The Science of Why Your Relationship Loses Its Magic (And How to Get It Back)
How hedonic adaptation slowly drains passion from relationships
The honeymoon phase was so exciting.
We didn’t want anything else, just to be with each other. It didn’t matter that we didn’t leave the apartment for a week because we cuddled and kissed for hours on the couch.
Other women became invisible to me, and every time I saw my girlfriend or even just thought about her, I had to smile.
Forever, together.
But every time, something changed.
It didn’t happen overnight. It took months until the relationship started to feel “normal.” We still cuddled a lot and were intimate often, but the days when we didn’t dress up to impress each other became more frequent. Jogging pants, Netflix shows, and the same restaurants started to fill our relationship. The kisses became quicker, less passionate.
That’s the normal way, right? At least that’s what people always told me about relationships. Everything becomes less exciting after a while. Stability, security, and routines describe your days.
It’s not that we didn’t love each other anymore, but we took each other for granted. A question started appearing in my mind more and more frequently: Is this it? Is this how we’ll live forever together? In jogging pants watching TV shows?
I remember when I noticed that the smile of the girl at the reception in my gym made me nervous. I felt my heartbeat, and on my way to the changing room, I had to smile. I knew that feeling very well because I felt the same with my girlfriend at the beginning.
So I asked myself: Why does this girl make me nervous? Why am I still thinking about her when my girlfriend is at home waiting for me? What happened?
When I asked myself if I still loved my girlfriend, the answer was definitely yes. But I was electrified by the other girl for a few minutes, for sure.
That’s when I realized: maybe the problem wasn’t my girlfriend. Maybe it was something else entirely.
I wasn’t falling out of love. I was falling asleep to it.
What Is Hedonic Adaptation?
We have all experienced it at least once in our lives. Something that made us incredibly happy gradually loses its power to excite us. When I got new sneakers as a child, I treated them like treasures. I cleaned them every time I wore them, admired them, showed them to everyone. But with time, I stopped caring. The treasures turned into regular shoes, and I felt the same as I did before I got them.
This happens with shoes, cars, clothes, the third week of your vacation, and yes, your romantic relationship as well.
This change in our perception doesn’t happen accidentally. The psychological process responsible for the fading of our excitement is called hedonic adaptation.
Our brain adapts to both good and bad things over time, and they stop feeling special. It is not that love disappears. It is that your brain stops reacting to what has become familiar because it is no longer new.
There are two paths through which hedonic adaptation occurs:
Path 1: Return to baseline well-being
Everyone has a baseline level of well-being, the emotional home you return to after positive or negative events. When something good happens, like getting a promotion or starting a new relationship, your happiness spikes. But over time, you adapt and return to your baseline. The same happens with negative events. After the initial pain, you gradually return to your baseline. This is why people can’t rely solely on relationships, material things, or external achievements to make them permanently happy. You always return to your own baseline anyway.
Side note: That is why you should work on your baseline happiness instead of chasing quick highs and letting your happiness and well-being depend on external factors like relationships or material things.
Path 2: Expectation shifts and taking things for granted
The second path is more insidious. As you adapt to positive changes, your expectations shift upward. What once felt special becomes the new normal, and you start taking it for granted.
For example, when you first started dating your partner, a simple text from them made your day. Their laugh was music. Holding their hand felt electric. But after months together, those same things stop registering as special. You expect the text. You tune out the laugh. Holding hands becomes automatic. Your baseline hasn’t necessarily changed, but your expectations have. You’ve unconsciously raised the bar for what counts as exciting or meaningful. The relationship hasn’t gotten worse, you have just stopped noticing what is good about it.
The same happens with salary increases. When you get a raise, you’re thrilled for a few weeks. But soon your lifestyle adjusts to match your new income. The extra money stops feeling like extra and becomes the new normal. Then you need an even bigger raise to feel that same excitement again.
In relationships, this expectation shift is dangerous because your partner hasn’t changed, but you’ve stopped appreciating what they offer. The romantic dinners that used to feel special now feel routine. The physical intimacy that once electrified you now feels expected. You start looking elsewhere for that novelty and excitement, not because your relationship is bad, but because your brain is wired to adapt.
Why Does Your Brain Do This?
Hedonic adaptation happens because our brain is protecting us.
It sounds like a paradox because why would our brain want to lessen our happiness when we are actually happy? But it makes sense when you think about it. Imagine if we all stayed in the honeymoon phase forever. You get a raise and become euphoric. Then you get your dream car and feel even more excited on top of that. Eventually, you’d end up overstimulated and burned out.
Our brain is designed to normalize both the best and worst parts of our lives so we don’t fall into deep depression after bad events and don’t burn out from constant excitement. The good news is that understanding this function gives us some control over it, allowing us to slow down the adaptation process and enjoy positive events for longer.
But before we look at methods to slow down adaptation, we also need to know what speeds it up.
