Do you remember what you did yesterday and why?

And what did you do today?

And why?

Surprisingly, a lot of people struggle to answer these questions, especially the why part.

I remember three years ago when I wanted to buy a Christmas tree only for myself, but I stopped before I could leave my apartment because a question came into my mind:

Why am I doing this at all?

The only thing I could tell myself was: because I’ve always done it.

I spent money every year on a Christmas tree just to have it for two weeks in my apartment and throw it out after the short holiday season.

After I realized that, I asked myself whether I really needed it.

Funnily, the answer was a straightforward no.

This wasn’t the first moment in my life that I questioned recurring things, and the more I realized how powerful the question actually was, the more I adapted this new way of being: living deliberately.

It feels like taking over the wheel on a road where I was only a passenger before. The car had been operating in autopilot mode. Now I’m able to push the brake, slow down, look at the map, and ask myself where I actually want to go.

It’s freedom.

Over the years, I developed the habit of awareness, which helps me not to slip back into the passenger seat.

Most of the things I do today have their purpose in my life. Either they carry me toward my goals or give me space and time to rest or entertain myself.

And I can tell that this way of living highly contributes to the fact that I feel really happy, well-balanced, and content with everything I do.

Now, having this experience, I want to help you wake up and gain control over your life - control that you might never have had, or that you lost by falling into sleepwalking without even noticing it.

You might feel frustrated, weak, bored, angry, or exhausted without knowing what the reason could be.

If you’re interested, stay with me through the following sections. I’m going to give you a simple framework for how to start living deliberately and free so you can be the leader of your own life again.

Understanding Autopilot: Your Brain's Default Mode

Autopilot is when your behavior runs automatically based on habits, routines, or learned patterns.

It’s like the brain executing a stored program that we or somebody else installed.

There’s no active decision or evaluation about whether the program is needed or useful, but it still gets executed on a regular basis.

For example, when you wake up and reach for your phone as your first move in the morning, or when you make coffee.

You don’t think about these things before you do them.

Autopilot is actually a helpful feature of the brain. It frees up mental energy for other things, and you don’t need to think about what you should do next because the brain simply runs the familiar program again and again.

It helps to avoid decision fatigue and also helps us become better at things we’re learning.

The Problem: When Autopilot Controls Your Life

The problem is that this state of mind reduces our awareness.

If we’re not aware of our actions, we don’t question them either.

We simply do them.

For example, if you’ve been driving the same route to a destination for a long time, you’ll probably never ask whether there’s a better way to get there.

Or even why you’re driving there at all.

That’s the most interesting part of autopilot mode.

Not the feature itself, but what program has been put into it and by whom.

Some of these programs are installed slowly by our environment.

Parents, teachers, friends, partners, or social media.

Habits we picked up from other people, or routines we never consciously questioned, can quietly turn into default behavior. Over time they become so familiar that we execute them without noticing.

This can turn into a problem because we’re running habits on autopilot that might work against our goals, happiness, physical and mental health.

For example, when you’re a smoker just because your parents were smokers too.

Or you picked up the social drinking habit after work, but you don’t even know why you’re drinking and suffer from the consequences.

Other programs, however, can be installed intentionally.

Someone might decide to read every morning, go for a short walk after work, or spend a few minutes reflecting at the end of the day.

At first these actions require effort, but after a while they become automatic as well.

In both cases, the same mechanism is at work. The brain simply runs the program it has learned.

The difference is not autopilot itself.

The difference is who wrote the program.

And that raises an important question:

If autopilot quietly runs so much of our daily life, how can we tell when it’s taking over in a way that no longer serves us?

There are several small signals that suggest someone might be living mostly on unconscious autopilot.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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10 Signs You're Living on Autopilot

1. Every Day Feels Exactly the Same

If you look back at the last week and can’t remember anything specific that stood out, life may be running on autopilot.

This happens because routines repeat without reflection. The brain simply executes the same schedule every day without questioning it.

The problem is that when days blend together, time starts to feel like it’s passing very quickly.

Example: You wake up, go to work, come home, watch something, sleep, and repeat the same pattern every day. Months later you feel like the year disappeared but nothing happened.

2. Reaching for the Phone Without Thinking

One of the most common modern autopilot habits is grabbing the phone immediately after waking up or whenever there’s a moment of boredom.

This is autopilot because the action happens before any conscious thought. The habit is triggered automatically without looking for anything specific.

The problem is that it allows external input to control the start of the day.

Example: Someone is waiting in line at a store or sitting on the train for a few minutes. Instead of simply observing their surroundings or letting their mind rest, their hand immediately reaches for the phone. They unlock it, open social media, and start scrolling without even thinking about why they picked it up in the first place.

3. Saying Yes to Things Automatically

People on autopilot often accept invitations, responsibilities, or requests without asking themselves if they actually want them.

The response becomes a default reaction.

The danger is that life slowly fills with obligations that were never consciously chosen.

Example: I was one of those people who always said yes to everyone. Party? Yes. Poker? Yes. Day-drinking? Yes. Then I ended up with exhaustion and shaking hands because I didn’t choose how to spend my time - other people chose for me.

4. Complaining About the Same Problems for Years

When you keep repeating the same complaints but never take action, it often means you’re stuck in an autopilot pattern.

Your mind keeps replaying the same story instead of looking for change.

Example: A person complains about their job every week but never explores other options or develops new skills.

5. Living According to Other People’s Expectations

Autopilot can also come from social pressure.

Instead of asking what they truly want, someone simply follows the path that seems expected by family, culture, or society.

Example: Choosing a career, lifestyle, or goals mainly because it’s considered the “normal” path. The problem is that years later the person may realize they built a life that doesn’t actually feel like their own.

6. Avoiding Quiet Moments

People who live on autopilot often keep themselves constantly distracted.

Silence creates space for reflection, and reflection can challenge existing routines.

Example: Whenever there’s a free moment, someone immediately opens social media, plays a video, or fills the silence with noise. Without quiet moments, it becomes difficult to notice whether life is moving in the right direction.

7. Acting from Habits Instead of Values

Autopilot behavior usually comes from habits that were formed long ago.

The person may no longer ask whether those habits still match their current values.

Example: Someone continues spending evenings the same way they did ten years ago, even though their goals and priorities have changed.

8. Never Trying Anything New

Autopilot keeps people inside familiar routines.

Trying new experiences requires awareness and a conscious decision.

Example: Going to the same places, eating the same food, watching the same types of content, and never experimenting with something different. Over time this can lead to a feeling of stagnation.

9. Feeling Busy but Not Progressing

Many people on autopilot are actually very busy.

However, their actions aren’t connected to a clear direction.

Example: A person spends the entire day responding to emails, notifications, and small tasks but never works on things that truly move their life forward. The activity feels productive but doesn’t create meaningful progress.

10. Never Asking the Bigger Questions

The clearest sign of autopilot is when someone rarely stops to ask fundamental questions about their life.

Questions like:

Why am I doing this?

Is this the direction I want?

What would I change if I started again?

Example: Someone keeps following the same path for years simply because they started it earlier. Without reflection, autopilot can keep a person moving in a direction they never consciously chose.

How to Take Control of Your Autopilot

Once you decide to review your life and the habits that are running on autopilot, you have already taken the first step in the right direction.

It means you are aware of the existence of this feature. And believe me, many people spend their whole lives without even noticing that their entire life runs on autopilot with the wrong software.

But now you can go further than that and start designing your own life the way you want from scratch by following a few basic steps.

Daily Self-Checks: The 5-Minute Habit That Changed My Life

This very simple, almost laughable daily habit changed my life.

And I’m not exaggerating.

I usually start my day with a coffee (which I drink intentionally), and then before I do anything else, I sit down awkwardly at the kitchen table and ask myself loudly:

What’s the plan for today?

It takes only a few minutes to think through and adjust if necessary.

The goal is that everything I do, I do with intention.

I work because I need money to pay the rent, to invest, and to build my side projects.

I exercise because I pay attention to my health.

I read every day, at least one page of my book, because reading is important to me.

I also doomscroll, but with intention. I know that it helps me distance myself from work, so I don’t remove it completely from my life, but I do it with intention within a time frame (20 minutes).

I stretch in the evening because I want to stay flexible, it helps prevent injuries, and I sleep better.

Everything on the list is chosen by me. All the activities support at least one of the most important areas in my life that I want to pay the most attention to.

At the end of the day, I do the same review but in a more reflective way.

I ask myself loudly, usually at the kitchen table again:

How was my day?

I go through, one by one, all the things I’ve accomplished or spent my time with and think about whether I could do something differently the next day.

For example, when I realize that I was emotionally involved at work too much and that made me feel annoyed or angry, then I think about the strategy for how to approach the next day if it happens again.

When I feel too exhausted after my training, then I ask myself if I should do a bit less the next day so I can avoid being too tired again.

Think about this like a conversation with your best friend. In this case, you’re both, and the friend has the intention to support you as well as possible. It might feel weird at the beginning and it requires a bit more effort, but after a while this habit will end up in your autopilot mode, and that’s exactly what you want.

The Habit Audit: Aligning Your Actions with Your Goals

The daily checking is great to review your days and bring more awareness into them, but you can go one step further by auditing your habits.

This exercise requires more time and thinking because you not only need to review your habits but also your goals. The habits carry you toward your goals if you put the right habits into autopilot mode.

Ask yourself: What do you want to achieve? What are your goals?

Write them down and write your daily habits next to them without judging them.

This makes mismatches and contradictions visible.

For example, if you say that you want to have a six-pack but you start the day with a Frappuccino and a doughnut, then it won’t work out easily.

Or maybe you want to have a wonderful romantic relationship, but you’re chasing one-night stands every weekend in cheap clubs, you’re broke, and you can’t even say what you’re interested in except partying. (And yes, that is also a habit even if it doesn’t look like it.)

Ask yourself loudly:

Why are you doing these habits?

What purpose do they serve?

If your answer is “I don’t know,” then it can be a sign of an installed program by somebody else.

Once you’ve figured out what you want, then you can think about the habits that bring you toward your goals and put them into your autopilot program.

These changes will make you really content with your own life because you'll know what and why things are happening and who's in charge of those habits: YOU.

Track Your Energy: Finding the Habits That Drain You

If you always feel tired, then there’s probably a reason for that. Many people have poor sleep habits and they truly believe that sleeping 6 hours and drinking 10 coffees in the office just to survive the day is normal.

It’s not normal.

Normal is that you wake up in the morning well-rested and ready for the day.

Tracking your energy level is a great indicator to find blind spots regarding your habits in autopilot mode.

You can ask yourself the following questions while sitting down and being completely honest with yourself:

In the morning: How do I feel? How much energy do I have? Do I need the coffee because otherwise I would fall asleep, or do I just like how it tastes?

After work: How do I feel? Did the day drain my energy, or do I feel alright? Did I have fun, or did I just do the regular chore I hate?

After social events: How do I feel? Do I need a weekend alone after I spent an evening out, or do I feel energized by that?

Every single answer will help you understand your life better and identify if there’s something in your autopilot mode that shouldn’t be there because it doesn’t serve you but drains you.

Do Hard Things: Building Awareness Through Discomfort

This is something you read everywhere nowadays, especially where people talk about self-help a lot. Michael Easter wrote a book called The Comfort Crisis. Andrew Huberman talks on his podcast Huberman Lab about how doing hard things regularly grows the part of your brain called the anterior mid-cingulate cortex, and it helps you deal with future challenges more easily.

There are plenty of arguments for doing hard things regularly, and there’s another one that’s relevant if you want to adjust your autopilot.

Doing hard things increases awareness drastically. When I run my interval sprints, I’m so deeply present in the moment that I exclude everything else from my consciousness.

These difficult tasks remind you that you can influence your life through effort. When you push through a hard workout, learn a difficult skill, or finish challenging work, you experience direct proof that your actions matter.

This shifts the mindset from passive to active.

Easy routines fade into the background of memory.

Hard experiences stand out.

The hard trainings, the marathon, the article I wrote, the yoga session that really challenged me are the things I won’t forget easily.

Your Life, Your Programs

Living on autopilot isn’t inherently bad. The brain uses it to save energy and make life easier.

But when autopilot runs programs you never chose, or programs that no longer serve you, it becomes a problem.

You’ll be frustrated and unsatisfied with your own life without knowing the reason for that.

The difference between sleepwalking through life and living deliberately is awareness.

Awareness that you’re on autopilot.

Awareness of who installed the programs.

Awareness of whether those programs still work for you.

Once you have that awareness, you can make a choice.

You can keep the helpful programs and delete the harmful ones. You can install new programs that carry you toward your actual goals.

You can take control.

The exercises in this article - daily self-checks, habit audits, energy tracking, doing hard things - are tools to build that awareness.

They won’t work overnight. I’ve been practicing them for three years, and I still catch myself slipping back into autopilot sometimes.

But the difference is, now I notice. And when I notice, I can choose.

That’s freedom.

Not living perfectly. Not never making mistakes. But having the awareness to see what’s happening and the power to change it.

So start small. Pick one exercise. Try it for a week.

Ask yourself the questions. Notice the patterns. See what’s running in the background.

Then decide: Is this the program I want?

If the answer is yes, keep it.

If the answer is no, rewrite it.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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People who are into self-improvement have probably read the story of the Mexican fisherman, but if you haven’t, here it is:

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “only a little while.” The American then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.”

“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”

“Millions. Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Author Unknown

This story tells an unteachable lesson about life that the fisherman already knew but the businessman needed to learn his own way. Sometimes what we’re seeking is something we already possess, but we have to learn how to see it while taking our own, sometimes difficult journey.

I collected 15 other unteachable lessons about life that I wanted to share. You can reflect on them and embrace them earlier in your own life.

1. Money Does Not Create Happiness

People without money believe it will fix everything. People who make a lot of money realize it only removes some problems and creates new ones.

This is common wisdom. Everyone knows it. Still, most people seek money even when they already have enough, hoping that more money in the bank will make them happier.

But the truth is, if you’re not happy with less money, you won’t be happier with a lot of money either.

It’s important to note that money can solve problems, and those problems can make you unhappy. That’s true. But buying cars, designer clothes, or eating in the most expensive restaurants won’t increase your happiness baseline ever.

2. No One Is Coming to Save You

Another common wisdom from the self-help world. What does this say? Advice helps, support helps, but responsibility is yours. This usually hits after waiting too long for change.

I fell into this trap too many times.

I hoped that a relationship would help me deal with my own demons.

I hoped that somebody would call me and give me the job I really wanted.

I hoped that somebody would solve my problems.

The truth is, if I don’t get up and do something about these things, nothing will happen.

It can be really hard, especially when you hit rock bottom, to stand up again. But if you don’t do it, you can’t expect improvement either.

Taking responsibility is one of the most important characteristics of being a mature adult. Start today with it. Try not to learn it the way I learned it.

3. Trying Harder Is Not Always the Answer

Sometimes the problem is not effort but direction. You learn this after burning out.

If you become the unstoppable force and push against the unmovable object, at some point you’ll give up and you’ll have wasted all your valuable energy on the wrong thing.

I tried too hard to convince women to love me. I tried too hard to get a raise while working more and more. Then I didn’t understand why the other guy got the promotion even though he worked less but smarter.

It’s always important to question the direction and intensity of your effort. Sometimes you just need to pivot a little bit or even do less to get the same or better results.

Don’t try too hard.

4. Being Liked Is Expensive

People pleasing costs energy, authenticity, and self-respect. Most people learn this only after exhaustion.

This unteachable lesson describes my 20s completely. I wanted to fit into the community around me so badly that I said yes to everyone. I helped people move. I said yes to every drink. I played the clown so they’d like me a bit more.

These behaviors ended up in shaking hands, panic attacks, and the realization that people didn’t like me at all but my performances and service.

Not a great way to learn this. Fortunately, today I don’t want to be liked anymore. And funnily, more people like me now than when I tried so badly.

5. Comfort Slowly Kills Ambition

Nothing dramatic happens. You just wake up years later wondering where your drive went.

I know a lot of people who started to settle around 40. They don’t exercise anymore and are never cold. The fridge is always full, and cuddling on the couch became the symbol of well-being.

On the other hand, they complain. No energy. Back pain. Fear of change. Belly fat. Bad sleep. Feeling sluggish all the time.

They think it’s aging, but it’s lifestyle.

Comfort doesn’t only kill your ambition. It kills you literally, way earlier than you want.

Having goals, being active, doing hard stuff regularly are key elements of a longer life while feeling alive.

6. You Cannot Change People

You can explain, help, and push, but people only change when they want to.

This is learned through frustration.

And how frustrated I was when I wanted my girlfriends to be different human beings than what they were.

I forced people to do things

I wanted them to do.

To behave differently.

Be more like me.

It never worked.

People got frustrated because I pushed, and I got frustrated because it didn’t work.

A lose-lose situation that led to bad endings of relationships.

