something in my basket, I wait at least one day and ask myself if I really need it. Most cases, I don’t order anything because I realize I don’t need it at all.

This habit protects me, my relationships, and my wallet.

The Compound Effect

None of these changes happened overnight. And none of them work in isolation. They build on each other. When I stopped drinking, going to bed early became easier. When I slept better, eating healthy became easier. When I ate healthy, I had more energy. When I had more energy, I could say no to things that drained me.

Sometimes growth isn’t about adding more to your life. It’s about removing what’s holding you back.

What do you need to stop doing?

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I remember being 20 years old and dreaming of becoming a successful adult. In my mind, I was living in New York City at 32, wearing a trench coat, holding a Starbucks coffee, and walking along Fifth Avenue at sunset. This was the picture I carried with me.

Then I turned 30. Then 31. Then finally 32.

I wasn’t even 10 percent of the successful person I had imagined. Obviously, I started asking myself why I hadn’t become that man.

So I looked back at the years between 20 and 30, and I had to face a harsh truth: I hadn’t done anything except party, chase cheap pleasures, complain, and be lazy. It was brutal to swallow, but it taught me that I had been a victim of self-deception. I had a massive identity gap in my life.

The identity in my mind: I’m a hardworking, successful man.

My real identity: A weak man who drank too much, mastered quiet quitting, and had low standards for almost everything in his life.

I remember at university there was a guy in my class who worked for the university paper every evening. He skipped most of the parties. I know this because I never skipped any of them. After graduating, I ended up unemployed and struggled to find something, anything, to at least earn rent.

Then one day I turned on the TV, and there he was. The guy from my class. He had a microphone in his hand and was reporting about an accident in a small city.

My jaw dropped to the ground. I felt this overwhelming sense of unfairness. Life wasn’t treating me well, and this “loser” guy I had often laughed about was on TV while I, the “better” one, was struggling to find a job.

As you might assume, I had an error in my thinking back then. A massive one.

I expected huge professional success, but I didn’t do anything for it. I also wanted to look muscular, but I ate pizza almost every single day, smoked and drank at least four times a week, and then went to the gym once a week where I spent most of the time discussing with my friends where we’d drink after the gym.

No surprise, I didn’t develop any muscles. And the funny thing? I was genuinely surprised about it.

I knew what I should do. I just didn’t do it.

And if you’re reading this and feeling that uncomfortable recognition in your chest, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know what you should do too.

You’ve known for a while now.

Let Me Show You Your Life

This isn’t just my story. This is almost everyone’s story. The details change, but the pattern is the same: You know what you should do. You just don’t do it.

Let me show you what I mean. Here are many real-life examples where you can recognize yourself as well.

Health & Fitness

Example 1 - The Gym Membership: You pay for a gym membership every month. You tell yourself, ‘This year I’m getting in shape.’ The membership card sits in your wallet. You’ve been to the gym twice in three months. But you keep paying because canceling would mean admitting you’re not going to use it. And you still might. Maybe next week.

Example 2 - The Pizza Paradox: You say you want to lose weight. You download a calorie tracking app. You watch YouTube videos about meal prep. Then Friday night comes and you order pizza and drink four beers. Saturday you do it again. Sunday you tell yourself Monday is when you’ll really start. You’ve been saying this for two years.

Example 3 - The Running Shoes: You buy expensive running shoes. You set them by the door. You plan to run tomorrow morning. Tomorrow comes and you hit snooze. The shoes sit there for weeks, still clean, still waiting. But in your mind, you’re ‘someone who runs.’ You just haven’t started yet.

Money & Spending

Example 4 - The Savings Account: You say you want financial freedom. You read articles about investing. You know you should save 20% of your income. Then a sale notification pops up on your phone. Black Friday is coming. You buy something you don’t need. Again. Your savings account has $47 in it. It’s had $47 for six months.

Example 5 - The Subscription Trap: You want to save money. You also have Netflix, Spotify, Amazon Prime, three streaming services you forgot about, a gym membership you don’t use, and a monthly subscription box for something you were excited about once. That’s $200/month you ‘can’t afford to save.’

Example 6 - The Coffee Math: You complain you have no money. You also buy coffee every single day. Someone tells you that’s $1,500 per year. You say, ‘But I deserve my coffee.’ You do. But you also say you deserve financial security. Which one are you actually choosing?

Career & Ambition

Example 7 - The Side Project: You have an idea for a business, a blog, a creative project. You talk about it with friends. You think about it before sleep. You’ve been thinking about it for three years. You’ve never written a single word or taken a single action. But in your mind, you’re ‘working on something.’

Example 8 - The Evening Netflix Habit: You say you want to build something, learn something, become something more. Every evening after work, you have three free hours. Every evening, you watch Netflix until you fall asleep. Every morning, you wake up wondering why your life isn’t changing.

Example 9 - The Resume That Never Gets Updated: You want a better job. You hate your current one. You complain about it weekly. Your resume hasn’t been updated in two years. You haven’t sent out a single application. You haven’t networked. You haven’t learned new skills. But you’re ‘looking for something better.’

Relationships

Example 10 - The Bad Relationship: You know the relationship isn’t good. Your friends know. Your family knows. You complain about it constantly. But when someone asks why you don’t leave, you say, ‘It’s complicated.’ It’s not complicated. You’re scared of being alone. So you stay and slowly lose yourself.

Example 11 - The Friendship Paradox: You say you want deeper friendships. You also never text first. Never initiate plans. Never open up. Never show up consistently. Then you wonder why your friendships feel shallow. You’re waiting for others to build the friendship you want.

Example 12 - The Dating App Delete: You say you want to meet someone. You download dating apps. You swipe for a week. It feels exhausting and shallow. You delete the apps. You don’t go to places where you might meet people. You don’t put yourself out there. But you still ‘want a relationship.’

Personal Growth

Example 13 - The Unread Books: You buy books about self-improvement, productivity, psychology. They sit on your shelf, spines uncracked. You scroll TikTok for three hours instead. But you tell people you’re ‘really into reading.’ Are you? Or do you just like the idea of being someone who reads?

Example 14 - The Meditation App: You know you should meditate. You’ve downloaded three apps. You did it once for five minutes. It felt uncomfortable. You never did it again. But you still say, ‘I really need to start meditating.’ No, you need to meditate. Starting is not the same as doing.

If you recognized yourself in at least one of these examples, then I’ve already achieved what I wanted because I made you aware of this problem you already knew about anyway. But don’t worry, you’re not the only one living in self-deception, and the better news is that there’s a way out.

Before we get to the solutions, it’s always good to know why we get trapped in the identity gap. Understanding the problem can help us get out or not end up there again.

Why Do We Lie to Ourselves?

So why? Why do smart, capable people live like this? Why do we lie to ourselves so easily?

