The Lessons You Can't Learn Until You Live Them
15 truths I wish I'd believed sooner
People who are into self-improvement have probably read the story of the Mexican fisherman, but if you haven’t, here it is:
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, “only a little while.” The American then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.”
“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”
“Millions. Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
Author Unknown
This story tells an unteachable lesson about life that the fisherman already knew but the businessman needed to learn his own way. Sometimes what we’re seeking is something we already possess, but we have to learn how to see it while taking our own, sometimes difficult journey.
I collected 15 other unteachable lessons about life that I wanted to share. You can reflect on them and embrace them earlier in your own life.
1. Money Does Not Create Happiness
People without money believe it will fix everything. People who make a lot of money realize it only removes some problems and creates new ones.
This is common wisdom. Everyone knows it. Still, most people seek money even when they already have enough, hoping that more money in the bank will make them happier.
But the truth is, if you’re not happy with less money, you won’t be happier with a lot of money either.
It’s important to note that money can solve problems, and those problems can make you unhappy. That’s true. But buying cars, designer clothes, or eating in the most expensive restaurants won’t increase your happiness baseline ever.
2. No One Is Coming to Save You
Another common wisdom from the self-help world. What does this say? Advice helps, support helps, but responsibility is yours. This usually hits after waiting too long for change.
I fell into this trap too many times.
I hoped that a relationship would help me deal with my own demons.
I hoped that somebody would call me and give me the job I really wanted.
I hoped that somebody would solve my problems.
The truth is, if I don’t get up and do something about these things, nothing will happen.
It can be really hard, especially when you hit rock bottom, to stand up again. But if you don’t do it, you can’t expect improvement either.
Taking responsibility is one of the most important characteristics of being a mature adult. Start today with it. Try not to learn it the way I learned it.
3. Trying Harder Is Not Always the Answer
Sometimes the problem is not effort but direction. You learn this after burning out.
If you become the unstoppable force and push against the unmovable object, at some point you’ll give up and you’ll have wasted all your valuable energy on the wrong thing.
I tried too hard to convince women to love me. I tried too hard to get a raise while working more and more. Then I didn’t understand why the other guy got the promotion even though he worked less but smarter.
It’s always important to question the direction and intensity of your effort. Sometimes you just need to pivot a little bit or even do less to get the same or better results.
Don’t try too hard.
4. Being Liked Is Expensive
People pleasing costs energy, authenticity, and self-respect. Most people learn this only after exhaustion.
This unteachable lesson describes my 20s completely. I wanted to fit into the community around me so badly that I said yes to everyone. I helped people move. I said yes to every drink. I played the clown so they’d like me a bit more.
These behaviors ended up in shaking hands, panic attacks, and the realization that people didn’t like me at all but my performances and service.
Not a great way to learn this. Fortunately, today I don’t want to be liked anymore. And funnily, more people like me now than when I tried so badly.
5. Comfort Slowly Kills Ambition
Nothing dramatic happens. You just wake up years later wondering where your drive went.
I know a lot of people who started to settle around 40. They don’t exercise anymore and are never cold. The fridge is always full, and cuddling on the couch became the symbol of well-being.
On the other hand, they complain. No energy. Back pain. Fear of change. Belly fat. Bad sleep. Feeling sluggish all the time.
They think it’s aging, but it’s lifestyle.
Comfort doesn’t only kill your ambition. It kills you literally, way earlier than you want.
Having goals, being active, doing hard stuff regularly are key elements of a longer life while feeling alive.
6. You Cannot Change People
You can explain, help, and push, but people only change when they want to.
This is learned through frustration.
And how frustrated I was when I wanted my girlfriends to be different human beings than what they were.
I forced people to do things
I wanted them to do.
To behave differently.
Be more like me.
It never worked.
People got frustrated because I pushed, and I got frustrated because it didn’t work.
A lose-lose situation that led to bad endings of relationships.
The same applied to my parents. I spent years trying to fix them. Sending them articles about alcoholism. Offering to pay for therapy. Explaining how their behavior affected me.
Nothing changed. Not because they didn’t understand.
Because they didn’t want to change.
7. Time Is More Valuable Than Money
You only understand this when time starts to feel limited.
The realization comes at the same time as the problem with too much comfort.
The perception of time changes drastically around 40.
In our 20s, we feel like we have all the time in the world, and we waste it recklessly while dreaming about a lot of money.
Then we age, and the view of our life gets different.
Around 40, we realize we’ve passed halftime.
Free weekends or free days become more valuable. Money is still nice, but I wouldn’t exchange two weeks of vacation for a Gucci sweater.
