You Know What You Should Do. So Why Don't You Do It?
Closing the gap between the life you want and the life you're actually building
I remember being 20 years old and dreaming of becoming a successful adult. In my mind, I was living in New York City at 32, wearing a trench coat, holding a Starbucks coffee, and walking along Fifth Avenue at sunset. This was the picture I carried with me.
Then I turned 30. Then 31. Then finally 32.
I wasn’t even 10 percent of the successful person I had imagined. Obviously, I started asking myself why I hadn’t become that man.
So I looked back at the years between 20 and 30, and I had to face a harsh truth: I hadn’t done anything except party, chase cheap pleasures, complain, and be lazy. It was brutal to swallow, but it taught me that I had been a victim of self-deception. I had a massive identity gap in my life.
The identity in my mind: I’m a hardworking, successful man.
My real identity: A weak man who drank too much, mastered quiet quitting, and had low standards for almost everything in his life.
I remember at university there was a guy in my class who worked for the university paper every evening. He skipped most of the parties. I know this because I never skipped any of them. After graduating, I ended up unemployed and struggled to find something, anything, to at least earn rent.
Then one day I turned on the TV, and there he was. The guy from my class. He had a microphone in his hand and was reporting about an accident in a small city.
My jaw dropped to the ground. I felt this overwhelming sense of unfairness. Life wasn’t treating me well, and this “loser” guy I had often laughed about was on TV while I, the “better” one, was struggling to find a job.
As you might assume, I had an error in my thinking back then. A massive one.
I expected huge professional success, but I didn’t do anything for it. I also wanted to look muscular, but I ate pizza almost every single day, smoked and drank at least four times a week, and then went to the gym once a week where I spent most of the time discussing with my friends where we’d drink after the gym.
No surprise, I didn’t develop any muscles. And the funny thing? I was genuinely surprised about it.
I knew what I should do. I just didn’t do it.
And if you’re reading this and feeling that uncomfortable recognition in your chest, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know what you should do too.
You’ve known for a while now.
Let Me Show You Your Life
This isn’t just my story. This is almost everyone’s story. The details change, but the pattern is the same: You know what you should do. You just don’t do it.
Let me show you what I mean. Here are many real-life examples where you can recognize yourself as well.
Health & Fitness
Example 1 - The Gym Membership: You pay for a gym membership every month. You tell yourself, ‘This year I’m getting in shape.’ The membership card sits in your wallet. You’ve been to the gym twice in three months. But you keep paying because canceling would mean admitting you’re not going to use it. And you still might. Maybe next week.
Example 2 - The Pizza Paradox: You say you want to lose weight. You download a calorie tracking app. You watch YouTube videos about meal prep. Then Friday night comes and you order pizza and drink four beers. Saturday you do it again. Sunday you tell yourself Monday is when you’ll really start. You’ve been saying this for two years.
Example 3 - The Running Shoes: You buy expensive running shoes. You set them by the door. You plan to run tomorrow morning. Tomorrow comes and you hit snooze. The shoes sit there for weeks, still clean, still waiting. But in your mind, you’re ‘someone who runs.’ You just haven’t started yet.
Money & Spending
Example 4 - The Savings Account: You say you want financial freedom. You read articles about investing. You know you should save 20% of your income. Then a sale notification pops up on your phone. Black Friday is coming. You buy something you don’t need. Again. Your savings account has $47 in it. It’s had $47 for six months.
Example 5 - The Subscription Trap: You want to save money. You also have Netflix, Spotify, Amazon Prime, three streaming services you forgot about, a gym membership you don’t use, and a monthly subscription box for something you were excited about once. That’s $200/month you ‘can’t afford to save.’
Example 6 - The Coffee Math: You complain you have no money. You also buy coffee every single day. Someone tells you that’s $1,500 per year. You say, ‘But I deserve my coffee.’ You do. But you also say you deserve financial security. Which one are you actually choosing?
Career & Ambition
Example 7 - The Side Project: You have an idea for a business, a blog, a creative project. You talk about it with friends. You think about it before sleep. You’ve been thinking about it for three years. You’ve never written a single word or taken a single action. But in your mind, you’re ‘working on something.’