The same applied to my parents. I spent years trying to fix them. Sending them articles about alcoholism. Offering to pay for therapy. Explaining how their behavior affected me.

Nothing changed. Not because they didn’t understand.

Because they didn’t want to change.

7. Time Is More Valuable Than Money

You only understand this when time starts to feel limited.

The realization comes at the same time as the problem with too much comfort.

The perception of time changes drastically around 40.

In our 20s, we feel like we have all the time in the world, and we waste it recklessly while dreaming about a lot of money.

Then we age, and the view of our life gets different.

Around 40, we realize we’ve passed halftime.

Free weekends or free days become more valuable. Money is still nice, but I wouldn’t exchange two weeks of vacation for a Gucci sweater.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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8. Freedom Matters More Than Status

Titles, recognition, and admiration feel good briefly. Freedom feels good every day.

At work, sometimes I check my boss’s calendar. He has around 20 minutes of “free” time besides his lunch break, and he works on weekends as well.

He has a great salary, but honestly, I wouldn’t do his job for a second.

Knowing every day that I can close my laptop and go to the gym is extremely valuable to me. Being able to work from anywhere, not being disturbed on my vacation, are much more important than any level of status.

9. Avoiding Pain Creates More Pain

Distraction works short term. Long term, everything comes back stronger.

I spent years avoiding my childhood pain. I drank. I smoked. I worked constantly. I dated four times a week.

But the pain didn’t disappear. It accumulated. It grew.

When I finally stopped running and faced it in therapy, it was much harder than if I’d dealt with it earlier. The years of avoidance just made the reckoning more brutal.

The thing you’re avoiding today will still be there tomorrow. Except tomorrow it will be bigger, and you’ll be more tired.

10. Consistency Beats Intensity

Most people learn this after failing with motivation-based bursts of effort.

I used to go hard at the gym for three weeks, then quit for six months. I’d write five articles in a week, then nothing for two months. I’d save aggressively for a month, then spend it all.

Nothing stuck. Nothing grew.

Now I run five times a week. Not because I’m motivated. Because it’s Tuesday, and I run on Tuesdays. I write every week. Not when inspiration strikes. Every week.

The intensity of a single session doesn’t matter. The boring repetition over years creates everything.

11. Loneliness and Being Alone Are Not the Same

You can feel lonely in a relationship and peaceful alone. This usually comes after heartbreak.

I felt lonelier in some of my relationships than I ever felt living alone.

Sitting next to someone who doesn’t understand you is worse than sitting alone understanding yourself.

Being alone is a state.

Loneliness is a feeling.

You can be alone without being lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel completely isolated.

I’m alone most of the time now. I’m rarely lonely.

12. Your Body Keeps the Score

You can ignore sleep, stress, and health for years. Eventually, the bill arrives.

I ignored everything in my 20s. Two cans of energy drinks for breakfast. Four cigarettes. Pizza for lunch. Alcohol every night. No exercise. No sleep.

I thought I was invincible.

At 35, the bill arrived. Panic attacks. Hair loss. Dry skin. Constant fatigue. My body had been keeping score the whole time, and I hadn’t been paying attention.

Now I sleep 8 hours. I exercise. I don’t drink. I eat well. Not because I’m disciplined. Because I learned what happens when you don’t.

Your body will forgive you for a while. Then it stops forgiving.

13. Most Fears Never Happen

But the fear still steals years of life before you realize that.

I was terrified of going no contact with my parents. I thought I’d regret it. I thought I’d feel guilty forever. I thought something terrible would happen.

None of it happened. I felt relief. I felt free. Nothing terrible occurred.

I wasted years afraid of a consequence that never came.

Most of what you’re afraid of is fiction. But the time you spend afraid is real.

14. Not Choosing Is Also a Choice

Staying stuck feels safe until you realize time moved on without you.

I stayed in wrong relationships because I was afraid to choose to leave. I stayed in wrong jobs because I was afraid to choose to quit. I stayed in wrong cities because I was afraid to choose to move.

I thought not choosing was neutral. It’s not. Not choosing is choosing the default. And the default is usually whatever you already have.

Time doesn’t wait for you to feel ready.

It moves.

And if you don’t choose, life chooses for you.

15. Self-Respect Is Built, Not Given

No amount of validation replaces living in alignment with yourself.

I chased validation for years. From women. From employers. From friends. From my parents.

It never worked. Even when I got it, it didn’t fill anything.

Self-respect only came when I started living according to my own values, not other people’s expectations. When I quit drinking even though my friends thought I was boring. When I went no contact even though society said I owed my parents. When I chose my life over approval.

You can’t earn self-respect through other people’s opinions.

You build it through your own actions.

The Thing About Unteachable Lessons

I wish I’d believed these things when people first told me.

I would have saved years.

But that’s not how it works.

Some lessons require living.

The pain teaches what words cannot.

The time wasted teaches what urgency cannot.

The mistakes teach what advice cannot.

You’re probably reading this and nodding at some, skeptical of others.

That’s normal.

I did the same thing at 25.

The ones you resist the most are usually the ones you need to learn.

I can’t teach you these. But maybe I can save you a few years of finding out.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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A recruiter contacted me last week about a role at a tech startup. I opened the email, scanned the first paragraph, and saw two words: “fast-paced environment.”

I deleted it immediately.

At 25, I would have responded within an hour, excited about the opportunity.

At 38, I knew within 30 seconds it wasn’t for me. Wrong culture. Wrong pace. Wrong life.

I know exactly what I want now.

And that’s becoming a problem.

Open to Everything, Wanted Nothing

In my 20s, I didn’t know what I wanted.

At that age, that’s usually normal.

There were only a few people around who knew what they wanted at that young age. They studied medicine or architecture to follow their parents, or they always dreamed about a specific professional path like saving the world as a scientist. They had strong opinions about life, politics, and social problems.

But the majority of people were more like me. I had no clue what I wanted. Not only professionally but in general in my life. I didn’t have my own opinions. I ordered the same drinks and food that other people ordered and just followed the crowd.

Most of the time, I sat at the table with others and listened without forming my own opinion.

I nodded frequently. When people asked me, I agreed with someone at the table because that was an easy way out.

I wasn’t selective at all and said yes to almost everything because I didn’t have any preferences. House party, rave party, day drinking, road trip, vodka, whiskey, soda, steak, burger, sushi.

Yes, yes, and yes.

I was open to everything. But I wanted nothing specific.

That openness felt like freedom, but it was actually confusion.

I wasted time on things that didn’t matter because I couldn’t tell what mattered. Time wasn’t as precious a resource as it is in adult life, so wasted time on poor choices didn’t seem like a huge problem.

But then, after graduating and starting adult life, the pressure and expectations started to grow.

Learning to Order Like James Bond

I heard from many people that I should figure out what I want. I got older, and in online dating apps, I saw that women put into their descriptions: “Only men who know what they want.”

Not just women.

Family, friends, and the whole society gave me this feeling that I had to figure out what I wanted. I read a lot of dating advice for men where people said that women expect me to decide. If they ask whether we sit outside the restaurant or inside, I have to have an answer even if it doesn’t matter to me at all.

I started learning how to order a drink properly like James Bond did. When the waiter asked me which vodka I wanted in my cocktail, I had an immediate answer. People nodded approvingly around me, and I felt great. I pretended to be the guy who knows what he wants, even if I didn’t care about the sort of vodka in my drink.

But knowing what I want wasn’t just something I learned to pretend.

It’s part of maturing. An inevitable process of pattern recognition we acquire based on positive and negative experiences.

Something bad happens, so we decide differently next time. The number of options decreases, and we collect a bunch of emotional associations in the back of our minds.

We get choosier and decide faster.

At a certain age, we’re able to answer more confidently about what we like and want.

We start saying no more often.

We stop considering the unknown as an option because we don’t feel we need it anymore.

Life becomes safer. Novelty turns into predictability and stability.

We order the same food in the restaurant. We drink the same cocktail. We travel to the same place every single year.

Everything that doesn’t fit into the things we know we want gets filtered out automatically.

I get a job opportunity via email and delete it immediately when I spot one keyword that implies something I know I don’t want.

This is efficiency. This is clarity. This is knowing what I want.

But what if this knowing (or believing to know) what I want keeps me stuck?

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When Knowing What You Want Becomes a Prison

I believe that knowing what we want can expire without us noticing it.

We change during our life, and something we thought we wanted can become something different today. But if we don’t give ourselves the chance to try, we’ll never figure it out.

At some point, knowing what we want turns into rigidity and fear.

We start saying no automatically to new and unknown opportunities while claiming we know what we want and this isn’t part of it.

For example, if somebody asks me if I want to try acro yoga, I say no automatically.

That’s not what I like. Without knowing exactly how it feels to actually do that kind of yoga practice.

I’ve had the situation so many times where I had the choice to watch a movie and I chose one I’d already watched 100 times over a new movie I’d never seen before. Just for safety reasons. The movie I’ve watched so many times, I know I’ll like it again. But the new movie can be bad, and then I’d waste my Sunday evening watching something I don’t enjoy.

I also like to book single rooms for myself in hostels or surf camps. I don’t sleep in a room with other people anymore. Not even giving it a chance.

So while living with the belief that I’ve figured out what I want, I’ve also started making my life smaller and smaller. I only repeat the well-known things I truly like and try to exclude novelty at all costs because it can be risky.

And there’s a self-strengthening process that makes it even worse.

We’ve all had that situation when somebody convinced us to do something we didn’t want to, because we already knew it wasn’t what we liked. And it turned out we were right. The experience was bad, and we say: “Never again. I knew it would be bad.” These moments lead us deeper into a less flexible and more rigid life.

And there are hidden costs to that rigidity:

What if the job I deleted had a culture I’d actually love, just described badly in the email?

What if the person who doesn’t fit my “type” could become someone important in my life?

What if the movie I skip becomes my new favorite film?

What if the shared room leads to a friendship that changes my perspective?

I’ve become so good at knowing what I want that I’ve stopped discovering what I might want.

The Narrowing: Age 20 vs. Age 38

Here’s what happens with age and clarity:

At 20:

• Open to everything

• No preferences

• Said yes constantly

• Tried everything

• Confused, but flexible

At 38:

• Clear about what I want

• Strong preferences

• Say no constantly

• Try only familiar things

• Decisive, but rigid

Neither is better. Both have costs.

At 20, I wasted time on things that didn’t fit me because I couldn’t tell what fit.

At 38, I miss opportunities that could fit me because I’ve decided in advance they don’t.

The filter that protects my time also blocks my growth.

The Grumpy Old Man Problem

If I don’t pay attention to these behaviors, I’ll end up as a grumpy old man who complains about everything that’s different from what I want and what I’ve gotten used to along the way.

This is obviously something I don’t want.

So I started including new experiences into my life, going against what my mind says in autopilot mode.

I went on a date with someone who didn’t fit the picture of what I want. The date was better than I thought. We didn’t date again, but we had a great time talking about life and sharing experiences about our dating lives.

When I went to a surf camp, I booked a shared room with one other person. It turned out great. There was a guy from the UK. We talked about movies and life, and it was fun.

In restaurants, I try to order something I’ve never tried before. Otherwise, I’d always eat the same thing and never expand my experiences.

I also say yes to social invitations I’d normally decline. I travel to places that don’t fit my “type” or try hobbies that seem unappealing at first.

Not because I’m confused about what I want.

But because rigidity masquerading as clarity is just fear.

Finding the Balance

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not something I push all the time.

It’s about balance.

I keep the clarity:

• I know my core non-negotiables

• I protect my boundaries

• I stay decisive on obvious mismatches

• I don’t waste time on things I know won’t work

But I rebuild flexibility:

• When I realize I haven’t tried anything different in a couple of months, I do it consciously

• I tell myself: this weekend is about trying something new

• Then next time, I can stay in my comfort zone

• But maybe my comfort zone changed or expanded from that last new experience

The goal isn’t to go back to my confused 20-year-old self who said yes to everything.

The goal is to hold both: knowing what I want while staying open to what I don’t yet know I need.

Why?

Because life is beautiful.

Experiences are the things we’ll never forget. They shape us and make our time here richer. Believing that we know what we want is not the same as truly knowing what we want. That’s why it might be worth challenging that belief from time to time.

The Paradox Remains

At 20, I was open but lost.

At 40, I’ll be clear but rigid.

The work isn’t choosing between them. It’s managing the tension.

Knowing what you want is power. But knowing what you want and refusing everything else is prison.

The real maturity isn’t just knowing what you want. It’s knowing what you want while remaining flexible about how it might show up.

Maybe the person who doesn’t fit your type teaches you something your type never could.

Maybe the experience outside your comfort zone expands what comfortable means.

Maybe the opportunity you delete contains exactly what you’re looking for, just packaged differently.

I still know what I want. But I’m learning to question my automatic nos.

Because clarity without curiosity is just another way to stay stuck.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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It’s morning, and after waking up, I head into the kitchen. The morning sun shines through the window and turns the kitchen into a warm, yellow-colored space. I make coffee and look out at my backyard. The grass is vivid green, and my sheep have already come out of the stable. I’m smiling, thinking about the day ahead of me.

No meetings. No computer. No cell phone or any kind of annoying nonsense work.

Just me and my farm.

I often have this fantasy.

Funnily enough, I’ve heard this from many people who work in similar roles. Office workers who get up in the morning and work 9 to 5.

They start their day with some kind of stand-up or Monday morning meeting.

They have titles like business intelligence manager, chief of staff, or growth marketing manager. Meetings after meetings.

The output is usually some kind of slides nobody will look at.

They create documentation nobody will read. They spend most of their time in meetings with others who do similar things with similar meaningless outputs.

One day after another.

These people, including me, often reach the moment where they think:

“I would love to work on my own farm.”

“I would like to work in a zoo with animals.”

“I would love to have a vineyard and produce delicious wine.”

“Something physical with my name on it. Something I can look at, give to other people so they can enjoy it.”

The absurdity of this fantasy is that none of these people have ever worked on a farm or done physical labor at all. They don’t know what it takes to run a farm or work in a zoo.

Still, the idea of a slow, non-digital life with visible output makes the fantasy extremely compelling.

This is a recurring fantasy. Usually after another meeting with managers where we define some kind of technical roadmap, create tickets for the backlog while knowing that all the ideas and plans will be obsolete tomorrow.

It feels meaningless.

It’s Rarely About the Farm

As you probably suspect, it’s not about farming.

It’s not a life vision people are heading toward with a well-thought-through strategy. It’s more like a signal that something is missing, something most humans want to feel in their life: meaning, being useful, producing something that stays and matters.

In those office jobs, people rarely have visible results.

Most of the work is abstract.

Sitting in meetings and talking through the same problem again and again.

Sending emails or setting up automations.

My days often end with the feeling of missing accomplishment, even if I feel mentally exhausted. When I ask myself what the outcome of today’s work was, I can barely define it.

Besides the lack of meaning, physical movement is also missing. I have back pain after sitting eight hours at my desk. My eyes are dry, but my body is completely unused. The accumulated stress works through my entire body. I always think I would implode if I didn’t do sports regularly.

The responsibility feels ridiculous. We talk about key performance indicators and objectives and key results (office workers know what that is).

But what are we really responsible for?

Numbers on a dashboard?

A project timeline?

Meanwhile, the farm fantasy offers responsibility for actual living beings.

Animals that need you. Plants that depend on you. Real consequences, not just missed deadlines.

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What’s Really Behind the Desire

When I dig deeper into this fantasy, it’s not actually about sheep or vegetables.

It’s about what those things represent.

Visible results instead of abstract work.

You plant a seed, and you see it grow.

You feed an animal, and it’s healthy.

You build a fence, and it stands there.

Compare that to: you attend a meeting, send an email, update a document, and nothing tangible exists. Your effort disappears into systems you can’t see or touch.

Physical movement instead of constant sitting.

Your body gets tired from actual work, not just from stress.

You use your muscles.

You move.

You sweat.

At the end of the day, your body is exhausted in a satisfying way, not just your brain.

Natural rhythms instead of calendar pressure.

The farm runs on seasons, weather, daylight.

Not on quarterly targets, sprint cycles, or arbitrary deadlines someone invented in a conference room.

Simplicity and repetition instead of complexity.

The same tasks, done well, every day.

No pivots.

No sudden strategy changes.

No reorgs.

Just: animals need feeding, plants need watering, fences need maintaining.

Quiet instead of constant stimulation.

No Slack notifications.

No email pinging.

No back-to-back Zoom calls.

Just wind, birds, the sound of your own breathing.

For me, it shows up as: I want to see something grow that I planted. I want my body to be tired, not just my brain. I want to finish a day and know it’s actually finished.

Why Office Work Triggers This Fantasy

This isn’t office-bashing. It’s observation.

High abstraction: You solve problems you can’t see. Results disappear into systems. Your effort becomes invisible. You never touch what you make. I create data models and dashboards. Where do they go? Into servers somewhere. Who uses them? I often don’t know. What impact do they have? Impossible to measure. It’s ghosts working on ghosts.