1. Comfort Always Wins (Unless You Force It Not To)

The uncomfortable truth:

• The right action is almost always uncomfortable

• Going to the gym is hard

• Saving money means saying no to things you want right now

• Having difficult conversations feels terrible

• Your brain is designed to avoid discomfort

What happens:

• Your brain chooses comfort every single time

• Unless you consciously force it otherwise

• The pizza feels better than the salad

• The couch feels better than the gym

• Netflix feels better than working on your project

The result:

• You always choose the path of least resistance

• And that path leads nowhere

2. The Consequences Feel Too Far Away

What your brain tells you:

• One pizza won’t make you fat

• One skipped workout won’t ruin your health

• One impulse purchase won’t bankrupt you

• This one time doesn’t matter

The trap:

• Your brain is right. One time doesn’t matter

• The damage happens slowly, invisibly

• Over weeks, months, years

• By the time you see the consequences, the pattern is set

The reality:

• It’s never just one time

• It’s one time, every time

• And those one-times add up to your entire life

3. You’re Living in Two Realities at Once

Reality #1 - In Your Mind:

• You’re the person who’s going to start running

• You’re going to save money

• You’re going to build something

• You’re working on yourself

• That version feels completely real to you

Reality #2 - Your Actual Life:

• You haven’t run in months

• Your savings account is empty

• You haven’t built anything

• You watch Netflix every night

• This is who you actually are

The gap:

• Who you are is defined by what you actually do

• Not what you plan to do

• Not what you think about doing

• Not what you want to do

• The gap between those two versions is killing you

4. Self-Deception Feels Better Than the Truth

What’s easier to say:

• “I want to be healthy”

• “I’m working on my career”

• “I’m looking for the right person”

• “I’m planning to start soon”

What’s harder to admit:

• “I prioritize comfort over health”

• “I watch Netflix every night instead of working”

• “I’m too scared to put myself out there”

• “I’ve been planning for three years and done nothing”

Why we choose the lie:

• The truth is uncomfortable

• The lie lets us keep our self-image intact

• We can feel good about our intentions

• Without facing the reality of our actions

• And we’re really, really good at this

Before You Do Anything: Look in the Mirror

Here’s the part you don’t want to hear: You have to admit the truth before you can change anything.

And the truth is brutal.

But I can tell you that all the biggest changes happened in my life when I was radically honest with myself. I admitted things that made me nervous and gave me a racing heart. I wrote them down and looked at them. After that, there were no more unspoken secrets between me and myself. That honesty transformed my life into a better one because from that point, there was something I could work with.

Unfortunately, at the beginning, most people will read those examples and rationalize why theirs is different. “But I’m ACTUALLY busy.” “But I REALLY do want to change.” “But my situation is unique.”

No. You’re lying to yourself. Again.

The first step isn’t action. It’s honesty. Real, brutal, uncomfortable honesty about who you actually are right now, not who you wish you were.

Here’s how to see the truth:

The Weekend Test: Who Are You When Nobody’s Watching?

Track one weekend honestly. Not how you wish you spent it. How you actually spent it. What time did you wake up? What did you do first? How many hours on your phone? How many hours on productive activities versus entertainment? What did you eat and drink?

Your weekend shows your real priorities. Not your stated ones. Your real ones.

The Money Test: What Do You Actually Value?

Open your bank statement right now. Look at the last three months. Where does your money actually go? Not where you think it goes. Where it actually goes. Every transaction, every purchase. Add it up by category.

Your spending shows what you actually value, not what you say you value. Money flows to what matters to you. If it’s all going to comfort and entertainment, that’s what you actually prioritize.

The Time Test: Where Does Your Life Actually Go?

Track one full week. Every hour. Be honest. How much time working? Sleeping? On your phone or social media? Watching entertainment? Actually working toward your goals? Exercising? Learning?

Your calendar doesn’t lie. Your intentions lie. Your plans lie. But your calendar tells the brutal truth about what you actually do with your life.

The Relationship Test: Who Are You Really Close To?

Look at the last month. Who did you actually spend time with? Not who you wish you spent time with. Who you actually texted, called, saw. Who you invested energy in. Who you showed up for.

Your real social circle isn’t who you think about. It’s who you actually spend time with. That’s the truth.

The Action Test: What Have You Actually Done?

In the last month, what have you actually done toward your stated goals? Not thought about. Not planned. Not talked about. Actually done. If the answer is nothing, you don’t actually want it. You want to want it. There’s a difference.

The Hard Truth:

If you did those tests honestly and you don’t like what you saw, good. That discomfort is the beginning of change. You can’t fix what you won’t admit is broken.

Now let’s talk about how to close the gap.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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How to Actually Close the Gap

Understanding the problem is one thing. Fixing it is another.

You can’t rely on motivation. You can’t rely on willpower. Both run out. What you need is a system that makes doing the right thing easier than doing the wrong thing. Here’s how:

1. Change Your Environment First (Don’t Fight It)

Stop trying to use willpower to resist temptation. Willpower is a finite resource that depletes throughout the day. Instead, remove the temptation entirely.

If you want to eat healthier:

• Don’t keep junk food in your house

• Don’t have beer in your fridge

• Meal prep on Sunday so healthy food is the easy option

• Make ordering pizza require more steps (delete delivery apps)

Practical tip: When I go grocery shopping, I ALWAYS have a shopping list and I only buy the things that are actually on the list. No impulse shopping, no searching for inspiration in the middle of the supermarket. I stick to the shopping list. It helps me avoid buying unnecessary AND unhealthy groceries.

If you want to save money:

• Delete shopping apps from your phone

• Unsubscribe from promotional emails

• Remove saved credit card info from websites

• Make impulse buying inconvenient

Practical tip: Use the “sleep on it” strategy. I do this every time I put something in my Amazon basket. I wait until the next day before I hit the buy button. Probably 60 to 70 percent of the time, I don’t order the thing I wanted because I realize I don’t actually need it at all.

If you want to work on your goals:

• Set up a dedicated workspace

• Keep your laptop open with your project file ready

• Put your phone in another room

• Make distractions harder to access than your work

Practical tip: Develop a habit for working on your side project. I do it every single day (weekends as well), before I start work and after work. Find 20 minutes and don’t be discouraged if you only work on it for a few minutes. Small actions compound over time. Just start.

The principle: Make the right choice the path of least resistance. Make the wrong choice require effort.

2. Make the Right Thing Stupidly Easy

The easier something is to start, the more likely you’ll actually do it.

When I started running consistently, I didn’t rely on motivation. I put my running shoes by the door. I laid out my running clothes the night before. When I woke up, I didn’t have to think. I just had to put them on and walk out the door. The friction was gone.

Examples:

• Want to read more? Put books on your nightstand, coffee table, everywhere you sit (I have one on my nightstand and one on the couch.)

• Want to go to the gym? Pack your gym bag the night before and put it by the door (If you can, then choose a gym that is not far from you.)

• Want to write? Open your laptop to a blank document before you go to bed

• Want to meditate? Set up a meditation corner with a cushion already in place

The two-minute rule applies here: make the first step so easy it takes less than two minutes. You don’t have to run 5km. You just have to put on your shoes. Usually, once you start, you keep going.

3. Shift Your Identity, Not Just Your Goals

This is the most powerful shift you can make. This practice helped me enormously because it made me think about what I really want, and I started to embody those identities. Since I said about myself that I’m an athlete, I also wanted to realize that identity.

Stop saying “I want to be healthy.” Start saying “I’m someone who takes care of my body.”

Stop saying “I want to save money.” Start saying “I’m someone who lives below my means.”

Stop saying “I want to build something.” Start saying “I’m someone who creates.”