Example 8 - The Evening Netflix Habit: You say you want to build something, learn something, become something more. Every evening after work, you have three free hours. Every evening, you watch Netflix until you fall asleep. Every morning, you wake up wondering why your life isn’t changing.
Example 9 - The Resume That Never Gets Updated: You want a better job. You hate your current one. You complain about it weekly. Your resume hasn’t been updated in two years. You haven’t sent out a single application. You haven’t networked. You haven’t learned new skills. But you’re ‘looking for something better.’
Relationships
Example 10 - The Bad Relationship: You know the relationship isn’t good. Your friends know. Your family knows. You complain about it constantly. But when someone asks why you don’t leave, you say, ‘It’s complicated.’ It’s not complicated. You’re scared of being alone. So you stay and slowly lose yourself.
Example 11 - The Friendship Paradox: You say you want deeper friendships. You also never text first. Never initiate plans. Never open up. Never show up consistently. Then you wonder why your friendships feel shallow. You’re waiting for others to build the friendship you want.
Example 12 - The Dating App Delete: You say you want to meet someone. You download dating apps. You swipe for a week. It feels exhausting and shallow. You delete the apps. You don’t go to places where you might meet people. You don’t put yourself out there. But you still ‘want a relationship.’
Personal Growth
Example 13 - The Unread Books: You buy books about self-improvement, productivity, psychology. They sit on your shelf, spines uncracked. You scroll TikTok for three hours instead. But you tell people you’re ‘really into reading.’ Are you? Or do you just like the idea of being someone who reads?
Example 14 - The Meditation App: You know you should meditate. You’ve downloaded three apps. You did it once for five minutes. It felt uncomfortable. You never did it again. But you still say, ‘I really need to start meditating.’ No, you need to meditate. Starting is not the same as doing.
If you recognized yourself in at least one of these examples, then I’ve already achieved what I wanted because I made you aware of this problem you already knew about anyway. But don’t worry, you’re not the only one living in self-deception, and the better news is that there’s a way out.
Before we get to the solutions, it’s always good to know why we get trapped in the identity gap. Understanding the problem can help us get out or not end up there again.
Why Do We Lie to Ourselves?
So why? Why do smart, capable people live like this? Why do we lie to ourselves so easily?
1. Comfort Always Wins (Unless You Force It Not To)
The uncomfortable truth:
The right action is almost always uncomfortable
Going to the gym is hard
Saving money means saying no to things you want right now
Having difficult conversations feels terrible
Your brain is designed to avoid discomfort
What happens:
Your brain chooses comfort every single time
Unless you consciously force it otherwise
The pizza feels better than the salad
The couch feels better than the gym
Netflix feels better than working on your project
The result:
You always choose the path of least resistance
And that path leads nowhere
2. The Consequences Feel Too Far Away
What your brain tells you:
One pizza won’t make you fat
One skipped workout won’t ruin your health
One impulse purchase won’t bankrupt you
This one time doesn’t matter
The trap:
Your brain is right. One time doesn’t matter
The damage happens slowly, invisibly
Over weeks, months, years
By the time you see the consequences, the pattern is set
The reality:
It’s never just one time
It’s one time, every time
And those one-times add up to your entire life
3. You’re Living in Two Realities at Once
Reality #1 - In Your Mind:
You’re the person who’s going to start running
You’re going to save money
You’re going to build something
You’re working on yourself
That version feels completely real to you
Reality #2 - Your Actual Life:
You haven’t run in months
Your savings account is empty
You haven’t built anything
You watch Netflix every night
This is who you actually are
The gap:
Who you are is defined by what you actually do
Not what you plan to do
Not what you think about doing
Not what you want to do
The gap between those two versions is killing you
4. Self-Deception Feels Better Than the Truth
What’s easier to say:
“I want to be healthy”
“I’m working on my career”
“I’m looking for the right person”
“I’m planning to start soon”
What’s harder to admit:
“I prioritize comfort over health”
“I watch Netflix every night instead of working”
“I’m too scared to put myself out there”
“I’ve been planning for three years and done nothing”
Why we choose the lie:
The truth is uncomfortable
The lie lets us keep our self-image intact
We can feel good about our intentions
Without facing the reality of our actions
And we’re really, really good at this
Before You Do Anything: Look in the Mirror
Here’s the part you don’t want to hear: You have to admit the truth before you can change anything.
