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"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." — Carl Jung
This one took longer to write than usual, mostly because it meant admitting things about my younger self I'm not proud of.
I didn’t expect a hot afternoon in the south of France to teach me anything about myself, but it did.
We were in Nice, on vacation with my ex-girlfriend. We had dropped her car off for a service appointment and had to walk back to the train station afterward. It was around noon, the kind of heat where every step feels like walking into a wall. One side of the street was sunlit, the other shaded by the buildings. We were walking on the sunny side when she said we should cross to the other one. I looked at her, confused, and asked why. She looked back at me, equally confused, and said we were burning alive over here.
That was the moment I realized I hadn’t noticed I was sweating through my shirt and that my skin was starting to sting from the sun. My first thought, once I caught up with what she meant, was that crossing the street would be better for her. It took a second longer to register that it would also be better for me.
Without her, I would have walked the entire way on the sunny side without a second thought, not because I preferred it, but because paying attention to my own needs had never been something I learned to do. After that day, I kept turning the question over: in how many other situations had I been ignoring what I actually needed, without ever noticing?
At that point in my life, I had already encountered ideas like awareness and self-improvement, but I was still a beginner. That walk in Nice is one of the clearest examples I have of what self-improvement actually gave me: the simple ability to notice that I exist, and that what happens to me matters too.
What changed in how I love people
A friend of mine has a demanding life, and there are stretches where she goes quiet for weeks. Years ago, her silence used to feel like a verdict. I would tell myself the friendship was over, that she had quietly moved on, and I would wait, almost daring her to prove me wrong by reaching out first. If she didn’t, I took it personally, sometimes even resentfully, as though her busy life was something done to me.
I never once considered messaging her first. Reaching out felt like an admission that I needed her more than she needed me, and somewhere underneath that was the belief that if I wasn’t the one being chased, I wasn’t really wanted at all.
Today, when a few weeks pass without a word from her, I’m the one who reaches out. I send a message, ask how she’s doing, and I mean it without any quiet test attached to it. She always replies warmly, and I’ve come to understand that her silence was never a verdict on us. It was just her life being full. The difference isn’t that she changed. I did.
That same period cost me a different friendship entirely. I had a friend who, whenever something didn’t go the way he wanted, would shift into manipulation rather than conversation. He never once looked at his own part in anything. If I didn’t meet some expectation he’d never actually stated out loud, the fault was automatically mine. For years I absorbed that, because ending the friendship felt like proof that I was the difficult one, the one who couldn’t keep people around.
Eventually I did end it, and I felt no guilt afterward, which surprised me almost as much as the decision itself. The old version of me believed that removing someone from my life meant I had failed at being a good enough friend, and that whatever someone gave me, however unbalanced, I was obligated to accept it gratefully.
What changed wasn’t that I stopped caring about people. It was that I stopped needing something from them to feel secure in the relationship. Before, every connection ran on a quiet transaction: their attention proved my worth, their silence threatened it. Today I can let someone be unavailable without reading it as rejection, and I can let someone go without reading it as my own failure. I’m genuinely happy these people exist in my life, but I no longer need them to in order to feel okay.
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Why I take self-improvement seriously
Self-improvement gets demonized by one group and worshipped by another, and most of the public conversation happens at those two extremes. I’ve spent the last two decades watching both camps, and I think the truth lives in a quieter, less talked-about middle.
I don’t believe the people who reject self-improvement and choose instead to “just be themselves” arrived there without doing any inner work at all. Some of them did grow up in homes where they learned, early and without effort, how to be at peace with themselves. I think that group is small. In my experience, the people who say they don’t need self-improvement usually fall into one of two categories. Either they did the work quietly, without naming it as such, or they are avoiding something they’re afraid to face, and rejecting the entire idea of self-improvement is easier than admitting that.
That second pattern is familiar to me. It’s a bit like disliking people who own cars because you can’t afford one yourself, while never quite admitting that earning more money is the actual answer. The same logic shows up around self-improvement. People who avoid it often aren’t rejecting the concept. They’re rejecting what they suspect they’d find if they looked closely at themselves, and I understand that completely, because the work itself is rarely pleasant. It means sitting with your weaknesses, naming your trauma out loud, having uncomfortable conversations with yourself and occasionally with a therapist, and slowly letting go of a version of yourself you’ve known your entire life in exchange for one you’ve never met.
