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Welcome and thank you for being here. Running Home is a weekly newsletter about awareness, self-reliance, health, and freedom. Real stories, honest struggles, and the hard-won lessons from someone who chose to change his life completely.
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"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." — Oscar Wilde
At some point I got so exhausted in my life that I didn't need any other change, just to become authentic for the first time.
It took me 39 years to understand what it takes to live an authentic life.
Decades ago I would have said that I have to become indifferent and able to say “fuck you” in people’s faces without a blink.
And I have always admired those people who were able to say what they had on their mind without being scared and do whatever they wanted.
People who don’t explain themselves because they are so centered and unbothered.
I thought this was something genetically hardcoded in those lucky bastards but not in people like me.
But here is the good news for you and me: I was wrong back then.
After almost half of my life while facing many hardships, I figured out what made those people fearlessly authentic.
It’s not their genetics or money.
But it’s something you can develop by working on yourself and it comes down to three essential things.
They know themselves
I mean how could you become authentic if you don’t have anything to be authentic about?
If you don’t know yourself well then you only have two options:
You start faking something you’re not, which is the opposite of being authentic.
Or you simply do what other people want you to do, so you become a servant.
None of these options will lead you in the right direction.
You must know yourself deeply. Know what you love and how you like to spend your time alone when nobody is watching.
That’s the foundation of an authentic life.
This was my biggest problem when I was younger because I spent my whole childhood pleasing my mother. She criticized me to death and gave me the feeling that everything I liked was wrong. So I learned to please her, so she was happy and I felt right about myself.
I carried this strategy over the years into my romantic relationships, friendships and workplaces as well.
All my girlfriends complained that I didn’t have anything cool in my life like other guys who played in bands, were skating or playing on sports teams. I was sitting at home wondering how I could please my girlfriend.
Wow, this still hurts me when I write it down because I literally did that and I was surprised that they didn’t find me attractive anymore.
People who are able to express themselves in an authentic way have one thing in common: they formed an opinion of their own, based on their interests, values, needs, desires, strengths, weaknesses and what matters to them.
They don’t need to be right and badass all the time, but they own their true self.
Ask me today what I love, or ask anyone who you think is living an authentic life.
I can give you the exact answers including the values I’m living by. All the unfiltered stuff and my nerdy interests regarding astrophysics and movies.
For you it can be a good entry point to ask yourself how you would spend a weekend without any plan or distractions.
They are honest with themselves
One thing is knowing, but accepting is where it can get hard.
When I was younger I had the feeling that I’m a nerd in some ways, like if it’s about movies, books, instrumental music or even astrophysics. Unfortunately these were not the things I wanted to spend my time on.
Why? Because I thought these things were lame.
I purchased a 200€ Yamaha guitar so I could tell everyone that I play guitar. The guitar was much cooler than books by Stephen Hawking.
The shiny black guitar looked much cooler on Instagram and Facebook. I was also wearing a hat so I looked like Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day.
As a result I embarrassed myself every single time when people asked me how to play a guitar, or when someone accidentally had one with them. I tried to find excuses while getting a red face and trying to explain myself.
Everyone knew that I was a fraud.
That’s exactly how someone looks who doesn’t live an authentic life.
I could have avoided these moments by accepting my real interests, because there lies the difference.
If I’m honest with myself then I can be honest with others as well. If I accept myself as I am, I don’t need everyone else’s acceptance.
There is no need to pretend.
Yesterday I had a phone call with a friend. I told her about the book I recently read, The Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. For 10 minutes I spoke about light speed, stars and the problem with the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics.
She just said: wow, so cool that you know these things and remember everything you’ve read about.
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They live accordingly
Authentic people live the way they are.
They don’t put on a mask when they leave their home. The time they spend pretending is reduced to a minimum. Thanks to that, these people have more energy and are well balanced.
There is no secret life they try to hide when they are with others.
Years ago when I was 30 years old, I remember going to the office and putting on a mask every single day. In the evening, when I came home, I closed the door behind me and stopped for 10 seconds to breathe in and out. That was the moment I put down my mask. I felt exhausted.
Today when I go out, I stay the same as I am at home. I focus on the things I learned about myself, accepted, and created space for in my life.
When I meet new people and they are interested, I tell them about my life. It’s still surprising how much more likable I am now than back then when I wanted to be someone else.
I also sleep better because I know that tomorrow will be another day with me and I don’t need to prepare for the next performance.
Here is one more thing to mention: being authentic doesn’t mean that you never compromise on anything. If your partner or family need you then you don’t need to say no to them just because you’re such an authentic guy now.
Caring and supporting others are also part of authentic living and sometimes we need to push that solo trip back a week.
Just don’t skip it completely.
Life is just better this way
Authenticity is knowing who you are, accepting who you are, and having the courage to live accordingly.
Nothing will make you happier than waking up every day and being yourself.
Believe me, I have tried many different ways, but in the end the answer was not who I should become, but whether I could simply live as I am.
Give it a try and let me know how it went.
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Thank you for your words. “I am becoming my authentic self" Is a mantra in a particular exercise within the energy healing modality called Reiki. I learned this at 65+ years of life. I was a lifelong people pleaser and I thought the more kind I could be, the more I'd be loved and accepted. I gave so much and was discarded by 3 key family members for not saying or being just who they needed me to be in a chaotic family dynamic. By returning to the divine within me, and connecting with the loving life force energy, authenticity is now my plan and goal. We must love ourselves deeply, just as we are, and onlythen can we flourish. 🪷
This hits home hard - thank you for your direct way of putting it! Did you use any tools in particular to “come home to yourself” or was it an intuitive, organic transition? I am struggling to be authentic and feel my own life inside, especially with my husband - so many years of pretending, following and pleasing.
Thank you for your insights 🤗