And the truth is brutal.
But I can tell you that all the biggest changes happened in my life when I was radically honest with myself. I admitted things that made me nervous and gave me a racing heart. I wrote them down and looked at them. After that, there were no more unspoken secrets between me and myself. That honesty transformed my life into a better one because from that point, there was something I could work with.
Unfortunately, at the beginning, most people will read those examples and rationalize why theirs is different. “But I’m ACTUALLY busy.” “But I REALLY do want to change.” “But my situation is unique.”
No. You’re lying to yourself. Again.
The first step isn’t action. It’s honesty. Real, brutal, uncomfortable honesty about who you actually are right now, not who you wish you were.
Here’s how to see the truth:
The Weekend Test: Who Are You When Nobody’s Watching?
Track one weekend honestly. Not how you wish you spent it. How you actually spent it. What time did you wake up? What did you do first? How many hours on your phone? How many hours on productive activities versus entertainment? What did you eat and drink?
Your weekend shows your real priorities. Not your stated ones. Your real ones.
The Money Test: What Do You Actually Value?
Open your bank statement right now. Look at the last three months. Where does your money actually go? Not where you think it goes. Where it actually goes. Every transaction, every purchase. Add it up by category.
Your spending shows what you actually value, not what you say you value. Money flows to what matters to you. If it’s all going to comfort and entertainment, that’s what you actually prioritize.
The Time Test: Where Does Your Life Actually Go?
Track one full week. Every hour. Be honest. How much time working? Sleeping? On your phone or social media? Watching entertainment? Actually working toward your goals? Exercising? Learning?
Your calendar doesn’t lie. Your intentions lie. Your plans lie. But your calendar tells the brutal truth about what you actually do with your life.
The Relationship Test: Who Are You Really Close To?
Look at the last month. Who did you actually spend time with? Not who you wish you spent time with. Who you actually texted, called, saw. Who you invested energy in. Who you showed up for.
Your real social circle isn’t who you think about. It’s who you actually spend time with. That’s the truth.
The Action Test: What Have You Actually Done?
In the last month, what have you actually done toward your stated goals? Not thought about. Not planned. Not talked about. Actually done. If the answer is nothing, you don’t actually want it. You want to want it. There’s a difference.
The Hard Truth:
If you did those tests honestly and you don’t like what you saw, good. That discomfort is the beginning of change. You can’t fix what you won’t admit is broken.
Now let’s talk about how to close the gap.
Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.
How to Actually Close the Gap
Understanding the problem is one thing. Fixing it is another.
You can’t rely on motivation. You can’t rely on willpower. Both run out. What you need is a system that makes doing the right thing easier than doing the wrong thing. Here’s how:
1. Change Your Environment First (Don’t Fight It)
Stop trying to use willpower to resist temptation. Willpower is a finite resource that depletes throughout the day. Instead, remove the temptation entirely.
If you want to eat healthier:
Don’t keep junk food in your house
Don’t have beer in your fridge
Meal prep on Sunday so healthy food is the easy option
Make ordering pizza require more steps (delete delivery apps)
Practical tip: When I go grocery shopping, I ALWAYS have a shopping list and I only buy the things that are actually on the list. No impulse shopping, no searching for inspiration in the middle of the supermarket. I stick to the shopping list. It helps me avoid buying unnecessary AND unhealthy groceries.
If you want to save money:
Delete shopping apps from your phone
Unsubscribe from promotional emails
Remove saved credit card info from websites
Make impulse buying inconvenient
Practical tip: Use the “sleep on it” strategy. I do this every time I put something in my Amazon basket. I wait until the next day before I hit the buy button. Probably 60 to 70 percent of the time, I don’t order the thing I wanted because I realize I don’t actually need it at all.
If you want to work on your goals:
Set up a dedicated workspace
Keep your laptop open with your project file ready
Put your phone in another room
Make distractions harder to access than your work
Practical tip: Develop a habit for working on your side project. I do it every single day (weekends as well), before I start work and after work. Find 20 minutes and don’t be discouraged if you only work on it for a few minutes. Small actions compound over time. Just start.
