Why Being Alone Feels Impossible (And How to Know If It's You)

How to tell if you're avoiding yourself instead of enjoying your own company

Jan 03, 2026

Silhouette of person sitting alone at end of pier under umbrella in rain and stormy weather, vintage cinematic tones, representing the struggle and discomfort of not being happy alone

In my previous article, I wrote about the process of becoming happy alone. You might have skipped it because you think you’re already there, but it’s important to mention that this state can come and go. You might have periods where solitude feels like freedom, and other times when it feels like a threat you need to escape.

These seven signs will help you recognize when you’re struggling with being alone, even if you’ve convinced yourself otherwise.

1. You’re Waiting for Your Partner When They’re Out

I remember when I was in a relationship and wasn’t happy alone at all. When my girlfriend went out with her friends for a girl’s night, a company event, or just to do sports on her own, I would wait for her at home. It felt like I had stopped my life while she was away.

I tried to pretend I was fine and did those typical things people suggest: a bath with candles, cooking steak, or having a drink alone. But the discomfort didn’t disappear. When she finally came home, I took an invisible deep breath. She was back, and now I could continue living.

I was miserable and dependent.

If you don’t feel complete when your partner isn’t home with you, if you start thinking anxiously about what you should do while they’re away, if you have a feeling of helplessness, then you have some work to do.

How to recognize it: Pay attention to yourself. How do you feel when your partner announces plans you’re not involved in? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Or are you completely fine with it because you have a life of your own and you welcome the time you can spend alone? Be honest with yourself, even if you feel ashamed about the truth.

2. A Weekend Without Plans Makes You Feel Nervous

If you’re not happy alone, especially if you’re single, an empty weekend can make you freak out easily. You already feel it on Thursday, and you try to find something or somebody desperately just to fill the weekend. If you need to ask yourself, “Shit, what am I going to do this weekend?” it can be a sign that you’re not happy alone.

And even worse, you haven’t figured out yet what you’re interested in or what you like to do on your own. You don’t have any hobbies or private projects you’re working on.

Reminder: Being with people all the time is not a hobby. Day drinking regularly on a Saturday is distraction, not enjoyment.

How to recognize it: Listen to your thoughts and feelings. How do you feel when the weekend is approaching and you don’t have any plans yet? If you feel nervous or panicked about it, it can be a sign of not being able to be happy alone.

3. You Numb Yourself to Avoid Feeling Anything

Last week I went to the movie theater to watch the new movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. This is something I do regularly, and I don’t even buy water when I’m there. I go in, watch the movie with full attention, and then I go home.

This time, there was a woman sitting in front of me, probably around my age or a bit younger. I was sure this was her first time at a movie theater alone. She had huge nachos and white wine in her hand, and she ate and drank so fast that she needed another serving before the trailers even started. Another nachos, another wine. Then the movie started, and ten minutes later she went out again and came back with another wine. Then I heard glass breaking. At the end of the movie, she was so drunk she could barely walk straight out of the cinema.

I thought, well, the first time alone is always difficult. I didn’t judge her. I actually admired that she had the courage to go to the cinema alone. But it was obvious that she was struggling with it, and she tried to numb all her negative feelings about the situation.

I did the same thing back when I wasn’t happy alone. I regularly opened a bottle of red wine when I was alone, and it wasn’t rare that I finished that bottle on a Friday evening. I smoked one cigarette after another, and when I finally went to sleep, I was numb. I was in avoidance mode, just like the young woman in the movie theater.

How to recognize this sign: If you can’t spend a day alone without numbing yourself with alcohol, smoking, drugs, eating junk food, sweets, or compulsive behaviors, it can be a sign of not being happy alone. You’re avoiding the uncomfortable feelings about your situation.

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4. You’re in a Bad Relationship and You Know It

Being in a bad relationship because of fear is a common phenomenon in our society. Many people have gotten used to being abused, cheated on, disrespected, unsupported, or even unloved. But when they think about leaving the relationship, they’re terrified. They don’t know what they would do if they were alone again. And this fear holds them in those bad relationships, sometimes until the end of their lives, just because they didn’t have the courage to be alone and take back control over their life.

The problem is that most of these people would never admit it or say out loud that they’re actually not happy in their relationship. They avoid the fact at all costs. I’ve heard from many people in my life: “Well, I don’t love my wife anymore,” or “I cheat on my husband, but I don’t want to break up. What would I do without them?”

Usually, these people only use the term “we,” and they don’t have their own identity anymore. They’ve built an unhealthy dependency in their life, and they suffer in it, but they believe they would suffer even more without it.

How to recognize this sign: If you feel this way and you have that tiny voice deep in your heart that says your relationship isn’t the one you wish for yourself, then you know you’re in the wrong place. You feel restless, insecure, or purposeless when your partner isn’t around, instead of enjoying personal time.

