Your phone rings.

It’s your mother.

“We’re having a family dinner on Sunday. You need to come.”

You’re exhausted. You had a hard week at work. You desperately need a weekend alone to recover.

You want to say no.

But you can already feel the guilt creeping in. The disappointment in her voice if you decline. The family talking about you behind your back.

“He couldn’t even show up for one dinner.”

So you say yes.

You hang up, and immediately feel resentful. Not at her. At yourself.

Because you just gave away your Sunday. The one day you needed for yourself.

This is what life without boundaries looks like.

It’s not dramatic.

It’s small moments like this, again and again, until you realize your time, your energy, your entire life belongs to everyone except you.

Or maybe it’s your coworker.

“Hey, can you quickly take a look at this? It’ll only take a minute.”

It’s 5:45pm. You’re about to leave. You want to say no.

But you say yes anyway. Because saying no feels risky. What if they think you’re not a team player? What if it affects your reputation?

So you stay. Again.

“Hey, can you quickly take a look at this? It’ll only take a minute,” asks the coworker.

“I really need you right now,” says the friend who only reaches out when they need something.

“You’re really not coming? That’s disappointing,” says the family, adding pressure.

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” when social pressure kicks in.

“Wait, one more thing…” when you actually want to leave the conversation.

“You’re too sensitive,” when someone disrespects you again.

Sounds familiar?

These are everyday situations that happen to all of us. Sometimes you’re not even aware of them because you’ve become used to having no boundaries in your life.

You start to think it’s normal.

But that also means you’ve become used to the consequences.

The Cost of Having No Boundaries

Constant exhaustion because you keep saying yes when you actually need rest.

Hidden resentment because you agree to things you don’t want, but feel annoyed or even angry inside.

Loss of self-respect because every time you ignore your own needs, a part of you notices.

People take more and more because you don’t set limits.

Feeling out of control because your time and energy feel like they belong to everyone else.

Emotional overload because you absorb other people’s stress and problems.

Disconnection from yourself because you get so used to adjusting to others that you stop asking what you actually want or need.

And you repeat this pattern again and again because setting a boundary would trigger the emotion you want to avoid at all costs: guilt.

I know this because I’ve felt guilty many times in my life when I dared to say no to someone important to me. It felt like I had done something wrong just because I chose myself over others.

But the worst thing about guilt is that people can use it to get what they want.

They know you feel bad when they ask for another favor.

They know you struggle to say no while looking them in the eyes.

Guilt is an absolutely justified social emotion, and it’s linked to our need for belonging.

Saying no can feel like risking rejection, which means that you might end up being alone. From an evolutionary perspective, being alone was equal to a death sentence. But in today’s world, being alone doesn’t necessarily mean the worst thing that can happen to you. Plus, you’re able to survive because you work and earn, which means you can take care of yourself.

Tip: One way to reduce the power of guilt is to learn how to be happy alone.

So we can say that guilt, in modern life, often shows up at the wrong moments, especially when you try to protect your own time and energy.

Fortunately, this is not something you need to live with forever.

You just need to rewire your body and mind so that saying no and prioritizing yourself and your wellbeing feels absolutely fine and even necessary. You have to collect evidence for yourself that declining another favor won’t end up in a social catastrophe. And of course, people around you might be surprised at the beginning of your journey since you’ve taught them that you’re somebody who always says yes.

Change is never an easy process.

But before we can discuss the strategies of building healthy boundaries, we need to take a look at what kind of boundaries we’re talking about.

5 types of boundaries

1. Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries protect your personal space, body, and physical comfort.

They’re about what you allow or don’t allow when it comes to touch, proximity, or physical presence.

Examples of when to use them:

• Someone stands too close

• Someone touches you without asking

• Someone enters your space without permission

This happens more frequently than we might think. For example, when I’m standing in line at the supermarket and someone stands so close I can feel their breath, I turn and say: ‘Could you give me a bit more space, please?’ Earlier in my life, I would have stayed silent and felt uncomfortable. Now I address it immediately.

2. Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries protect your mental wellbeing and emotional energy.

They prevent you from becoming responsible for other people’s emotions, drama, or manipulation.

Examples of when to use them:

• Someone constantly complains but never changes

• Someone tries to guilt trip you

• Someone expects you to solve their emotional problems

My mother used to call me during my college years and dump all her problems on me without asking how I was doing. Every single day. I felt exhausted after every call, but I didn’t know how to stop it. Today, when someone tries to make me responsible for their emotional problems, I disengage from the conversation.

3. Time Boundaries

Time boundaries protect how your time is used.

Many people lose control of their time because they automatically say yes to requests.

Examples of when to use them:

• Too many meetings

• Last-minute requests

• People interrupting your schedule

For me, Sunday is non-negotiable alone time. Reading, writing, slow day. When people ask me to meet on Sunday, I simply say I’m not available. I don’t explain why or justify myself. Sunday is mine, and I protect it.

4. Energy Boundaries

Energy boundaries protect your mental focus and personal capacity.

Even if you technically have time, some activities drain your energy so much that they affect everything else.

Examples of when to use them:

• Spending time with people who constantly drain you

• Taking on projects that exhaust you mentally

• Being constantly available to everyone

After a hard week at work, I’m exhausted. When someone invites me to after-work drinks or a party, my default answer is no. If I want to see them, I suggest another day when I have more energy. I used to force myself to go and then regret it. Now I protect my energy without guilt.

5. Financial Boundaries

Financial boundaries protect how your money is used and shared.

Without boundaries here, people can feel pressured to lend, give, or spend money in ways that don’t align with their priorities.

Examples of when to use them:

• Friends asking to borrow money

• Family expecting financial help

• Social pressure to spend more than you want

Years ago, my ex-girlfriend wanted me to sell my ETFs to buy furniture she liked because she wasn’t patient enough to save for it. I said no. It would have been stupid to sell my investments just to buy furniture. I don’t compromise on my financial decisions, even when people push emotionally.

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How to Recognize Your Own Boundaries

Before you can enforce your boundaries, the first step is to become aware of your own limits.

1. Identify Your Non-Negotiables

For me personally, sleep, gym, and Sunday only for myself are non-negotiable boundaries.

I know that if I don’t sleep well and early enough, my next day will be bad. Gym session with sauna is very important to me for my physical and mental balance. And on Sunday, I love to spend the day alone.

But you might have different ones that help you stay balanced in your daily life.

Take some time to think about them and make some notes on your phone.

2. Track Your Energy and Mood

This strategy is one of the best ways to find and define your own limits.

For example, you notice that after two hours of meetings, you feel mentally drained. This shows your “meeting limit” before you need a break.

I figured out for myself that I can’t go out on two days directly after each other because I feel exhausted. Or after work, I don’t do more than one activity. For example, if I go to the gym, then I don’t meet friends after that. So my boundary is work + maximum one activity.

Pay attention to your mood and energy so you can make notes about your own boundaries.

3. Notice Physical Signals

This is another important one that helped me understand my limits.

After an over-scheduled day (work + 2+ activities), I sleep poorly. Or if you have back pain, tight shoulders, or shaking hands, you need to pay attention.

What are the causes behind these symptoms?

Sometimes the things you thought were normal are the most important, but you ignored them your whole life because people said “it’s normal.”

But being dead tired around 10am and drinking 10 coffees to stay awake is not normal. I had panic attacks because I worked so much and didn’t pay attention.

4. Reflect on Emotional Responses

Are you angry? Or do you feel annoyed by somebody again?

When a friend constantly asks for favors without offering support in return, your limit is being over-committed emotionally.

I felt tremendous guilt all the time when my mother called me during my college years and dumped all her problems on me without asking how I was doing. Every single day.

That was a strong emotional response I could have avoided if I had set that boundary. But I didn’t, and the consequence was that I couldn’t enjoy myself - my mind was full of my mother’s problems all the time.

Fortunately, I recognized the pattern, and I set that boundary for myself.

My life improved drastically.

How to enforce boundaries without feeling guilty

Once you have a better understanding of your limits, you can start implementing small changes in your life.

It’s not about doing a hard cut but taking step-by-step subtle changes that don’t overwhelm others but help you become more balanced physically and mentally.

Level 1: Start with Non-Negotiables (Easiest)

This is the easiest step to implement because you don’t necessarily need to say that hard “no” to everyone. You can simply say that you’re busy at that time.

People have more understanding for that than for getting a plain no.

Plan your days in advance as well as possible and fill in things that you want to have in your life without compromises.

For example, when your non-negotiable is to go to a Pilates session, put it into the calendar and book the session. Or if you’re like me and want to be alone on Sunday, you can simply say to people that on Sunday you can’t.

Important note: you don’t need to start explaining yourself if somebody asks about your Sunday. Simply saying that it’s a day for yourself is absolutely enough.

After this experiment and saying no a couple of times, you’ll gain more experience with how you feel about saying no. That’s exactly what we want.

Example phrases:

• “I’m not available on Sundays.”

• “That’s my gym time.”

• “I have plans.” (Even if the plan is resting alone.)

Level 2: Time and Space Boundaries

With this new confidence, you can also start setting time or space boundaries because they’re less emotionally loaded.

For example, you don’t answer messages after 7pm, or you don’t open the door after 9pm.

You can also apply this at work: truly stop working at 6pm because you know that working longer leads to diminishing returns and you don’t have enough time for yourself to wind down after the day.

I used to answer work slack messages until 9pm or 10pm. Then I decided: no more work communication after 6pm.

The first week, I felt anxious. What if something urgent came up? What if my boss needed me?

But nothing catastrophic happened. A few colleagues sent me messages at 7pm or 8pm. I didn’t answer. The next morning, everything was fine. They learned I wasn’t available after 6pm, and they adjusted.

Now, when someone sends me something at 8pm, I don’t even feel guilty about not responding.

My evenings are mine.

