I Learned Empathy the Hard Way
The Breakup That Changed the Way I See People
I’ve Always Judged People Who Can’t Get Their Shit Together
Judging others fades when we confront our own struggles.
Do something!
Find a way!
Unfortunate people triggered a negative reaction in me. I thought they were simply lazy, victims of their own stupidity.
“He’s probably drinking too much. He should quit alcohol.”
“She’s a drug addict. No wonder she’s so fucked up.”
I admit these were my thoughts. Because I had broken the chains of my past and survived my parents’ terror, I saw myself as a fighter, a survivor. That gave me a false confidence to judge everyone else who had hit rock bottom.
If I made it, you can make it too. That was how I looked at people in their struggles.
Arrogant.
But then a higher power, God or the universe, seemed to be watching me and thought:
He needs another lesson.
Karma showed up and pushed me into my deepest depression, into helplessness.
The Breakup That Nearly Killed Me
Sometimes love is not enough to keep us afloat.
I was proud of myself for my achievements in personal development, but I forgot to stay humble and keep learning. I ignored my other flaws, like codependency.
When the love of my life broke up with me for the first time, I was completely destroyed. It was not my first relationship, but it felt like the one. Waking up next to her, looking at her sleeping body, I felt as if all the stars in the universe had aligned. My body, my mind, and my heart all said yes.
I knew I had found her, the woman of my life.
But reality unfolded differently. We moved in together, and everything changed quickly. The way we imagined daily life was completely different. The more time we spent together, the more friction appeared. Still, I was naive. I believed love was the only ingredient we needed.
I was wrong.
Within six months of living together, our relationship ended.
She managed to move out quickly, leaving me in that big penthouse on my own. I could not drink or smoke enough to numb myself. On top of heartbreak, I had to search for a new apartment, move out, work, and start over.
I remember one day while searching for a new flat. I stood in the rain without an umbrella, diarrhea caused by extreme stress, waiting for the landlord. That day, I just wanted to die.
It was too much.
Eventually, I moved into a new apartment. But nothing stirred inside me. I even escaped to Portugal, hoping the sun, the beach and palm trees could wake something in me.
My brain had shut down my emotions to protect me from further suffering.
I thought a new apartment and a vacation would bring me back to life, but I was still naive. Nothing brought me joy, not even the simplest tasks. Some days, taking out the trash was all I could manage, wondering:
Why bother at all?
Complete senselessness dominated my consciousness.
Therapy helped me understand that I was dealing with depression. The breakup had triggered a post-traumatic response. I had lost the most important person in my life, and I simply could not cope.
Crying Myself Back to Life
Pain doesn’t teach gently. But it teaches deeply.
Months passed, and the pain did not ease.
Most of the time, I lay on the couch crying. The idea of starting over without the love of my life held no meaning. Friends came by, trying to distract me.
I worked out in the gym, but the emptiness remained. Nothing brought back the sense of life.
During this time, I often asked myself:
What do other people do in situations like this?
On my darkest days, suicide even crossed my mind. It terrified me, because I had never imagined I could be the kind of person who would consider ending my own life.
When the pain became unbearable, I made a gin tonic, smoked on the balcony, then made six more drinks. I eventually passed out on the couch, enjoying a brief release in my soul.
The next day, I paid the price with guilt, headaches, and deeper depression.
This cycle lasted almost eight months.
What helped me survive was reading about other people’s misery. Relationship experts said healing from heartbreak usually takes around one year. That gave me perspective.
I hated people who told me I should feel better after two weeks.
One article, written by a woman, struck me. She wrote that I should not expect better feelings anytime soon, that it would take a long while to feel whole again. Oddly, that was sobering and comforting. I let go of expectations, and that helped. The less I fought the pain, the lighter it felt.
I wore out my couch from crying so many hours on it. But eventually, I did not mind.
Somebody once said, crying is the cleaning of our soul.
Now I believe that too.
From Judgment to Compassion
Experiencing our own depths opens our eyes to others’ suffering.
About 11 months after being dumped, life slowly started to return. The inner world was still fragile, but the belief in being able to make it grew stronger.
I remember riding the subway into the city to meet friends. A man sat across from me with a bag full of beers. He was alone, sadness in his eyes. His beard and hair were unkempt, his clothes careless. He was not homeless, but his expression told me he was not in a good place.
I almost cried looking at him.
Maybe he had lost someone he loved. Maybe he lost his job and needed relief from drinking.
A year earlier, I would have judged him harshly.
“He is drinking publicly.”
“He is a loser. Get your life together.”
But now, the only thing I felt was empathy.
I hoped he was alright.
Experiencing my own depths of despair helped me notice others’ suffering in a new way. My perception had shifted. Rock bottom, suicidal thoughts, and months of hopelessness had taught me an important lesson about life.
From my pain, I began to see the world differently.
What Rock Bottom Taught Me
True understanding comes from walking through your own darkness.
Everyone has their own story.
We might not know it, but it exists. People who jump off buildings do not do it without a reason. A homeless person can tell you hours of stories about how they ended up on the street.
Sure, some people might be lazy, careless, or make poor choices. But for most, life is never that simple. Everything can turn from a fairy tale to pure hell in an instant. In that hell, each of us is left alone to figure out how to crawl back.
I was lucky that my way back to life took only 11 months. Others may face more challenging situations and take five years or more to find their way back.
Judging others for being in difficult situations is not fair. We do not know what happened to them, and in the same circumstances, we might sink even deeper.
Today, I know that.
Read more:
From Anxiety to Freedom: Overcoming the Spotlight Effect
I’m Everyone’s Target – How I Learned to Be in the Spotlight
Lame! – The Digital Critic in Your Head
For a long time, I didn’t recognize the app’s effect on me, and as a result, I never truly found myself.
Sad that you had to go through tough times but good that others now benefit from your empathy.
I love my work as a coach but one thing I continue to find challenging is that most people have to go through something themselves before they learn. Unfortunately I have to admit that this often applies to me too.