Permanent availability: Work never truly ends. Email at 9pm. Thinking about work on weekends. Messages during vacation. No clear boundary between work and life. The expectation that you’re always reachable creates a constant low-level anxiety.

No real completion: Projects morph into new projects. Goals shift constantly. Nothing is ever done. The work regenerates overnight. You finish one roadmap, and immediately someone asks for the next one. There’s no moment of “we did it” before moving to the next thing.

Identity tied to performance: You are your output. Your worth equals your productivity. Being, not doing, feels impossible. When someone asks what you do, you say your job title. Not who you are. What you produce. And if you stop producing? Who are you then?

Here’s the deeper issue: Your nervous system wasn’t designed for permanent abstraction.

It expects physical threats you can see and respond to, problems with clear solutions, effort that produces visible results, and natural light cycles and movement.

Office work reverses all of this. The threats are invisible (deadlines, performance reviews). The problems are abstract (alignment, strategy). The effort disappears into screens. The light is artificial. The movement is minimal.

Your body experiences this as constant low-level danger with no release.

The farm fantasy is your nervous system screaming for regulation.

The Farm Dream as Escape Fantasy

Let me be honest here.

Farms are hard physical work. Low margins. Responsibility seven days a week. Financially unstable. No vacation. No sick days. Weather-dependent chaos. Animals die. Crops fail. Equipment breaks.

I know this. Everyone who has this fantasy probably knows this on some level.

But that’s not the point.

The fantasy isn’t realistic planning.

It’s a counterweight to your current reality.

Your mind is creating the exact opposite of what you have because what you have feels unsustainable.

The farm represents regulation.

Tangibility.

Rhythm.

Purpose.

Even if the reality would be just as hard, in a different way.

The Real Question to Ask

The question isn’t: “Should I quit everything and buy a farm?”

The question is: “What am I missing so deeply that my mind escapes to animals and soil?”

This is where the real work begins.

Because once you understand what the fantasy is actually asking for, you can give yourself pieces of it without burning your life down.

Integration Instead of Escape

I didn’t quit my job to work on a farm. But I changed how I work and live.

More physicality: I run 5 times a week. Not gentle jogging. Hard running. Interval training that makes my lungs burn. Physical exhaustion my office job never provides. My body gets tired the way bodies are supposed to get tired.

More nature: I spend time outside every day. Even if it’s just 20 minutes walking. Natural light on my skin. Weather. Wind. Rain. Not just temperature-controlled office air.

Clear endings to the day: I have hard stops. 6pm, I’m done. Laptop closed. No email after hours. I protect my evenings the way I would protect sleep. Because rest is just as real as work.

Work with tangible outcomes: I write. I create articles people can read. I run marathons I can finish. I track things I can measure and complete, not just endless process work. My newsletter has my name on it. It exists. People read it. That’s tangible.

Fewer artificial stimuli: I deleted Instagram. I reduced screen time. I sit in silence sometimes. I let myself be bored. Boredom is regulation. The constant stimulation was making me sick.

These aren’t farm work. But they’re what the farm fantasy was actually asking for.

Visible results. Physical tiredness. Natural rhythms. Quiet. Completion.

I gave my nervous system what it was screaming for, just in a different form.

The Body Knows

The farm fantasy doesn’t go away completely. It still appears, usually after a particularly abstract week. After three days of back-to-back meetings where nothing was decided. After creating another presentation that will be ignored.

But now I understand what it’s asking for. And I give myself pieces of it.

Maybe it’s not about where we work. Maybe it’s about how far we’ve drifted from what keeps us regulated.

The body knows what it needs. The daydream is just trying to tell you.

Listen to it. Not by quitting your job and buying sheep. But by understanding what the sheep represent.

Then give yourself that, in whatever form makes sense for your actual life.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment.

I read every one. — David

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A Note Before You Read

This article is not an attack on parents. It’s about bringing visibility to patterns that create difficulties in our adult lives and relationships.

Throughout this article, I’ll use examples from my own childhood. These aren’t shared for sympathy, but to help you recognize similar patterns. What felt normal to me for decades turned out to be deeply damaging.

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, know that recognition is not weakness. It’s the beginning of understanding.

“You were such a disappointment when you were born. I always wanted a daughter. Look at the pink blanket I bought back then because I was sure you would be a girl.”

My mother told me this with a smile when I was around six years old. Not just once. I heard it many times throughout my childhood.

Today, I’m almost 40 years old, and those sentences are still in my mind. Instead of fading, they grew into an underlying feeling of being wrong and unwelcome, regardless of whether I’m at work, in a relationship, or with friends.

When I confronted my mother in my 30s, she said she never said that. She told me I made it up and asked why I was so ungrateful anyway.

The Problem With Criticizing Parents

Parents wear a shield that society gives them. They are often idealized, and questioning them means questioning everything you believed about your childhood.

“They just did their best,” they told me.

“Don’t blame your parents for your problems!”

“Take responsibility, David!”

That protection creates a problem. The pain builds inside you, waiting for release. The anger, disappointment, loneliness, destroyed self-worth.

And when it finally comes out, you usually aim at the wrong people. Unconsciously.

You scream at your wife. Your kid. Your coworkers. You don’t realize that this anger arises because your manipulative mother always criticized you or because your drunk father terrorized your family for years.

What Are Toxic Parents?

Toxic parents are parents whose repeated behaviors harm a child’s emotional, psychological, or relational development. This harm is often unintentional and can coexist with love and good intentions. That’s exactly why it’s so hard to recognize.

Toxic parenting is not about occasional mistakes. It’s about consistent patterns that undermine a child’s sense of safety, self-worth, or autonomy.

The problem: Everything we learn at home becomes universal truth. Children always believe that when something happens in the family, it’s their fault.

The symptoms: Damaged self-esteem, suppressed anger, constant guilt, feeling worthless, unlovable, inadequate.

Important to mention: The cause of these behaviors is usually dissatisfaction with their own lives. They have unsolved problems, and the children become victims of how they deal with those problems.

Why You Can’t See It

You often don’t recognize the problem because either your parents or you live in denial.

They just did their best, right? How could they be the cause of your problems?

Most people start looking for solutions elsewhere: drinking, drugs, excessive behaviors. They believe something is wrong with them, which I did for a long time.

Children always blame themselves. They internalize the dysfunction as proof that they’re wrong, not that the situation is wrong.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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The Patterns

There were many recurring patterns in my childhood, but I’ll focus on the three most damaging: control, manipulation, and an alcoholic parent.

The Controller

My mother tried to control everything. She read my teenage love letters behind my back. She knew who I partied with and investigated my brother’s girlfriends, criticizing his relationships until they broke up.

When my brother started working, she took all his money, saying she’d save it for him. When he bought new clothes instead, she withdrew love as punishment.

I learned that I always have to pay the price for anything. Asking for help? That’s a problem. Gaining control? I pay with guilt and frustration. Having my own opinion means losing love, so it’s better to nod at anything.

Lasting damages:

• Overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Your emotions become unimportant

• Difficulty making decisions

• Constant guilt

• Choosing controlling partners later

The Manipulator/Martyr

I remember my mother screaming that she would go to the basement to hang herself. I tried to stop her while crying.

When I moved to Hamburg and told my parents I felt great and happy, they called me. My mother wore a big scarf, coughing, and said, “Good for you. I’ll die at work here.” She always wanted to take my joy away.

When I asked for money to go out with friends, I had to listen for an hour about how she’d die at work, how miserable her life was. Then she’d throw her purse on the table and say I could take what I wanted because she might not be living tomorrow anyway.

This was a usual start to going out with friends.

I felt tremendous guilt my entire life until I turned 32 or 33. I was the emotional caretaker of my mother throughout childhood. I felt responsible for her well-being so she didn’t take her life.

I learned that experiencing joy upset her, and I didn’t want to hurt her.

In all my romantic relationships, I put myself aside. All my emotions, wishes, and needs became secondary. I also became the victim because that was the instrument I learned from my mother.

Lasting damages:

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions

• Difficulty saying no

• Constant guilt for living your own life

• Putting others’ needs first always

• Choosing needy partners

The Alcoholic Parent

I never had a birthday party because it was never possible to bring friends home. My father could come home anytime, and I had to be prepared. He was jealous, loud, physical. He burned my mother’s clothes, destroyed plates, and attacked her verbally and physically.

That’s why I don’t celebrate my birthday as an adult. I have no idea how to. Not celebrating is normal for me.

From age five to fifteen, I lived in a terror house, standing on the frontline trying to protect my mother.

I had to develop the skill of pretending. I lied at school that I had a good life at home, that my father didn’t drink, that we did vacations every year. Everything was a lie.

Once I climbed a tree in our garden and told my parents I wouldn’t come down until they got divorced. I was seven.

I learned early that alcohol is an accepted way to numb feelings, and it was part of my life until I turned 37.

Lasting damages:

• High tolerance for accepting bad things

• Choosing alcoholic or unstable partners (it’s familiar)

• Need to control everything

• Difficulty trusting people

• Terrified of closeness

• Developing insecurities from constant lying

The Symptoms You Carry

It took time, effort, and money to notice and work through the symptoms I carried.

What toxic parenting created in me and might have created in you:

• Damaged self-esteem

• Constant guilt

• Feeling worthless, unlovable, inadequate

• Anger transferred to others

• Overdeveloped responsibility for others, underdeveloped care for yourself

• Belief that your emotions don’t matter

• Codependency

• Becoming invisible

• Fear of not being needed

• Choosing partners who replicate the dysfunction

If you experience several of these, it might be worth taking a closer look, even if it’s painful.

What You Can Do Now

If you saw yourself in these patterns, you’re not broken. You were broken into by people who should have protected you.

You are not responsible for what was done to you. But you are responsible for taking steps to heal.

That might mean:

• Therapy to process what happened

• Setting boundaries

• Learning that your needs matter

• Unlearning the guilt

• Breaking the patterns before you pass them on

For me, it took 35 years to get rid of almost all the negative effects, but I’ll never be completely damage-free. There are things like hypervigilance I’ve learned to live with.

For now, know this: Seeing it clearly is the hardest part. And you just did that.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I’ve been planning to write this for a long time. About the wisdom I acquired on my bumpy road. Things I wish somebody had told me when I was young so I didn’t waste years learning them the hard way.

These might be obvious to you. Hopefully, you’re already well-equipped.

If not, the experiences I’ve had in 38 years might help you avoid the same mistakes.

Here are the 6 things I wish I knew when I was younger.

1. A Healthy Body Is the Highest Priority

I grew up in a family where smoking, drinking, and eating heavy, unhealthy food were normal. The reward for a work week was alcohol and chain smoking. I lived the same way in my 20s.

My regular breakfast was 2 cans of cheap energy drinks and 4 cigarettes. My lunch was the cheapest pizza delivered to my apartment. I put on weight, became unfit, and had panic attacks every day.

If somebody told me to pay attention to my health, I would have laughed. I thought I’d stay 20 years old forever.

Don’t make the same mistake.

There’s a line that says how you lived in your 20s shows itself in your 30s. I couldn’t agree more. I started getting gray hair and losing hair. My skin became dry. I looked old and burned out.

Fortunately, I realized it in time. I quit smoking. Stopped drinking. Started exercising regularly, running, stretching. And most importantly, sleeping well.

Since then, my hair loss slowed down. My skin cleared up. I have energy again.

If you’re healthy and fit, you can do anything in your life.

You can work more, travel more, be there for the people you love. Your body carries you every single day. Everything else is built on your health.

Treat your body as a temple.

2. Nobody Is Coming to Save You

I was the victim of my life. The victim of circumstances. Poor family. Schools where teachers didn’t like me. Employers that didn’t reward my value. Unfaithful women.

I had an answer for everything, but it was never about me. I blamed everyone.

I said loudly: “If life won’t get better, then I won’t do anything at all.”

Nobody cared about my whiny threat.

After years of victimhood, I had to face the conclusion nobody wants to hear:

Nobody cares about your problems.

People might listen, but then everyone returns to their own life. And you’ll still be on the couch, but nothing will happen. No miracle. No sudden improvement. The woman or man of your dreams won’t ring the bell. The employer won’t call with a great offer. Your muscles won’t grow. Your business won’t build itself.

If you don’t do something about your life, nothing will happen.

This applies to you too.

It’s hard to accept, but here’s the positive side:

If nobody is coming to help you, then you’re the only one who can do something about your life.

You don’t need to wait. You don’t need to blame anyone. You can start today and change your life.

Forget living on hope. Hope won’t help you. Action will.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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3. Get Help and Deal with Your Demons

In my parents’ generation, therapy meant you were crazy. Talking about emotions was weakness, so people swallowed it instead.

At age 24, I asked myself why I was such an asshole and treated people so badly.

I decided to go to therapy for the first time, and it was a game-changer.

That first therapist gave me the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I couldn’t put it down. It helped me understand the family dynamics and why I felt so much pain.

That led to other therapies where I discovered more beliefs and painful memories I’d been carrying.

After 10 years of working on myself, I put everything on the table. All my negative behaviors came to the surface, and I solved the underlying problems or gained control by being aware of them.

That work helped me become the happy person I am today.

I know young men and women who have deep-seated problems but won’t deal with them because it’s painful. I know because I cried for months. I numbed myself with alcohol, smoking, and food. I tried to escape by traveling and dating four times a week.

But these things won’t help. The only thing that helps is facing those demons.

The reward is huge. It’s a life of feeling reborn, free, and light every day, being able to build everything on a rock-solid foundation.

If you’re not well or think there’s something worth looking at with external help, don’t wait too long.

4. Everything Is Temporary (The Good and the Bad)

We hope for the end of difficult phases, but the good times also have an end date. That’s hard to accept, but it helps you appreciate things and not take them for granted.

I stepped into this trap many times, thinking something would last forever. Relationships, good financial phases, friendships, places, opportunities.

They all end eventually.

But the new phase after a good phase isn’t necessarily worse than the previous one.

When we accept the nature of phases, it helps us survive difficult times easier. I’ve had many of those, and every time the turning point came, I became happier than before.

If you’re in a bad place now, remember: that phase also has an expiry date.

5. Your Callings Aren’t What You Expect

Everyone talks about passion and calling. “Follow your passion. Find your purpose.”

Most people expect some enlightenment moment that says you should travel to Hollywood and become an actor or start a billion-dollar startup.

Unfortunately, callings have a much wider range than we think.

I figured out mine through self-discovery: biology, geography, movies, reading, writing. I love watching movies. Maybe I’ll shoot one someday. Looking at maps gives me the feeling of being an explorer. I read books every day and write on Substack.

These are my callings, and they make my life richer and happier. They’re not what people would expect, but they’re mine, and I feel aligned.

The most important thing is that these are my callings, not someone else’s.

If you experience joy while doing some activity, even if you don’t want to accept it, take a closer look. That might be your calling.

6. Hard Work Usually Pays Off

It doesn’t matter if it’s your job, fitness, or side project, hard work probably pays off.

I know many people who work hard and have results. When I was lazy and surrounded by people with a “don’t work too hard” mentality, we didn’t have any relevant results.

There’s a line that you shouldn’t half-ass anything in your life, and I believe it’s true. If you say you want to be jacked, you can’t stop reps when it hurts a bit. You can’t quit the job when the first challenge arises.

Hard work usually won’t go unnoticed. I started working hard in the last three years, and the results are coming.

Here’s one important thing I realized: I always believed I worked hard, but it wasn’t true. I started complaining way too early because that’s what I learned from my parents and friends who hated their jobs.

Then I realized when I focus more on the work and less on my whiny thoughts, I can deliver great results and work harder than I thought.

Just give it a try. Next time ask yourself: Do I really work hard?

Final Thought

If you only pick one lesson from this and implement it into your life, I’ve already achieved what I wanted.

One more request: If you have experiences that taught you wisdom, please share with me. I’m always looking for insights that can help us live better, healthier, and happier lives.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I literally started my life with a negative balance.

My confidence and self-acceptance were demolished by my mother’s constant criticism, and my emotional regulation was destroyed by the chronic stress and existential terror at home.

While other people grew up in warm and loving homes, I reached adulthood full of insecurities and without any plan for what I wanted to do with my life.

I’m not complaining, but it’s important to understand why we end up where we do. Back then, I thought everyone started from zero and all we needed to do was build up. I was completely wrong.

I went on dates wanting a girlfriend, but I had no plan for my life.

I went to the gym wanting to gain muscle, but I was smoking and drinking heavily.

My sleep was a disaster. I was in financial debt but still spent money on useless things.

I had no idea what I was actually interested in.

It was like trying to run before I could even walk.

It took me years to realize I was operating in negative balance across multiple areas of my life.

But once I did, it became obvious what I needed to do: I had to get to zero first.

It sounds harsh, but many of us have to work incredibly hard just to reach the baseline that others were given by default. A difficult childhood isn’t the only reason you can end up below the zero line, it can also come from unexpected hardship, addiction, illness, bad habits, or even laziness.