This is still the lower difficulty level. Sometimes you don’t even need to say anything - you just stop doing it, like I did with slack messages. But other times, people will ask directly, and you’ll need to decline out loud.

When you need to say it:

• “I can’t commit to that right now.”

• “My schedule is full this week.”

• “I can help next week, not today.”

Level 3: Small “No” Boundaries in Low-Stakes Situations

Here is where the process gets more serious, but don’t worry, we’re not in the hot zone yet.

There are many less relevant situations where people don’t set boundaries but still feel the pain afterwards.

For example, when people who want to sell something ring my doorbell, and once I open the door, they start talking for minutes without a pause.

Earlier in my life, I listened to the end, answered all their questions, and got red, had a heart rush, and started sweating because I felt trapped. I knew that I didn’t want anything from them, but I couldn’t say no.

Today, I interrupt them very quickly and say that I’m not interested. Most of them take it better than we might think.

This is exactly a low-stakes situation because there are no real consequences for saying no.

Or for example, when people from the office ask you to pick up their package at the packet shop, which is a mile away in the other direction. You can say politely no because it’s not on your way. It’s not being rude and not about not wanting to help, but simply protecting your own boundaries.

Example phrases for low-stakes situations:

• “I’m not interested, thanks.”

• “That’s not on my way, sorry.”

• “I can’t help with that.”

• “No, thank you.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

Level 4: Emotional Boundaries (Harder)

This is where most people start to feel the guilt I mentioned above.

In my life, my mother regularly crossed my emotional boundaries while using me as her emotional caretaker.

She loaded all her problems on me. She felt better; I felt worse.

Many people have friends too who complain all the time, and you have to listen to them, otherwise you’re not a good friend.

Unfortunately, the guilt part is known for many people, and they often use it as part of their manipulation repertoire.

In these cases, the same applies: notice first. If you feel overwhelmed by others, or you don’t have the capacity to process problems of others, then it’s time to set that boundary.

When I finally set a boundary with my mother about the daily problem-dumping calls, it was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

One day, she called and immediately started unloading about her problems. After five minutes, I interrupted:

“Sorry, I can’t have this conversation right now. I need to go.”

There was silence. Then:

“Who should I talk to about these things then?”

The guilt hit me, but I stayed firm:

“You have a husband, and I can’t listen to these things all the time because I feel bad too.”

She was upset. The call ended awkwardly, and she didn’t call me for a week. She reacted as usual: withdrawal of love, attention, and care.

The next time she called, I kept the boundary. If she started dumping, I said I had to go.

But after a few weeks, something changed. She stopped calling every day. When she did call, the conversations were shorter. My emotional wellbeing, my mood improved drastically.

The guilt faded. The relief stayed.

Example phrases:

• “I understand how you feel, but I can’t fix this for you.”

• “I’m not able to have this conversation right now.”

• “I need to step back from this topic.”

• “I can’t discuss this right now; it’s too much for me today.”

• “Can we talk about this another time? I need a bit of space right now.”

• “This topic isn’t something I can handle today.”

In these situations, you need to keep in mind that it’s about your own boundaries and protecting yourself. You don’t explain too much, you don’t justify yourself, and you don’t apologize for having a limit.

Level 5: Social Boundaries with Close People (Hardest)

Setting boundaries in a social context with close people is the hardest because the pushback at the beginning is stronger, and the guilt you will feel can be overwhelming.

This includes:

• Telling your family you won’t attend every Sunday dinner

• Declining a close friend’s birthday party because you need rest

• Saying no to your parents’ request to visit for a holiday

• Not joining friends on a weekend trip because you need alone time

• Telling your partner you need an evening to yourself

• Skipping a family gathering without a “good excuse”

A close friend messaged me on Friday afternoon.

“Hey, we’re going out for food and drinks. You coming?”

I was exhausted. All I wanted was to stay home, cook something simple, and watch a movie alone.

Old me would have said yes immediately. I would have forced myself to go, spent the whole evening drained, drinking and regretted it the next day.

This time, I said: “I can’t tonight. I need to rest.”

“Come on, man. Just for a couple of hours. It’ll be fun!”

I felt the pressure. The guilt. They’d think I was boring. Antisocial. Not a good friend.

But I stayed firm: “I’m exhausted. I need to rest tonight. Let’s do something next week instead.”

There was a pause until the next message came.

Then: “Alright, no worries. Next week then.”

That was it. No drama. No friendship ending. He understood.

I spent that Friday night alone, and felt no guilt.

The next week, we met for coffee. Everything was fine.

That moment taught me: most people respect your boundaries if you’re direct and calm. The ones who don’t aren’t the ones you want in your life anyway.

Example phrases:

• “I need this weekend to rest.”

• “I can’t make it, but I hope you have a great time.”

• “I’m not up for it today.”

• “I need some time alone right now.”

• “Let’s do something next week instead.”

Level 6: Values and Lifestyle Boundaries

This is something I had to enforce more recently in my life. Since I stopped drinking alcohol, people wanted to cross my new boundary regarding drinking.

Last year at a company event, someone kept insisting I have a beer.

“David, come on! We only live once!”

I said: “I don’t drink. I’m good with water.”

“Come on, just one beer! You don’t have to go crazy, just one!”

Old me would have caved. Taken the beer and felt weak for not sticking to my boundary.

This time, I said calmly: “I don’t drink but thanks”

“You’re being too serious! Loosen up a bit!”

I didn’t get defensive. I didn’t explain.

I just said: “I’m loose enough.” And changed the subject.

They dropped it.

Most people do once they see you’re not budging.

Fortunately, I don’t miss alcohol at all, so pushing back isn’t difficult for me, but it might be hard for you in the same or similar situations.

These boundaries are about protecting your larger life vision, health, and priorities.

I protect my vision that I want to live healthy. You might want to protect your mental wellbeing by not participating in family drama again. Or you choose to stick to your fitness routine even if people mock you for that.

Boundary maintenance

Once you’ve become more familiar with the boundary-setting process, it’s worth reviewing it regularly.

This process goes back to the awareness part.

Ask yourself regularly: How did I feel today?

When you feel exhausted, find the reason for that.

When you feel guilt or emotionally overwhelmed, ask why.

Based on the new information, you can rethink your boundaries, the non-negotiables, and you can update them easily.

Don’t forget: it’s a long-running process without a finish line, with the goal to get better and better at it.

Final Words

Setting boundaries is not something only you need to learn, but also your environment needs to learn the new version of yourself.

If they only knew you as someone who always said yes, then your change might be a surprise.

But it’s okay.

This is part of the process.

I’m not going to lie: there will be people who won’t be happy about it.

You might lose people who were always part of your life. They might blame you for setting your boundaries.

I’m telling you this because it happened to me, and I want you to be prepared.

Usually, people who truly love you for being who you are, are the ones who take it easily.

Or the ones who also have their own boundaries. I have friends who often tell me no or set time and space boundaries, and I respect them for that. They don’t complain a word when I say no to them.

In order to not overwhelm your environment, you should start slowly.

First with the non-negotiable ones, and then you can experiment with the more emotionally loaded situations.

The goal is that you achieve a state in your life where you’re in charge of your own wellbeing, you don’t feel guilt for being yourself, and you can live free and deliberately.

Good luck on your journey!

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

Read More:

I’ve never experienced a blackout before, but when I stood at the airport in Auckland, New Zealand after flying more than 24 hours, I simply forgot the PIN code of my debit card.

After entering the four-digit number wrong twice, I had one more try before my card would be automatically locked.

I took a short walk, hoping movement would bring more blood to my brain so I could remember the code I used almost every day at the supermarket.

It didn’t help.

My bank locked my card. They didn’t give me any support via phone because I didn’t know my identification code either. The customer support told me there was no way to unlock my debit card.

I stood there, 18,000 km away from home, alone, with limited cash in my pocket and no return flight ticket.

You can imagine that on that day, I learned a lot. I was naive and unprepared.

And this is just one weird moment from the last 15 years of traveling the world, mostly alone.

I made many mistakes along the way. I lost money, lost personal belongings, stepped on a sea urchin on the first day of a vacation in Tanzania.

But I never questioned whether I should book the next flight to a place I’d never been before.

In my childhood, when my father wasn’t drunk, he liked to show me places in the atlas. We looked at the Himalayas, the Mariana Trench, Antarctica, Siberia. We played a quiz where he asked me the capitals of countries.

I grew up with an explorer mindset without seeing anything of the world because my family never went on vacation. Ever.

When I finally got my life together, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

My girlfriend at the time didn’t share the same interest, but I convinced her to do some traveling together. A week in Côte d’Azur in France. Another week in Amsterdam with another couple.

It was great, but I wanted more.

Once I ended that relationship and moved to another country, there was nothing standing between me and the world.

I was so motivated to catch up on everything I’d missed that in 2017, I traveled to 16 countries in one year.

I’d planned for 44. That’s how naive I was.

But that naivety made it possible to see more than most people I know and become the man I am today.

The naivety developed into careful planning.

The hesitant traveler became confident.

In this article, I want to share what solo travel taught me about confidence, self-reliance, and becoming comfortable anywhere in the world.

You’re Forced to Make Decisions

Most people traveling together look at each other and ask, “What do you want to do? Where should we eat?”

When you’re traveling alone, you can’t turn to anyone. You have to decide on your own.

For most people, it’s difficult as hell because they don’t know what they want.

It’s something you learn with time, but only if you’re in a situation where you’re forced to think about it, to make wrong decisions so next time you’ll know better.

I remember when I first flew to Lisbon, Portugal. I sat in my Airbnb with no idea what I wanted to do for the next five days in that city.

It was difficult, and I almost spent my first day only in this tiny room I rented. I thought everyone else in that situation would think it’d be nice to discuss this with someone and decide together.