Why this works:

Your identity determines your behavior more than your goals do. When you see yourself as “someone who runs,” you don’t debate whether to go running. You just go. That’s what someone who runs does.

How to do this:

Act like the person you want to become, even before you believe it. The identity follows the behavior, not the other way around. Every time you run, you reinforce the identity: “I’m a runner.” Every time you save instead of spend, you reinforce: “I’m someone who values financial freedom.”

Small actions repeated consistently change your identity. And once your identity changes, the behavior becomes automatic.

4. Track Your Actions, Not Your Intentions

Stop giving yourself credit for wanting to do something. Only count what you actually did.

I started tracking my runs, my writing sessions, everything I said I would do. Not in my head. On paper. In an app. Somewhere I couldn’t lie to myself about.

The brutal honesty principle:

At the end of each day, write down:

• What you actually did toward your goals (not what you thought about or planned)

• How much time you actually spent being productive

• What you ate, how much you drank, how you spent your money

You’ll see the gap immediately. And you can’t lie to a written record.

Tools:

• Simple habit tracker (checkmarks on a calendar)

• Spreadsheet (I use Google Sheets)

• Journal

• App (Streaks, Habitica, whatever works)

The act of tracking makes you conscious. And consciousness is the first step to change.

5. Accept That the Right Action Will Feel Uncomfortable

This is the hardest one to internalize: discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something right.

Going to the gym feels uncomfortable. That’s normal. Saving money instead of buying something you want feels uncomfortable. That’s normal. Working on your project instead of watching Netflix feels uncomfortable. That’s normal.

The lie you’ve been telling yourself: “If it feels hard, I must not be ready yet.”

The truth: It’s supposed to feel hard. That’s what growth feels like.

The comfortable path is the one you’ve been walking. That’s why it’s comfortable. The new path is uncomfortable by definition because it’s new. But discomfort doesn’t mean stop. It means you’re moving in the right direction.

And I can tell you that the discomfort will disappear over time. Your mind adapts to almost everything, and those hard feelings at the beginning will become very normal to you. Every time I tell people how I live, how much sport I do, how many books I read, how many hours I work, and that I still go to bed at 10 pm and sleep well, they don’t believe it. It’s because I don’t have those inner conflicts or conversations with myself anymore about whether I should go running or do the work. I just do them because they feel easy to me now. And this is something you can also achieve.

6. Never Do Nothing

Some days you won’t feel like doing the thing. That’s fine. You’re human. But here’s the rule: never do nothing.

If you’re supposed to run 5km but you don’t feel like it: Run 1km. Or walk for 10 minutes. Just don’t skip entirely. I always go to the gym even when I don’t feel strong. When I’m there, I hear the music, I see other people working out, and then I’ll do 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer or something similar. Not the best training, but I was there, and that’s the most important thing.

Same for other goals:

If you’re supposed to work on your project for an hour but you’re exhausted: Work for 10 minutes. Write one sentence. Just don’t do nothing.

If you’re supposed to cook a healthy meal but you don’t have the energy: At least make a salad. At least skip the pizza and eat something neutral.

Why this matters:

The habit of showing up is more important than the quality of any single session. When you do nothing, you’re training yourself to do nothing. When you do something, even the bare minimum, you’re training yourself to show up.

Momentum beats perfection every time.

7. Remove or Reduce Misaligned People and Situations

This is uncomfortable to hear, but sometimes your environment includes people who are keeping you stuck.

The friends who always want to party when you’re trying to be healthy? You might need to see them less.

The relationship that keeps you small and scared? You might need to leave.

The job that drains every ounce of energy? You might need to plan an exit.

I’m not saying cut everyone out of your life. But you need to be honest about who supports your growth and who undermines it. Some people in your life are aligned with who you’re trying to become. Others are aligned with who you used to be.

You don’t owe anyone access to your life if they’re pulling you backward.

8. Make the Future Real Right Now

Your brain discounts future consequences. One pizza today doesn’t feel like a big deal. But here’s how to make it real:

Ask yourself: If I do this every day for the next year, where will I be?

If you eat pizza and drink beer every weekend for a year: You’ll gain weight, feel sluggish, and hate how you look.

If you watch Netflix every evening for a year instead of working on your project: You’ll be in the exact same place, still wishing you had started.

If you keep spending instead of saving for a year: You’ll have zero financial security and be one emergency away from crisis.

The question makes it real. It connects the choice you’re making right now to the inevitable outcome. And suddenly, one pizza doesn’t feel harmless anymore.

How I Closed My Own Gap

I’ll be honest with you. I spent years knowing what I should do and not doing it. I knew I should stop drinking so much. I didn’t. I knew I should leave bad relationships. I didn’t. I knew I should work on something meaningful. I didn’t.

What changed?

I stopped waiting for motivation. I changed my environment. I removed alcohol from my house. I ended the relationships that were keeping me stuck. I deleted Instagram because it was feeding my self-deception. I started running consistently, not because I felt like it, but because I decided that’s who I am now.

I tracked everything. I wrote down what I actually did every day, not what I planned to do. The gap between my stated goals and my actions became impossible to ignore.

And slowly, the identity shifted. I stopped being someone who “wants to be healthy” and became someone who runs and eats healthy every day (no cheat meals at all). I stopped being someone who “wants to write” and became someone who publishes every week. I stopped being someone who “plans to change” and became someone who actually does the work.

Today, I have a completely different life than I did three years ago. I’ve never been healthier, fitter, or happier in my whole life, and it’s not because I became rich or found the woman of my life. It’s because I started to be reliable to myself and take my goals and plans seriously, whatever it takes. I learned consistency, stopped complaining, and realized that I don’t actually need a lot to be happy.

It wasn’t fast. It wasn’t easy.

And you can do it too. Not because you’re special or disciplined or different. But because you’re willing to be honest about where you are and do the uncomfortable work of closing the gap.

It Won’t Be Perfect (And That’s Okay)

Alignment isn’t about perfection. You’ll still have days where you order pizza. Days where you skip the gym. Days where you watch Netflix instead of working on your project.

That’s being human.

But closing the gap even 50% changes everything. Going from doing nothing to doing something most of the time is the difference between staying stuck and actually building the life you want.

The life you say you want is on the other side of doing what you know you should do.

Not thinking about it. Not planning it. Not talking about it. Doing it.

You already know what you should do.

So why don’t you do it?

Now you know. And now you have no more excuses.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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In my previous article, I wrote about the process of becoming happy alone. You might have skipped it because you think you’re already there, but it’s important to mention that this state can come and go. You might have periods where solitude feels like freedom, and other times when it feels like a threat you need to escape.

These seven signs will help you recognize when you’re struggling with being alone, even if you’ve convinced yourself otherwise.

1. You’re Waiting for Your Partner When They’re Out

I remember when I was in a relationship and wasn’t happy alone at all. When my girlfriend went out with her friends for a girl’s night, a company event, or just to do sports on her own, I would wait for her at home. It felt like I had stopped my life while she was away.

I tried to pretend I was fine and did those typical things people suggest: a bath with candles, cooking steak, or having a drink alone. But the discomfort didn’t disappear. When she finally came home, I took an invisible deep breath. She was back, and now I could continue living.

