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“Nothing in life is as important as you think it is while you are thinking about it.” — Daniel Kahneman
I’ve started paying more attention to the state I’m in before I trust the decisions I want to make.
I arrived at the restaurant after a very stressful day at work and told my good friend that I wasn’t going to run the Chicago Marathon.
He was quite surprised and asked me why.
I started telling him that it was too expensive, that I didn’t like the idea of ICE in the US, that it would be way too exhausting to travel again after my vacation, and a few other things.
I had a lot of reasons in my head.
It almost felt like I wanted to convince myself instead of explaining it to him, and I was totally convinced.
A few weeks later, after I had almost forgotten that evening, the thought of the marathon came back into my mind. I looked in the mirror, and this time I asked myself a completely different question.
I asked myself, “Are you stupid? Why wouldn’t you run the Chicago Marathon?”
And for a second, I felt dumb that the idea of skipping the event had even crossed my mind.
Of course I’m going to do it!
I convinced myself again, but this time in the positive direction.
That weird conversation with myself also raised another question I wanted to answer.
Why did the idea of skipping the marathon come up at all?
When I started thinking about it, I realized that it wasn’t the first time I had gone back and forth about something I actually wanted to do.
For instance, when I had a date, I sometimes played the same game until the day of the date and occasionally cancelled it. The same thing happened with plans with friends.
Then I regretted it the next day.
My Mind Was Trying to Remove More Load
Fortunately, the Chicago Marathon situation helped me understand what was happening.
I can clearly remember arriving at the restaurant and complaining about work for almost the whole evening. My good friend was understanding, but I’m not somebody who usually complains a lot.
That evening, though, I couldn’t stop venting.
At the time, I was managing two teams at work and trying to make sense of all the chaos without getting much help from management.
I was exhausted and annoyed.
My head was full of problems.
One colleague wanted this, another wanted that, my boss wanted speed and quality at the same time, and my team was complaining too.
Just endless noise.
And apparently, my brain started trying to make space by removing things like running the Chicago Marathon.
Honestly, that wasn’t such a bad idea from my brain’s perspective.
If I already had enough load to carry, then the plan to travel to the other side of the world and run for hours probably sounded like an unnecessary extra burden.
Running the marathon was completely about fun. There was no survival mechanism attached to it.
If I skipped it, nothing bad would happen.
But if I couldn’t handle the problems at work, there might be some kind of threat.
At least that is probably how my brain interpreted the situation.
After thinking about it, I started recognizing the pattern.
And honestly, I was surprised that I hadn’t noticed it earlier because I had also read about something similar before.
We often predict our future decisions based on how we feel right now.
For example, if I’m really hungry and somebody asks me whether I want to eat pizza on Sunday, my answer will probably be a big yes.
But if I had a huge dinner two minutes ago, then my prediction about what I will want to eat on Sunday might be something lighter, like a salad.
This is exactly what happened to me.
In my case, my exhaustion was predicting that I didn’t want to run that bloody marathon.
But that wasn’t actually true because if you asked me again in a different state, the answer would definitely be yes.
I had my vacation last month. After two weeks of relaxing in Indonesia, I never seriously thought about skipping the marathon again.
The More Dangerous Decisions Don’t Always Feel Impulsive
So what is the learning here?
We all know that we shouldn’t act on an obvious impulse.
You get an annoying email from your boss and you probably shouldn’t reply with “f*ck you” or something similar.
Taking a breath, closing the email and going for a short walk can save you from the consequences of acting on that impulse.
But in my case, it wasn’t really about a quick impulse.
It was more about the state of my mind and body, which are obviously connected.
And these physical and mental states can last for much longer than a few minutes. Sometimes you don’t even realize how much they are influencing the way you think.
Imagine that you have slept badly for several nights and suddenly the trip you were excited about for months feels like another burden.
Or you are lonely and someone you already know is wrong for you suddenly starts looking much more attractive.
You had a few bad workouts and suddenly start wondering whether you even enjoy running.
You are overwhelmed at work and start cancelling things you normally enjoy because everything feels like too much.
You feel sad one evening and suddenly contacting your ex sounds like a good idea.
You quit alcohol two months ago, have a terrible week, and suddenly your mind produces plenty of convincing reasons why opening a bottle of wine tonight would be fine.
These things can feel very real in the moment, but the conclusion you want to draw from them may not be.
The difficult part is that these decisions don’t necessarily feel irrational while you are making them.
In my case, I had plenty of reasons why cancelling Chicago made sense.
None of them sounded crazy.
But I wasn’t really paying attention to the state I was in when I came up with those reasons.
The Rule I Use Now
For myself, I defined a rule for the future, and maybe it can be useful for you too.
Before I explain it, there is one more example that came to my mind. A few years ago, when I had just become single and felt miserable and lonely, I suddenly wanted to get a dog.
And yes, I like dogs. But looking back, my state of mind wasn’t in the right place to make that decision.
I think part of me simply wanted something that would make the loneliness easier.
I’m glad I didn’t do it back then.
That is exactly why, next time I want to make an important decision about an event, buying something, cancelling something or meeting someone, I want to ask myself how I actually feel first.
If my mind says to cancel the event or contact someone I know I probably shouldn’t contact, I want to take a step back and look at my current mental and physical state from a bit more distance.
Do I feel good or am I exhausted?
Am I lonely and sad, and is that influencing the decision?
Have I slept properly?
Am I stressed?
Am I hungry?
So before you reach out to your ex just because you are having a low moment, take a look at yourself first.
Try to understand the situation because when you are sad, exhausted, lonely or overwhelmed, your mind can provide you with very good reasons for doing something you may not actually want to do.
It’s not a sexy process, but looking at yourself from a more rational perspective can be very helpful.
It can save you from many annoying situations you create for yourself simply because you let your current feelings dictate your next move.
Once you take a moment and understand how you actually feel, you can also understand your motivation better.
Now, if I’m exhausted and a good friend asks whether we want to meet on Sunday, my immediate reaction might still be no.
But I also know that on Sunday I might be in a completely different state of mind, well rested and actually happy to see my friend.
It can feel weird to go against what you feel in the moment, but I think it is something you can practice and get better at over time.
Let me know in the comments whether you have experienced a similar situation.
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