The baseline is different for everyone, but there are general principles that define it for most of us.

The Zero Balance Framework

Zero balance doesn’t mean being rich or extraordinarily successful.

It means having the basics right.

It’s about creating order in your life so you can actually build something.

It means getting a good night’s sleep so you start each day with positive energy instead of always falling behind.

It means not having debt dragging you down.

It means your apartment isn’t chaos.

It means your body gets healthy food and your blood work doesn’t show warning signs you’re ignoring.

Think about it: You can’t build muscle if you’re not sleeping. You can’t buy a nice car if you’re still paying off debt. You can’t confidently talk to someone you’re attracted to if you don’t have a decent haircut or proper clothes, and you definitely can’t answer “What are your plans?” if you have none.

When you’re in negative balance in multiple areas, they compound into a debt spiral:

Poor sleep from staying up late doomscrolling and drinking → tired at work → can’t focus → underperform → boss notices → lose your job → money problems → more stress → can’t sleep at all.

Or: Financial debt → can’t buy decent clothes → feel ashamed → avoid social events → loneliness → mental health problems.

Or even simpler: Messy, chaotic apartment → mental fog and constant discomfort → poor decisions → more chaos.

Every single negative balance in your life can trigger a spiral. If you’re not aware of it, returning to zero becomes nearly impossible.

The good news: Once you become aware of these debts, you can start working to regain control and get back to zero.

Here are the most important areas to examine so you can start leveling up.

Building Your Foundation: The Core Areas

1. Sleep

This is the most important area of all because it affects everything else on this list. Your energy level, mood, and decisions depend on the quality of your sleep. If you’re constantly tired, your most essential need is unfulfilled. You’ll experience food cravings, make poor decisions, skip your plans, and you’re more likely to get in an accident or injure yourself during workouts.

Zero balance: 6-7 hours consistently, no sleep debt, not dragging through your days

Positive balance: 7-8 hours, waking refreshed, actively improving sleep quality

First step: Set a consistent bedtime and develop a proper evening routine with no phone, no alcohol or heavy food, and stick to it for two weeks

2. Physical Health & Appearance

Getting a good night’s sleep is the foundation of your physical health, but it doesn’t automatically mean you’re at zero with your body. If you can’t take the stairs without stopping to catch your breath, you’re definitely below baseline. Being active — both cardio and strength training — can help here quickly. You don’t need to become an ambitious athlete, but being active three times a week would boost your energy level and physical fitness enormously. A healthy body is also the foundation for the next area on this list.

Beyond physical fitness, I have to mention essential grooming because your appearance can also put you below zero. Get that haircut regularly. If you’re a man, shave or maintain your beard. Cut those nails. Clean your ears. Even just doing the basics can bring huge improvement in your appearance.

Zero balance: 2-3 times a week, at least 30 minutes of physical activity (walking, jogging, cycling, strength training)

Positive balance: 2 cardio days and 2 strength training days per week, gaining muscle and improving VO2 max

First step: Go for a walk before or after work. Check out the local gym just to get into that space.

3. Mental Health

As you get physically healthier, you’ll see improvements in your mental health as well. Getting a healthy body boosts your confidence. You’ll like what you see in the mirror more. You can start smiling at yourself. It improves your self-esteem.

Beyond that, you need to pay attention to your stress level and emotional state. If you have unprocessed trauma or any other mental issue, start taking care of it. Otherwise, it can negatively impact all the other areas. Learn to control your emotions, or they will control you, and not for your good.

Zero balance: Aware of your stress and emotions, starting to manage them

Positive balance: Practices in place (meditation, journaling, therapy, yoga)

First step: Daily check-in with yourself

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4. Environment

This is an underrated life hack, but cleaning up your apartment, sorting out your unnecessary stuff, and having a neat living environment brings a lot to your daily life. I personally can’t think clearly if my home looks like a mess, and it stresses me quite a bit. If your home is clean and neat, you can invite people anytime. Make your bed after you wake up. Wash your dishes after eating. Clean that toilet every week. It’s a form of self-respect, giving yourself a nice environment to live in. How can you expect others to respect you if you don’t respect yourself at all?

Zero balance: Clean space, functional wardrobe, no clutter chaos

Positive balance: Organized systems, intentional belongings

First step: Clean one room completely, sort out your wardrobe

5. Finances

Disclaimer: The following section does not constitute financial advice. It reflects solely my personal experience and opinions regarding financial health. For professional financial guidance, please consult a qualified advisor.

Alright, now it gets serious.

Until this point, we’ve handled the basics: you sleep well, you look good, you think clearly, and you have a clean desk to sit down and focus on your finances.

The first thing you need to do is establish a status quo.

Do you know how many subscriptions you have?

Do you know how much money you spend on them?

How much do you pay for electricity?

Do you have debt?

How much money do you make?

You need a very clear overview of the data. Use your bank account and start calculating: income versus expenses. If you’ve never done this before, it can be a surprising process to realize how much you spend on coffee or online shopping.

Are you dreaming about investing?

That belongs to positive balance. Getting to zero means you know your numbers exactly and have a plan to improve them. If you have debt, your first and most important mission is to pay it off. Until then, you’re below zero. To do that, you need more money, so either you cut your expenses or you start making more money. Both are possible, but at the beginning, cutting costs is easier than getting stressed about how to make more. So cut the coffee, the many subscriptions, the credit cards, and start working to get to zero.

Zero balance: No debt, know your numbers

Positive balance: Saving, investing, clear budget

First step: Track everything for one month

6. Work & Career

Since you’ve started saving money, now here’s the opportunity to increase your income by boosting your career.

This is also something you need to start with a reality check.

Do you like your job?

Is there any opportunity to move up and earn more?

Have you asked your boss?

Or have you just gotten used to the life you’re living and never even thought about it?

It’s time to be proactive here because you want to have a plan.

Sometimes we’re working at the wrong place, but we’ve become accustomed to the situation and never asked ourselves if we have other options. My good friend just quit his job and went to another company. After three weeks, his new employer asked him if he wanted to become a department lead. At his previous company, there was no option like that.

It doesn’t matter what your job is. Sit down and think about it.

Is there a similar employer where you could ask for the same job but for more money?

Is there any skill you could learn to level up at your job and get better paid?

Have you asked your boss about perspective and opportunities to advance?

Be aware of your current situation and ask yourself every week what you can do to get further. Being proactive and motivated is not only attractive to your partner but also to your employer.

Take action.

Zero balance: Job you don’t hate, clear on next step

Positive balance: Building skills, clear path, taking action

First step: Define what you want next

7. Relationships

Imagine this situation: You slept well and you have a lot of energy because you’re doing sports and eating well. You can listen to people easily because your mental health is stable. You can invite friends over because your apartment is clean and welcoming. You don’t have stress because your finances are solid, and you can even order a pizza for your friends. If they ask you about your personal plans, you can tell them you’re learning a new skill and asked your boss about the next steps in your career.

This decent person is you.

People are listening to you because they think your life is interesting.

You have a plan.

You look good and you’re reliable.

At this point, building those relationships will be much easier because you can be fully yourself. You don’t have to make up stories about your nonexistent plans or explain why you can’t invite somebody over again. In this state of your life, you’ll be able to cut off all the toxic people who can drag you back below zero.

You don’t have to wait to be chosen by others all the time, you can also choose who you want to hang out with. This means you build healthy relationships with people who build you up, support you, and are there for you.

Zero balance: No toxic relationships, aware of what you need

Positive balance: Meaningful connections, working on them

First step: Audit your relationships honestly

How to Start Your Zero Balance Process

It’s very important not to try fixing everything at once.

That would frustrate you because there might be many things you want to improve at the same time.

My recommendation is always to start with the most essential areas like sleep, physical health, and mental health.

If you don’t have those, you’ll probably fail in all the other ones because you don’t have the body and mind that can carry you through all the challenges you face in your daily life.

The goal is sustainable order, not overnight transformation.

Here’s how to actually do it:

Start with sleep. This is non-negotiable. Fix your sleep first before tackling anything else. Give yourself two weeks of consistent sleep routine before moving on. If you can’t maintain it, don’t move forward, stay here until it sticks.

Once sleep is stable, add physical health. Start moving your body regularly. After another two or four weeks of consistency with both sleep and movement, you’re ready for the next step.

Then address your mental health. Start checking in with yourself daily. Begin noticing your stress and emotions.

Only after these three are stable should you tackle environment, finances, work, and relationships. Pick one at a time. Get it to zero. Then move to the next.

If you slip: Don’t panic. Slipping back below zero in one area is normal. The key is catching it early and addressing it before it spirals. Use your awareness to course-correct quickly.

Be patient with yourself. Getting all seven areas to zero might take months or even a year. That’s fine. You’re building a foundation that will last the rest of your life. Rushing it defeats the purpose.

Conclusion

Having your shit together isn’t glamorous. It’s not about being the richest or the most successful person in the room. It’s about knowing where you stand and moving forward with clarity. It’s the opposite of chaos. Start with awareness of your negative balances, then take one step at a time to get back to zero. From there, you can finally start building the life you actually want.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re working on getting to zero in any area of your life, or if this framework resonates with you, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I remember being 20 years old and dreaming of becoming a successful adult. In my mind, I was living in New York City at 32, wearing a trench coat, holding a Starbucks coffee, and walking along Fifth Avenue at sunset. This was the picture I carried with me.

Then I turned 30. Then 31. Then finally 32.

I wasn’t even 10 percent of the successful person I had imagined. Obviously, I started asking myself why I hadn’t become that man.

So I looked back at the years between 20 and 30, and I had to face a harsh truth: I hadn’t done anything except party, chase cheap pleasures, complain, and be lazy. It was brutal to swallow, but it taught me that I had been a victim of self-deception. I had a massive identity gap in my life.

The identity in my mind: I’m a hardworking, successful man.

My real identity: A weak man who drank too much, mastered quiet quitting, and had low standards for almost everything in his life.

I remember at university there was a guy in my class who worked for the university paper every evening. He skipped most of the parties. I know this because I never skipped any of them. After graduating, I ended up unemployed and struggled to find something, anything, to at least earn rent.

Then one day I turned on the TV, and there he was. The guy from my class. He had a microphone in his hand and was reporting about an accident in a small city.

My jaw dropped to the ground. I felt this overwhelming sense of unfairness. Life wasn’t treating me well, and this “loser” guy I had often laughed about was on TV while I, the “better” one, was struggling to find a job.

As you might assume, I had an error in my thinking back then. A massive one.

I expected huge professional success, but I didn’t do anything for it. I also wanted to look muscular, but I ate pizza almost every single day, smoked and drank at least four times a week, and then went to the gym once a week where I spent most of the time discussing with my friends where we’d drink after the gym.

No surprise, I didn’t develop any muscles. And the funny thing? I was genuinely surprised about it.

I knew what I should do. I just didn’t do it.

And if you’re reading this and feeling that uncomfortable recognition in your chest, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know what you should do too.

You’ve known for a while now.

Let Me Show You Your Life

This isn’t just my story. This is almost everyone’s story. The details change, but the pattern is the same: You know what you should do. You just don’t do it.

Let me show you what I mean. Here are many real-life examples where you can recognize yourself as well.

Health & Fitness

Example 1 - The Gym Membership: You pay for a gym membership every month. You tell yourself, ‘This year I’m getting in shape.’ The membership card sits in your wallet. You’ve been to the gym twice in three months. But you keep paying because canceling would mean admitting you’re not going to use it. And you still might. Maybe next week.

Example 2 - The Pizza Paradox: You say you want to lose weight. You download a calorie tracking app. You watch YouTube videos about meal prep. Then Friday night comes and you order pizza and drink four beers. Saturday you do it again. Sunday you tell yourself Monday is when you’ll really start. You’ve been saying this for two years.

Example 3 - The Running Shoes: You buy expensive running shoes. You set them by the door. You plan to run tomorrow morning. Tomorrow comes and you hit snooze. The shoes sit there for weeks, still clean, still waiting. But in your mind, you’re ‘someone who runs.’ You just haven’t started yet.

Money & Spending

Example 4 - The Savings Account: You say you want financial freedom. You read articles about investing. You know you should save 20% of your income. Then a sale notification pops up on your phone. Black Friday is coming. You buy something you don’t need. Again. Your savings account has $47 in it. It’s had $47 for six months.

Example 5 - The Subscription Trap: You want to save money. You also have Netflix, Spotify, Amazon Prime, three streaming services you forgot about, a gym membership you don’t use, and a monthly subscription box for something you were excited about once. That’s $200/month you ‘can’t afford to save.’

Example 6 - The Coffee Math: You complain you have no money. You also buy coffee every single day. Someone tells you that’s $1,500 per year. You say, ‘But I deserve my coffee.’ You do. But you also say you deserve financial security. Which one are you actually choosing?

Career & Ambition

Example 7 - The Side Project: You have an idea for a business, a blog, a creative project. You talk about it with friends. You think about it before sleep. You’ve been thinking about it for three years. You’ve never written a single word or taken a single action. But in your mind, you’re ‘working on something.’

Example 8 - The Evening Netflix Habit: You say you want to build something, learn something, become something more. Every evening after work, you have three free hours. Every evening, you watch Netflix until you fall asleep. Every morning, you wake up wondering why your life isn’t changing.

Example 9 - The Resume That Never Gets Updated: You want a better job. You hate your current one. You complain about it weekly. Your resume hasn’t been updated in two years. You haven’t sent out a single application. You haven’t networked. You haven’t learned new skills. But you’re ‘looking for something better.’

Relationships

Example 10 - The Bad Relationship: You know the relationship isn’t good. Your friends know. Your family knows. You complain about it constantly. But when someone asks why you don’t leave, you say, ‘It’s complicated.’ It’s not complicated. You’re scared of being alone. So you stay and slowly lose yourself.

Example 11 - The Friendship Paradox: You say you want deeper friendships. You also never text first. Never initiate plans. Never open up. Never show up consistently. Then you wonder why your friendships feel shallow. You’re waiting for others to build the friendship you want.

Example 12 - The Dating App Delete: You say you want to meet someone. You download dating apps. You swipe for a week. It feels exhausting and shallow. You delete the apps. You don’t go to places where you might meet people. You don’t put yourself out there. But you still ‘want a relationship.’

Personal Growth

Example 13 - The Unread Books: You buy books about self-improvement, productivity, psychology. They sit on your shelf, spines uncracked. You scroll TikTok for three hours instead. But you tell people you’re ‘really into reading.’ Are you? Or do you just like the idea of being someone who reads?

Example 14 - The Meditation App: You know you should meditate. You’ve downloaded three apps. You did it once for five minutes. It felt uncomfortable. You never did it again. But you still say, ‘I really need to start meditating.’ No, you need to meditate. Starting is not the same as doing.

If you recognized yourself in at least one of these examples, then I’ve already achieved what I wanted because I made you aware of this problem you already knew about anyway. But don’t worry, you’re not the only one living in self-deception, and the better news is that there’s a way out.

Before we get to the solutions, it’s always good to know why we get trapped in the identity gap. Understanding the problem can help us get out or not end up there again.

Why Do We Lie to Ourselves?

So why? Why do smart, capable people live like this? Why do we lie to ourselves so easily?

1. Comfort Always Wins (Unless You Force It Not To)

The uncomfortable truth:

• The right action is almost always uncomfortable

• Going to the gym is hard

• Saving money means saying no to things you want right now

• Having difficult conversations feels terrible

• Your brain is designed to avoid discomfort

What happens:

• Your brain chooses comfort every single time

• Unless you consciously force it otherwise

• The pizza feels better than the salad

• The couch feels better than the gym

• Netflix feels better than working on your project

The result:

• You always choose the path of least resistance

• And that path leads nowhere

2. The Consequences Feel Too Far Away

What your brain tells you:

• One pizza won’t make you fat

• One skipped workout won’t ruin your health

• One impulse purchase won’t bankrupt you

• This one time doesn’t matter

The trap:

• Your brain is right. One time doesn’t matter

• The damage happens slowly, invisibly

• Over weeks, months, years

• By the time you see the consequences, the pattern is set

The reality:

• It’s never just one time

• It’s one time, every time

• And those one-times add up to your entire life

3. You’re Living in Two Realities at Once

Reality #1 - In Your Mind:

• You’re the person who’s going to start running

• You’re going to save money

• You’re going to build something

• You’re working on yourself

• That version feels completely real to you

Reality #2 - Your Actual Life:

• You haven’t run in months

• Your savings account is empty

• You haven’t built anything

• You watch Netflix every night

• This is who you actually are

The gap:

• Who you are is defined by what you actually do

• Not what you plan to do

• Not what you think about doing

• Not what you want to do

• The gap between those two versions is killing you

4. Self-Deception Feels Better Than the Truth

What’s easier to say:

• “I want to be healthy”

• “I’m working on my career”

• “I’m looking for the right person”

• “I’m planning to start soon”

What’s harder to admit:

• “I prioritize comfort over health”

• “I watch Netflix every night instead of working”

• “I’m too scared to put myself out there”

• “I’ve been planning for three years and done nothing”

Why we choose the lie:

• The truth is uncomfortable

• The lie lets us keep our self-image intact

• We can feel good about our intentions

• Without facing the reality of our actions

• And we’re really, really good at this

Before You Do Anything: Look in the Mirror

Here’s the part you don’t want to hear: You have to admit the truth before you can change anything.