I was miserable and dependent.

If you don’t feel complete when your partner isn’t home with you, if you start thinking anxiously about what you should do while they’re away, if you have a feeling of helplessness, then you have some work to do.

How to recognize it: Pay attention to yourself. How do you feel when your partner announces plans you’re not involved in? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Or are you completely fine with it because you have a life of your own and you welcome the time you can spend alone? Be honest with yourself, even if you feel ashamed about the truth.

2. A Weekend Without Plans Makes You Feel Nervous

If you’re not happy alone, especially if you’re single, an empty weekend can make you freak out easily. You already feel it on Thursday, and you try to find something or somebody desperately just to fill the weekend. If you need to ask yourself, “Shit, what am I going to do this weekend?” it can be a sign that you’re not happy alone.

And even worse, you haven’t figured out yet what you’re interested in or what you like to do on your own. You don’t have any hobbies or private projects you’re working on.

Reminder: Being with people all the time is not a hobby. Day drinking regularly on a Saturday is distraction, not enjoyment.

How to recognize it: Listen to your thoughts and feelings. How do you feel when the weekend is approaching and you don’t have any plans yet? If you feel nervous or panicked about it, it can be a sign of not being able to be happy alone.

3. You Numb Yourself to Avoid Feeling Anything

Last week I went to the movie theater to watch the new movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. This is something I do regularly, and I don’t even buy water when I’m there. I go in, watch the movie with full attention, and then I go home.

This time, there was a woman sitting in front of me, probably around my age or a bit younger. I was sure this was her first time at a movie theater alone. She had huge nachos and white wine in her hand, and she ate and drank so fast that she needed another serving before the trailers even started. Another nachos, another wine. Then the movie started, and ten minutes later she went out again and came back with another wine. Then I heard glass breaking. At the end of the movie, she was so drunk she could barely walk straight out of the cinema.

I thought, well, the first time alone is always difficult. I didn’t judge her. I actually admired that she had the courage to go to the cinema alone. But it was obvious that she was struggling with it, and she tried to numb all her negative feelings about the situation.

I did the same thing back when I wasn’t happy alone. I regularly opened a bottle of red wine when I was alone, and it wasn’t rare that I finished that bottle on a Friday evening. I smoked one cigarette after another, and when I finally went to sleep, I was numb. I was in avoidance mode, just like the young woman in the movie theater.

How to recognize this sign: If you can’t spend a day alone without numbing yourself with alcohol, smoking, drugs, eating junk food, sweets, or compulsive behaviors, it can be a sign of not being happy alone. You’re avoiding the uncomfortable feelings about your situation.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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4. You’re in a Bad Relationship and You Know It

Being in a bad relationship because of fear is a common phenomenon in our society. Many people have gotten used to being abused, cheated on, disrespected, unsupported, or even unloved. But when they think about leaving the relationship, they’re terrified. They don’t know what they would do if they were alone again. And this fear holds them in those bad relationships, sometimes until the end of their lives, just because they didn’t have the courage to be alone and take back control over their life.

The problem is that most of these people would never admit it or say out loud that they’re actually not happy in their relationship. They avoid the fact at all costs. I’ve heard from many people in my life: “Well, I don’t love my wife anymore,” or “I cheat on my husband, but I don’t want to break up. What would I do without them?”

Usually, these people only use the term “we,” and they don’t have their own identity anymore. They’ve built an unhealthy dependency in their life, and they suffer in it, but they believe they would suffer even more without it.

How to recognize this sign: If you feel this way and you have that tiny voice deep in your heart that says your relationship isn’t the one you wish for yourself, then you know you’re in the wrong place. You feel restless, insecure, or purposeless when your partner isn’t around, instead of enjoying personal time.

5. You Live in Constant Noise

This is another common thing I’ve heard from so many people. When they wake up, the first thing they do is put in earbuds and start some “funny” podcast. Or they go to the kitchen and turn on the radio before making their coffee. (This was me back then.) They turn on the TV and just let it run in the background. “It’s so cozy.” They watch a YouTube video while brushing their teeth or scroll Instagram reels during breakfast. Music while exercising, then a podcast in the shower, and then Netflix with dinner.

No pause. No silence.

You could tell me that you’re interested in all these things you listen to all day long. I would accept it, but I wouldn’t believe it. Because if I asked you about the details of that podcast you heard while showering, you probably wouldn’t remember it anymore. I couldn’t tell you what I heard on the radio in the morning either because I didn’t listen to it on purpose. I just wanted the noise.

And maybe you want that noise too. If you live like I described above, in constant noise, then the probability that you’re not really happy alone is high. The noise is a tool for avoidance. You’re not fine with your own thoughts and emotions, and you want to lock them out.

How to recognize this sign: You feel uneasy, restless, or anxious the moment there’s quiet. You rarely enjoy silence or downtime without something playing in the background. You use entertainment as constant distraction rather than for enjoyment or learning. Even when you don’t feel like engaging, you force yourself to watch or listen just to avoid being alone with your thoughts. You can’t remember the last time you were fully present with your thoughts without feeling bored or uncomfortable.

6. You Say Yes to Plans You Don’t Actually Care About

A couple of years ago at my new job, my colleagues asked me if I wanted to play poker with them after work in a bar. I said yes. But I didn’t want to go.

At home, before I left, I had shaking hands because the day before and the day before that, I was also out with other people somewhere. My body sent me obvious signals that it was too much, but I wanted to use every possible opportunity to be with these people I didn’t even care about. I said yes to everyone and everything.

I often had weekends when I wasn’t home for more than a few hours, and then on Monday I went back to the office again. And when I finally spent one evening alone at home, I started numbing myself exactly the way I described in point 3.

If you always say yes to all the invitations you get and you don’t even consider the option of being alone because you don’t have anything you would do on your own anyway, then it might be a strong sign that you’re not happy alone.

How to recognize this sign: Pay attention to how you respond to people. Try to track your behavior. Count how many times you say yes to people and how many times you decide on solitude. Notice if you feel relief or panic when plans get canceled. If canceled plans feel like a gift, you might be overcommitting. If they feel like a disaster, you might be avoiding yourself.

7. You Can’t Be Alone Without Your Phone

This is perhaps the most universal sign of our generation. You wake up and immediately check your phone. You scroll through social media while having breakfast. You check messages every few minutes. You sleep with your phone next to your pillow. You feel anxious when the battery is low. You panic when you forget it at home.

I’m not talking about practical phone use. I’m talking about the compulsive need to always be connected, always be reachable, always be consuming content from other people’s lives. The phone becomes your companion, your safety blanket, your way of never truly being alone.

When I wasn’t happy alone, my phone was my escape route. Uncomfortable silence at dinner? Check Instagram. Sitting alone on public transport? Scroll through anything. Evening at home? Instagram while watching a movie. I was never actually present with myself because I was always virtually with someone else.

The phone gives you the illusion of connection while keeping you from the real work of being comfortable in your own company.

How to recognize this sign: You can’t sit through a meal without checking your phone. You feel anxious when you can’t find it. You check social media even when you have nothing specific to look for. You reach for your phone the moment you feel bored or uncomfortable. You’ve never spent an entire day without your phone, and the thought of doing so makes you nervous.