5. You Live in Constant Noise

This is another common thing I’ve heard from so many people. When they wake up, the first thing they do is put in earbuds and start some “funny” podcast. Or they go to the kitchen and turn on the radio before making their coffee. (This was me back then.) They turn on the TV and just let it run in the background. “It’s so cozy.” They watch a YouTube video while brushing their teeth or scroll Instagram reels during breakfast. Music while exercising, then a podcast in the shower, and then Netflix with dinner.

No pause. No silence.

You could tell me that you’re interested in all these things you listen to all day long. I would accept it, but I wouldn’t believe it. Because if I asked you about the details of that podcast you heard while showering, you probably wouldn’t remember it anymore. I couldn’t tell you what I heard on the radio in the morning either because I didn’t listen to it on purpose. I just wanted the noise.

And maybe you want that noise too. If you live like I described above, in constant noise, then the probability that you’re not really happy alone is high. The noise is a tool for avoidance. You’re not fine with your own thoughts and emotions, and you want to lock them out.

How to recognize this sign: You feel uneasy, restless, or anxious the moment there’s quiet. You rarely enjoy silence or downtime without something playing in the background. You use entertainment as constant distraction rather than for enjoyment or learning. Even when you don’t feel like engaging, you force yourself to watch or listen just to avoid being alone with your thoughts. You can’t remember the last time you were fully present with your thoughts without feeling bored or uncomfortable.

6. You Say Yes to Plans You Don’t Actually Care About

A couple of years ago at my new job, my colleagues asked me if I wanted to play poker with them after work in a bar. I said yes. But I didn’t want to go.

At home, before I left, I had shaking hands because the day before and the day before that, I was also out with other people somewhere. My body sent me obvious signals that it was too much, but I wanted to use every possible opportunity to be with these people I didn’t even care about. I said yes to everyone and everything.

I often had weekends when I wasn’t home for more than a few hours, and then on Monday I went back to the office again. And when I finally spent one evening alone at home, I started numbing myself exactly the way I described in point 3.

If you always say yes to all the invitations you get and you don’t even consider the option of being alone because you don’t have anything you would do on your own anyway, then it might be a strong sign that you’re not happy alone.

How to recognize this sign: Pay attention to how you respond to people. Try to track your behavior. Count how many times you say yes to people and how many times you decide on solitude. Notice if you feel relief or panic when plans get canceled. If canceled plans feel like a gift, you might be overcommitting. If they feel like a disaster, you might be avoiding yourself.

7. You Can’t Be Alone Without Your Phone

This is perhaps the most universal sign of our generation. You wake up and immediately check your phone. You scroll through social media while having breakfast. You check messages every few minutes. You sleep with your phone next to your pillow. You feel anxious when the battery is low. You panic when you forget it at home.

I’m not talking about practical phone use. I’m talking about the compulsive need to always be connected, always be reachable, always be consuming content from other people’s lives. The phone becomes your companion, your safety blanket, your way of never truly being alone.

When I wasn’t happy alone, my phone was my escape route. Uncomfortable silence at dinner? Check Instagram. Sitting alone on public transport? Scroll through anything. Evening at home? Instagram while watching a movie. I was never actually present with myself because I was always virtually with someone else.

The phone gives you the illusion of connection while keeping you from the real work of being comfortable in your own company.

How to recognize this sign: You can’t sit through a meal without checking your phone. You feel anxious when you can’t find it. You check social media even when you have nothing specific to look for. You reach for your phone the moment you feel bored or uncomfortable. You’ve never spent an entire day without your phone, and the thought of doing so makes you nervous.

Before You Do Anything

If you recognized yourself in one or more of these signs, you’re not broken. You’re human. Most people struggle with being alone at some point in their lives. The difference is whether you acknowledge it and work on it or continue avoiding it.

But there’s something I want to make sure you understand very well: You don’t have to be happy alone if you’re fine with not being happy alone.

You don’t have to think you need to change your life just because you found yourself in one of those points above. Some people build their entire lives around constant connection, and if that genuinely works for them, that’s okay.

But if you’re reading this and you feel that uncomfortable recognition in your chest, if you wish you could be happy alone because you’re truly unhappy with your current life, then you can start working on it. The key is that it has to come from your own intrinsic motivation. Not because someone told you that you “should” be more independent. Not because you’re trying to prove something. But because you genuinely want that freedom for yourself.

In my article about how to be happy alone, I share the practices that helped me transform my relationship with solitude. But before you can apply those practices, you need to recognize the patterns that are keeping you stuck.

The journey back home starts with noticing you’ve been running.

And that noticing? That’s what you just did.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David