And the truth is brutal.

But I can tell you that all the biggest changes happened in my life when I was radically honest with myself. I admitted things that made me nervous and gave me a racing heart. I wrote them down and looked at them. After that, there were no more unspoken secrets between me and myself. That honesty transformed my life into a better one because from that point, there was something I could work with.

Unfortunately, at the beginning, most people will read those examples and rationalize why theirs is different. “But I’m ACTUALLY busy.” “But I REALLY do want to change.” “But my situation is unique.”

No. You’re lying to yourself. Again.

The first step isn’t action. It’s honesty. Real, brutal, uncomfortable honesty about who you actually are right now, not who you wish you were.

Here’s how to see the truth:

The Weekend Test: Who Are You When Nobody’s Watching?

Track one weekend honestly. Not how you wish you spent it. How you actually spent it. What time did you wake up? What did you do first? How many hours on your phone? How many hours on productive activities versus entertainment? What did you eat and drink?

Your weekend shows your real priorities. Not your stated ones. Your real ones.

The Money Test: What Do You Actually Value?

Open your bank statement right now. Look at the last three months. Where does your money actually go? Not where you think it goes. Where it actually goes. Every transaction, every purchase. Add it up by category.

Your spending shows what you actually value, not what you say you value. Money flows to what matters to you. If it’s all going to comfort and entertainment, that’s what you actually prioritize.

The Time Test: Where Does Your Life Actually Go?

Track one full week. Every hour. Be honest. How much time working? Sleeping? On your phone or social media? Watching entertainment? Actually working toward your goals? Exercising? Learning?

Your calendar doesn’t lie. Your intentions lie. Your plans lie. But your calendar tells the brutal truth about what you actually do with your life.

The Relationship Test: Who Are You Really Close To?

Look at the last month. Who did you actually spend time with? Not who you wish you spent time with. Who you actually texted, called, saw. Who you invested energy in. Who you showed up for.

Your real social circle isn’t who you think about. It’s who you actually spend time with. That’s the truth.

The Action Test: What Have You Actually Done?

In the last month, what have you actually done toward your stated goals? Not thought about. Not planned. Not talked about. Actually done. If the answer is nothing, you don’t actually want it. You want to want it. There’s a difference.

The Hard Truth:

If you did those tests honestly and you don’t like what you saw, good. That discomfort is the beginning of change. You can’t fix what you won’t admit is broken.

Now let’s talk about how to close the gap.

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How to Actually Close the Gap

Understanding the problem is one thing. Fixing it is another.

You can’t rely on motivation. You can’t rely on willpower. Both run out. What you need is a system that makes doing the right thing easier than doing the wrong thing. Here’s how:

1. Change Your Environment First (Don’t Fight It)

Stop trying to use willpower to resist temptation. Willpower is a finite resource that depletes throughout the day. Instead, remove the temptation entirely.

If you want to eat healthier:

• Don’t keep junk food in your house

• Don’t have beer in your fridge

• Meal prep on Sunday so healthy food is the easy option

• Make ordering pizza require more steps (delete delivery apps)

Practical tip: When I go grocery shopping, I ALWAYS have a shopping list and I only buy the things that are actually on the list. No impulse shopping, no searching for inspiration in the middle of the supermarket. I stick to the shopping list. It helps me avoid buying unnecessary AND unhealthy groceries.

If you want to save money:

• Delete shopping apps from your phone

• Unsubscribe from promotional emails

• Remove saved credit card info from websites

• Make impulse buying inconvenient

Practical tip: Use the “sleep on it” strategy. I do this every time I put something in my Amazon basket. I wait until the next day before I hit the buy button. Probably 60 to 70 percent of the time, I don’t order the thing I wanted because I realize I don’t actually need it at all.

If you want to work on your goals:

• Set up a dedicated workspace

• Keep your laptop open with your project file ready

• Put your phone in another room

• Make distractions harder to access than your work

Practical tip: Develop a habit for working on your side project. I do it every single day (weekends as well), before I start work and after work. Find 20 minutes and don’t be discouraged if you only work on it for a few minutes. Small actions compound over time. Just start.

The principle: Make the right choice the path of least resistance. Make the wrong choice require effort.

2. Make the Right Thing Stupidly Easy

The easier something is to start, the more likely you’ll actually do it.

When I started running consistently, I didn’t rely on motivation. I put my running shoes by the door. I laid out my running clothes the night before. When I woke up, I didn’t have to think. I just had to put them on and walk out the door. The friction was gone.

Examples:

• Want to read more? Put books on your nightstand, coffee table, everywhere you sit (I have one on my nightstand and one on the couch.)

• Want to go to the gym? Pack your gym bag the night before and put it by the door (If you can, then choose a gym that is not far from you.)

• Want to write? Open your laptop to a blank document before you go to bed

• Want to meditate? Set up a meditation corner with a cushion already in place

The two-minute rule applies here: make the first step so easy it takes less than two minutes. You don’t have to run 5km. You just have to put on your shoes. Usually, once you start, you keep going.

3. Shift Your Identity, Not Just Your Goals

This is the most powerful shift you can make. This practice helped me enormously because it made me think about what I really want, and I started to embody those identities. Since I said about myself that I’m an athlete, I also wanted to realize that identity.

Stop saying “I want to be healthy.” Start saying “I’m someone who takes care of my body.”

Stop saying “I want to save money.” Start saying “I’m someone who lives below my means.”

Stop saying “I want to build something.” Start saying “I’m someone who creates.”

Why this works:

Your identity determines your behavior more than your goals do. When you see yourself as “someone who runs,” you don’t debate whether to go running. You just go. That’s what someone who runs does.

How to do this:

Act like the person you want to become, even before you believe it. The identity follows the behavior, not the other way around. Every time you run, you reinforce the identity: “I’m a runner.” Every time you save instead of spend, you reinforce: “I’m someone who values financial freedom.”

Small actions repeated consistently change your identity. And once your identity changes, the behavior becomes automatic.

4. Track Your Actions, Not Your Intentions

Stop giving yourself credit for wanting to do something. Only count what you actually did.

I started tracking my runs, my writing sessions, everything I said I would do. Not in my head. On paper. In an app. Somewhere I couldn’t lie to myself about.

The brutal honesty principle:

At the end of each day, write down:

• What you actually did toward your goals (not what you thought about or planned)

• How much time you actually spent being productive

• What you ate, how much you drank, how you spent your money

You’ll see the gap immediately. And you can’t lie to a written record.

Tools:

• Simple habit tracker (checkmarks on a calendar)

• Spreadsheet (I use Google Sheets)

• Journal

• App (Streaks, Habitica, whatever works)

The act of tracking makes you conscious. And consciousness is the first step to change.

5. Accept That the Right Action Will Feel Uncomfortable

This is the hardest one to internalize: discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something right.

Going to the gym feels uncomfortable. That’s normal. Saving money instead of buying something you want feels uncomfortable. That’s normal. Working on your project instead of watching Netflix feels uncomfortable. That’s normal.

The lie you’ve been telling yourself: “If it feels hard, I must not be ready yet.”

The truth: It’s supposed to feel hard. That’s what growth feels like.

The comfortable path is the one you’ve been walking. That’s why it’s comfortable. The new path is uncomfortable by definition because it’s new. But discomfort doesn’t mean stop. It means you’re moving in the right direction.

And I can tell you that the discomfort will disappear over time. Your mind adapts to almost everything, and those hard feelings at the beginning will become very normal to you. Every time I tell people how I live, how much sport I do, how many books I read, how many hours I work, and that I still go to bed at 10 pm and sleep well, they don’t believe it. It’s because I don’t have those inner conflicts or conversations with myself anymore about whether I should go running or do the work. I just do them because they feel easy to me now. And this is something you can also achieve.

6. Never Do Nothing

Some days you won’t feel like doing the thing. That’s fine. You’re human. But here’s the rule: never do nothing.

If you’re supposed to run 5km but you don’t feel like it: Run 1km. Or walk for 10 minutes. Just don’t skip entirely. I always go to the gym even when I don’t feel strong. When I’m there, I hear the music, I see other people working out, and then I’ll do 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer or something similar. Not the best training, but I was there, and that’s the most important thing.

Same for other goals:

If you’re supposed to work on your project for an hour but you’re exhausted: Work for 10 minutes. Write one sentence. Just don’t do nothing.

If you’re supposed to cook a healthy meal but you don’t have the energy: At least make a salad. At least skip the pizza and eat something neutral.

Why this matters:

The habit of showing up is more important than the quality of any single session. When you do nothing, you’re training yourself to do nothing. When you do something, even the bare minimum, you’re training yourself to show up.

Momentum beats perfection every time.

7. Remove or Reduce Misaligned People and Situations

This is uncomfortable to hear, but sometimes your environment includes people who are keeping you stuck.

The friends who always want to party when you’re trying to be healthy? You might need to see them less.

The relationship that keeps you small and scared? You might need to leave.

The job that drains every ounce of energy? You might need to plan an exit.

I’m not saying cut everyone out of your life. But you need to be honest about who supports your growth and who undermines it. Some people in your life are aligned with who you’re trying to become. Others are aligned with who you used to be.

You don’t owe anyone access to your life if they’re pulling you backward.

8. Make the Future Real Right Now

Your brain discounts future consequences. One pizza today doesn’t feel like a big deal. But here’s how to make it real:

Ask yourself: If I do this every day for the next year, where will I be?

If you eat pizza and drink beer every weekend for a year: You’ll gain weight, feel sluggish, and hate how you look.

If you watch Netflix every evening for a year instead of working on your project: You’ll be in the exact same place, still wishing you had started.

If you keep spending instead of saving for a year: You’ll have zero financial security and be one emergency away from crisis.

The question makes it real. It connects the choice you’re making right now to the inevitable outcome. And suddenly, one pizza doesn’t feel harmless anymore.

How I Closed My Own Gap

I’ll be honest with you. I spent years knowing what I should do and not doing it. I knew I should stop drinking so much. I didn’t. I knew I should leave bad relationships. I didn’t. I knew I should work on something meaningful. I didn’t.

What changed?

I stopped waiting for motivation. I changed my environment. I removed alcohol from my house. I ended the relationships that were keeping me stuck. I deleted Instagram because it was feeding my self-deception. I started running consistently, not because I felt like it, but because I decided that’s who I am now.

I tracked everything. I wrote down what I actually did every day, not what I planned to do. The gap between my stated goals and my actions became impossible to ignore.

And slowly, the identity shifted. I stopped being someone who “wants to be healthy” and became someone who runs and eats healthy every day (no cheat meals at all). I stopped being someone who “wants to write” and became someone who publishes every week. I stopped being someone who “plans to change” and became someone who actually does the work.

Today, I have a completely different life than I did three years ago. I’ve never been healthier, fitter, or happier in my whole life, and it’s not because I became rich or found the woman of my life. It’s because I started to be reliable to myself and take my goals and plans seriously, whatever it takes. I learned consistency, stopped complaining, and realized that I don’t actually need a lot to be happy.

It wasn’t fast. It wasn’t easy.

And you can do it too. Not because you’re special or disciplined or different. But because you’re willing to be honest about where you are and do the uncomfortable work of closing the gap.

It Won’t Be Perfect (And That’s Okay)

Alignment isn’t about perfection. You’ll still have days where you order pizza. Days where you skip the gym. Days where you watch Netflix instead of working on your project.

That’s being human.

But closing the gap even 50% changes everything. Going from doing nothing to doing something most of the time is the difference between staying stuck and actually building the life you want.

The life you say you want is on the other side of doing what you know you should do.

Not thinking about it. Not planning it. Not talking about it. Doing it.

You already know what you should do.

So why don’t you do it?

Now you know. And now you have no more excuses.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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The honeymoon phase was so exciting.

We didn’t want anything else, just to be with each other. It didn’t matter that we didn’t leave the apartment for a week because we cuddled and kissed for hours on the couch.

Other women became invisible to me, and every time I saw my girlfriend or even just thought about her, I had to smile.

Forever, together.

But every time, something changed.

It didn’t happen overnight. It took months until the relationship started to feel “normal.” We still cuddled a lot and were intimate often, but the days when we didn’t dress up to impress each other became more frequent. Jogging pants, Netflix shows, and the same restaurants started to fill our relationship. The kisses became quicker, less passionate.

That’s the normal way, right? At least that’s what people always told me about relationships. Everything becomes less exciting after a while. Stability, security, and routines describe your days.

It’s not that we didn’t love each other anymore, but we took each other for granted. A question started appearing in my mind more and more frequently: Is this it? Is this how we’ll live forever together? In jogging pants watching TV shows?

I remember when I noticed that the smile of the girl at the reception in my gym made me nervous. I felt my heartbeat, and on my way to the changing room, I had to smile. I knew that feeling very well because I felt the same with my girlfriend at the beginning.

So I asked myself: Why does this girl make me nervous? Why am I still thinking about her when my girlfriend is at home waiting for me? What happened?

When I asked myself if I still loved my girlfriend, the answer was definitely yes. But I was electrified by the other girl for a few minutes, for sure.

That’s when I realized: maybe the problem wasn’t my girlfriend. Maybe it was something else entirely.

I wasn’t falling out of love. I was falling asleep to it.

What Is Hedonic Adaptation?

We have all experienced it at least once in our lives. Something that made us incredibly happy gradually loses its power to excite us. When I got new sneakers as a child, I treated them like treasures. I cleaned them every time I wore them, admired them, showed them to everyone. But with time, I stopped caring. The treasures turned into regular shoes, and I felt the same as I did before I got them.

This happens with shoes, cars, clothes, the third week of your vacation, and yes, your romantic relationship as well.

This change in our perception doesn’t happen accidentally. The psychological process responsible for the fading of our excitement is called hedonic adaptation.

Our brain adapts to both good and bad things over time, and they stop feeling special. It is not that love disappears. It is that your brain stops reacting to what has become familiar because it is no longer new.

There are two paths through which hedonic adaptation occurs:

Path 1: Return to baseline well-being

Everyone has a baseline level of well-being, the emotional home you return to after positive or negative events. When something good happens, like getting a promotion or starting a new relationship, your happiness spikes. But over time, you adapt and return to your baseline. The same happens with negative events. After the initial pain, you gradually return to your baseline. This is why people can’t rely solely on relationships, material things, or external achievements to make them permanently happy. You always return to your own baseline anyway.

Side note: That is why you should work on your baseline happiness instead of chasing quick highs and letting your happiness and well-being depend on external factors like relationships or material things.

Path 2: Expectation shifts and taking things for granted

The second path is more insidious. As you adapt to positive changes, your expectations shift upward. What once felt special becomes the new normal, and you start taking it for granted.

For example, when you first started dating your partner, a simple text from them made your day. Their laugh was music. Holding their hand felt electric. But after months together, those same things stop registering as special. You expect the text. You tune out the laugh. Holding hands becomes automatic. Your baseline hasn’t necessarily changed, but your expectations have. You’ve unconsciously raised the bar for what counts as exciting or meaningful. The relationship hasn’t gotten worse, you have just stopped noticing what is good about it.

The same happens with salary increases. When you get a raise, you’re thrilled for a few weeks. But soon your lifestyle adjusts to match your new income. The extra money stops feeling like extra and becomes the new normal. Then you need an even bigger raise to feel that same excitement again.

In relationships, this expectation shift is dangerous because your partner hasn’t changed, but you’ve stopped appreciating what they offer. The romantic dinners that used to feel special now feel routine. The physical intimacy that once electrified you now feels expected. You start looking elsewhere for that novelty and excitement, not because your relationship is bad, but because your brain is wired to adapt.

Why Does Your Brain Do This?

Hedonic adaptation happens because our brain is protecting us.

It sounds like a paradox because why would our brain want to lessen our happiness when we are actually happy? But it makes sense when you think about it. Imagine if we all stayed in the honeymoon phase forever. You get a raise and become euphoric. Then you get your dream car and feel even more excited on top of that. Eventually, you’d end up overstimulated and burned out.

Our brain is designed to normalize both the best and worst parts of our lives so we don’t fall into deep depression after bad events and don’t burn out from constant excitement. The good news is that understanding this function gives us some control over it, allowing us to slow down the adaptation process and enjoy positive events for longer.

But before we look at methods to slow down adaptation, we also need to know what speeds it up.

What Makes Relationships Fade Faster

Routine and predictability

When every week looks the same, same restaurants, same conversations, same routines, excitement fades. The brain stops releasing dopamine because nothing surprises it anymore. Comfort turns into monotony.