Before You Do Anything

If you recognized yourself in one or more of these signs, you’re not broken. You’re human. Most people struggle with being alone at some point in their lives. The difference is whether you acknowledge it and work on it or continue avoiding it.

But there’s something I want to make sure you understand very well: You don’t have to be happy alone if you’re fine with not being happy alone.

You don’t have to think you need to change your life just because you found yourself in one of those points above. Some people build their entire lives around constant connection, and if that genuinely works for them, that’s okay.

But if you’re reading this and you feel that uncomfortable recognition in your chest, if you wish you could be happy alone because you’re truly unhappy with your current life, then you can start working on it. The key is that it has to come from your own intrinsic motivation. Not because someone told you that you “should” be more independent. Not because you’re trying to prove something. But because you genuinely want that freedom for yourself.

In my article about how to be happy alone, I share the practices that helped me transform my relationship with solitude. But before you can apply those practices, you need to recognize the patterns that are keeping you stuck.

The journey back home starts with noticing you’ve been running.

And that noticing? That’s what you just did.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

Leave a comment

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There are thousands of articles on the internet about “how to be happy alone.”

Many people have tried to define the blueprint for truly enjoying solitude and give practical tips we can include in our daily lives.

I’ve read many of those pieces because I was also searching for the recipe, the way to become independent and unbeatable.

That was the essence of being happy alone for me: invincibility.

If my girlfriend breaksave and I won’t suffer from loneliness and depression.

Even now, when I think about it, that image still gives me a slight confidence boost, being so independent and bulletproof. And I believe this is what most people are searching for when they Google “how to be happy alone.” We want to avoid being vulnerable when life doesn’t go well.

But here’s what I learned: Being happy alone won’t protect you from negative emotions.

You’ll still be sad when your partner breaks up with you or when your parents die. It doesn’t make your soul bulletproof against all the unchosen pain.

But what it does do is give you the best possible foundation to build the most meaningful relationships in your life.

Here is how this inner state shows itself in your daily life when you achieve it:

• You stop being needy. When you’re at peace with yourself, you naturally draw others who respect your boundaries and share your energy, not those who need to fill your silence.

• You stop feeling miserable when you see a group of happy people on the street, where FOMO used to eat you up from the inside.

• Your weekends alone won’t be a threat anymore, something you just want to leave behind quickly so you can escape from home and go back to the office, where you don’t have to feel the loneliness with that background noise keeping you company.

• When you’re content alone, you stop chasing people, jobs, or situations out of fear. You choose based on what’s right, not what fills a void.

• Your mood no longer depends on others. You become calm, grounded, and resilient, no matter who comes or goes.

• Solitude gives you space to understand what truly motivates you, what drains you, and what kind of life actually makes you fulfilled. This is how I figured out the three core topics I’m focusing on: work, running/fitness, and Substack, with a couple of add-ons like healthy diet, spirituality like meditation, reading, traveling, and friends.

When you’re fine with yourself, spending time alone becomes a privilege.

That’s the time when you let yourself be as you are with all your weird thoughts, ideas, and hobbies. You’re capable of saying (and being fine with it) that you’ll watch all nine Star Wars movies over your weekend or go for a long run because you love to do these things. You stop acting based on what society or anyone expects from you. You stop trying to become something you’re not just to get the approval of others.

My favorite example from my life: In summer, when the weather is nice, people expect you to be outside. This is always the first question on a Monday at work: “Did you enjoy the nice weather over the weekend?” Before I found myself, I would go to the park, even though I didn’t want to, and lie on a blanket checking the time, waiting until I could finally go home. I was performing for society. Today, I close those curtains if I want and I can play PlayStation all day long while everyone else is outside. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice weather, but it doesn’t dictate when I go out or not.

You’ll start saying “no” frequently to other people because you’ll weigh your options, and “yes” won’t be your only attractive decision.

Your dating life will change. From a needy person, you will transform into someone more confident, someone who is fine staying single because it’s not the worst thing that can happen to you. Ending up in a bad relationship is.

The whole state of being happy alone feels like having 100 million dollars in your bank account.

You don’t touch it, but every decision you make is supported by the fact that you’re rich in reality, so you don’t have to pick the first possible option. You’re calm and confident.

It’s the same here, but in this case, you don’t have a lot of money in the bank. You have a high sense of self-worth in your mind and soul. You act without doubt or panic. You choose wisely when it comes to your own time and company.

In my opinion, this is how it feels when you’re happy alone.

The good thing is that we all can achieve this state in our lives. It’s not an overnight process and it’s not easy either. But there is definitely an invisible line on your path where you can turn your entire inner world around, from being scared of loneliness to being happy in solitude.

In the last couple of years, many people have told me that I’m at risk of being alone forever. They say this because I’m not looking for a romantic partner the way I did before. I do want to have a girlfriend and I’m open to getting married, but not at all costs. I’m not scared of the thought of being alone later in my life.

And that gives me a great feeling about my future because I know that if it happens, I’ll probably be lying on a sun bed somewhere in Southern Europe with my dogs around me, reading a good book, eating fish and vegetables, having friends visit me, and going dancing at the local festival.

There are many worse situations I can think of as outcomes of my life.

Hopefully, I’ve given you a good sense of what “being happy alone” means to me.

Now I want to share some insights from research and my own experience on how to actually get there.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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Alone vs. Lonely: Why the Difference Matters

Before we go further, it’s crucial to understand that being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing.

Loneliness is an emotional state, a feeling of being disconnected, unsupported, or isolated. You can feel lonely even in a room full of people. You can feel lonely in a relationship. Loneliness is the gap between the connection you have and the connection you want. It’s painful, and research shows it’s genuinely harmful to our health. Studies have found that persistent loneliness is associated with increased anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and even shorter lifespans.

Solitude, on the other hand, is simply the physical state of being alone. But more than that, it’s chosen alone time. It’s intentional. It’s when you’re not surrounded by others and you’re okay with that, or even better, you prefer it.

The difference is enormous.

When researchers study solitude versus loneliness, they find that people who choose to be alone often experience benefits: increased creativity, better emotional regulation, reduced stress, and deeper self-awareness. Intentional solitude can actually recharge you, help you process emotions, and give you space to hear your own thoughts.

The key word here is choice.

When you choose to be alone because you genuinely want to, because you have things you want to do, think about, or simply enjoy, that is solitude. When you’re alone because you have no other option and you desperately wish someone were there, that’s loneliness.

Learning to be happy alone is about transforming your relationship with solitude. It’s about making alone time feel like freedom instead of punishment. It’s about filling that time with things that are authentically yours instead of just trying to distract yourself until someone rescues you from it. That’s the moment when many bad romantic relationships are born. I know because I was there so many times.

You can be lonely in a crowd. You can be content alone. The difference is all in how you relate to yourself.

Six Practices That Changed Everything

So how do you actually get there? How do you move from fearing loneliness to embracing solitude?

I won’t pretend there’s a magic formula. It’s not having a bath with candles, eating steak and ice cream every day. It has nothing to do with forced, superficial hedonic life. On the contrary, it’s more about getting rid of things, habits, and people.

What worked for me might not work exactly the same way for you.

