How to start your personal growth
Personal growth starts when you begin questioning the things you are completely sure about or, if I want to take it one step further, the things you haven’t even been aware of yet.
Start questioning the things you are completely sure about? What?
The things I’m not aware of?
Yes.
First, you should develop awareness because only then can you identify those tiny everyday decisions you make. You’ll be able to understand them, question them, and eventually change them.
How can you develop self-awareness?
Self-awareness is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets and the easier it becomes to use. For me today, it almost works on autopilot. I don’t even need to force myself to think about my thoughts and decisions. It sounds crazy, but it wasn’t always this way. I also can’t afford to be lazy and take this “muscle” for granted because it can easily become biased.
Self-awareness came into my life when I was 24 years old. Back then, I had toxic, rude behavior towards people for no reason. It started with a feeling that something was wrong. I felt guilty, but I wasn’t sure why. Out of intrinsic motivation, I went to my first therapy session.
Ask Why
Therapy kicked off my journey, but in my opinion, it’s not necessary if you want to start building self-awareness.
After my first experience, I began to question my actions more often. For example, when I decided to travel to New Zealand, I asked myself: Why do I want to do this?
It turned out that it was my inner rebel who clicked the “book this flight” button. I bought the ticket to Auckland because the voice of my parents was also in my head, saying: “You should delay this trip, you can do it next year.” In my family, “next year” usually meant “never.” So it became clear that my rebel wanted to fight against these old voices from my childhood, voices rooted in fear and insecurity.
Once I understood my thoughts and feelings, I realized that traveling to the other side of the world was actually a good decision. My rebel shouldn’t take full control of my life, but I’ve learned that this part of me can bring balance to the small, insecure child inside me and give him the courage to do things he once only dreamed of, but never dared to do because of the rules of my childhood.
Another example I love - although it’s silly - is a small but meaningful change I achieved through self-awareness.
I live next to a city park where I often go for walks to clear my mind and get my steps in. One day during lunch, I was walking towards a group of teenagers sitting on a bench, laughing and having a good time. Suddenly, I felt warm. My body went into stress mode. I noticed a path to the right that I could take to avoid passing them. I had almost decided to turn, but then I stopped and asked myself: Why do I want to turn right when I normally go straight?
Then I knew.
I was afraid of their looks. Afraid they would criticize or laugh at me.
Why?
Because deep down, I didn’t feel good enough. My mind spiraled down with a thousand arguments for why I should turn right.
But then, my “black belt” awareness kicked in, and I caught myself in the moment. I told myself: I can’t be a grown man, walking in a park, changing my path just because of a group of teenagers! If I give in here, this will repeat itself in many other areas of my life.
So I straightened my back and walked right past them.
And you know what? They didn’t even notice me. They were busy laughing at something on one of their phones.
I smiled. I was so close to running away, but I didn’t. And in that moment, I became stronger.
Be Honest (as David Beckham said)
Now you can see how I practice self-awareness in my daily life. And you probably noticed its most important ingredient: honesty.
I cannot emphasize this enough: real personal development only works when you are completely honest with yourself.
Easier said than done.
Being brutally honest with yourself can be incredibly depressing and disappointing. Writing down your darkest behaviors and facing them alone is hard. You suddenly realize how many things you could change, and it can feel overwhelming.
Here’s the list I wrote after my last relationship ended, when I decided to change my life:
I create guilt to control others.
I get offended just to make them feel bad.
I put myself first, even when I shouldn’t.
I feel rejected when they choose something else.
I ignore their passions and hobbies.
I don’t support them with friends, work, or family.
I see change as a threat.
I fear I’ll lose them because I’m not enough.
I use emotional blackmail.
I criticize their friends.
I try to isolate them from others.
I make them dependent on me so I can feel important.
I react badly to criticism or advice.
I believe I give more than I get.
I feel wronged and mistreated.
I live in fear of being abandoned.
It’s still hard to read this list and imagine what my life would look like if I let these old feelings control my behavior.
But after writing it all down and facing myself in the mirror, I finally knew exactly who I was. No more secrets. No more lies. Just me and the truth.
That is liberating.
Because now I know what I’m dealing with. I know who I am, and I know what I can expect from myself. And the best part? I can change.
I’m in charge.
Not some hidden identity. Not the traumatized child in me. Just me.
Don’t get me wrong! Those other parts of me are still there, and they always will be. But they no longer sit at the top of the hierarchy. They don’t get to make decisions without my permission.
Who’s in the room?
When you start being honest with yourself, you’ll begin to recognize the many identities inside you: the rebel, the sad child, the protector, even the brutal self-destroyer.
Imagine it like a group session. You sit in a circle with all these inner team members and listen to them.
Letting them speak means being honest with yourself. It means you stop suppressing those parts of you. After listening to them, you get to make the final decision, just like I did when the little kid inside me told me to turn right in the park, but I didn’t.
With practice, this inner conversation becomes second nature. You’ll instinctively know how to deal with each part of yourself. Over time, the evaluation process will become faster, and your awareness will become stronger.
Start Today!
Everything I wrote above will only work if you willingly start working on yourself. If you do it just because other people told you to, it won't work. This is a decision you need to make when you are alone. It has to be a promise to yourself, not for your parents, your partner, or your kids. No one can force you.
It has to come from deep within, and it has to be a deal with yourself.
Once you’ve made that decision, start by writing down a few things you know about yourself but would never dare to say out loud.
Write them down.
Read them out loud.
Let those sentences take up space and the moment. In the beginning, you don’t need to do anything else. From my experience, once I started being honest with myself, the process began to work automatically. Saying out loud that I manipulate people to get what I want affected me immediately.
This is the hardest part if you truly want to change yourself and start your personal development journey.
Important Side Note
Don’t get me wrong. Personal development doesn’t necessarily mean that you are “broken” or that it’s only about changing bad behaviors. Personal development can also mean something softer, like becoming more open to the world, improving communication with your partner, or accepting the people around you as they are.
I also recently had another shift in my thinking that I’ll write about another time. It’s about how I think about death and how I’ve realized that we, as humans, still don’t understand so many things about our existence.
But if you started today, what would be the first thing in your life you’d want to work on?
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Amazing👍