Quick favor: If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you subscribed to Running Home. I share more stories like this about growth, awareness, and the messy journey back to yourself. It’s free, and it helps me keep writing honestly.
8. Freedom Matters More Than Status
Titles, recognition, and admiration feel good briefly. Freedom feels good every day.
At work, sometimes I check my boss’s calendar. He has around 20 minutes of “free” time besides his lunch break, and he works on weekends as well.
He has a great salary, but honestly, I wouldn’t do his job for a second.
Knowing every day that I can close my laptop and go to the gym is extremely valuable to me. Being able to work from anywhere, not being disturbed on my vacation, are much more important than any level of status.
9. Avoiding Pain Creates More Pain
Distraction works short term. Long term, everything comes back stronger.
I spent years avoiding my childhood pain. I drank. I smoked. I worked constantly. I dated four times a week.
But the pain didn’t disappear. It accumulated. It grew.
When I finally stopped running and faced it in therapy, it was much harder than if I’d dealt with it earlier. The years of avoidance just made the reckoning more brutal.
The thing you’re avoiding today will still be there tomorrow. Except tomorrow it will be bigger, and you’ll be more tired.
10. Consistency Beats Intensity
Most people learn this after failing with motivation-based bursts of effort.
I used to go hard at the gym for three weeks, then quit for six months. I’d write five articles in a week, then nothing for two months. I’d save aggressively for a month, then spend it all.
Nothing stuck. Nothing grew.
Now I run five times a week. Not because I’m motivated. Because it’s Tuesday, and I run on Tuesdays. I write every week. Not when inspiration strikes. Every week.
The intensity of a single session doesn’t matter. The boring repetition over years creates everything.
11. Loneliness and Being Alone Are Not the Same
You can feel lonely in a relationship and peaceful alone. This usually comes after heartbreak.
I felt lonelier in some of my relationships than I ever felt living alone.
Sitting next to someone who doesn’t understand you is worse than sitting alone understanding yourself.
Being alone is a state.
Loneliness is a feeling.
You can be alone without being lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel completely isolated.
I’m alone most of the time now. I’m rarely lonely.
12. Your Body Keeps the Score
You can ignore sleep, stress, and health for years. Eventually, the bill arrives.
I ignored everything in my 20s. Two cans of energy drinks for breakfast. Four cigarettes. Pizza for lunch. Alcohol every night. No exercise. No sleep.
I thought I was invincible.
At 35, the bill arrived. Panic attacks. Hair loss. Dry skin. Constant fatigue. My body had been keeping score the whole time, and I hadn’t been paying attention.
Now I sleep 8 hours. I exercise. I don’t drink. I eat well. Not because I’m disciplined. Because I learned what happens when you don’t.
Your body will forgive you for a while. Then it stops forgiving.
13. Most Fears Never Happen
But the fear still steals years of life before you realize that.
I was terrified of going no contact with my parents. I thought I’d regret it. I thought I’d feel guilty forever. I thought something terrible would happen.
None of it happened. I felt relief. I felt free. Nothing terrible occurred.
I wasted years afraid of a consequence that never came.
Most of what you’re afraid of is fiction. But the time you spend afraid is real.
14. Not Choosing Is Also a Choice
Staying stuck feels safe until you realize time moved on without you.
I stayed in wrong relationships because I was afraid to choose to leave. I stayed in wrong jobs because I was afraid to choose to quit. I stayed in wrong cities because I was afraid to choose to move.
I thought not choosing was neutral. It’s not. Not choosing is choosing the default. And the default is usually whatever you already have.
Time doesn’t wait for you to feel ready.
It moves.
And if you don’t choose, life chooses for you.
15. Self-Respect Is Built, Not Given
No amount of validation replaces living in alignment with yourself.
I chased validation for years. From women. From employers. From friends. From my parents.
It never worked. Even when I got it, it didn’t fill anything.
Self-respect only came when I started living according to my own values, not other people’s expectations. When I quit drinking even though my friends thought I was boring. When I went no contact even though society said I owed my parents. When I chose my life over approval.
You can’t earn self-respect through other people’s opinions.
You build it through your own actions.
The Thing About Unteachable Lessons
I wish I’d believed these things when people first told me.
I would have saved years.
But that’s not how it works.
Some lessons require living.
The pain teaches what words cannot.
The time wasted teaches what urgency cannot.
The mistakes teach what advice cannot.
You’re probably reading this and nodding at some, skeptical of others.
That’s normal.
I did the same thing at 25.
The ones you resist the most are usually the ones you need to learn.
I can’t teach you these. But maybe I can save you a few years of finding out.
Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David
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