The principle: Make the right choice the path of least resistance. Make the wrong choice require effort.
2. Make the Right Thing Stupidly Easy
The easier something is to start, the more likely you’ll actually do it.
When I started running consistently, I didn’t rely on motivation. I put my running shoes by the door. I laid out my running clothes the night before. When I woke up, I didn’t have to think. I just had to put them on and walk out the door. The friction was gone.
Examples:
Want to read more? Put books on your nightstand, coffee table, everywhere you sit (I have one on my nightstand and one on the couch.)
Want to go to the gym? Pack your gym bag the night before and put it by the door (If you can, then choose a gym that is not far from you.)
Want to write? Open your laptop to a blank document before you go to bed
Want to meditate? Set up a meditation corner with a cushion already in place
The two-minute rule applies here: make the first step so easy it takes less than two minutes. You don’t have to run 5km. You just have to put on your shoes. Usually, once you start, you keep going.
3. Shift Your Identity, Not Just Your Goals
This is the most powerful shift you can make. This practice helped me enormously because it made me think about what I really want, and I started to embody those identities. Since I said about myself that I’m an athlete, I also wanted to realize that identity.
Stop saying “I want to be healthy.” Start saying “I’m someone who takes care of my body.”
Stop saying “I want to save money.” Start saying “I’m someone who lives below my means.”
Stop saying “I want to build something.” Start saying “I’m someone who creates.”
Why this works:
Your identity determines your behavior more than your goals do. When you see yourself as “someone who runs,” you don’t debate whether to go running. You just go. That’s what someone who runs does.
How to do this:
Act like the person you want to become, even before you believe it. The identity follows the behavior, not the other way around. Every time you run, you reinforce the identity: “I’m a runner.” Every time you save instead of spend, you reinforce: “I’m someone who values financial freedom.”
Small actions repeated consistently change your identity. And once your identity changes, the behavior becomes automatic.
4. Track Your Actions, Not Your Intentions
Stop giving yourself credit for wanting to do something. Only count what you actually did.
I started tracking my runs, my writing sessions, everything I said I would do. Not in my head. On paper. In an app. Somewhere I couldn’t lie to myself about.
The brutal honesty principle:
At the end of each day, write down:
What you actually did toward your goals (not what you thought about or planned)
How much time you actually spent being productive
What you ate, how much you drank, how you spent your money
You’ll see the gap immediately. And you can’t lie to a written record.
Tools:
Simple habit tracker (checkmarks on a calendar)
Spreadsheet (I use Google Sheets)
Journal
App (Streaks, Habitica, whatever works)
The act of tracking makes you conscious. And consciousness is the first step to change.
5. Accept That the Right Action Will Feel Uncomfortable
This is the hardest one to internalize: discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something right.
Going to the gym feels uncomfortable. That’s normal. Saving money instead of buying something you want feels uncomfortable. That’s normal. Working on your project instead of watching Netflix feels uncomfortable. That’s normal.
The lie you’ve been telling yourself: “If it feels hard, I must not be ready yet.”
The truth: It’s supposed to feel hard. That’s what growth feels like.
The comfortable path is the one you’ve been walking. That’s why it’s comfortable. The new path is uncomfortable by definition because it’s new. But discomfort doesn’t mean stop. It means you’re moving in the right direction.
And I can tell you that the discomfort will disappear over time. Your mind adapts to almost everything, and those hard feelings at the beginning will become very normal to you. Every time I tell people how I live, how much sport I do, how many books I read, how many hours I work, and that I still go to bed at 10 pm and sleep well, they don’t believe it. It’s because I don’t have those inner conflicts or conversations with myself anymore about whether I should go running or do the work. I just do them because they feel easy to me now. And this is something you can also achieve.
6. Never Do Nothing
Some days you won’t feel like doing the thing. That’s fine. You’re human. But here’s the rule: never do nothing.
If you’re supposed to run 5km but you don’t feel like it: Run 1km. Or walk for 10 minutes. Just don’t skip entirely. I always go to the gym even when I don’t feel strong. When I’m there, I hear the music, I see other people working out, and then I’ll do 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer or something similar. Not the best training, but I was there, and that’s the most important thing.
