Nobody Was Watching and I Have Never Felt More Alive
The moments that require no audience are usually the ones that tell you the most about who you actually are.
Reading time: 6 minutes
Welcome and thank you for being here. Running Home is a weekly newsletter about awareness, self-reliance, health, and freedom. Real stories, honest struggles, and the hard-won lessons from someone who chose to change his life completely.
If this resonates, Subscribe and join 450 readers.
The man who goes alone can start today, but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready. — Henry David Thoreau
I am writing this from Tenerife, a day after hiking Montana Blanca alone in strong wind with nobody around for miles. I have not stopped smiling since.
There was only one free slot in the parking place at Montana Blanca so I took it as a sign of invitation.
I got out of the car, put on my hiking boots and windbreaker.
The moment I walked away from the road the silence hit me.
There was no wind at that moment and at more than 2000 meters above sea level on the side of a volcano there was no sound of nature either.
I stopped for a second because it felt uncomfortable.
It had been a while since I experienced such silence around me.
On both sides, rocky hills rose with their desert orange color. I looked up and there were small caves in those walls.
Before me, just a dusty endless path with some spots covered with snow.
My first thought was that I was on Mars. Or in Star Wars when C-3PO and R2-D2 head toward Jabba’s palace to rescue Han Solo. I smiled thinking about how little fuzzy creatures might be watching me from above waiting for the right moment to catch me.
Having these thoughts eased the discomfort I felt in those first minutes so I continued walking.
Since I rarely wear earbuds to listen to music or podcasts, the only option was to spend time with my own thoughts. Fortunately, years of marathon training and enough time spent alone had prepared me for these situations and I didn’t panic knowing that the next few hours were going to be between me and myself.
I heard the crunch of my steps and as I gained elevation the wind woke up, cold enough to keep patches of snow frozen on the ground despite the sun burning overhead.
The wind came in waves, each one announcing itself before it hit. When it arrived fully it was a deep constant roar that filled everything around me, and my hood vibrated against my head like it was trying to tear loose.
This was the moment I started smiling more. In my mind I stepped outside myself for a second, seeing the scene from above — a guy walking his own way on a volcano, feeling great about it.
I felt proud about the decision I had made to go on another adventure without asking for permission or waiting for somebody to join me. The feeling of being alive, of freedom, of living deliberately. Exactly the things I write about, lived out in reality, with me as the author of my own life.
I remember when I was 27, green and insecure, and decided to go on my first adventure alone. Back then I had no clear idea about what mattered to me, but there was one strong thought in the back of my head:
If you don’t do it, it won’t happen.
I knew I had to go alone. I couldn’t wait for other people to join me, for the next summer, the next year, or the next decade.
But don’t get me wrong. It was never about wanting to be alone on these journeys.
It was about going on them regardless of the company.
After an hour of ascending I reached 2500 meters and the wind turned into a roaring invisible force that pushed my legs sideways with every step. But at that point turning back was not something I could consider.
I was smiling even more. Because now I wasn’t only a guy hiking alone on a volcano.
In my head I was on a mission, like Indiana Jones facing danger and risk without hesitation.
So I kept going.
There is a guy at the gym where I show up two or three times a week.
He is the same age as me, 39.
We usually exchange a few words when we see each other before focusing on our workouts.
Last time we ended up sitting next to each other after the sauna, I asked him about his vacation plans for this year.
“Do you have any plans for this summer?” I asked.
“It depends,” he said.
“Depends on what?”
“On whether I meet a girl or not.”
I looked at him for a second. “Why does your vacation plan depend on that?”
“Well, I don’t like doing all the travel stuff alone. Cooking, buying groceries, booking hotels. It’s better to share it with someone so I don’t have to do everything by myself.”
“Have you met anyone recently? Are you dating?”
“I’m trying,” he said. “The last date didn’t work out so I keep trying.”
I accepted what he said and we moved on.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterward.
He is waiting to meet someone in order to start living the life he wants. And maybe traveling is not even his biggest dream.
Maybe it is something else entirely.
But the pattern is the same.
He has decided that whatever he wants requires another person to be possible first.
That is not a travel problem.
That is a life problem.
And I kept asking myself the same two questions on the way home.
What if he never meets her?
And what if he does, but she doesn’t want to travel or do the things he loves?
After almost two hours I arrived at a crossing on the path.
One way leading to the peak of the volcano was closed due to stormy weather conditions but the other was only a 300 meter walk to the end of my hiking route.
Without hesitation I turned left and walked that short distance to the finish.
A few jumps and balancing acts over a deep snow patch and I was there.
Standing there I started laughing.
Even now, writing about it, I am smiling because it was such a strong moment of aliveness.
Up there in that windstorm, able to see far in almost every direction, with nobody around to validate the moment for me.
As you can probably guess, I didn’t need that.
I will never forget this experience.
The hike was not difficult and it was never about doing the hardest thing possible.
It was about proving to myself again that it does not matter where I came from, how good my genetics are, how handsome I am, or how rich my parents are.
If I make a plan, follow my interests, and stop waiting for permission from others or from society, I can achieve almost anything.
What I felt was pride.
Because I know how many people refuse to get off the couch and do something about their life.
They are waiting like the guy from my gym.
For a girl, a man, a Monday, next year, the lottery, a new job, the approval of friends and parents.
Meanwhile their whole life passes waiting for the right moment.
I encourage you to start living deliberately.
Life is too short to spend it waiting.
So the next time you have something on your mind that you really want to do, make a plan and do it without hesitation.
Never once have I regretted a decision I made to make myself feel alive and go after what I want.
You won’t either.
Thank you for reading.
It means a lot that you spent your time here.
If this resonated with you, the best thing you can do is share it with someone who needs to read it. A comment or a like also means more than you think, it tells me that this kind of writing is worth continuing.
And if you are not yet subscribed, you are welcome to join the journey below.