But I didn’t want to be dependent on others, so I forced myself to do something. The easiest way to create a plan is to look for the highlights of the place, even if it sounds way too tourisistic. The top 10 must-haves are always available on the internet, which can give you structure.

I started organizing day trips in Lisbon. I reserved a table at a restaurant only for myself and booked a ticket for the aquarium because I love watching animals and underwater life. I sat on the main square and watched people. I tried some local food and specialties, and after four days, I’d experienced quite a lot on my own.

It felt great because in the end, I’d made a lot of decisions for myself. I didn’t decide perfectly, but at least I made up my mind and went out. At that time, this was a huge success for me.

Today, I know much more about what I love, and it makes it easy to spend my time wherever I am in the world. Making decisions feels more intuitive and less forced by the urge to do something at all.

This is something you can learn too. But only by doing it scared. Only by sitting alone in that Airbnb, forcing yourself to choose.

The confidence doesn’t come from knowing what to do. It comes from deciding anyway.

You’re Forced to Solve Problems Alone

As you read in the introduction, when you’re traveling alone, you face problems you need to solve alone.

Even after I forgot my PIN code completely, I spent three weeks in New Zealand. But I got ripped off many times in other countries. I lost personal belongings, missed flights and trains, lost an expensive train ticket in Japan (the nice Japanese people gave it back), had food poisoning in Sri Lanka, stepped on a sea urchin in Africa.

In those moments, yes, I was very annoyed. But these problems also taught me that I’m capable of surviving alone and can solve more problems than I thought.

The best way of learning is always when you don’t have a plan B. You can’t call mom and dad to help you out. You can’t turn to a girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, husband, or friends to ask what to do now. You’re locked in a room with the problem like being with a grizzly bear in a honeymoon suite, and there’s no way out.

Your brain starts working differently. It goes from a problem-oriented mindset where you might lose yourself in some kind of victim mode to a solution-oriented Indiana Jones mindset.

And believe it or not, 99% of the time, there is a solution, and you will find it.

With time, you become more relaxed. You plan better, which reduces the probability of problems because you know what to pay attention to.

And this is not only something you can profit from during your trips, but this is a skill, the problem-solving skill, you can apply in your everyday life as well.

That problem at work that seemed impossible? You’ve already navigated a foreign city with food poisoning and no working phone. You can handle a difficult client.

That conflict with a friend? You’ve already negotiated with a taxi driver who didn’t speak your language and was trying to overcharge you. You can have an honest conversation.

Solo travel doesn’t just teach you to solve travel problems.

It teaches you that you can solve problems.

You Learn What You Actually Like

When you’re with others, you compromise. You go to restaurants you don’t care about. You visit museums you’re not interested in. You say yes to things because someone else wants to do them.

When you’re alone, there’s no one to compromise with.

You discover what you actually enjoy. Not what you think you should enjoy. Not what impresses others. What genuinely interests you.

I learned I love silence. I learned I prefer hiking to nightlife. I learned I’d rather sit in a quiet café for two hours than rush through ten tourist attractions.

These weren’t things I knew before. I thought I knew myself, but I was performing a version of myself I thought others expected.

Traveling alone stripped that away.

Now, in everyday life, I know what I want. I don’t say yes to social events I don’t want to attend. I don’t pretend to enjoy things I don’t. I don’t shape my life around other people’s expectations.

That confidence to know yourself and live accordingly? That’s what solo travel gives you.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly. Thank you. — David

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Your Worldview Changes Completely

I know many people who are afraid of traveling. They project everything they see in the news or on social media onto the whole world. They can’t differentiate people from their political leaders and believe the world is a very bad place. There are bad places for sure, but you shouldn’t judge nations based on the news on television.

Earlier in my life, I was one of these judgmental people.

My parents’ worldview was very limited and extremely negative. They judged all of humanity based on what they saw in the news or heard on the radio. They told me which countries were very bad and where I should never travel to.

The best thing was to simply stay at home so you could be safe. They did that their entire lives.

I couldn’t accept that. The courage to go to places grew in me, so I went to find out using my own two eyes whether a place was bad or not at all.

I can tell you that in 99% of cases, I was surprised in a positive way.

People I met during my travels were welcoming, nice, and friendly. I rarely experienced rude or offensive behavior. And even when I did, I didn’t project it onto the whole population of the country.

When I traveled to China, people told me I was making a mistake. “They will put you in jail,” they told me.

When I was in China, I felt amazing. Elderly people did tai chi in front of my hotel in the morning. The people at reception stood up every time I arrived. They were nice, friendly, and supportive.

I never felt in danger or experienced any sketchy situations.

Since I’ve been traveling alone, my view of the world has changed a lot. I know that horrible things happen everywhere, but the black-and-white view turned into a more optimistic, less judgmental view. Most people on earth simply want to have a good life, laugh, and experience great moments, just as I do.

We’re not that different as we might think.

This changed how I live at home too. I’m less critical and fearful but more open and trusting.

You Learn Things You Never Planned to Learn

I know what to do when a snake bites me. I know what wild animals you can see in Albania in the mountains when you’re hiking and what to do when a bear stands before you. I learned about the boiling frog analogy in Seattle from a family I lived with for two weeks. I know that if you step on a sea urchin, you can use papaya leaves to heal it.

These aren’t essential things people usually learn, but this is also something I love about traveling.

You become a person with unexpected knowledge. Random skills. Stories no one else has.

And this makes you confident in a different way. You realize you can learn anything. Adapt to anything. Figure anything out.

These skills don’t disappear when you land back home. They become part of how you approach everything.

You Realize How Little You Actually Need

I think this is something most travelers learn with time.

Back when I flew to Mexico, I had huge baggage with me plus my backpack, just to hang a bunch of clothes in the closet in the hotel room and bring them back home without even wearing them once.

Today, I travel with a backpack or a small trolley bag. And still, every time I think I could have carried less stuff.

I got familiar with washing clothes abroad, checking out laundry services or booking Airbnbs with washing machines. I stopped carrying a lot of gear because I don’t really take a lot of photos, and definitely not professional ones.

When I traveled to Iceland with a good friend, I remember having a small bag with my Canon camera, GoPro Hero, selfie stick, various adapters and cables. Then I had clothes for almost a year and half my bathroom.

Over the years, I understood that I don’t need a lot. Most of my needs fit in a backpack, and if I need any services, I go out and find a solution wherever I am.

This realization also led to my current minimalistic lifestyle. I don’t buy stuff anymore, only if I really need something. I focus on quality instead of quantity, and I ask myself 1,000 times before I order something whether I really need it or not.

It’s good for my bank account, and it’s easier to move as well.

The Moments You’ll Never Forget

When I arrived in Tromsø, Norway, it was late, around 11pm. People waited in lines for cabs, but there weren’t many. I did the same, stayed patient.

After half an hour, it was my turn. I jumped in the cab and showed the driver where my Airbnb was. He drove me to that street and stopped somewhere in the middle.

I didn’t know where my apartment was, but I paid and got out of the car. The cab disappeared in the darkness, and I stood there in the middle of the street. It was snowing, but with really huge snowflakes.

There was no soul around, only those dark houses on both sides of the street. I stayed for a while because I rarely experienced such incredible silence. I heard the snow falling. Everyone was sleeping in those houses, and they didn’t know that this weirdo was standing in the middle of the street and listening. It was spectacular.

That moment is one of the many great experiences I will never forget.

I was alone. I didn’t share it with anybody. But I also believe it wouldn’t have been so powerful if I wasn’t alone in that moment.

Here’s another one: When I was in Osaka, Japan, I spent a day exploring the city. Late afternoon, I went back to my hostel, which had an outdoor terrace. Back then, I smoked, and I bought a few beers so I could sit outside after the day.

The receptionist came out, a French girl who also smoked a cigarette. We didn’t talk, but after a few minutes, she said to me: “You look so happy.”

I was surprised and didn’t understand why she thought that because I looked terrible in my opinion. I wore a t-shirt with toothpaste spots on it. My hair looked like a bird’s nest. I was smoking and drinking beer from a can like a homeless guy.

Still, she said I looked really happy in that moment. When she went back inside, I needed to think about what she just said.

Until that moment, I didn’t realize that I was actually happy. That was a time between changing jobs, having enough money in my pocket, free for a couple of months, and traveling in Asia.

I was living my dream and hadn’t taken the time to realize it.

Thanks to her, from that moment I started to appreciate my life even more.

These moments might seem irrelevant to you, not a big deal. But for me, these moments were and stayed very important until today.

I learned about myself that I love enjoying silence, wherever I am, and that traveling the world is something that truly makes me happy. Even other people can notice that.

I could write more about these moments, but I wanted to highlight two of my favorites to demonstrate the power of traveling alone.

Once you start exploring the world on your own, you will also have your own stories that don’t mean anything to others but mean the world to you.

The Confidence That Follows You Home

Here’s what people don’t tell you about solo travel: the confidence doesn’t stay at the airport.

It follows you home:

• When you have navigated a foreign city without speaking the language, office politics seem far less intimidating.

• When you have solved problems alone in countries where you know no one, asking for help at home becomes much easier.

• When you have walked into restaurants alone on the other side of the world, sitting by yourself at home no longer feels uncomfortable.

• When you have started conversations with strangers while traveling, meeting new people in everyday life feels natural.

• When you have made decisions on your own again and again, you begin to trust your judgment more.

• When you have gotten lost in unfamiliar places and still found your way back, small problems in daily life feel manageable.

• When you have carried everything you need in one backpack, you realize how little you actually need to live well.

• When you have experienced beautiful moments alone, you stop believing that happiness always depends on other people.

• When you have adapted to different cultures and situations, change in your normal life feels less threatening.

• When you have discovered that you can handle the unknown, many everyday fears lose their power.

The man I am today was built in those moments. Not in one big transformation, but in a thousand small decisions made alone.

Each moment taught me: I can handle this. I can handle myself. I don’t need anyone to validate my choices or hold my hand through life.