But here are the practices that fundamentally changed my relationship with being alone:

1. Accepting Myself (With All My Flaws)

This was one of the hardest and most important steps I took.

It is the foundation everything else is built on.

I spent years trying to be someone I thought other people would approve of.

I suppressed interests that seemed “weird.” I shaped my opinions to fit in. I performed a version of myself that I thought would be more likeable.

And you know what? I was never truly happy, not alone and not with others.

Because when you’re constantly performing, you’re never really with yourself. You’re always one step removed, monitoring how you’re coming across, adjusting your behavior based on an invisible audience.

Learning to accept myself meant acknowledging my actual interests, even the ones that didn’t fit the image I wanted to project. It meant admitting my flaws instead of trying to hide them. It meant letting go of the person I thought I shouldbe and getting to know the person I actually am.

I wrote about this process in detail in my articles about self-connection.

It’s deep work. It takes time. But it’s absolutely essential.

Because you can’t enjoy your own company if you’re faking who you are, even when no one else is watching.

2. Removing Social Media (Instagram)

This was another tough one.

Social media, especially Instagram because it is so visual, is designed to make you feel like everyone else is living a better, fuller, more connected life than you are. Every scroll reinforces the idea that you’re missing out, that your life isn’t enough, that being alone means you’re failing somehow. I remember my ex-girlfriend got immediately disappointed about our weekend when she saw her girlfriend’s reels and stories on Instagram.

I wrote an entire article about why I removed the app and how it affected me, but here’s the short version: as long as I constantly compared my quiet Saturday night to someone else’s life snapshots, I couldn’t be happy alone. The comparison was poison.

When I deleted it, something shifted. My alone time stopped feeling like evidence that I was losing at life. It just became my time. Without the constant feed of other people’s highlight reels, I could finally see my own life clearly. And it was actually pretty good.

If you’re struggling to be happy alone while scrolling through Instagram daily, you’re fighting an uphill battle. The app is literally engineered to make you feel inadequate.

Give yourself a fighting chance and take a break from it.

3. Spending Actual Time Alone (A Lot)

This sounds obvious, but hear me out: most people who say they want to be happy alone are actually avoiding being alone.

They fill every silence with podcasts, music, TV shows, or scrolling. They schedule back-to-back plans so they’re never home for more than a few hours. They treat alone time like something to get through as quickly as possible.

But you can’t become comfortable with something you’re constantly running from.

I had to deliberately create space for real solitude. Not just being physically alone while my brain was occupied with noise, but actually being with myself. Sitting in silence. Going for runs without headphones. Yes, I do that sometimes for 3 hours without having any problem with it. Cooking without the TV on. Eating dinner at my own table without my phone.

At first, it was uncomfortable. My mind would race. I’d feel restless. But gradually, I started to hear my own thoughts. I started to notice what I actually wanted to do with my time. I started to enjoy my own company.

You have to spend time with yourself to learn who you are. And you have to know who you are to be happy alone.

4. Being Physically and Mentally Active

When I’m inactive, when I’m just sitting around scrolling or watching TV for hours, I feel terrible. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone or with people. Inactivity makes me feel sluggish, purposeless, and low.

You might not realize the difference because you’ve been inactive for so long that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be full of energy from living an active lifestyle.

Running has become one of my primary ways of being happy alone. It’s my time. It’s when I think, process, and sometimes just exist without thinking at all. I started running seriously a few years ago, and it transformed not just my body but my entire relationship with solitude.

If you’re interested in starting, I wrote a beginner’s guide that covers everything you need to know to kick off.

But it doesn’t have to be running. It can be lifting weights, doing yoga, hiking, or dancing in your living room, anything that gets you moving. Physical activity releases endorphins, yes, but more importantly, it gives you a sense of accomplishment. It proves to yourself that you can do hard things. And that confidence spills over into everything else.

Mental activity matters too.

Reading, writing, learning something new, or working on a project you care about makes alone time feel rich instead of empty. You don’t have to be fully analog. I’ve also subscribed to many good YouTube channels and I try to learn from those selected people, but it happens on purpose and not just as background noise.

When you’re actively engaged in something meaningful, being alone doesn’t feel like absence. It feels like presence.

5. Doing Hard Things

This one surprised me at the beginning.

I used to think happiness came from comfort, ease, and relaxation. The well-known warm bath with candles, steaks, ice cream, and hedonic stuff. But I’ve learned that some of the most satisfying moments of my life came from doing things that were difficult.

Running a marathon. Learning a new skill. Pushing through a challenging project. Having a hard conversation with myself about who I want to be. I remember when I wrote down all my bad behaviors I had in relationships or at work and I got red and nervous saying those things out loud because I felt ashamed, but those things had to come out.

These things don’t make me happy in the moment. They’re uncomfortable, even painful sometimes. But they give me something deeper: satisfaction, contentment, self-respect.

When you do hard things alone, you prove to yourself that you’re capable.

And that knowledge changes everything. You stop seeing yourself as someone who needs to be rescued or entertained. You start seeing yourself as someone who can handle life.

6. Planning Things (Otherwise Nothing Happens)

Here’s an unglamorous truth: if you don’t plan your alone time, you’ll probably waste it.

And I’m going to destroy the romantic illusion of being spontaneous because it’s a myth that if you don’t plan but act spontaneously, you experience more and better things in life than when you plan.

That’s not true.

It’s called survivorship bias. It happens when we only see the “survivors” or successful cases and ignore the failures. This creates a distorted view, making success seem easier or more likely than it really is. We all have that one story when we didn’t plan anything on a Saturday and it turned into one of the best nights of our lives.

Well, how many stories like that do we actually have? I can count them on one hand.

On the other hand, I’ve missed many good concert tickets, movie tickets, cheap flights, great hotels, good spots on the beach, trains, buses, people, and experiences because I didn’t plan.

And I can tell you that with planning, I will always win over spontaneity. Because if you plan, then it will actually happen. It’s not speculation.

If you don’t plan, your life will look like this:

You’ll tell yourself you’re going to do something meaningful, but you’ll end up scrolling for three hours. You’ll think about going for a run, but you’ll stay on the couch. You’ll imagine cooking a nice meal, but you’ll order takeout and eat it while watching Netflix.

I’m not saying you need to schedule every minute. But having some structure helps.

Knowing that Saturday morning is for a long run, Saturday afternoon is for cooking, and Saturday evening is for reading makes alone time feel intentional instead of aimless.

Plan the things that matter to you. Otherwise, the default activities (scrolling, watching, numbing) will fill the space.

You Still Need People (And That’s Okay)

Here’s something I already mentioned above, but it is important and gets overlooked in most articles about being happy alone:

Learning to be happy alone doesn’t mean you don’t want or need connection.

Let me say that again: Being happy alone is not the same as preferring isolation or rejecting relationships.

It means you’re not desperate for connection.

It means you can be alone without falling apart. It means you choose connection from a place of wholeness, not from a place of lack.

This is crucial because some people hear “be happy alone” and think it means becoming a hermit, cutting people off, or convincing yourself you don’t need anyone.

That’s not what this is about.

The strongest, healthiest relationships happen when both people are whole on their own.

When you’re happy alone, you don’t need the other person to complete you or save you from yourself. You choose them because they add something beautiful to an already good life.