Taking things for granted

At the beginning, you notice every little thing your partner does. Over time, those same gestures become expected. Gratitude fades, and you start focusing more on what’s missing than on what’s there.

High aspirations

If you constantly expect your partner or the relationship to make you happier, you’ll always feel disappointed. Chasing perfection means you never fully enjoy what you already have.

Too much togetherness without novelty

Spending all your time together can blur boundaries and reduce attraction. Without space or new experiences, desire fades because there’s nothing new to rediscover about each other.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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How to Slow It Down (Science-Backed Strategies)

The research is clear: hedonic adaptation is inevitable, but you’re not powerless against it. Here are five science-backed strategies to slow down adaptation and keep your relationship alive.

Inject Variety and Novelty

New experiences together keep the brain alert. Research shows that couples who try new activities report higher relationship satisfaction. The experiences do not have to be big. Trying a new restaurant, taking a different route on your walk, learning something together, or breaking small routines can make a difference. The brain associates the excitement from new activities with the relationship itself, creating positive emotional spillover.

What this looks like in practice: Instead of your usual Friday movie night, try a cooking class, visit a new neighborhood, go to a live music venue, or take up a sport together. The key is novelty that you experience together.

Practice Daily Appreciation

Research suggests that experiencing three positive emotions for every one negative emotion supports overall well-being. In relationships specifically, five positive interactions for every one negative interaction support long-term stability. Small gestures matter. Sincere compliments, noticing the good moments, and expressing gratitude for everyday actions all make a difference.

One powerful gratitude intervention that research has validated: spend time imagining what your life would be like if you had never met your partner. This mental subtraction exercise helps reset your appreciation by reminding you what you’d be missing. Studies show this significantly increases relationship satisfaction.

Reduce Negative Interactions

Research shows that negative moments are stronger and last longer than positive ones. Psychologists call this the “bad is stronger than good” effect. This means that being less critical can be more helpful for your relationship than planning more romantic dates. Address conflicts directly and constructively, but avoid nitpicking, contempt, and defensiveness. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your relationship is simply complain less.

Support Each Other’s Growth (The Michelangelo Phenomenon)

Research on the Michelangelo phenomenon shows that partners who help each other move toward their ideal selves create more satisfying, lasting relationships. Encourage your partner’s goals, affirm their actions and ideals, and celebrate their progress. When both partners are growing and evolving, the relationship stays dynamic. Personal stagnation kills relationships more quietly than conflict does.

Maintain Mindful Presence

Many people stop feeling happy in their relationships simply because they stop noticing what’s good. Mindful presence means actively paying attention to your partner and the positive aspects of your relationship rather than operating on autopilot. Notice when your partner does something thoughtful. Actually listen when they talk. Be present during intimate moments instead of thinking about tomorrow’s tasks.

A note on major life changes: Creating new positive changes like getting engaged, married, moving together, or having children can temporarily restart the adaptation process and create a new happiness boost. However, research shows these effects are usually temporary. The real work is in the daily practices above.

Conclusion

Hedonic adaptation is inevitable, but it is not irreversible. You cannot stop your brain from adjusting to what becomes familiar, that is just how we are wired. But you can keep it curious.

You can choose to notice. You can inject novelty. You can practice gratitude.

Love doesn’t fade because it’s meant to. It fades when it’s left unattended.

Looking back at my relationship, I wish I had understood this earlier. I wish I had known that the routine was not inevitable. It was a choice I was making unconsciously. I wish I had tried harder to notice the good instead of letting it blur into background noise. I wish I had created more novelty instead of settling into comfort.

The strength of a relationship doesn’t come from its beginning, when everything feels effortless and electric. It comes from the choice to stay awake to it, again and again. To keep choosing your partner even when the newness has worn off. To actively fight the drift toward complacency.

The magic doesn’t have to die. But you have to tend to it.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re working on getting to zero in any area of your life, or if this framework resonates with you, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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References

Bao, K. J., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Making it last: Combating hedonic adaptation in romantic relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 9(3), 196-206.

Lyubomirsky, S. (2010). Hedonic adaptation to positive and negative experiences. In S. Folkman (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Stress, Health, and Coping. Oxford University Press.

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There’s a conversation I’ve had many times at the gym. Someone tells me they want to lose belly fat, but it’s not working. They’re doing biceps curls while complaining. “Look at my belly, David! That’s what I want to lose.”

I ask about their workout. Usually, it’s fine. Then I ask about their diet.

“Well, I don’t like how vegetables taste.”

“Whole grain pasta is expensive, so I just eat regular pasta with sauce.”

“I do not drink much alcohol, just a couple of gin tonics with beer on the weekend.”

“I love to eat, David. We all need our rewards.”

They want to add more workouts. They’re not ready to stop drinking, eating junk food, or lying to themselves about what “moderation” means.

I recognize this pattern because I did the same thing for years. I told myself lies that sounded smart but kept me stuck. I believed I was trying when I was really just performing effort without getting results.

Here are 10 lies I stopped believing when I got real about change.

1. “I can out-exercise a bad diet”

You can, but you won’t. To burn off one doughnut, you’d need 30-40 minutes of running. Just one. But it sounds good because you don’t need to stop eating what you want, and you overestimate the effect of those two gym sessions a week.

Then you skip the gym because you’re tired, but you still ate the doughnut. Or that 500-calorie Frappuccino.

What actually works: Pay attention to your diet first. You can’t rely on the gym to fix what you’re eating every day.

2. “I’ll have a cheat meal on Saturday”

If you’re waiting for Saturday to finally eat your cheat meal, your diet is wrong. A diet isn’t about suffering all week and then rewarding yourself with a double-cheese pizza and eight beers. Everything you gained during the week, you demolish in one night.

I don’t believe in cheat meals, at least not at the beginning. Focus on making your regular meals enjoyable so you’re not counting down to Saturday.

What actually works: Spend time making your diet delicious and sustainable. Use AI for recipes if you need to. If you hate what you’re eating, you won’t stick with it.

3. “Morning routines will change my life”

Get up early, take a cold shower, journal, meditate, stretch and then you will have an amazing day. I wish it worked like that. But if you’ve been forcing yourself to get up early after going to bed late, you don’t have the energy to do any of it properly. The best morning routine can’t save you if you’re exhausted.

What actually works: Evening routines matter more. Stop scrolling two hours before bed. Don’t watch TV or eat heavy meals late. Go to bed by 10pm. When you sleep well, you wake up with energy. You don’t need an elaborate morning routine when you’re actually rested.

4. “Manifestation will make it happen”

Dream about it, visualize it, say it out loud, and it becomes reality. Having a positive mindset is important, but nobody has achieved anything by manifesting alone. Without action, it’s just lying to yourself loudly.

I used to write goals in journals and feel accomplished. I visualized success. Then I’d go back to scrolling Instagram and drinking beer. Nothing changed.

What actually works: Determination with action. Believe in yourself while working hard every day. Reflect on your actions and results. Adjust. Keep working. That’s the process that brings results. Say “I’m going to do this” with confidence, then do the work. Don’t say “I’m amazing and rich” and wait for a miracle.

5. “I need the right gear first”

I recognize myself here completely. I bought a GoPro, expensive Canon camera, microphone, iPhone, all the gadgets. Then I had all these things around me, less money, and I hadn’t typed a single word or sold anything.

It’s fun to upgrade gear when you’re getting better and actually understand why a $1,000 camera costs that much. But buying it first doesn’t make you a filmmaker.

What actually works: Start with what you have. Want to try running? Buy cheap shoes first. Want to make videos? Use your phone. Want to read more? Read the books you already own. Put in the work first. Upgrade later when you’ve earned it.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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6. “I’m going to [big goal]” (without doing anything)

The romantic feeling you get when you announce your big goal. There’s your family, your friends. You make a speech about change. Everyone cheers. You feel like you’ve already arrived.

But most people who announce big moves don’t even know what they’re talking about. They say they’ll run a marathon, then skip their first three-hour Saturday training. They want to quit alcohol, then get shaky legs when their coworkers invite them to an after work event in a nearby bar.

Our goals look easier in our minds than in reality. And many of us fail in the first week.

What actually works: Don’t announce your goals. Don’t decide your goal is a marathon if you haven’t run two kilometers yet. Start small. Test those first steps. After a couple of months, if you’re still doing it, then you can set a bigger goal. But still, do not announce it.

7. “I’ll start on Monday”

Let’s be honest, we have all said this.

The future start date that never arrives. We want to start on Monday, but then there’s a meeting. Or a stressful day. Or we just don’t have the motivation.

It’s like breaking up with someone. The time is never right. So we push it to next month, but then there’s Christmas. Then a family dinner. Then a birthday. We keep pushing the start endlessly while lying to ourselves that we’ll do it Monday.

What actually works: Leave the first day behind you. Want to write? Write 300 words today. Want to run? Go out and run 1km around the block. Now you’ve started. Your mind does not have the pressure of starting anymore, you are thinking about how to do it better next time. You’re already in action. That’s the whole point.

8. “When I achieve X, then I’ll be happy”

People spend their whole life waiting for that particular event. When I get the job, then I’ll rest more. When I have that amount of money, then I’ll travel. When I have the girlfriend, then I’ll work less.

What if you never achieve X? Then you’ll never do anything except wait. And if you wait too long, you won’t be able to stop doing what you’re doing now. If you’ve worked 20 years without rest, do you really think you’ll suddenly stop when you achieve X? This is just an excuse not to do what you want because you don’t actually want it.

What actually works: Ask yourself why you’re not happy today. Don’t make your happiness depend on future goals. Build it now.

9. “Self-care means treating myself”

Bubble bath, expensive steak dinner, a few drinks to unwind. We call it self-care, but it’s really just hedonism. It feels good in the moment, but it doesn’t fix anything.

I used to think self-care meant rewarding myself with things that felt good. Ordering takeout after a hard day. Having beers on Friday because I “earned it.” Sleeping in because I was “exhausted.”

Real self-care isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it’s going to bed early when you want to stay up. Saying no to plans when you’re drained. Having a hard conversation instead of avoiding it. Cooking a healthy meal when you’d rather order pizza.

What actually works: Self-care is doing what your future self will thank you for, not what feels good right now.

10. “I need to research more before I start”

One more article. One more YouTube video. One more course. Just a bit more research and then you’ll be ready to start.

But you’re never ready. There’s always more to learn. Research becomes a way to feel productive without doing anything. You’re learning about running instead of running. Reading about writing instead of writing. Watching videos about starting a business instead of starting one.

I spent months “researching” how to build a newsletter before I wrote a single article. All that research didn’t help. The first article I published taught me more than 50 articles about writing.

What actually works: Start badly. Learn by doing. You can research while you work, but you can’t work while you endlessly research.

Stop Lying, Start Living

These 10 lies sound smart. They feel productive. They let you believe you’re trying.

But they keep you exactly where you are.

I believed all of them. They kept me stuck for years. The moment I stopped believing them and started getting honest about what actually works, everything changed.

Stop lying to yourself. Get uncomfortable. Do the work.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I always thought I passionately loved to travel, and that was the only reason I booked so many flights to different places earlier in my life.

The feeling of looking out the airplane window as it took off always gave me a huge sense of relief. I felt light watching the city get smaller as we gained altitude.

Usually, I ordered a drink and celebrated being alone while everything that annoyed me in my daily life faded away. Sometimes it didn’t even matter where I was heading, as long as it was far from home.

I felt similarly liberated when I moved from one town to another, leaving everything behind, burning bridges, and starting over.

When my ex-girlfriend spent weekends with her parents, I felt the same.

Relief, relief, and more relief.

Eventually, I asked myself why I loved those moments so much, leaving everything behind permanently or just for a while.

Why did escaping give me such mental ease?

Then there’s the other side of the coin: moments when I look forward to doing something. When I don’t feel relief after finishing an activity, but satisfaction.

On days when I have a running session, I look forward to lacing my shoes and getting into the daily challenge. My goal isn’t to finish as quickly as possible but to do my best. It feels important, and I’m not just rushing through the training but paying attention to details like my running form, cadence, and step length.

The difference between these two states—running away versus running toward—isn’t always obvious in the moment.

But over time, I’ve learned to recognize the signs.

Signs You’re Running Away

There are plenty of signs that can help you recognize when you’re running away from something. Unfortunately, many of us aren’t aware of our feelings or able to identify them properly. Here are the most common signs that you might be running away from something in your life.

Constant distraction

If you constantly fill your time with work, social media, errands, or exercise to avoid quiet moments, you might be running from something inside.

Example: You spend 10 hours a day at the gym or running, not just for fitness, but to avoid thinking about a relationship issue or a stressful life choice. This is something I used to do regularly.

Emotional numbness

If you rarely feel your emotions deeply and avoid moments that might trigger sadness, anger, or fear, you may be avoiding underlying pain.

Example: You scroll through your phone or binge-watch shows whenever you start feeling stressed, instead of acknowledging your feelings.

Over-rationalizing everything

If you try to explain away your feelings logically instead of experiencing them, you may be running from emotional truths.

Example: Instead of acknowledging hurt from a friend’s comment, you tell yourself “I’m overthinking it, it doesn’t matter” repeatedly.

Sudden changes in direction

If you frequently switch jobs, cities, or relationships when things get emotionally challenging, it might indicate avoidance.

Example: You move to a new city right when a relationship gets serious or stressful, rather than facing the issues. This was my favorite escape method earlier in my life.

Difficulty being alone

If you feel anxious, bored, or restless when alone, it may indicate you’re avoiding your own thoughts or emotions.

Example: You always need to hang out with friends or watch TV when home alone, so you don’t have to reflect on life choices or feelings.

Fear of slowing down

If you feel guilty or anxious when resting, you may be avoiding vulnerability or suppressed emotions.

Example: You skip rest days, avoid quiet evenings, or feel you must always be “productive,” so you don’t have to confront lingering sadness or uncertainty.

Perfectionism or over-achievement

If you overwork, over-plan, or aim for constant perfection to avoid feeling insecure or inadequate, you’re running from self-doubt or fear.

Example: You take on extra projects or train excessively to avoid confronting feelings of failure or not being enough.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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Signs You’re Running Toward

As I mentioned in the beginning, there’s another side of the coin.

When we’re running toward something because we’ve decided to. This positive movement has its own signs too.

You actively pursue meaningful goals

If you consistently take steps toward long-term personal or professional goals, you’re running toward growth.

Example: You set a fitness or skill goal and plan weekly actions to achieve it, even when it’s hard.

You face emotions intentionally

If you allow yourself to feel and process emotions instead of avoiding them, you’re running toward self-awareness.

Example: After a conflict with a friend, you reflect on your feelings, journal about it, or have a difficult conversation instead of pretending nothing happened.

You seek learning and growth

If you deliberately challenge yourself, try new things, and embrace discomfort as a learning opportunity, you’re running toward personal development.

Example: You take on a public speaking role even though it scares you, because you know it will improve your skills and confidence.

You take responsibility for your actions

If you acknowledge mistakes and take steps to correct them, you’re running toward maturity and accountability.

Example: You admit a mistake at work and propose a solution rather than deflecting blame or making excuses.

You set boundaries to protect your growth

If you say no to things that drain your energy or distract you from your goals, you’re running toward self-care and focus.

Example: You politely decline a social invitation to finish a project that matters to your career or health.

You help and contribute

If you actively support others or contribute to causes you care about, you’re running toward meaning and connection.

Example: You volunteer, mentor someone, or assist colleagues, even when it requires extra effort and gives you nothing in return.

You reflect and plan

If you spend time understanding your motivations and making conscious decisions, you’re running toward clarity and purpose.

Example: You journal, meditate, or plan your week based on what truly matters to you, not just what’s urgent or demanding attention.

How to Check Yourself

The real challenge isn’t just knowing these signs exist.

It’s catching yourself in the act.

Here’s how I learned to check in with myself.

Step 1: Self-Reflection

Answer these questions honestly for each situation you want to evaluate:

Signs you might be running away:

• Am I avoiding thinking about or feeling something uncomfortable?

• Do I keep myself busy all the time so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts?

• Do I switch jobs, projects, or relationships whenever things start to get hard?

• Am I trying to think my way out of emotions or distract myself through overworking or overachieving?

• Do I get restless or anxious when I’m not doing anything?

Signs you might be running toward something:

• Am I taking steps to grow, even when it feels uncomfortable?

• Do I face my emotions, reflect on them, and try to learn from what they tell me?

• Am I putting my time and energy into goals or relationships that really matter to me?

• Do I challenge myself in ways that align with my values and what I care about?

• Do I focus more on clarity, purpose, and long-term meaning than on quick distractions?

Step 2: Daily Check-In

At the end of each day, answer these briefly in a journal or note:

• Activity: What did I do today?

• Motivation: Did I do it to avoid something or to move toward something meaningful?

• Feeling: How did I feel before, during, and after the activity?