That’s the real gift of solo travel. Not the stamps in your passport. Not the photos. Not the stories you tell at parties.

You learn to enjoy your own company. To make decisions without external validation. To solve problems without asking for permission.

That’s why I still travel alone. Not because I can’t find people to go with. Because the person I become when I’m alone is the person I want to be all the time.

Confident. Self-reliant. Comfortable anywhere.

If you lack confidence, don’t wait to feel ready. Book the ticket. Go alone. The confidence comes from doing it scared, not before.

I’ll see you out there.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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I’m 38, single, and from my point of view, I have an amazing life.

My job gives me the opportunity to evolve and make the money I need. My side project provides creative fulfillment. I take care of my body, maintain a healthy diet, read every day, travel as much as possible, and work toward the goals I’ve defined for myself.

When people ask how I’m doing, the answer is simple: I’m doing great.

Happy people are usually boring, and others tend to comment that I always give the same answer. But it’s the truth.

This is also the first time in my life that I’m not desperately searching for a new relationship. Don’t get me wrong: I’m open to a healthy, loving relationship. But I’m not dating four times a week to fill the void of not being happy alone. That’s progress.

On the other hand, people and society try to convince me that something is wrong with me.

When they ask “Are you STILL single?” it sounds like I have a disease that needs curing.

“David, you’ll end up alone,” they warn.

“Who’s going to change your diaper if you don’t have kids?” they ask.

I’ve grown accustomed to these fear-filled opinions about being single at this age. But I have to be honest: not too long ago, these comments affected me deeply. I felt behind, as if my life wasn’t complete.

Many people feel this way. There’s a growing pressure to find somebody so they don’t have to hear these politely wrapped criticisms anymore. Society tells us that something must be wrong with us if we don’t have a partner.

When I was younger, my need to prove I was “good enough” to have an adult romantic relationship drove me into the most toxic ones. I never chose my girlfriends. I was chosen. I heard once that if you see a couple on the street, the woman has the best man she could find, and the man has the only woman he could find.

I refuse to believe that.

That’s why I stopped dating brainlessly. I want my next partner to be someone I genuinely like, not just someone who wants me while I’m grateful to have at least one woman say yes.

So I became more patient. The work I’ve done on myself over the last few years helped me feel happy alone and eliminated the neediness that once defined my approach to dating.

But let’s examine the reasons why people panic about being single later in life.

Why People Panic About Being Single

The Biological Clock

This is something I can’t argue with. The desire to have children through traditional biological means increases the pressure, and I understand this reason completely.

However, this pressure stems less from being single and more from the timeline for having children. I’m not going to focus on this aspect in this article.

The Questions and Judgment

Parents and friends who are already in relationships or married with kids all ask the same questions. “Have you found someone yet?”

The discussion always follows the same trajectory I mentioned above: something must be wrong with you. If there wasn’t, you’d already be in a relationship.

They never consider that maybe I simply haven’t found the right person yet. Or that I’m happy alone. Or that I have other priorities in my life that matter more than fulfilling other people’s expectations.

According to them, the problem can only be you.

Fear of Loneliness

Ending up alone represents another significant fear about being single. People envision themselves old, sitting alone in a silent room.

This is indeed a real risk that can happen to any of us, but not exclusively because we’re single. It happens to many people who have had or still have families.

Cultivating good relationships with people, maintaining friendships, having pets, and participating in communities can all help address loneliness. But making this problem completely dependent on a romantic partner creates enormous pressure on that person. A partner shouldn’t be the sole solution to loneliness.

Social Comparison

I often find myself at tables where everyone else is in a relationship, married, or even divorced but partnered again. A few years ago, I dreaded those evenings. I sometimes avoided them altogether once I knew I’d be the only single person there.

The reason was simple: I compared my life to their visible lives. I’d see them in that moment and think, Everyone here has a Hollywood-type relationship. I’d scroll through Instagram, seeing beautiful photos of couples posing on beaches or at events, and I wanted that desperately.

But I had no idea how they actually spent their time together. Whether they fought constantly or were genuinely happy. Whether infidelity was part of their story. I only saw the carefully curated snapshots, which left me feeling jealous and behind.

Being Wanted or Chosen

Most people carry their own definition of purpose and life fulfillment. For some, being wanted or chosen forms the core of that definition. Being single undermines their sense of purpose, leaving them feeling sad. They want to feel needed by someone, chosen by someone.

Fear of Time

Romantic relationships are often associated with youth. People worry that growing older diminishes their chances of finding the partner they’ve imagined.

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Why These Fears Are a Problem

People Abandon What They Want

Countless people in the world didn’t pursue what they wanted because they chose a relationship out of fear. These individuals typically wake up at 57 and panic, realizing what they sacrificed. Sometimes it’s too late.

Prioritizing your own desires is crucial to living a fulfilled life, rather than maintaining a relationship that merely saves you from being alone without actually making you happy.

Ending Up in a Bad Relationship

This is the classic pattern. Someone becomes single and two weeks later enters another relationship because they can’t tolerate being alone for even a few months.

Usually, these people don’t recognize the pattern. They use their relationships as emotional crutches to feel better about themselves. But these relationships inevitably end quickly because there’s no solid foundation to sustain them for years.

Fear Lowers Standards

Remember when I mentioned that men often end up with the only woman they could find? Women do this too. When fear and panic reach a certain threshold, people accept anyone who says yes.

That’s not a good deal.

I don’t believe these qualify as real relationships. They’re more accurately described as toxic codependencies where both people attempt to rescue each other from their fears.

Authenticity Disappears

When I desperately wanted to find a partner, I was willing to play whatever role they found attractive. This was my lifelong strategy until age 35.

I started wearing masks. I read books about becoming a “badass man” and pretended to be a macho type so women would think I was cool. I said things I didn’t believe, trying to project a “don’t give a shit” attitude because I thought women loved those guys.

Eventually, the relationship exhausted me with all the pretending. Those women realized I wasn’t who they thought I was. They felt disappointed. I felt hurt because they didn’t like the real me.

Everyone lost.

The Dependency

The partner transforms into a source of validation, stability, or identity. People stay together not because they love, respect, and admire each other, but because the relationship has become integral to their identity.

In these relationships, infidelity often occurs because people maintain two separate lives. One is the relationship they present to the world. The other is what they actually want. Surprisingly, some couples live their entire lives this way.

It sounds exhausting.

Conflict Becomes Harder

When a relationship exists primarily to avoid loneliness or judgment, there’s an overwhelming fear of disrupting the status quo. Problems remain unaddressed because the perceived cost of separation feels too high.

I know many couples trapped in this dynamic. Watching them suppress their opinions to maintain artificial harmony clearly isn’t healthy.

They smile at each other while claiming everything is fine, then lie awake at night because they’re suppressing emotions like anger or frustration. All of this happens because their fear of being single outweighs their need for honesty and authenticity.

The Reality of Being Single (Or What It Could Be)

I believe that once we remove fear from the equation, being single isn’t remotely negative.

In fact, it can be wonderful.

As a single person, you have an exceptional opportunity to truly know yourself without a partner’s influence.

Why does this matter?

When you know yourself well, you understand what makes you happy. And when you know what makes you happy, loneliness becomes rare because you fill your life with things you genuinely love.

But before everything else, you need to understand and accept this fundamental truth:

Being single is not permanent.

It’s not a failure requiring urgent correction.

It’s a phase where you can dedicate your time and energy to whatever you choose. You make all decisions for yourself. Your routines, goals, and values emerge from intention rather than negotiation.

Many people discover their authentic selves only when they stop adapting to someone else’s expectations.

Being single also demands emotional responsibility. There’s no partner to distract you from your inner world.

You must face boredom, loneliness, insecurity, and desire directly. That feels challenging, but it’s precisely where self-trust and resilience develop.

Being single creates space to raise your standards. When you’re content alone, you stop choosing partners out of fear. You become selective rather than desperate. Relationships transform into additions to your life rather than rescues from it.

The biggest misconception suggests that being single means something is missing.

In reality, it often means something valuable is being built.

People who learn to find peace on their own tend to create the healthiest relationships later because they choose from a place of wholeness rather than need.

And being single and happy doesn’t mean you no longer want a relationship or never feel alone.

I want a relationship.

I want a girlfriend who explores the world with me, someone I can share everything with. Someone who looks at me with love in her eyes while I return that same love.

These feelings are completely normal. Wanting a relationship and occasionally feeling alone are simply signals of desire, not warnings that should trigger panic.

How to Be Single Without Panic

Most people who panic about being single aren’t happy alone. This is a recurring theme in my articles because the ability to feel good in your own company represents the most crucial skill you can develop, one that benefits you throughout your entire life.

With that said, start with yourself.

If you feel uncomfortable alone, that’s a clear sign you shouldn’t be searching for a relationship because you’re operating from the wrong motivation. Instead, focus on working on yourself.

I know the “build the best version of yourself” advice sounds clichéd, but when done properly, it genuinely transforms your life.

Start with Your Body

Your body forms the foundation of everything else in your life. When you feel fit and healthy, your mind becomes brighter and calmer.

Get in shape by finding your own approach. You don’t need a gym membership. List ten activities that could increase your activity level: kayaking, yoga, Pilates, walking, running.

Fix your diet. When you stop eating garbage and pay attention to what you consume, the results feel miraculous. Diet actually matters more than exercise. Eating well improves how you feel, clears your skin, and enhances your sleep quality. Better sleep reduces junk food cravings and increases your likelihood of exercising.

Remove the Expectation

At the beginning of your journey toward being happily single, you might succumb to the expectation fallacy. You won’t master being happy alone in two weeks. I’m stating this directly: You won’t. It will require months, possibly more than a year.

But removing time-related expectations allows you to work on yourself without pressure.