In my article about how to find friends in adulthood, I talked about the challenges of building connection as adults. But here’s the connection between that piece and this one: You can pursue friendship from a place of abundance, not desperation.

When you’re comfortable alone, you’re not clinging to every potential friendship out of fear. You’re not staying in bad relationships because you can’t handle being single. You’re not saying yes to plans you don’t want just to avoid an empty weekend.

You’re free to choose wisely.

And paradoxically, that makes you better at relationships. Because you’re showing up as your real self, not a desperate version of yourself trying to avoid loneliness.

Being happy alone doesn’t make you anti-social. It makes you selectively social. And that’s a good thing.

What Freedom Actually Feels Like

Being happy alone is one of the most liberating skills you can develop.

It’s not about isolation.

It’s not about convincing yourself you don’t need people.

It’s about self-sufficiency, about knowing that you can be okay, that you can even thrive, regardless of your circumstances.

When you’re comfortable alone, you’re free to choose your company wisely. You’re free to say no to relationships that don’t serve you. You’re free to spend your time the way you actually want to spend it, not the way you think you’re supposed to.

This is learnable. This is achievable.

You’re not broken if you’re not there yet. I wasn’t there for 35 years. And some days, I still struggle with it. But the direction matters more than the destination.

Start small. Spend an hour alone without distraction. Notice what comes up. Work on accepting yourself a little more each day. Remove the things (like social media) that make you feel inadequate. Add the things (like movement, meaningful projects) that make you feel alive.

The goal isn’t to never need anyone. The goal is to be okay with yourself so that when you do connect with others, you’re doing it from strength, not from desperation.

That’s freedom.

And it’s worth every uncomfortable step it takes to get there.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

Leave a comment

Reference

Nguyen, T., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2018). “Solitude as an Approach to Affective Self-Regulation.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(1), 92-106. [This study found that when people actively choose to be alone, solitude leads to relaxation and reduced stress, but when solitude is forced, those benefits disappear]

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Do you remember how you found friends as a teenager or at university?

Because I don’t. I didn’t look for friends.

Sometimes I woke up in my shared apartment and there were ten people in the kitchen, half of them strangers. I wanted to make coffee, but someone had already made one for me, so I lit a cigarette and got to know five new people before I even got dressed. At university, I attended various seminars where I mixed with different people almost every week. Standing outside the classroom and deciding not to go to the seminar, deciding instead to go get a drink with someone, wasn’t uncommon.

We had all the time in the world.

I didn’t need a strategy to find new friends because I spent my days with many different people. Not all of them became my friends, but the probability of finding the right ones was extremely high, like a lion that doesn’t need to learn how to hunt when prey is abundant.

Then we graduated and started thinking about other things besides spending the whole day together, drinking, and partying.

All the fun things were replaced by responsibilities, goals, work, and plans. Friends moved to other cities or countries to pursue their own lives.

At my first job, my colleagues and I tried to live the same life we had in college, but that wasn’t sustainable.

The evenings we spent together became shorter. A meeting at nine the next morning would send us home after one beer.

“I have to get up early tomorrow, so I have to go home.”

This sentence became the standard way to call it a day. I also got more tired because working full time is something different from attending a couple of seminars at university.

So I started seeing people less and less. I realized I needed to pay more attention to my body, so I replaced “hanging out” time with gym sessions, jogging, and cooking. Other people replaced me with quality time with partners, visiting parents, or decorating their new apartments. Road trips together were replaced by resort vacations on an island with romantic partners.

The time I spent with people kept shrinking.

Everyone became extremely busy.

Full weekend get-togethers turned into one-hour coffee meetings, just a quick update on how we were doing, then back home because tomorrow was work.

I don’t blame anyone.

I also started to focus on my own dreams and decided against going out every weekend like I used to.

Still, there’s a need for good company, but this need has changed over the years.

At college, I wasn’t choosy at all. Hanging out with people who wanted to party and have a good time was easy.

Everyone wanted the same thing.

In adulthood, we know much more about what we want. People have specific hobbies and varied interests, and it’s rarely about just drinking and partying anymore.

We have higher standards, and finding those like-minded soulmates became difficult. The old way, having no strategy to find new friends, won’t really work in adulthood. But the good thing is that we’re not completely helpless.

There are ways that can help us meet those soulmates in adulthood as well, but we need to do a bit more than we did in our younger years.

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What Changed (And Why)

Before we get into the strategies, it’s important to understand why making new friends is so difficult when you’re an adult.

The Great Scattering

When you finish school or university, everyone disperses. People chase jobs in different cities, move countries for opportunities, or return to their hometowns. The tight-knit bubble you lived in for years, where everyone was within walking distance, suddenly explodes. Your social circle, which once felt permanent, scatters across the map.

This isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just what happens. But it fundamentally changes the conditions for friendship.

The Loss of Natural Structures

Think about how friendships formed when you were younger. You didn’t have to try. You sat next to the same people in class every day. You lived in the same dorm. You saw each other at the cafeteria, at parties, in the library. You had built-in proximity, repeated unplanned interactions that happened naturally.

As adults, these structures disappear. You work in an office (or remotely from home). You commute alone. You run errands alone. The natural containers that once held your social life, classrooms, dorms, daily hangouts, are gone. And without them, friendships don’t just happen anymore.

Social psychologists have studied this for decades. They call it the “proximity principle,” people who are physically close to each other and interact regularly are far more likely to develop friendships.

In childhood and college, this was automatic. In adulthood, it requires intention.

The Time Factor

Here’s something that surprised me when I first learned it: it takes about 50 hours of time together to move from acquaintance to casual friend. It takes around 90 hours to become friends. And it takes over 200 hours to develop a close friendship.

Let that sink in. Two hundred hours.

When you’re in college, spending 200 hours with someone happens almost by accident. You take the same classes, you study together, you hang out on weekends, you grab meals together. The hours accumulate quickly.

But as an adult? When you’re working full time, managing a household, trying to exercise, maybe raising kids or caring for aging parents, finding 200 hours to spend with someone new feels nearly impossible.

A one-hour coffee date once a month means it would take over 16 years to reach that threshold. No wonder adult friendships feel so hard to build.

The research is clear: time is the most important factor in friendship formation. And time is exactly what adults don’t have.

Competing Responsibilities

Work demands more from you than university ever did. Romantic relationships take energy. If you have kids, they consume entire evenings and weekends. Aging parents may need your support. Your body requires more care, gym time, meal prep, actual sleep instead of pulling all-nighters.

All of these are important. All of these are worth doing. But they leave less room for the leisurely, spontaneous socializing that once defined your life.

And here’s the thing: everyone else is dealing with the same squeeze. So even when you do have free time, coordinating schedules becomes a logistical nightmare. The friend you want to see is traveling for work. Another is dealing with a family emergency. Someone else just had a baby and hasn’t slept in three weeks.

It’s exhausting. And it makes friendship feel like just another task on an already overwhelming to-do list.

The Three Missing Pillars

Motivational speaker Mel Robbins talks about three essential conditions for friendship: proximity, timing, and energy.

Proximity is about physical closeness, how often you actually see someone face to face.

