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"That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry." — Bruce Banner, The Avengers (2012)
There was a time I believed anger is something I just need to release somehow and that's the whole story. I was wrong.
I was hitting the elevator door with my fist and had this feeling of explosion in my whole body because I was so angry.
That was the time when I didn’t know that I’m someone who loves freedom.
Also an introverted guy who couldn’t stand being in the spotlight.
That was the third day of a company gathering with workshops, stupid team building games and networking. On my way out, leaving home, I couldn’t keep myself together anymore.
But I lacked any explanation for my anger. There was only a feeling of rage and the repeating line in my mind: I don’t wanna go!
It would have been great to have someone who patted my back and told me that that moment had something important to tell me.
This is what I’m trying to do for you.
Because I needed at least 5 more years until I finally figured out what my anger was about.
But don’t get me wrong. Not every anger needs deep psychological interpretation. For instance, if someone scratches your car then the reason for freaking out is obvious.
What I’m writing about here is the anger that seems exaggerated given the situation. The kind that leaves you wondering why you turned into a beast for a second.
People often email me and ask about tools that help them to uncover their true self.
I usually tell them that they need to notice when they smile effortlessly or end up in a state of flow when they forget time passing. Which are all great signs if you want to understand what excites you and where your true interests lie.
What I often forget to mention is anger. And that’s why I wanted to dedicate an article to it.
Your anger is a great compass but also the finest source of self-destruction.
If it stays unexpressed, it will eat you from the inside. If you express it by screaming, hitting the gym, or hitting the elevator door, the problem will return because you didn’t solve the cause.
Next time you might let it out directly at your partner because she didn’t take out the trash, and you get into a fight. On top of that, you might turn into that annoying passive-aggressive person nobody wants to be around.
That’s why it’s important not only to treat the symptoms of your anger by releasing it but also to understand what it is trying to teach you about yourself.
Here are three important things you can learn about yourself by understanding your anger.
Your boundaries
You get angry when someone crosses a line. The tricky part is that you might not even know that boundary exists.
For instance, if your boss gives you extra work without asking whether you have the capacity for it, you might silently accept it but spend the rest of the day irritated at everyone around you.
Your boss crossed a boundary that says: I want to be consulted about my capacity and time before I get a new task.
But since you got used to it and it was always like this, you never realized that boundary existed.
Your anger is telling you that there is something you should pay attention to.
Earlier in my life, I was also angry when my girlfriend tried to force me to discuss an issue before I could think about it first. I’m an inner thinker due to my introverted personality and I like to take some time to think about problems before I talk about them.
In those situations, I learned that I need to communicate openly that I need some time to think before having a conversation about a problem. Surprisingly, nobody had a problem with that boundary since then.
And that’s why it’s important to take a moment when you get angry and ask yourself: has someone just crossed a line? If yes, try to name it out loud to yourself, and once you have it, you can say it next time.
Once you name the boundary, you will learn something about yourself that helps uncover who you really are.
Your values
Your values are even more important if you want to get to know yourself better. Based on them you can make better decisions that will help you to live more aligned with yourself.
If you know that freedom is an important value for you, you might choose a profession where you have more room to make decisions on your own. This is the reason why I love to work fully remote because this way I can design my days. It makes me more satisfied than being forced into an office all day long.
Knowing your values helps you to filter opportunities better. If you’re looking for a job and the company offers a lot of money but no freedom, you will end up frustrated.
I also get angry when I see that someone has been treated unfairly because fairness is another one of my most important values.
Or when I go hiking and see trash in a beautiful forest.
I value nature and it pisses me off when people simply throw away empty coke bottles in the middle of the forest.
This helps me to live more consciously. I don’t have a car but ride a bicycle a lot, recycle trash, and buy clothes from sustainable manufacturers. I feel great about it.
Next time you get angry, ask yourself whether it is about a value. Don’t judge it, just notice it.
Write it down and keep it in mind the next time you need to make a decision, so you can check whether that decision is aligned with your values.
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Your wounds
Earlier in my life I often felt some kind of explosion in my chest when I talked to someone and noticed that the person wasn’t listening to me.
My mother did that regularly during my childhood.
I would tell her about school and in the middle of my story she would start talking to my father, as if I wasn’t there at all. That created a wound in me, the belief that I’m not worth listening to, and it hurts every single time someone gets distracted while I’m talking.
It was important to understand that anger in me because not everyone is like my mother. Sometimes it can really happen that someone gets distracted for a second. That should not be a reason to get upset.
But it wasn’t obvious to me when I was younger.
Only after I understood where that feeling came from and what it triggered in me could I start working on it.
Today when it happens, I don’t get angry but I empathize with the other person. This is important because that way I don’t let my past control my mood all the time.
You are probably also carrying some wounds with you. We all do. Our anger can help us identify them and find better ways to deal with them.
Next time you get angry, stop for a minute and ask yourself when you felt similarly in the past.
Use your anger as a compass
I’m always talking about how important it is that we know ourselves because it helps us to live a more fulfilling life.
But I do agree that it’s easier said than done when it comes to the actual process of getting to know ourselves.
Fortunately, we are not completely lost. There are many things we can pay attention to.
Anger is one of them. It helps us define our essentials like boundaries, values, and wounds. If you combine these with your true interests and the things that excite you, you can build a pretty satisfying life around them.
Try to think about your life like building a house. If you don’t get the foundation right, the building will collapse at some point when the storm arrives.
But if you have built a house on a solid foundation, it can resist and stay stable during hard times as well.
Your anger points in the direction where those basic pillars of yours lie.
Be curious about them. Uncover them. Use them to find your own way.
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