Tell yourself: I’m single, and that’s absolutely fine. It’s not a failure requiring a solution. I’m focusing on myself, and this represents a new phase of my life.

Delayed gratification is real. Trust the process and keep working.

Develop the Self-Connection

This step forms the core of being happy alone. In one of my previous articles, I explained how to discover yourself and identify your true interests if you haven’t found them yet.

I figured this out by walking in the park alone, without music, for months. I started listening to myself. How do I feel? What would I love to do? I became honest with myself.

During this phase, I acknowledged out loud that I’m an introvert who doesn’t enjoy being around strangers or loud people. I love reading and writing. The fact that I’d started blogs and websites before might signal I should pursue that path. I love watching Marvel movies.

I adjusted my behavior based on these discoveries, which helped me live the life I genuinely want and enjoy. That became the doorstep to being happy alone.

Redefine Successful Life for YOU

The definition of success should come from you, not your friends, parents, or society at large.

For me, success means having a house in the mountains or near the ocean, surrounded by my dogs, having visited all the places I’ve dreamed of seeing, participating in challenges like marathons, reading extensively, writing well, maintaining strong friendships, staying healthy and fit, and if circumstances allow, sharing my life with a loving girlfriend.

It definitely doesn’t match society’s clichéd definition: high-status job, wife, kids, cars, and material possessions.

You should define success for yourself and pursue that vision instead of living under others’ expectations.

Reduce Comparison

Defining your own success becomes easier when you reduce or eliminate sources of comparison in your life, particularly social media.

Deleting Instagram helped me tremendously in finding my own path because I’d been subconsciously comparing my life to others, which made me feel miserable about my own ideas. Once I stopped watching other people’s lives, I could finally focus on my own.

When you don’t share every moment of your life, people can’t criticize it. That’s particularly important at the beginning when you’re taking tentative steps toward living your authentic life.

My Own Single Life

I want to share a brief note from my personal experience because I know many people struggle with being single and feel lonely.

Listen to me: I’m 38. I’m average-looking. I don’t have significant wealth. I’m not smarter than most people, and I grew up believing I wasn’t enough. I don’t have contact with my parents. I have only a few close friends. I spend Christmas alone. I travel alone. I go to movie theaters and concerts alone.

You might assume I live a sad existence, but the opposite is true.

On weekends, I laugh more than most people in relationships because I’ve found peace with myself and genuinely enjoy my own company. I spend Christmas alone without the holiday stress that burdens most people. I travel without compromises, relax in saunas after workouts, read books I love, watch movies I choose, and maintain endless plans for future years.

I’m happy. I’ve never experienced a more balanced life than I have today.

I wanted to share this to demonstrate that someone like me, with all these apparently negative circumstances, can live a wonderful life.

Being single can be extraordinary if you want it to be. You can start living the life you want by simply deciding to take those steps.

I wish you strength and love for your journey.

You’re going to be happy alone.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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In my previous article, I wrote about the process of becoming happy alone. You might have skipped it because you think you’re already there, but it’s important to mention that this state can come and go. You might have periods where solitude feels like freedom, and other times when it feels like a threat you need to escape.

These seven signs will help you recognize when you’re struggling with being alone, even if you’ve convinced yourself otherwise.

1. You’re Waiting for Your Partner When They’re Out

I remember when I was in a relationship and wasn’t happy alone at all. When my girlfriend went out with her friends for a girl’s night, a company event, or just to do sports on her own, I would wait for her at home. It felt like I had stopped my life while she was away.

I tried to pretend I was fine and did those typical things people suggest: a bath with candles, cooking steak, or having a drink alone. But the discomfort didn’t disappear. When she finally came home, I took an invisible deep breath. She was back, and now I could continue living.

I was miserable and dependent.

If you don’t feel complete when your partner isn’t home with you, if you start thinking anxiously about what you should do while they’re away, if you have a feeling of helplessness, then you have some work to do.

How to recognize it: Pay attention to yourself. How do you feel when your partner announces plans you’re not involved in? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Or are you completely fine with it because you have a life of your own and you welcome the time you can spend alone? Be honest with yourself, even if you feel ashamed about the truth.

2. A Weekend Without Plans Makes You Feel Nervous

If you’re not happy alone, especially if you’re single, an empty weekend can make you freak out easily. You already feel it on Thursday, and you try to find something or somebody desperately just to fill the weekend. If you need to ask yourself, “Shit, what am I going to do this weekend?” it can be a sign that you’re not happy alone.

And even worse, you haven’t figured out yet what you’re interested in or what you like to do on your own. You don’t have any hobbies or private projects you’re working on.

Reminder: Being with people all the time is not a hobby. Day drinking regularly on a Saturday is distraction, not enjoyment.

How to recognize it: Listen to your thoughts and feelings. How do you feel when the weekend is approaching and you don’t have any plans yet? If you feel nervous or panicked about it, it can be a sign of not being able to be happy alone.

3. You Numb Yourself to Avoid Feeling Anything

Last week I went to the movie theater to watch the new movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. This is something I do regularly, and I don’t even buy water when I’m there. I go in, watch the movie with full attention, and then I go home.

This time, there was a woman sitting in front of me, probably around my age or a bit younger. I was sure this was her first time at a movie theater alone. She had huge nachos and white wine in her hand, and she ate and drank so fast that she needed another serving before the trailers even started. Another nachos, another wine. Then the movie started, and ten minutes later she went out again and came back with another wine. Then I heard glass breaking. At the end of the movie, she was so drunk she could barely walk straight out of the cinema.

I thought, well, the first time alone is always difficult. I didn’t judge her. I actually admired that she had the courage to go to the cinema alone. But it was obvious that she was struggling with it, and she tried to numb all her negative feelings about the situation.

I did the same thing back when I wasn’t happy alone. I regularly opened a bottle of red wine when I was alone, and it wasn’t rare that I finished that bottle on a Friday evening. I smoked one cigarette after another, and when I finally went to sleep, I was numb. I was in avoidance mode, just like the young woman in the movie theater.

How to recognize this sign: If you can’t spend a day alone without numbing yourself with alcohol, smoking, drugs, eating junk food, sweets, or compulsive behaviors, it can be a sign of not being happy alone. You’re avoiding the uncomfortable feelings about your situation.

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4. You’re in a Bad Relationship and You Know It

Being in a bad relationship because of fear is a common phenomenon in our society. Many people have gotten used to being abused, cheated on, disrespected, unsupported, or even unloved. But when they think about leaving the relationship, they’re terrified. They don’t know what they would do if they were alone again. And this fear holds them in those bad relationships, sometimes until the end of their lives, just because they didn’t have the courage to be alone and take back control over their life.

The problem is that most of these people would never admit it or say out loud that they’re actually not happy in their relationship. They avoid the fact at all costs. I’ve heard from many people in my life: “Well, I don’t love my wife anymore,” or “I cheat on my husband, but I don’t want to break up. What would I do without them?”

Usually, these people only use the term “we,” and they don’t have their own identity anymore. They’ve built an unhealthy dependency in their life, and they suffer in it, but they believe they would suffer even more without it.

How to recognize this sign: If you feel this way and you have that tiny voice deep in your heart that says your relationship isn’t the one you wish for yourself, then you know you’re in the wrong place. You feel restless, insecure, or purposeless when your partner isn’t around, instead of enjoying personal time.

5. You Live in Constant Noise

This is another common thing I’ve heard from so many people. When they wake up, the first thing they do is put in earbuds and start some “funny” podcast. Or they go to the kitchen and turn on the radio before making their coffee. (This was me back then.) They turn on the TV and just let it run in the background. “It’s so cozy.” They watch a YouTube video while brushing their teeth or scroll Instagram reels during breakfast. Music while exercising, then a podcast in the shower, and then Netflix with dinner.

No pause. No silence.

You could tell me that you’re interested in all these things you listen to all day long. I would accept it, but I wouldn’t believe it. Because if I asked you about the details of that podcast you heard while showering, you probably wouldn’t remember it anymore. I couldn’t tell you what I heard on the radio in the morning either because I didn’t listen to it on purpose. I just wanted the noise.

And maybe you want that noise too. If you live like I described above, in constant noise, then the probability that you’re not really happy alone is high. The noise is a tool for avoidance. You’re not fine with your own thoughts and emotions, and you want to lock them out.

How to recognize this sign: You feel uneasy, restless, or anxious the moment there’s quiet. You rarely enjoy silence or downtime without something playing in the background. You use entertainment as constant distraction rather than for enjoyment or learning. Even when you don’t feel like engaging, you force yourself to watch or listen just to avoid being alone with your thoughts. You can’t remember the last time you were fully present with your thoughts without feeling bored or uncomfortable.

6. You Say Yes to Plans You Don’t Actually Care About

A couple of years ago at my new job, my colleagues asked me if I wanted to play poker with them after work in a bar. I said yes. But I didn’t want to go.

At home, before I left, I had shaking hands because the day before and the day before that, I was also out with other people somewhere. My body sent me obvious signals that it was too much, but I wanted to use every possible opportunity to be with these people I didn’t even care about. I said yes to everyone and everything.

I often had weekends when I wasn’t home for more than a few hours, and then on Monday I went back to the office again. And when I finally spent one evening alone at home, I started numbing myself exactly the way I described in point 3.

If you always say yes to all the invitations you get and you don’t even consider the option of being alone because you don’t have anything you would do on your own anyway, then it might be a strong sign that you’re not happy alone.

How to recognize this sign: Pay attention to how you respond to people. Try to track your behavior. Count how many times you say yes to people and how many times you decide on solitude. Notice if you feel relief or panic when plans get canceled. If canceled plans feel like a gift, you might be overcommitting. If they feel like a disaster, you might be avoiding yourself.

7. You Can’t Be Alone Without Your Phone

This is perhaps the most universal sign of our generation. You wake up and immediately check your phone. You scroll through social media while having breakfast. You check messages every few minutes. You sleep with your phone next to your pillow. You feel anxious when the battery is low. You panic when you forget it at home.