Example:

• Activity: Went for a long run

• Motivation: To avoid thinking about a stressful conversation

• Feeling: Energized physically, but still anxious emotionally

This helps you spot patterns over time.

Step 3: The “Why Test” (My Personal Favorite)

For any activity or decision, ask yourself:

• Why am I doing this?

• Will this action move me toward something I care about, or am I avoiding something I don’t want to face?

These simple questions trigger your mind to pause and think about your actions before they become automatic patterns.

Conclusion

The truth is, we all run away sometimes.

I still catch myself booking flights when life feels heavy or rushing through a task at work because I want to escape the discomfort, the lack of reward, and the difficulties.

The difference now is that I notice it.

I can ask myself: Am I running away from something, or toward something?

Both types of running will always be part of life.

The goal isn’t to never run away.

It’s to recognize when you are, and to choose more often to run toward the things that truly matter.

This is also the reason I’m running towards my future home, running home.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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In my previous article, I explained why so many of us struggle to recognize our true interests - the childhood roots and daily mechanisms that make our patterns invisible.

If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend starting there.

In this article, I’m going to show you my complete interest map: the recurring patterns I finally recognized after 35 years of looking past them.

Then I’ll give you a practical framework for discovering your own hidden interests and moving from recognition to actually living aligned with what you love.

But first, I need to tell you how I even started seeing these patterns, because understanding my turning point might help you recognize yours.

The Turning Point: When I Finally Started Seeing

For most of my life, I kept myself busy enough not to think too deeply. I worked, drank with friends, dated, moved between cities. I wasn’t miserable, but I also wasn’t paying attention. I had no clear direction, so I hoped someone else - a partner, a job, external circumstances - would provide one for me. At 35, a relationship ended badly. The kind of heartbreak that makes you unable to function normally for weeks. But instead of immediately distracting myself the way I always had, something shifted. Maybe I was too exhausted to run from it. Maybe I had finally run out of distractions that worked. I spent months walking alone, sitting with discomfort, letting emotions surface without pushing them away. This wasn’t a conscious choice to ‘work on myself’, it was just what happened when I stopped automatically numbing everything. That sustained time alone, that forced stillness, created something unexpected: awareness.

Not the inspirational kind you read about in self-help books. Just noticing. Noticing my thoughts. Noticing what I kept thinking about. Noticing patterns in my own history that I’d never paid attention to before. The interests didn’t suddenly appear. They had always been there. I just finally had the space and attention to see them.

Before I show you what I found, I want to be honest about what this process actually looks like. Recognizing your true interests doesn’t happen overnight. You can’t force sudden clarity by staring at your past and demanding answers. The process requires time, patience, and a willingness to let insights emerge naturally rather than wrestling them into existence. My deepest realizations came during walks and runs, moments when I caught myself smiling at a memory, felt an unexpected emotion rise up, or suddenly understood why certain experiences kept repeating. These insights arrived quietly, in the spaces between thoughts, not through aggressive self-analysis.

If you’re reading these words right now, you’ve already taken the first step. From this point forward, you’ll know what to pay attention to. The patterns will start revealing themselves, not because you’re forcing them, but because you’re finally watching for them. Here’s what I found when I started looking.

My Interest Map: 35 Years of Hidden Patterns

Biology & the Natural World

Early ages: Everyone around me knew I loved animals and plants. My favorite books were field guides about wildlife, the underwater world, trees, and specific animal groups. At the end of each school year, my teachers gave me biology books as rewards because they recognized this pattern in me. I excelled in biology throughout elementary school and later in gymnasium - not because I was forced to study it, but because I genuinely wanted to understand how living things worked.

The pattern I missed: I never once considered studying biology or pursuing anything related to natural sciences. When my mother suggested law or medicine, biology didn’t even cross my mind as an option, despite spending hundreds of hours voluntarily reading about it.

Present day: This interest never disappeared. When I travel, I prioritize visiting wildlife sanctuaries and aquariums, not as tourist attractions, but because I’m genuinely curious. My current deep interest in health and longevity is a direct extension of that childhood fascination with how living organisms function. The interest evolved from “how do animals work” to “how does my body work and how can I optimize it.”

Geography & Exploring the World

Early ages: My father and I spent hours with the world atlas. He would point out countries, islands, volcanoes, and mountain ranges, then quiz me: “What’s the capital?” or “Which continent is this on?” The atlas was one of my favorite “toys.” I was fascinated by remote places, the Cook Islands, Madagascar, the Gobi Desert. Geography was one of the few subjects in school where studying felt effortless. I genuinely enjoyed learning about our world.

The pattern I missed: Geography was even less visible to me than biology. It felt like play, not a real interest. I never realized how much more I knew about the world compared to my classmates, countries, capitals, continents, landscapes, because it came so naturally to me that it seemed normal.

Present day: That childhood fascination transformed into a love for travel. I’m drawn to places most people skip, remote areas in Siberia, Antarctica, uninhabited islands. The best part of planning any trip is spending hours on Google Maps exploring routes and terrain. I love vintage maps, watch weather patterns and thunderstorms, and feel genuine awe at natural forces like wind and ocean waves. The interest never left, it just expanded.

Filmmaking & Visual Storytelling

Early ages: I didn’t just watch movies, I daydreamed about how I would shoot scenes from my own life, complete with the perfect soundtrack. In elementary school, I ran the school radio station and spent hours perfecting the music transitions and presentation, obsessing over details that no one else seemed to care about. When we got assigned to shoot a movie with the school camera, I was in my element. I directed my classmates, choreographed scenes, and loved every moment of creating something visual.

University (Media & Communication): Most of my coursework felt like a chore, anthropology, communication theory, history. But the film seminar? I was completely engaged. We had to create a stop-motion video using images and music, and I entered the same flow state I had experienced in elementary school. Time disappeared when I was working on it.

University 2 (Web Design): I switched to studying web design and development, which turned out to be a poor fit. But when we had to create a video project, I came alive again. I made the best film in the class and enjoyed every second of the process, even though I was struggling with the design work.

The pattern I missed: I kept dismissing these moments as isolated experiences. I never connected that I entered flow state every time I worked on visual storytelling. My mind became active and creative immediately. I’d finish one project disappointed that I couldn’t make ten more, because I had so many ideas.

Present day: I still love films deeply. I research actors, directors, and composers in ways that make people call me a film nerd. The daydreaming never stopped, I still imagine how I’d shoot scenes when the light hits a certain way or the weather creates a mood. I know eventually I’ll make space to shoot short films again, not as a career, but because this part of me needs expression.

Writing & Creating Content

Early ages: In elementary school, many of my classmates struggled to write half a page during literature or history exams. Even when I wasn’t perfectly prepared, I could easily fill four or five pages. The writing wasn’t sophisticated, but ideas flowed naturally. I never felt stuck staring at a blank page.

Early adult life: Once I had financial stability, I kept asking myself the same question, “What am I passionate about?” The answer was always the same, start a blog, buy a camera, learn Photoshop, create professional content. I launched a travel blog, an online marketing blog, a business consulting blog, a personal development blog. Each time I thought, “This is it. This time I’ll stick with it.” Each time I eventually abandoned it.

The pattern I missed: It took 35 years to recognize this as a recurring pattern. I focused on the “failed” blogs instead of the fact that I kept returning to writing. My friends didn’t repeatedly start blogs. Most people I knew tried once, maybe twice, then moved on. But I kept coming back, over and over, because something in me needed to write and create.

Present day: I finally gave this interest proper space by writing on Substack. The difference now is I have dropped the perfectionism and external validation. I write because it is part of who I am, not to prove anything. I know I would keep returning to this anyway, so there is no point quitting just because I am not the most successful writer. The goal is not success, it is living out this need to write my thoughts, create content, and connect with people in my own introverted way.

Running & Physical Movement

Early ages: In elementary school, I was part of the athletic team and the second-fastest runner in my class. I was an insecure kid, and my parents did not push me to join sports teams outside of school, so I never pursued it seriously. But running was already part of my life. I remember going for runs with my childhood friend just because we wanted to, something unusual in the small town where I grew up. At thirteen, we started going to the gym together. The gym environment became familiar to me very early.

Early adult life: Every time I moved to a new city for work, the first things I did were find the local gym and scout running routes. I did not think about it consciously, it was just natural, an intrinsic motivation to move my body. I cannot remember any extended period, except maybe university, when I did not do some form of exercise. It never felt like a chore or something I had to force myself to do. It was simply part of my lifestyle.

The pattern I missed: Looking back, the pattern was obvious. But if someone had asked about my interests, I would never have said “running” or “sport.” I didn’t realize that most people don’t immediately check out gyms when they move to a new city, or go running as soon as they can. It felt normal to me, so I assumed everyone did it.

Present day: I do not have exceptional genetics. My body does not respond dramatically to resistance training, and my biomechanics are not ideal for being an elite athlete. But sport gives me immense joy, and being part of the running and gym community is essential to who I am. Since recognizing this pattern, I have leaned into it more deliberately. I run marathons to meet like-minded people, I talk to others at the gym and make new friends. I am aware of this interest now, and I actively support myself in getting more of it.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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The Framework: From Recognition to Living Aligned

Hopefully my interest map will help you start recognizing patterns that have been invisible to you.

Now I want to give you the complete framework for going from recognition to alignment, where your behavior actually reflects your true interests.

Stage One: Awareness - Finding What Was Always There

As you saw in my interest map, many patterns were already visible in childhood or early adult life.

This is where you should start with your own awareness work.

The Most Important Rule: Don’t Judge

When you start creating your own interest map, memories and patterns will surface, but remember, your filtering system is still active. It can shut down the entire process before you even consider a pattern as valid.

Here’s how it works: You remember that you were always the entertainer as a kid. Immediately, your filter responds: “Oh, that’s silly. That’s not a real pattern.” This is the exact mechanism from the first article, your ego protecting you from acknowledging something that might threaten your current identity.

The solution?

Write it down anyway. Don’t evaluate, don’t dismiss, don’t decide if it’s “significant enough.” Just capture it. Move to the next pattern. Judge nothing in this stage.

Questions to Guide Your Search:

• What activities appeared in multiple life phases, regardless of circumstances?

• When did you lose track of time?

• What did you keep returning to even without encouragement or support?

• What did others notice about you that you dismissed or minimized?

• What felt effortless when others found it difficult?

• What did you do “just because” without external reward?

Practical Tip: Create a note in your phone specifically for this. Insights often arrive during walks, runs, or quiet moments, not when you are actively trying to analyze yourself. If you do not capture them immediately, they disappear. I lost dozens of realizations before I started doing this.

Going Deeper Than the List

Awareness isn’t just cataloging activities. It means understanding what these interests reveal about your values, strengths, and authentic preferences.

My repeated blog attempts weren’t just about writing. They revealed that I value self-expression, processing ideas through language, and connecting with others through shared insights. Running in every new city wasn’t just exercise. It showed I value solitude, physical challenge, and processing emotions through movement.

Your interest map will give you more than a list of activities. It reveals the why behind them, what matters to you at a fundamental level. This understanding becomes crucial in the next stages when you need to make decisions about how to integrate these interests into your life.

Stage Two: Acceptance - Making Peace With What You Find

This is the hardest stage because it requires confronting the gap between your true interests and what you learned was acceptable.

Awareness shows you the patterns. Acceptance asks you to make peace with them, even when they conflict with your internalized standards.

Recognizing Resistance

As you look at your interest map, pay attention to the thoughts that arise:

• “That interest isn’t practical”

• “It’s too late to pursue that”

• “Other people will judge me”

• “That’s silly - nobody has this interest”

• “I’m too old to start now”

• “It won’t make money, so what’s the point?”

These thoughts signal that your ego is still protecting the old identity. They’re not facts. They’re the same filtering system from childhood, still running on autopilot.

Practice: Name the Voice

When you notice resistance, do not fight it. Simply acknowledge it:

“There’s the voice that says this isn’t practical” or “There’s the voice that’s afraid of judgment.”

Naming it creates distance. You are not the voice, you are the person observing the voice. This small shift makes the resistance lose power.

Processing Grief and Regret

Many people feel anger or sadness when they realize how long they ignored their true interests.

I would love to go back to the moment when I had to decide what to study and do it differently.

But I can’t. None of us can.

If you get stuck in “I wasted ten years in the wrong career,” you cannot move forward.

The regret becomes another trap.

Practice: The “And Now” Exercise

When regret surfaces, acknowledge it fully, then add “and now”:

• “I spent a decade ignoring my love for writing... and now I can finally give it space.”

• “I never pursued biology when I had the chance... and now I understand why, and I can explore health and longevity instead.”

• “I dismissed my interest in filmmaking for years... and now I know it’s been waiting for me.”

The “and now” shifts your focus from what you lost to what you can do with your remaining time.

It doesn’t erase the grief, but it prevents you from drowning in it.

Reframing Your Interests as Legitimate

The acceptance stage requires seeing your interests as inherently valuable, even if they don’t fit conventional success metrics. This might mean accepting that you’re genuinely drawn to something quiet and non-prestigious like gardening, poetry, or bird-watching. Or accepting that you want something your parents dismissed as impractical.

Practice: Complete This Statement

For each interest on your map, write:

“I give myself permission to be interested in [interest] even though [the old standard that dismissed it].”

Examples from my life:

• “I give myself permission to be interested in biology even though it’s not a high-status, well-paid career.”

• “I give myself permission to write on Substack even though I’m not the most successful writer and never will be.”

• “I give myself permission to love running even though I don’t have elite genetics and will never win a marathon.”

Say these statements out loud if possible. Your nervous system needs to hear you claim these interests as valid, not just think about them abstractly.

The Research on Acceptance

Research shows that acceptance means a willingness to acknowledge your feelings, values, and aspects of yourself without judgment. It’s not about liking everything you find. It’s about stopping the internal war against parts of yourself that have always been there.

You don’t have to love that you spent years ignoring your interests.

You just have to stop punishing yourself for it. That is what acceptance actually means, ending the punishment and making room for what is true.

Moving Forward

Acceptance isn’t a one-time event. You’ll cycle through resistance, grief, and reframing many times. Each time you notice a dismissive thought, you have a choice: believe it and stay stuck, or acknowledge it and keep moving. The more you practice choosing the second option, the easier it becomes.

Once you can look at your interest map without shame, regret, or the need to justify why these interests matter, you are ready for alignment.

Stage Three: Alignment - Living According to Your Interests

Once you have awareness and acceptance, the question becomes: how do you actually incorporate these interests into your life?

Start Small, Not Dramatic

The alignment stage does not mean you must immediately quit your job and completely restructure your life around your newly recognized interests.

That kind of all-or-nothing thinking often leads to paralysis or reckless decisions.

Instead, start with small experiments that honor your interests without requiring life upheaval.

For example, if you recognize a genuine interest in psychology you’ve been ignoring, alignment might start with:

• Reading one psychology book per month

• Listening to psychology podcasts during your commute

• Taking a free online course on weekends

• Following psychology researchers on social media

These small actions honor the interest without dramatic change. Over time, they might lead to bigger decisions like pursuing therapy training or changing careers, but they start small and sustainable.

My Running Example

When I recognized my running pattern, I didn’t immediately sign up for a marathon.

I started by making running visible instead of automatic.

I stopped running blindly and started:

• Celebrating the interest by buying proper running shoes

• Tracking my progress with an app

• Watching YouTube videos about running technique

• Planning dedicated time for runs instead of fitting them in randomly

This shift from “something I just do” to “an interest I actively honor” made a huge difference.

Running became an intentional part of my identity, not just a habit I never thought about. Only after months of this intentional practice did I sign up for my first marathon.

Navigating the Obstacles

Being an adult means you have already built a life, with obligations, routines, and expectations. Two major obstacles will appear when you try to align your behavior with your interests.

Obstacle 1: Time

You feel like you have no time for your interests because your job and obligations fill every hour.

The Solution: Audit and Reallocate

You do not create time, you reallocate it from activities that drain you without providing value.

Track one week honestly:

• How much time do you spend scrolling social media?

• How much time goes to TV shows you’re not actually enjoying?

• How many obligations could you say no to?

• Which social commitments leave you depleted rather than energized?

Most people find 5-10 hours per week of time they’re currently wasting on things that don’t matter to them. Redirect even 2-3 hours toward your genuine interests and you’ll feel the difference immediately.

Practice: The 30-Minute Rule

Commit to spending just 30 minutes, three times per week, on one interest from your map. That is 90 minutes total, less time than most people spend on social media in a single day. If you cannot find 90 minutes per week, the problem is not time. It is that you have not accepted this interest as legitimate yet. Go back to Stage Two.

Obstacle 2: Fear of Judgment

You’re afraid of what others will think when you start honoring interests they might see as impractical, weird, or self-indulgent.

The Solution: Start Private, Then Selective

You don’t need to announce your interests to everyone immediately. Start private:

• Read about psychology without telling anyone

• Write in a private journal before starting a public blog

• Take photos for yourself before sharing them

As the interest becomes more integrated into your life, you’ll naturally share it with people who are curious and supportive. You’ll also care less about judgment from people who dismiss what matters to you.