What Makes Relationships Fade Faster
Routine and predictability
When every week looks the same, same restaurants, same conversations, same routines, excitement fades. The brain stops releasing dopamine because nothing surprises it anymore. Comfort turns into monotony.
Taking things for granted
At the beginning, you notice every little thing your partner does. Over time, those same gestures become expected. Gratitude fades, and you start focusing more on what’s missing than on what’s there.
High aspirations
If you constantly expect your partner or the relationship to make you happier, you’ll always feel disappointed. Chasing perfection means you never fully enjoy what you already have.
Too much togetherness without novelty
Spending all your time together can blur boundaries and reduce attraction. Without space or new experiences, desire fades because there’s nothing new to rediscover about each other.
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How to Slow It Down (Science-Backed Strategies)
The research is clear: hedonic adaptation is inevitable, but you’re not powerless against it. Here are five science-backed strategies to slow down adaptation and keep your relationship alive.
Inject Variety and Novelty
New experiences together keep the brain alert. Research shows that couples who try new activities report higher relationship satisfaction. The experiences do not have to be big. Trying a new restaurant, taking a different route on your walk, learning something together, or breaking small routines can make a difference. The brain associates the excitement from new activities with the relationship itself, creating positive emotional spillover.
What this looks like in practice: Instead of your usual Friday movie night, try a cooking class, visit a new neighborhood, go to a live music venue, or take up a sport together. The key is novelty that you experience together.
Practice Daily Appreciation
Research suggests that experiencing three positive emotions for every one negative emotion supports overall well-being. In relationships specifically, five positive interactions for every one negative interaction support long-term stability. Small gestures matter. Sincere compliments, noticing the good moments, and expressing gratitude for everyday actions all make a difference.
One powerful gratitude intervention that research has validated: spend time imagining what your life would be like if you had never met your partner. This mental subtraction exercise helps reset your appreciation by reminding you what you’d be missing. Studies show this significantly increases relationship satisfaction.
Reduce Negative Interactions
Research shows that negative moments are stronger and last longer than positive ones. Psychologists call this the “bad is stronger than good” effect. This means that being less critical can be more helpful for your relationship than planning more romantic dates. Address conflicts directly and constructively, but avoid nitpicking, contempt, and defensiveness. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your relationship is simply complain less.
Support Each Other’s Growth (The Michelangelo Phenomenon)
Research on the Michelangelo phenomenon shows that partners who help each other move toward their ideal selves create more satisfying, lasting relationships. Encourage your partner’s goals, affirm their actions and ideals, and celebrate their progress. When both partners are growing and evolving, the relationship stays dynamic. Personal stagnation kills relationships more quietly than conflict does.
Maintain Mindful Presence
Many people stop feeling happy in their relationships simply because they stop noticing what’s good. Mindful presence means actively paying attention to your partner and the positive aspects of your relationship rather than operating on autopilot. Notice when your partner does something thoughtful. Actually listen when they talk. Be present during intimate moments instead of thinking about tomorrow’s tasks.
A note on major life changes: Creating new positive changes like getting engaged, married, moving together, or having children can temporarily restart the adaptation process and create a new happiness boost. However, research shows these effects are usually temporary. The real work is in the daily practices above.
Conclusion
Hedonic adaptation is inevitable, but it is not irreversible. You cannot stop your brain from adjusting to what becomes familiar, that is just how we are wired. But you can keep it curious.
You can choose to notice. You can inject novelty. You can practice gratitude.
Love doesn’t fade because it’s meant to. It fades when it’s left unattended.
Looking back at my relationship, I wish I had understood this earlier. I wish I had known that the routine was not inevitable. It was a choice I was making unconsciously. I wish I had tried harder to notice the good instead of letting it blur into background noise. I wish I had created more novelty instead of settling into comfort.
The strength of a relationship doesn’t come from its beginning, when everything feels effortless and electric. It comes from the choice to stay awake to it, again and again. To keep choosing your partner even when the newness has worn off. To actively fight the drift toward complacency.
The magic doesn’t have to die. But you have to tend to it.
Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re working on getting to zero in any area of your life, or if this framework resonates with you, drop a comment. I read every one. — David
References
Bao, K. J., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Making it last: Combating hedonic adaptation in romantic relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 9(3), 196-206.
Lyubomirsky, S. (2010). Hedonic adaptation to positive and negative experiences. In S. Folkman (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Stress, Health, and Coping. Oxford University Press.
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So true but interesting how quickly relationships can turn around with some work,. Changing up routines and surprise dates is what I started doing. There's always something new to learn about the person in your life. Also, don't forget to keep your own individuality! We will never wear matching sweatshirts!
Such an important article! We have to keep nurturing our relationships if we want them to continue growing in depth and love. Implementing these into my own relationship of almost three years has helped us maintain our spark.