I’m not talking about practical phone use. I’m talking about the compulsive need to always be connected, always be reachable, always be consuming content from other people’s lives. The phone becomes your companion, your safety blanket, your way of never truly being alone.

When I wasn’t happy alone, my phone was my escape route. Uncomfortable silence at dinner? Check Instagram. Sitting alone on public transport? Scroll through anything. Evening at home? Instagram while watching a movie. I was never actually present with myself because I was always virtually with someone else.

The phone gives you the illusion of connection while keeping you from the real work of being comfortable in your own company.

How to recognize this sign: You can’t sit through a meal without checking your phone. You feel anxious when you can’t find it. You check social media even when you have nothing specific to look for. You reach for your phone the moment you feel bored or uncomfortable. You’ve never spent an entire day without your phone, and the thought of doing so makes you nervous.

Before You Do Anything

If you recognized yourself in one or more of these signs, you’re not broken. You’re human. Most people struggle with being alone at some point in their lives. The difference is whether you acknowledge it and work on it or continue avoiding it.

But there’s something I want to make sure you understand very well: You don’t have to be happy alone if you’re fine with not being happy alone.

You don’t have to think you need to change your life just because you found yourself in one of those points above. Some people build their entire lives around constant connection, and if that genuinely works for them, that’s okay.

But if you’re reading this and you feel that uncomfortable recognition in your chest, if you wish you could be happy alone because you’re truly unhappy with your current life, then you can start working on it. The key is that it has to come from your own intrinsic motivation. Not because someone told you that you “should” be more independent. Not because you’re trying to prove something. But because you genuinely want that freedom for yourself.

In my article about how to be happy alone, I share the practices that helped me transform my relationship with solitude. But before you can apply those practices, you need to recognize the patterns that are keeping you stuck.

The journey back home starts with noticing you’ve been running.

And that noticing? That’s what you just did.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

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There are thousands of articles on the internet about “how to be happy alone.”

Many people have tried to define the blueprint for truly enjoying solitude and give practical tips we can include in our daily lives.

I’ve read many of those pieces because I was also searching for the recipe, the way to become independent and unbeatable.

That was the essence of being happy alone for me: invincibility.

If my girlfriend breaks up with me, I won’t suffer from loneliness and depression.

Even now, when I think about it, that image still gives me a slight confidence boost, being so independent and bulletproof. And I believe this is what most people are searching for when they Google “how to be happy alone.” We want to avoid being vulnerable when life doesn’t go well.

But here’s what I learned: Being happy alone won’t protect you from negative emotions.

You’ll still be sad when your partner breaks up with you or when your parents die. It doesn’t make your soul bulletproof against all the unchosen pain.

But what it does do is give you the best possible foundation to build the most meaningful relationships in your life.

Here is how this inner state shows itself in your daily life when you achieve it:

• You stop being needy. When you’re at peace with yourself, you naturally draw others who respect your boundaries and share your energy, not those who need to fill your silence.

• You stop feeling miserable when you see a group of happy people on the street, where FOMO used to eat you up from the inside.

• Your weekends alone won’t be a threat anymore, something you just want to leave behind quickly so you can escape from home and go back to the office, where you don’t have to feel the loneliness with that background noise keeping you company.

• When you’re content alone, you stop chasing people, jobs, or situations out of fear. You choose based on what’s right, not what fills a void.

• Your mood no longer depends on others. You become calm, grounded, and resilient, no matter who comes or goes.

• Solitude gives you space to understand what truly motivates you, what drains you, and what kind of life actually makes you fulfilled. This is how I figured out the three core topics I’m focusing on: work, running/fitness, and Substack, with a couple of add-ons like healthy diet, spirituality like meditation, reading, traveling, and friends.

When you’re fine with yourself, spending time alone becomes a privilege.

That’s the time when you let yourself be as you are with all your weird thoughts, ideas, and hobbies. You’re capable of saying (and being fine with it) that you’ll watch all nine Star Wars movies over your weekend or go for a long run because you love to do these things. You stop acting based on what society or anyone expects from you. You stop trying to become something you’re not just to get the approval of others.

My favorite example from my life: In summer, when the weather is nice, people expect you to be outside. This is always the first question on a Monday at work: “Did you enjoy the nice weather over the weekend?” Before I found myself, I would go to the park, even though I didn’t want to, and lie on a blanket checking the time, waiting until I could finally go home. I was performing for society. Today, I close those curtains if I want and I can play PlayStation all day long while everyone else is outside. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice weather, but it doesn’t dictate when I go out or not.

You’ll start saying “no” frequently to other people because you’ll weigh your options, and “yes” won’t be your only attractive decision.

Your dating life will change. From a needy person, you will transform into someone more confident, someone who is fine staying single because it’s not the worst thing that can happen to you. Ending up in a bad relationship is.

The whole state of being happy alone feels like having 100 million dollars in your bank account.

You don’t touch it, but every decision you make is supported by the fact that you’re rich in reality, so you don’t have to pick the first possible option. You’re calm and confident.

It’s the same here, but in this case, you don’t have a lot of money in the bank. You have a high sense of self-worth in your mind and soul. You act without doubt or panic. You choose wisely when it comes to your own time and company.

In my opinion, this is how it feels when you’re happy alone.

The good thing is that we all can achieve this state in our lives. It’s not an overnight process and it’s not easy either. But there is definitely an invisible line on your path where you can turn your entire inner world around, from being scared of loneliness to being happy in solitude.

In the last couple of years, many people have told me that I’m at risk of being alone forever. They say this because I’m not looking for a romantic partner the way I did before. I do want to have a girlfriend and I’m open to getting married, but not at all costs. I’m not scared of the thought of being alone later in my life.

And that gives me a great feeling about my future because I know that if it happens, I’ll probably be lying on a sun bed somewhere in Southern Europe with my dogs around me, reading a good book, eating fish and vegetables, having friends visit me, and going dancing at the local festival.

There are many worse situations I can think of as outcomes of my life.

Hopefully, I’ve given you a good sense of what “being happy alone” means to me.

Now I want to share some insights from research and my own experience on how to actually get there.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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Alone vs. Lonely: Why the Difference Matters

Before we go further, it’s crucial to understand that being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing.

Loneliness is an emotional state, a feeling of being disconnected, unsupported, or isolated. You can feel lonely even in a room full of people. You can feel lonely in a relationship. Loneliness is the gap between the connection you have and the connection you want. It’s painful, and research shows it’s genuinely harmful to our health. Studies have found that persistent loneliness is associated with increased anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and even shorter lifespans.

Solitude, on the other hand, is simply the physical state of being alone. But more than that, it’s chosen alone time. It’s intentional. It’s when you’re not surrounded by others and you’re okay with that, or even better, you prefer it.

The difference is enormous.

When researchers study solitude versus loneliness, they find that people who choose to be alone often experience benefits: increased creativity, better emotional regulation, reduced stress, and deeper self-awareness. Intentional solitude can actually recharge you, help you process emotions, and give you space to hear your own thoughts.

The key word here is choice.

When you choose to be alone because you genuinely want to, because you have things you want to do, think about, or simply enjoy, that is solitude. When you’re alone because you have no other option and you desperately wish someone were there, that’s loneliness.

Learning to be happy alone is about transforming your relationship with solitude. It’s about making alone time feel like freedom instead of punishment. It’s about filling that time with things that are authentically yours instead of just trying to distract yourself until someone rescues you from it. That’s the moment when many bad romantic relationships are born. I know because I was there so many times.

You can be lonely in a crowd. You can be content alone. The difference is all in how you relate to yourself.

Six Practices That Changed Everything

So how do you actually get there? How do you move from fearing loneliness to embracing solitude?

I won’t pretend there’s a magic formula. It’s not having a bath with candles, eating steak and ice cream every day. It has nothing to do with forced, superficial hedonic life. On the contrary, it’s more about getting rid of things, habits, and people.

What worked for me might not work exactly the same way for you.

But here are the practices that fundamentally changed my relationship with being alone:

1. Accepting Myself (With All My Flaws)

This was one of the hardest and most important steps I took.

It is the foundation everything else is built on.

I spent years trying to be someone I thought other people would approve of.

I suppressed interests that seemed “weird.” I shaped my opinions to fit in. I performed a version of myself that I thought would be more likeable.

And you know what? I was never truly happy, not alone and not with others.

Because when you’re constantly performing, you’re never really with yourself. You’re always one step removed, monitoring how you’re coming across, adjusting your behavior based on an invisible audience.

Learning to accept myself meant acknowledging my actual interests, even the ones that didn’t fit the image I wanted to project. It meant admitting my flaws instead of trying to hide them. It meant letting go of the person I thought I shouldbe and getting to know the person I actually am.

I wrote about this process in detail in my articles about self-connection.

It’s deep work. It takes time. But it’s absolutely essential.

Because you can’t enjoy your own company if you’re faking who you are, even when no one else is watching.

2. Removing Social Media (Instagram)

This was another tough one.

Social media, especially Instagram because it is so visual, is designed to make you feel like everyone else is living a better, fuller, more connected life than you are. Every scroll reinforces the idea that you’re missing out, that your life isn’t enough, that being alone means you’re failing somehow. I remember my ex-girlfriend got immediately disappointed about our weekend when she saw her girlfriend’s reels and stories on Instagram.

I wrote an entire article about why I removed the app and how it affected me, but here’s the short version: as long as I constantly compared my quiet Saturday night to someone else’s life snapshots, I couldn’t be happy alone. The comparison was poison.

When I deleted it, something shifted. My alone time stopped feeling like evidence that I was losing at life. It just became my time. Without the constant feed of other people’s highlight reels, I could finally see my own life clearly. And it was actually pretty good.