Timing refers to being in similar life stages. When you and your friends are all navigating the same challenges, graduating, starting careers, getting married, raising kids, you share a living thread of experience that makes connection almost effortless.

Energy is harder to define, but you know it when you feel it. It’s chemistry. It’s whether you click with someone, whether conversations flow naturally, whether you actually like how they move through the world.

In childhood and college, all three pillars were usually present. In adulthood, they rarely align. Your closest friends might live across the country (no proximity). They might be married with three kids while you’re single and traveling (different timing). Or you might meet someone at the right time and place, but the energy just isn’t there.

When even one of these pillars is missing, friendship becomes much harder. When all three are missing, it can feel impossible.

Here’s the key message: It’s not you. It’s structural. This is completely normal.

You’re not broken. You haven’t “lost your touch” with people. The conditions that once made friendship easy have simply changed. And once you understand that, you can stop blaming yourself and start working with the reality in front of you.

How to Rebuild the Conditions for Friendship

Now that we understand why adult friendships are hard, let’s talk about what actually works. The ingredients for making new friends are the same as they’ve always been: proximity, recurring exposure (time), and depth (energy). The difference is that now, as adults, we have to create these conditions intentionally instead of having them handed to us.

Show Up Consistently

The single most important thing you can do is put yourself in situations where you see the same people regularly. This isn’t about networking events or one-off meetups. It’s about finding activities you genuinely enjoy and committing to them week after week.

Join a running club. Take a weekly yoga class. Volunteer at the same organization every month. Sign up for a book club, a language exchange, a pottery workshop. The specific activity matters less than the consistency.

Why? Because familiarity builds connection. Psychologists call this the “mere exposure effect,” the more we see someone, the more we tend to like them. The first time you see someone at a running club, they’re a stranger. The third time, you recognize each other. By the tenth time, you’re chatting before the run starts. By the twentieth, you might suggest grabbing coffee afterward.

Consistency matters more than intensity. You don’t need to spend eight hours with someone once. You need to spend one hour with them eight times. The repetition is what creates the foundation for friendship.

Quick note: Having the same interests, like running, yoga, or playing video games, is not a guarantee of being soulmates. These activities only give you a platform for recurring exposure to each other.

Be the Initiator

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: most people are waiting for someone else to reach out. Everyone wants connection, but no one wants to risk rejection by being the one who suggests plans.

Be the person who takes the risk.

After a good conversation with someone at your running club, say, “Hey, would you want to grab coffee next week?” When you meet someone interesting at a work event, follow up with a specific invitation: “I’m going to that new exhibit on Saturday, want to join?”

Yes, some people will say no. That’s okay. They might be genuinely busy. They might not be looking for new friends right now. It’s not personal.

But many people will say yes. And you’ll never know unless you ask.

The worst that happens is a polite decline. The best that happens is you find a new friend. Take the chance.

Invest the Time

Remember those numbers? Fifty hours for a casual friend. Two hundred hours for a close friend.

There’s no way around it. You have to invest the time.

This doesn’t mean you need to dedicate your entire life to one person. It means being intentional about spending time with people you want to grow closer to. Say yes to invitations. Invite them to things you’re already doing. Suggest a monthly dinner or a weekly walk.

And here’s an important detail: time spent working together doesn’t count nearly as much. The research shows that hours logged at the office or on work projects don’t build friendships the same way that leisure time does. You need time where you can actually relax, let your guard down, and have real conversations.

This is why activities like grabbing a beer, going for a hike, cooking dinner together, or just hanging out and talking are so valuable. They create space for the kind of connection that builds friendship.

Look for Repeated Touchpoints

One-off hangouts are nice, but they don’t build friendships. What works is creating a regular rhythm.

Weekly runs with the same group. Monthly game nights. A standing coffee date every other Friday. Book club on the first Tuesday of the month.

These repeated touchpoints do two things.

First, they remove the friction of constantly planning. YYou don’t have to coordinate schedules every time, you already know when you’ll see each other.

Second, they build anticipation and continuity. Your friendship isn’t dependent on remembering to text, it has its own momentum.

Find or create these rhythms wherever you can. They’re the adult equivalent of seeing someone in class every day.

Not Everyone Needs to Be Your Best Friend

In my opinion, adjusting your expectations is an essential part of making new friends. Many people go out with a black-and-white mindset: if somebody doesn’t invite them immediately to the next barbecue party and doesn’t share their deepest personal secrets, they’re disappointed and stop investing in the relationship.

Quick note: Here comes one of my favorite rules of life, the expectation fallacy. It means that everything in life will take longer than you expect. It applies to making new friends as well. Keep it in mind.

But there’s one more thing about expectation adjustment, and it’s this:

Not every person you meet and connect with will become your friend.

This was a crucial learning in my life because it helped me adjust my behavior toward people I regularly meet. For example, people in my gym. I see them regularly, and we say hello, ask about our weeks and how we’re doing, but then that’s it. Just because we’re in the same gym and share the same interest doesn’t mean we have to be friends.

After I understood this, I was much more relaxed in these short small-talk situations. I learned how to exit the conversation naturally: “I’m happy to hear that you had a great week. Enjoy your workout! See you!” , and that’s it.

But don’t get me wrong.

These connections are not less valuable just because we don’t share our deepest thoughts. These are acquaintances. And I welcome them very much because I always have people around me in the gym I can talk to, but I don’t have to. Of course, there’s always a chance that one of these connections will naturally deepen over time, but you don’t have to push it if it doesn’t feel authentic.

Until then, accept them as an enrichment to your life.

These lighter connections, what researchers sometimes call “weak ties,” actually matter more than you might think. They reduce loneliness, make daily life more pleasant, and create a sense of community even without deep intimacy. Not everyone needs to be your best friend. Some people are just friendly faces in your life, and that’s perfectly okay.

The Marathon, Not the Sprint

Making friends in adulthood is hard. It takes more effort, more intention, and more time than it did when you were younger. The structures that once made friendship easy, proximity, unplanned interactions, shared life stages, are gone.

But you’re not helpless.

You can create the conditions for friendship. You can show up consistently. You can be the one who initiates. You can invest the time. You can adjust your expectations and appreciate the different kinds of connections that enrich your life.

It won’t happen overnight.

Remember the expectation fallacy, it will take longer than you think. But if you keep showing up, keep reaching out, and keep investing in the people who feel right, you’ll find your people.

The journey back to yourself and to real connection is a marathon, not a sprint. And like any marathon, it requires showing up, mile after mile, even when it’s hard.

The friends you make in adulthood might not form as quickly as they did in college. But they’ll be built on intention, shared values, and genuine effort.

And that makes them worth every hour.

Until you make some new friends, you should also focus on another important aspect of life: learning to be happy alone.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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References

Hall, J. A. (2019). “How many hours does it take to make a friend?” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. [The foundational study on the 50/90/200 hour finding]

Dunbar, R. I. M. (2025). “Why friendship and loneliness affect our health.” Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences. [On the health impacts of friendship and loneliness]

Pezirkianidis, C., et al. (2023). “Adult friendship and wellbeing: A systematic review.” Frontiers in Psychology. [Shows friendship quality predicts wellbeing]

Robbins, M. (2025). The Let Them Theory. [The “three pillars” framework I reference]

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