When I Realized That Something Was Wrong With Me

Running Home - Step #4

I had just landed the first real job of my life.

After years of struggle and uncertainty — never really finding what I wanted to do — I ended up in a junior IT program. A large IT service provider was hiring people who could speak German. I applied, and they gave me a chance to prove that I could learn the technical part quickly.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my hidden impostor syndrome helped me nail every task I was assigned during that first year. I started to feel better in my own skin — I could finally breathe. The existential fear began to loosen its grip, and I was able to focus on other parts of my life.

I thought I was on the right track.

It was summer. I had just finished work for the day and was about to leave the building. But before heading out, I needed to hand something over to the guy at reception.

He was kind of a facility manager, dealing with all sorts of topics. He was bald, a bit older than me, but always kind and polite.

That day, when I gave him the documents, he asked what they were and what he was supposed to do with them.

I looked at him, smiled, and said:

"Well, I guess that’s what you’re here for, right?"

Then I stepped into the elevator and left the building.

I was walking down the street, heading home in the soft light of the sunset, when I had to stop. Something didn’t feel right.

There was a question in my head, and it hit me hard:

Why was I so rude to this guy just now?

At the time, I was 24 and had no idea why I tried to make this man feel small.

Why I wanted to show him that I was somehow “above” him in life.

In that moment, I truly wanted that — to feel above. It came out of me almost automatically, but it left a bitter aftertaste.

That afternoon, I went home.

And for the first time, I started searching for a psychologist and my self-discovery has began