Same for other goals:
If you’re supposed to work on your project for an hour but you’re exhausted: Work for 10 minutes. Write one sentence. Just don’t do nothing.
If you’re supposed to cook a healthy meal but you don’t have the energy: At least make a salad. At least skip the pizza and eat something neutral.
Why this matters:
The habit of showing up is more important than the quality of any single session. When you do nothing, you’re training yourself to do nothing. When you do something, even the bare minimum, you’re training yourself to show up.
Momentum beats perfection every time.
7. Remove or Reduce Misaligned People and Situations
This is uncomfortable to hear, but sometimes your environment includes people who are keeping you stuck.
The friends who always want to party when you’re trying to be healthy? You might need to see them less.
The relationship that keeps you small and scared? You might need to leave.
The job that drains every ounce of energy? You might need to plan an exit.
I’m not saying cut everyone out of your life. But you need to be honest about who supports your growth and who undermines it. Some people in your life are aligned with who you’re trying to become. Others are aligned with who you used to be.
You don’t owe anyone access to your life if they’re pulling you backward.
8. Make the Future Real Right Now
Your brain discounts future consequences. One pizza today doesn’t feel like a big deal. But here’s how to make it real:
Ask yourself: If I do this every day for the next year, where will I be?
If you eat pizza and drink beer every weekend for a year: You’ll gain weight, feel sluggish, and hate how you look.
If you watch Netflix every evening for a year instead of working on your project: You’ll be in the exact same place, still wishing you had started.
If you keep spending instead of saving for a year: You’ll have zero financial security and be one emergency away from crisis.
The question makes it real. It connects the choice you’re making right now to the inevitable outcome. And suddenly, one pizza doesn’t feel harmless anymore.
How I Closed My Own Gap
I’ll be honest with you. I spent years knowing what I should do and not doing it. I knew I should stop drinking so much. I didn’t. I knew I should leave bad relationships. I didn’t. I knew I should work on something meaningful. I didn’t.
What changed?
I stopped waiting for motivation. I changed my environment. I removed alcohol from my house. I ended the relationships that were keeping me stuck. I deleted Instagram because it was feeding my self-deception. I started running consistently, not because I felt like it, but because I decided that’s who I am now.
I tracked everything. I wrote down what I actually did every day, not what I planned to do. The gap between my stated goals and my actions became impossible to ignore.
And slowly, the identity shifted. I stopped being someone who “wants to be healthy” and became someone who runs and eats healthy every day (no cheat meals at all). I stopped being someone who “wants to write” and became someone who publishes every week. I stopped being someone who “plans to change” and became someone who actually does the work.
Today, I have a completely different life than I did three years ago. I’ve never been healthier, fitter, or happier in my whole life, and it’s not because I became rich or found the woman of my life. It’s because I started to be reliable to myself and take my goals and plans seriously, whatever it takes. I learned consistency, stopped complaining, and realized that I don’t actually need a lot to be happy.
It wasn’t fast. It wasn’t easy.
And you can do it too. Not because you’re special or disciplined or different. But because you’re willing to be honest about where you are and do the uncomfortable work of closing the gap.
It Won’t Be Perfect (And That’s Okay)
Alignment isn’t about perfection. You’ll still have days where you order pizza. Days where you skip the gym. Days where you watch Netflix instead of working on your project.
That’s being human.
But closing the gap even 50% changes everything. Going from doing nothing to doing something most of the time is the difference between staying stuck and actually building the life you want.
The life you say you want is on the other side of doing what you know you should do.
Not thinking about it. Not planning it. Not talking about it. Doing it.
You already know what you should do.
So why don’t you do it?
Now you know. And now you have no more excuses.
Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David
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Thanks David, this is a very brutally honest piece. Congrats on your transformational journey. I'm also on a similar path, but still a long way to go. It does feel so much better when I look back at where I started. My biggest trap was to buy books and courses about various topics (self-improvement and business) before looking at my emotional regulation issues. I only learned later, that all my failed attempts were due to not being able to regulate my emotions. Since working on that, many of the tips and tricks now started to work finally.