Practice: The “Inner Circle First” Approach

Share your interest with one person you trust. Say something like: “I’ve realized I’m really interested in [interest], and I’m going to start exploring it more.” Their response will tell you whether they’re someone who can support this part of you. Build your circle of support gradually, with people who celebrate rather than diminish what you love.

Testing Whether Alignment Works

Research shows that pursuing goals aligned with your values and interests leads to greater achievement and happiness. But you do not have to take that on faith, you can test it yourself.

Practice: The 30-Day Alignment Experiment

1. Choose one interest from your map

2. Commit to spending 30 minutes, three times per week, on it for 30 days

3. At the start, rate your overall life satisfaction and sense of fulfillment (1-10)

4. After 30 days, rate them again

Most people find their scores increase, even if nothing else in their life changed. This evidence counters the internalized voice that says pursuing your interests is selfish or pointless. It is not, it is what makes you feel alive.

Alignment is Ongoing, Not Complete

You won’t perfectly align your entire life with all your interests immediately. Some interests will get more space than others. Some will fade as new ones emerge. Some will wait years before you can fully pursue them.

That’s normal.

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is movement from “ignoring what I love” toward “making space for what matters.” Even small movement in that direction changes how you experience your life.

You are building a life where your behavior reflects who you actually are, not who you learned you should be. That work does not end, it evolves.

Conclusion

The interests were always there.

The patterns were always visible. You just needed to know where to look.

Now you have the map. You have seen mine, and you have the tools to create yours. The three stages, awareness, acceptance, alignment, are not steps you complete once. They are a cycle you will return to throughout your life as new interests emerge and old ones evolve.

You do not need to have everything figured out today. You just need to start paying attention.

Start with one interest. Spend 30 minutes with it this week. Notice how it feels to finally give it space.

That is how you begin Running Home.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

Leave a comment

References

Carlson, E. N. (2013). Overcoming the barriers to self-knowledge: Mindfulness as a path to seeing yourself as you really are. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(2), 173-186.

Pham, L. B., & Taylor, S. E. (2021). Self-connection and well-being: Development and validation of a self-connection scale. Journal of Research in Personality, Studies 1-2 on the awareness → acceptance → alignment framework.

Note: Some academic studies may be behind paywalls. Where available, I’ve linked to abstracts which provide summaries of the research findings discussed in this article.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you’re doing a job that doesn’t interest you at all?

How did you end up there? And why do your only hobbies seem to be eating, drinking, and watching movies?

You might think you never had any real interests to pursue.

That this unfulfilling situation was the only option you could find.

If that’s how you feel, I believe you completely.

I was there once too.

But what if I told you that you have many different interests, and that you could live a more fulfilled life or even change careers by reconnecting with what you actually love?

The problem was never that you were empty.

You were made blind by external factors.

Today I’ll show you how you lost your sight regarding your interests and passions, and why this happened to so many of us.

How I Ended Up in the Wrong Job

To help you understand the problem better, I want to share my own experience of not recognizing my interests early in life.

At the end of gymnasium, my homeroom teacher asked me what I wanted to study, and I didn’t have an answer. Back then, despite my good grades, it was clear to me that I didn’t have any real interests. So I turned to my parents for advice about that life-shaping question:

What should I study?

My mother told me that being a lawyer or a doctor was best because those professions were well paid and had high status in society. I took a closer look. But when I realized how much studying it would take, I began to doubt whether I was capable of studying medicine or law. So I went back to my parents and asked them what else I could study.

My mother said that I talk a lot, so she came up with another idea: to study media. She already imagined me as a famous talk show host who earns well.

That idea seemed better than law, so I actually went to a media school.

Unfortunately, at that time nobody noticed that I was an introverted kid whose legs turned to jelly whenever I had to speak in front of others. No one pointed out that I loved flipping through biology books about animals and plants, or that I enjoyed looking at the atlas and exploring countries and islands.

The problem was not that I didn’t have interests.

The problem was that I didn’t recognize them.

So I went to media school, where most subjects felt like a chore. Nothing caught my attention except a single film theory seminar, but I didn’t recognize that signal either.

After graduation, I ended up in a junior IT administration program. I could learn it easily because I had an affinity for technology, and it paid the bills.

The job chose me.

I didn’t choose it.

Since then, I’ve built a career as a data analyst, but the job doesn’t mean much to me. I never read about data on weekends, and after five p.m. I forget about work completely. After years of stable income and security, I finally had the luxury to ask a different question.

Back then, there was a lot of hype around finding your passion, and it affected me too.

So I asked myself:

What am I interested in? (Thinking it should replace the job I was doing.)

It would have been nice if someone had come to me and said:

David, you love biology. You spent hours reading those books as a kid.

You are interested in geography. You used to explore the atlas and dream about remote places like deserts and mountains.

You filmed short movies and loved the process.

You started four or five blogs and read constantly as a child.

You loved sports. As a teenager, you were on the athletic team, and you still run in every new city you move to.

Those signs were all there, but I never recognized them. They were invisible patterns in my own story.

And this does not just happen to me.

It happens to many of us.

It is not our fault.

There are several research-backed reasons why we cannot see our own interests.

And more importantly, there is a way out.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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Where the Blindness Begins

To understand why this happens to so many of us, we need to look at the roots of the problem. Why do we struggle to recognize patterns of our interests? Sometimes these patterns appear right in front of us. We see them many times, but we simply do not pick them up because they do not fit into our mental framework. In other cases, we refuse to accept that a certain interest even exists. This happens unconsciously, in a kind of autopilot mode.

Research shows that a lack of self-acceptance does not only make us feel bad about ourselves. It also prevents us from seeing certain parts of who we are.

A 2023 study defined lack of self-acceptance as “the rejection of certain emotions, behaviors, or beliefs about oneself, accompanied by resistance to these aspects emerging.”

In other words, when we cannot accept a part of ourselves or one of our interests, our mind creates resistance.

We do not just feel uncomfortable about it. We literally stop seeing it.

This happens through what psychologists call motivational barriers. When certain information threatens our sense of being acceptable or good enough, the ego protects us by making that information less visible. It is not a conscious process. The mind simply filters out interests that feel unsafe to acknowledge, just as mine filtered out biology and geography because they did not align with what my parents valued.

But why do we lack self-acceptance at an early age?

A 2024 study on self-acceptance identified three main categories of adversity that can prevent us from developing a healthy sense of self-acceptance. It is important to note that these categories often overlap and are not entirely separate from each other.

Intrapersonal Adversity

People who have experienced physical or existential threats learn to stay in a constant state of alertness and protection. These events, such as war or serious illness, can prevent you from accessing your emotions.

• You stop trusting your own body and feelings. For instance, if you learned as a child that strong emotions were dangerous, you might later reject or numb emotions as an adult, even feelings of joy.

• You start seeing vulnerability as weakness. Instead of accepting fear, sadness, or pain as natural parts of being human, you judge or hide them.

• You build a false self that focuses on control and safety instead of authenticity and acceptance.

Over time, this leads to perfectionism, overthinking, or emotional detachment as ways to defend against the fear rooted in earlier threats.

When survival feels uncertain, exploring interests becomes a luxury you cannot afford. Your mind learns to ignore anything that does not relate to safety and control, including curiosity and passion.

Intrapersonal adversity teaches people that being themselves is unsafe, making genuine self-acceptance impossible until they rebuild a sense of inner safety.

Interpersonal Adversity

Our relationships with parents and caregivers shape how we see ourselves and what we allow ourselves to want. These patterns often make our true interests invisible.

1. Conditional Love

Your parents only praised you when you brought home good grades or won competitions. Affection came with conditions: be successful, be impressive, be worthy.

What you learned: “I am only lovable when I achieve something important.”

What became invisible: Your love for cooking, gardening, or playing music — anything small, quiet, or “just for fun.” These activities could not make you feel worthy, so your mind filtered them out as irrelevant.

2. Strict Standards

Your parents only respected certain careers such as doctor, lawyer, or engineer. Anything creative or unconventional was dismissed as “not a real job” or “a waste of potential.”

What you learned: “Only certain paths are acceptable. Everything else is failure.”

What became invisible: Your interest in writing, art, working with animals, or teaching children. Your mind learned to skip over these ideas as “not serious enough” before you even considered them.

3. Controlled Autonomy

Your parents made every decision for you, including what you wore, which activities you joined, and who you spent time with. When you showed interest in something they did not approve of, they redirected you “for your own good.”

What you learned: “My wants do not matter. Others know better than I do.”

What became invisible: Any interest that felt truly yours. You stopped noticing what excited you because you learned not to trust your own preferences.

4. Emotional Invalidation

When you were scared, your parents said “don’t be dramatic.” When you were sad, they told you to “toughen up.” Your feelings were treated as problems to fix rather than signals to understand.

What you learned: “My feelings are wrong. I should not trust what I feel.”

What became invisible: Careers in therapy, counseling, or any work requiring emotional intelligence, because you learned your emotional instincts were unreliable. Or creative pursuits that require vulnerability.

Socio-cultural Adversity

Sometimes the pressure does not come from parents, caregivers, or personal crises. It comes from the world around us telling us who we are allowed to be.

1. Immigrant or Minority Pressure

You grew up in an immigrant or minority community where your family sacrificed everything to give you opportunities. There was an unspoken expectation: do not waste it on something frivolous. Prove you belong. Make them proud.

What you learned: “I have to choose the safest, most respectable path. I cannot afford to follow my curiosity.”

What became invisible: Your love for photography, dance, or environmental science — anything that felt risky or did not directly honor your family’s sacrifice.

2. Class Expectations

You grew up working-class, watching your parents struggle. Creative or unconventional careers felt like luxuries for people with safety nets. “Artists starve. Writers don’t pay bills.”

What you learned: “Following my interests is selfish. I need to be practical.”

What became invisible: Your passion for design, music, or storytelling. Your mind dismissed them before you even explored them because survival mattered more than fulfillment.

3. Gender or Cultural Roles

Your culture or religion had clear ideas about what people like you should do. Boys do not dance. Girls should not be too ambitious. Your role is to be the caretaker, the provider, the modest one, or the strong one.

What you learned: “Certain interests are not for people like me. I would be rejected if I pursued them.”

What became invisible: Any interest that did not fit the script, whether that is a man interested in nursing, a woman interested in engineering, or anyone afraid to stand out and invite judgment.

The Weight of Representation

When you belong to a minority group, every choice can feel like it represents your entire community. You may feel pressure to be impressive, respectable, or acceptable enough to shape how others see people like you.

That pressure makes exploring personal interests feel dangerous. So your mind protects you by hiding certain paths before you even consider them.

Now you understand why you might overlook your interests and why you might choose a profession that does not make you lose track of time.

Unfortunately, these are only the root causes. They do not disappear with time. They continue to operate in daily life, keeping us blind and disconnected from ourselves.

How the Filter Keeps Running

Let’s say the root causes mentioned above shaped how and what we perceive about ourselves. On the other hand, we might assume that growing up and becoming more self-aware as adults could help fill the gap in our self-knowledge. This only happens partially.

A 2013 study on self-knowledge points out that there are two main barriers that stop us from learning more about ourselves in daily life: the informational and the motivational.

Informational Barriers: Why You Can’t See the Pattern

The root causes created the filter. But even as an adult, specific mechanisms keep you blind to your own interests.

1. The Fish-and-Water Effect

When you do something repeatedly, it stops feeling significant. You become so used to your own behavior that you do not notice it is unusual.

I ran in every city I moved to, but because I had always done it, it felt ordinary. I never thought, “Most people don’t immediately scout running routes when they relocate. This might be important to me.” The pattern was invisible because it felt normal.

2. Missing Comparison Points

You do not know if an interest matters because you do not know what “typical” looks like.

I started four or five blogs over the years. Each time I dismissed it: “Everyone tries blogging, right?” I did not realize that most people start one, lose interest, and never return. I kept coming back to writing but could not see the pattern because I assumed everyone did the same.

3. Feelings Are Louder Than Actions

You focus on how you feel, usually negative, and miss what you actually do.

At university, I was bored most of the time. But during film theory classes, I was completely engaged. I felt the excitement in the moment but focused on the dominant feeling of boredom and missed the signal: “You light up when movies are discussed.”

4. You Can’t See Yourself From Outside

Others notice patterns about you that you cannot see from inside your own experience.

My elementary school teachers kept giving me biology books as rewards. They saw the pattern. But from inside my own life, it was just “stuff that happens,” not a clear message about what I loved.

Motivational Barriers: Why Your Ego Blocks Recognition

Even when information about your interests is available, your ego can make it invisible to protect you from psychological pain. This happens in two main ways.

1. Protecting Your Identity

When you internalize certain values early in life, such as the belief that only specific careers are respectable or worthy, your mind creates a protective filter.

Acknowledging an interest that conflicts with these values means facing an uncomfortable truth: you want something the people who raised you might consider worthless or unacceptable.

That conflict threatens your sense of being good enough.

So your mind protects you by dimming your awareness of those interests. It is not a conscious choice. Your ego simply makes them feel less important, less real, safer to ignore than to face the painful gap between what you genuinely love and what you learned you should want.

In my case, I internalized my parents’ values that only prestigious, well-paid careers mattered. My genuine interests in biology, geography, and writing contradicted this framework. Acknowledging them would have meant admitting I cared about things my mother dismissed as low-status. My ego could not handle that tension, so it made those interests quieter, easier to overlook, psychologically safer to ignore.

2. Dismissing Contradictory Evidence

Once you develop a certain self-concept, such as seeing yourself as someone without clear interests or passions, your mind actively dismisses evidence that contradicts this belief. This happens because confirming your existing identity feels safer than updating it, even when the existing identity is negative.

You might repeatedly return to certain activities, but instead of recognizing the pattern, you focus on the times you stopped or failed. Your ego protects the familiar story about yourself by filtering out information that would force you to revise that story.

I experienced this with writing. I started four or five blogs over the years. Each time I thought, “This time will be different.” When I eventually abandoned each one, I told myself, “See? I am not really a writer. I do not have the discipline.” I focused entirely on the failures, the abandoned blogs, instead of recognizing the obvious pattern: I kept returning to writing. My ego protected the story that I had no real passions by making me ignore clear evidence to the contrary.

The motivational barriers do not appear from nowhere. They develop directly from the root causes. If conditional love taught you that only certain interests were acceptable, your ego learned to filter out everything else. The childhood wound creates the adult blindness.

Conclusion

You Are Not Lost. You Are Looking Past Yourself.

The wrong job, the sense of drifting, the feeling that you have no real interests — none of this happened by accident.

If your childhood taught you that certain parts of yourself were unacceptable, your mind learned to filter them out. The interests were there, showing up again and again across different phases of your life. But you looked past them because acknowledging them meant facing a painful truth: you wanted something your internal system did not allow.

Then those filters kept running on autopilot. The fish-and-water effect made your repeated patterns feel too ordinary to matter. Missing comparison points meant you could not tell what was significant about your own behavior. Your ego protected you from information that threatened your carefully constructed sense of identity.

So you ended up in a job that chose you rather than one you chose, because you literally could not see what you loved clearly enough to pursue it.

But here is what matters: You were not empty. You were made blind.

Your interests were always there. You just learned not to see them, first because your caregivers taught you they did not matter, and then because your own protective mechanisms kept you from noticing them.

Understanding this changes everything. The problem is not that you are lost. The problem is that you have been looking everywhere except at the patterns right in front of you: the things you keep returning to, the activities that make time disappear, the subjects that light you up even when everything else feels dull.

You are not starting from zero. You are uncovering what was always there.

What Comes Next

Understanding why you have been blind to your interests is the first step.

But understanding alone does not make the patterns suddenly visible.

Next week, I will show you exactly how to find these hidden patterns in your own life. I will walk you through my complete interest map, showing you how I finally recognized what had been there all along: the biology books, the repeated blogs, the running in every new city, the atlas I could not stop exploring.

More importantly, I will give you a practical framework for mapping your own interests. You will learn what to look for, which signals matter, and how to distinguish between true interests and things you think you should want.

The patterns are there in your history. You just need to know where to look.

Until then, start paying attention. Notice what you keep returning to even when no one is watching. Notice when time disappears. Notice what you dismiss as “normal” or “everyone does that.” These are your first clues.

The discovery process begins now.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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References

Carlson, E. N. (2013). Overcoming the barriers to self-knowledge: Mindfulness as a path to seeing yourself as you really are. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(2), 173-186.

Pham, L. B., & Printz, J. L. (2021). Self-connection and well-being: Development and validation of a self-connection scale. European Journal of Personality, 35(5), 690-707.

Mousavi, S. E., & Sohrabi, F. (2024). Lack of self-acceptance according to psychotherapists’ lived experiences: A reflexive thematic analysis. International Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences, 14(4), 1-12.

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