If you’re struggling to be happy alone while scrolling through Instagram daily, you’re fighting an uphill battle. The app is literally engineered to make you feel inadequate.

Give yourself a fighting chance and take a break from it.

3. Spending Actual Time Alone (A Lot)

This sounds obvious, but hear me out: most people who say they want to be happy alone are actually avoiding being alone.

They fill every silence with podcasts, music, TV shows, or scrolling. They schedule back-to-back plans so they’re never home for more than a few hours. They treat alone time like something to get through as quickly as possible.

But you can’t become comfortable with something you’re constantly running from.

I had to deliberately create space for real solitude. Not just being physically alone while my brain was occupied with noise, but actually being with myself. Sitting in silence. Going for runs without headphones. Yes, I do that sometimes for 3 hours without having any problem with it. Cooking without the TV on. Eating dinner at my own table without my phone.

At first, it was uncomfortable. My mind would race. I’d feel restless. But gradually, I started to hear my own thoughts. I started to notice what I actually wanted to do with my time. I started to enjoy my own company.

You have to spend time with yourself to learn who you are. And you have to know who you are to be happy alone.

4. Being Physically and Mentally Active

When I’m inactive, when I’m just sitting around scrolling or watching TV for hours, I feel terrible. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone or with people. Inactivity makes me feel sluggish, purposeless, and low.

You might not realize the difference because you’ve been inactive for so long that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be full of energy from living an active lifestyle.

Running has become one of my primary ways of being happy alone. It’s my time. It’s when I think, process, and sometimes just exist without thinking at all. I started running seriously a few years ago, and it transformed not just my body but my entire relationship with solitude.

If you’re interested in starting, I wrote a beginner’s guide that covers everything you need to know to kick off.

But it doesn’t have to be running. It can be lifting weights, doing yoga, hiking, or dancing in your living room, anything that gets you moving. Physical activity releases endorphins, yes, but more importantly, it gives you a sense of accomplishment. It proves to yourself that you can do hard things. And that confidence spills over into everything else.

Mental activity matters too.

Reading, writing, learning something new, or working on a project you care about makes alone time feel rich instead of empty. You don’t have to be fully analog. I’ve also subscribed to many good YouTube channels and I try to learn from those selected people, but it happens on purpose and not just as background noise.

When you’re actively engaged in something meaningful, being alone doesn’t feel like absence. It feels like presence.

5. Doing Hard Things

This one surprised me at the beginning.

I used to think happiness came from comfort, ease, and relaxation. The well-known warm bath with candles, steaks, ice cream, and hedonic stuff. But I’ve learned that some of the most satisfying moments of my life came from doing things that were difficult.

Running a marathon. Learning a new skill. Pushing through a challenging project. Having a hard conversation with myself about who I want to be. I remember when I wrote down all my bad behaviors I had in relationships or at work and I got red and nervous saying those things out loud because I felt ashamed, but those things had to come out.

These things don’t make me happy in the moment. They’re uncomfortable, even painful sometimes. But they give me something deeper: satisfaction, contentment, self-respect.

When you do hard things alone, you prove to yourself that you’re capable.

And that knowledge changes everything. You stop seeing yourself as someone who needs to be rescued or entertained. You start seeing yourself as someone who can handle life.

6. Planning Things (Otherwise Nothing Happens)

Here’s an unglamorous truth: if you don’t plan your alone time, you’ll probably waste it.

And I’m going to destroy the romantic illusion of being spontaneous because it’s a myth that if you don’t plan but act spontaneously, you experience more and better things in life than when you plan.

That’s not true.

It’s called survivorship bias. It happens when we only see the “survivors” or successful cases and ignore the failures. This creates a distorted view, making success seem easier or more likely than it really is. We all have that one story when we didn’t plan anything on a Saturday and it turned into one of the best nights of our lives.

Well, how many stories like that do we actually have? I can count them on one hand.

On the other hand, I’ve missed many good concert tickets, movie tickets, cheap flights, great hotels, good spots on the beach, trains, buses, people, and experiences because I didn’t plan.

And I can tell you that with planning, I will always win over spontaneity. Because if you plan, then it will actually happen. It’s not speculation.

If you don’t plan, your life will look like this:

You’ll tell yourself you’re going to do something meaningful, but you’ll end up scrolling for three hours. You’ll think about going for a run, but you’ll stay on the couch. You’ll imagine cooking a nice meal, but you’ll order takeout and eat it while watching Netflix.

I’m not saying you need to schedule every minute. But having some structure helps.

Knowing that Saturday morning is for a long run, Saturday afternoon is for cooking, and Saturday evening is for reading makes alone time feel intentional instead of aimless.

Plan the things that matter to you. Otherwise, the default activities (scrolling, watching, numbing) will fill the space.

You Still Need People (And That’s Okay)

Here’s something I already mentioned above, but it is important and gets overlooked in most articles about being happy alone:

Learning to be happy alone doesn’t mean you don’t want or need connection.

Let me say that again: Being happy alone is not the same as preferring isolation or rejecting relationships.

It means you’re not desperate for connection.

It means you can be alone without falling apart. It means you choose connection from a place of wholeness, not from a place of lack.

This is crucial because some people hear “be happy alone” and think it means becoming a hermit, cutting people off, or convincing yourself you don’t need anyone.

That’s not what this is about.

The strongest, healthiest relationships happen when both people are whole on their own.

When you’re happy alone, you don’t need the other person to complete you or save you from yourself. You choose them because they add something beautiful to an already good life.

In my article about how to find friends in adulthood, I talked about the challenges of building connection as adults. But here’s the connection between that piece and this one: You can pursue friendship from a place of abundance, not desperation.

When you’re comfortable alone, you’re not clinging to every potential friendship out of fear. You’re not staying in bad relationships because you can’t handle being single. You’re not saying yes to plans you don’t want just to avoid an empty weekend.

You’re free to choose wisely.

And paradoxically, that makes you better at relationships. Because you’re showing up as your real self, not a desperate version of yourself trying to avoid loneliness.

Being happy alone doesn’t make you anti-social. It makes you selectively social. And that’s a good thing.

What Freedom Actually Feels Like

Being happy alone is one of the most liberating skills you can develop.

It’s not about isolation.

It’s not about convincing yourself you don’t need people.

It’s about self-sufficiency, about knowing that you can be okay, that you can even thrive, regardless of your circumstances.

When you’re comfortable alone, you’re free to choose your company wisely. You’re free to say no to relationships that don’t serve you. You’re free to spend your time the way you actually want to spend it, not the way you think you’re supposed to.

This is learnable. This is achievable.

You’re not broken if you’re not there yet. I wasn’t there for 35 years. And some days, I still struggle with it. But the direction matters more than the destination.

Start small. Spend an hour alone without distraction. Notice what comes up. Work on accepting yourself a little more each day. Remove the things (like social media) that make you feel inadequate. Add the things (like movement, meaningful projects) that make you feel alive.

The goal isn’t to never need anyone. The goal is to be okay with yourself so that when you do connect with others, you’re doing it from strength, not from desperation.

That’s freedom.

And it’s worth every uncomfortable step it takes to get there.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

Leave a comment

Reference

Nguyen, T., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2018). “Solitude as an Approach to Affective Self-Regulation.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(1), 92-106. [This study found that when people actively choose to be alone, solitude leads to relaxation and reduced stress, but when solitude is forced, those benefits disappear]

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Do you remember how you found friends as a teenager or at university?

Because I don’t. I didn’t look for friends.

Sometimes I woke up in my shared apartment and there were ten people in the kitchen, half of them strangers. I wanted to make coffee, but someone had already made one for me, so I lit a cigarette and got to know five new people before I even got dressed. At university, I attended various seminars where I mixed with different people almost every week. Standing outside the classroom and deciding not to go to the seminar, deciding instead to go get a drink with someone, wasn’t uncommon.

We had all the time in the world.

I didn’t need a strategy to find new friends because I spent my days with many different people. Not all of them became my friends, but the probability of finding the right ones was extremely high, like a lion that doesn’t need to learn how to hunt when prey is abundant.

Then we graduated and started thinking about other things besides spending the whole day together, drinking, and partying.

All the fun things were replaced by responsibilities, goals, work, and plans. Friends moved to other cities or countries to pursue their own lives.

At my first job, my colleagues and I tried to live the same life we had in college, but that wasn’t sustainable.

The evenings we spent together became shorter. A meeting at nine the next morning would send us home after one beer.

“I have to get up early tomorrow, so I have to go home.”

This sentence became the standard way to call it a day. I also got more tired because working full time is something different from attending a couple of seminars at university.

So I started seeing people less and less. I realized I needed to pay more attention to my body, so I replaced “hanging out” time with gym sessions, jogging, and cooking. Other people replaced me with quality time with partners, visiting parents, or decorating their new apartments. Road trips together were replaced by resort vacations on an island with romantic partners.

The time I spent with people kept shrinking.

Everyone became extremely busy.

Full weekend get-togethers turned into one-hour coffee meetings, just a quick update on how we were doing, then back home because tomorrow was work.

I don’t blame anyone.

I also started to focus on my own dreams and decided against going out every weekend like I used to.

Still, there’s a need for good company, but this need has changed over the years.

At college, I wasn’t choosy at all. Hanging out with people who wanted to party and have a good time was easy.

Everyone wanted the same thing.

In adulthood, we know much more about what we want. People have specific hobbies and varied interests, and it’s rarely about just drinking and partying anymore.

We have higher standards, and finding those like-minded soulmates became difficult. The old way, having no strategy to find new friends, won’t really work in adulthood. But the good thing is that we’re not completely helpless.

There are ways that can help us meet those soulmates in adulthood as well, but we need to do a bit more than we did in our younger years.

Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.

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What Changed (And Why)

Before we get into the strategies, it’s important to understand why making new friends is so difficult when you’re an adult.