So is self-improvement a good thing? In my case, the answer is an easy yes, and I only need to look at where I started to explain why.
I grew up in a difficult household, where I became my mother’s primary emotional caretaker starting around age five. At that age I was already absorbing things no child should have to carry: financial stress, marital conflict, addiction. I never learned to notice my own needs, let alone voice them. I became someone who served. I grew up believing I wasn’t good enough, shaped by the fighting between my parents, by my mother telling me she’d been disappointed I wasn’t born a girl, and by her repeated threats to take her own life. I internalized all of it as my fault.
I’m not telling you this for sympathy. I’m telling you because it explains where the journey started. Those early experiences built an adult who needed constant approval, who felt jealous easily because he never felt good enough, and who used alcohol and nicotine to numb what he couldn’t name. None of that was a good foundation for an adult life, and the walk in Nice is just one small, almost embarrassing example of how deep that pattern ran.
Without self-improvement, I don’t think I would have built the awareness, the boundaries, the confidence, or the physical health I have today. I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I’ve never felt more capable in my own body. I’m comfortable being alone without being lonely, and I set goals that genuinely make my life feel richer, because for the first time I actually know what I want from it.
I think most people are carrying something similar from their own upbringing, often without realizing it. And if you’re one of the rare ones who isn’t, genuinely, I’m glad for you. But in my experience, that’s the exception rather than the rule.
So if you ask me whether self-improvement is worth it, my answer is yes, but only when you’re doing it for yourself and not for an audience. Which brings me to the other side of this.
When self-improvement becomes a problem
Self-improvement starts to work against you the moment it stops being about your own peace and starts being about performance. I’ve watched people adopt rigid five a.m. routines, follow extreme diets, and journal by candlelight at three in the morning, not because any of it serves them, but because it photographs well and travels well online. That kind of self-improvement is dishonest at its core, and honesty is the one ingredient the whole process actually depends on.
I don’t run an intense early morning routine, because my own body doesn’t ask for one. I wake up around seven thirty without an alarm, and I’ve made peace with the fact that this is simply how my body operates. Forcing myself into someone else’s four a.m. ritual would mean fighting my own nature for the sake of appearances, and I’d rather build a life that fits the person I actually am.
The other failure mode is when self-improvement quietly swallows everything else in your life. A walk becomes a step count. A conversation becomes networking. A hobby becomes a project with metrics attached. People lose track of why they started in the first place, and the practice itself becomes the addiction, not so different from the substances some of us used it to replace.
This is why knowing when to stop matters as much as knowing how to start. I spent years in therapy, and at some point my sessions had turned into casual updates about my week rather than real work. I told my therapist I wanted to stop coming, and she simply said: good choice, go enjoy the results. That sentence stuck with me, because it gave me permission to treat the work as something with an actual finish line rather than a lifestyle to maintain forever.
A few honest signals tell me the work has done its job, at least for now. The problem I set out to solve is actually solved, not managed, not white-knuckled, solved. The habits I built no longer take willpower; they’ve become how I simply live. Continuing to push on that particular area stops producing any noticeable change. I start losing presence and joy in the process itself, more focused on optimizing than on living. And the sense of who I am starts to feel solid enough that I’m not constantly trying to fix or prove it.
If you don’t have some version of a finish line, self-improvement can quietly become obsessive. Taken far enough, it can erode your relationships and your ability to simply accept yourself, because there’s no longer a self left to accept, only an ongoing project.
Growth and acceptance were never opposites
I think self-improvement and self-acceptance can coexist, and honestly, I think they’re supposed to. In my own life, it felt worth spending a few real years, three or five, deep in the work: cutting distractions, facing the things I’d been carrying without noticing, and figuring out who I actually was underneath everything my parents, teachers, friends, and culture had layered onto me. That kind of focused period lets you understand your past clearly enough to choose your direction without simply inheriting someone else’s.
But that season isn’t meant to last forever. At some point the work shifts from discovery to maintenance, and the goal stops being to keep improving and starts being to actually live the life you built. Self-improvement, done honestly, isn’t a permanent identity. It’s a season you walk through so you can come out the other side and finally just be there.
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I appreciate your insight. It's more helpful than you know. Thank you for doing what you do 💕