The Great Scattering

When you finish school or university, everyone disperses. People chase jobs in different cities, move countries for opportunities, or return to their hometowns. The tight-knit bubble you lived in for years, where everyone was within walking distance, suddenly explodes. Your social circle, which once felt permanent, scatters across the map.

This isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just what happens. But it fundamentally changes the conditions for friendship.

The Loss of Natural Structures

Think about how friendships formed when you were younger. You didn’t have to try. You sat next to the same people in class every day. You lived in the same dorm. You saw each other at the cafeteria, at parties, in the library. You had built-in proximity, repeated unplanned interactions that happened naturally.

As adults, these structures disappear. You work in an office (or remotely from home). You commute alone. You run errands alone. The natural containers that once held your social life, classrooms, dorms, daily hangouts, are gone. And without them, friendships don’t just happen anymore.

Social psychologists have studied this for decades. They call it the “proximity principle,” people who are physically close to each other and interact regularly are far more likely to develop friendships.

In childhood and college, this was automatic. In adulthood, it requires intention.

The Time Factor

Here’s something that surprised me when I first learned it: it takes about 50 hours of time together to move from acquaintance to casual friend. It takes around 90 hours to become friends. And it takes over 200 hours to develop a close friendship.

Let that sink in. Two hundred hours.

When you’re in college, spending 200 hours with someone happens almost by accident. You take the same classes, you study together, you hang out on weekends, you grab meals together. The hours accumulate quickly.

But as an adult? When you’re working full time, managing a household, trying to exercise, maybe raising kids or caring for aging parents, finding 200 hours to spend with someone new feels nearly impossible.

A one-hour coffee date once a month means it would take over 16 years to reach that threshold. No wonder adult friendships feel so hard to build.

The research is clear: time is the most important factor in friendship formation. And time is exactly what adults don’t have.

Competing Responsibilities

Work demands more from you than university ever did. Romantic relationships take energy. If you have kids, they consume entire evenings and weekends. Aging parents may need your support. Your body requires more care, gym time, meal prep, actual sleep instead of pulling all-nighters.

All of these are important. All of these are worth doing. But they leave less room for the leisurely, spontaneous socializing that once defined your life.

And here’s the thing: everyone else is dealing with the same squeeze. So even when you do have free time, coordinating schedules becomes a logistical nightmare. The friend you want to see is traveling for work. Another is dealing with a family emergency. Someone else just had a baby and hasn’t slept in three weeks.

It’s exhausting. And it makes friendship feel like just another task on an already overwhelming to-do list.

The Three Missing Pillars

Motivational speaker Mel Robbins talks about three essential conditions for friendship: proximity, timing, and energy.

Proximity is about physical closeness, how often you actually see someone face to face.

Timing refers to being in similar life stages. When you and your friends are all navigating the same challenges, graduating, starting careers, getting married, raising kids, you share a living thread of experience that makes connection almost effortless.

Energy is harder to define, but you know it when you feel it. It’s chemistry. It’s whether you click with someone, whether conversations flow naturally, whether you actually like how they move through the world.

In childhood and college, all three pillars were usually present. In adulthood, they rarely align. Your closest friends might live across the country (no proximity). They might be married with three kids while you’re single and traveling (different timing). Or you might meet someone at the right time and place, but the energy just isn’t there.

When even one of these pillars is missing, friendship becomes much harder. When all three are missing, it can feel impossible.

Here’s the key message: It’s not you. It’s structural. This is completely normal.

You’re not broken. You haven’t “lost your touch” with people. The conditions that once made friendship easy have simply changed. And once you understand that, you can stop blaming yourself and start working with the reality in front of you.

How to Rebuild the Conditions for Friendship

Now that we understand why adult friendships are hard, let’s talk about what actually works. The ingredients for making new friends are the same as they’ve always been: proximity, recurring exposure (time), and depth (energy). The difference is that now, as adults, we have to create these conditions intentionally instead of having them handed to us.

Show Up Consistently

The single most important thing you can do is put yourself in situations where you see the same people regularly. This isn’t about networking events or one-off meetups. It’s about finding activities you genuinely enjoy and committing to them week after week.

Join a running club. Take a weekly yoga class. Volunteer at the same organization every month. Sign up for a book club, a language exchange, a pottery workshop. The specific activity matters less than the consistency.

Why? Because familiarity builds connection. Psychologists call this the “mere exposure effect,” the more we see someone, the more we tend to like them. The first time you see someone at a running club, they’re a stranger. The third time, you recognize each other. By the tenth time, you’re chatting before the run starts. By the twentieth, you might suggest grabbing coffee afterward.

Consistency matters more than intensity. You don’t need to spend eight hours with someone once. You need to spend one hour with them eight times. The repetition is what creates the foundation for friendship.

Quick note: Having the same interests, like running, yoga, or playing video games, is not a guarantee of being soulmates. These activities only give you a platform for recurring exposure to each other.

Be the Initiator

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: most people are waiting for someone else to reach out. Everyone wants connection, but no one wants to risk rejection by being the one who suggests plans.

Be the person who takes the risk.

After a good conversation with someone at your running club, say, “Hey, would you want to grab coffee next week?” When you meet someone interesting at a work event, follow up with a specific invitation: “I’m going to that new exhibit on Saturday, want to join?”

Yes, some people will say no. That’s okay. They might be genuinely busy. They might not be looking for new friends right now. It’s not personal.

But many people will say yes. And you’ll never know unless you ask.

The worst that happens is a polite decline. The best that happens is you find a new friend. Take the chance.

Invest the Time

Remember those numbers? Fifty hours for a casual friend. Two hundred hours for a close friend.

There’s no way around it. You have to invest the time.

This doesn’t mean you need to dedicate your entire life to one person. It means being intentional about spending time with people you want to grow closer to. Say yes to invitations. Invite them to things you’re already doing. Suggest a monthly dinner or a weekly walk.

And here’s an important detail: time spent working together doesn’t count nearly as much. The research shows that hours logged at the office or on work projects don’t build friendships the same way that leisure time does. You need time where you can actually relax, let your guard down, and have real conversations.

This is why activities like grabbing a beer, going for a hike, cooking dinner together, or just hanging out and talking are so valuable. They create space for the kind of connection that builds friendship.

Look for Repeated Touchpoints

One-off hangouts are nice, but they don’t build friendships. What works is creating a regular rhythm.

Weekly runs with the same group. Monthly game nights. A standing coffee date every other Friday. Book club on the first Tuesday of the month.

These repeated touchpoints do two things.

First, they remove the friction of constantly planning. YYou don’t have to coordinate schedules every time, you already know when you’ll see each other.

Second, they build anticipation and continuity. Your friendship isn’t dependent on remembering to text, it has its own momentum.

Find or create these rhythms wherever you can. They’re the adult equivalent of seeing someone in class every day.

Not Everyone Needs to Be Your Best Friend

In my opinion, adjusting your expectations is an essential part of making new friends. Many people go out with a black-and-white mindset: if somebody doesn’t invite them immediately to the next barbecue party and doesn’t share their deepest personal secrets, they’re disappointed and stop investing in the relationship.

Quick note: Here comes one of my favorite rules of life, the expectation fallacy. It means that everything in life will take longer than you expect. It applies to making new friends as well. Keep it in mind.

But there’s one more thing about expectation adjustment, and it’s this:

Not every person you meet and connect with will become your friend.

This was a crucial learning in my life because it helped me adjust my behavior toward people I regularly meet. For example, people in my gym. I see them regularly, and we say hello, ask about our weeks and how we’re doing, but then that’s it. Just because we’re in the same gym and share the same interest doesn’t mean we have to be friends.

After I understood this, I was much more relaxed in these short small-talk situations. I learned how to exit the conversation naturally: “I’m happy to hear that you had a great week. Enjoy your workout! See you!” , and that’s it.

But don’t get me wrong.

These connections are not less valuable just because we don’t share our deepest thoughts. These are acquaintances. And I welcome them very much because I always have people around me in the gym I can talk to, but I don’t have to. Of course, there’s always a chance that one of these connections will naturally deepen over time, but you don’t have to push it if it doesn’t feel authentic.

Until then, accept them as an enrichment to your life.

These lighter connections, what researchers sometimes call “weak ties,” actually matter more than you might think. They reduce loneliness, make daily life more pleasant, and create a sense of community even without deep intimacy. Not everyone needs to be your best friend. Some people are just friendly faces in your life, and that’s perfectly okay.

The Marathon, Not the Sprint

Making friends in adulthood is hard. It takes more effort, more intention, and more time than it did when you were younger. The structures that once made friendship easy, proximity, unplanned interactions, shared life stages, are gone.

But you’re not helpless.

You can create the conditions for friendship. You can show up consistently. You can be the one who initiates. You can invest the time. You can adjust your expectations and appreciate the different kinds of connections that enrich your life.

It won’t happen overnight.

Remember the expectation fallacy, it will take longer than you think. But if you keep showing up, keep reaching out, and keep investing in the people who feel right, you’ll find your people.

The journey back to yourself and to real connection is a marathon, not a sprint. And like any marathon, it requires showing up, mile after mile, even when it’s hard.

The friends you make in adulthood might not form as quickly as they did in college. But they’ll be built on intention, shared values, and genuine effort.

And that makes them worth every hour.

Until you make some new friends, you should also focus on another important aspect of life: learning to be happy alone.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David

Leave a comment

References

Hall, J. A. (2019). “How many hours does it take to make a friend?” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. [The foundational study on the 50/90/200 hour finding]

Dunbar, R. I. M. (2025). “Why friendship and loneliness affect our health.” Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences. [On the health impacts of friendship and loneliness]

Pezirkianidis, C., et al. (2023). “Adult friendship and wellbeing: A systematic review.” Frontiers in Psychology. [Shows friendship quality predicts wellbeing]

Robbins, M. (2025). The Let Them Theory. [The “three pillars” framework I reference]

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