Being Single in Your Late 30s Isn't the Problem. Your Fear Is.
Telling people you're single is harder than actually being single
I’m 38, single, and from my point of view, I have an amazing life.
My job gives me the opportunity to evolve and make the money I need. My side project provides creative fulfillment. I take care of my body, maintain a healthy diet, read every day, travel as much as possible, and work toward the goals I’ve defined for myself.
When people ask how I’m doing, the answer is simple: I’m doing great.
Happy people are usually boring, and others tend to comment that I always give the same answer. But it’s the truth.
This is also the first time in my life that I’m not desperately searching for a new relationship. Don’t get me wrong: I’m open to a healthy, loving relationship. But I’m not dating four times a week to fill the void of not being happy alone. That’s progress.
On the other hand, people and society try to convince me that something is wrong with me.
When they ask “Are you STILL single?” it sounds like I have a disease that needs curing.
“David, you’ll end up alone,” they warn.
“Who’s going to change your diaper if you don’t have kids?” they ask.
I’ve grown accustomed to these fear-filled opinions about being single at this age. But I have to be honest: not too long ago, these comments affected me deeply. I felt behind, as if my life wasn’t complete.
Many people feel this way. There’s a growing pressure to find somebody so they don’t have to hear these politely wrapped criticisms anymore. Society tells us that something must be wrong with us if we don’t have a partner.
When I was younger, my need to prove I was “good enough” to have an adult romantic relationship drove me into the most toxic ones. I never chose my girlfriends. I was chosen. I heard once that if you see a couple on the street, the woman has the best man she could find, and the man has the only woman he could find.
I refuse to believe that.
That’s why I stopped dating brainlessly. I want my next partner to be someone I genuinely like, not just someone who wants me while I’m grateful to have at least one woman say yes.
So I became more patient. The work I’ve done on myself over the last few years helped me feel happy alone and eliminated the neediness that once defined my approach to dating.
But let’s examine the reasons why people panic about being single later in life.
Why People Panic About Being Single
The Biological Clock
This is something I can’t argue with. The desire to have children through traditional biological means increases the pressure, and I understand this reason completely.
However, this pressure stems less from being single and more from the timeline for having children. I’m not going to focus on this aspect in this article.
The Questions and Judgment
Parents and friends who are already in relationships or married with kids all ask the same questions. “Have you found someone yet?”
The discussion always follows the same trajectory I mentioned above: something must be wrong with you. If there wasn’t, you’d already be in a relationship.
They never consider that maybe I simply haven’t found the right person yet. Or that I’m happy alone. Or that I have other priorities in my life that matter more than fulfilling other people’s expectations.
According to them, the problem can only be you.
Fear of Loneliness
Ending up alone represents another significant fear about being single. People envision themselves old, sitting alone in a silent room.
This is indeed a real risk that can happen to any of us, but not exclusively because we’re single. It happens to many people who have had or still have families.
Cultivating good relationships with people, maintaining friendships, having pets, and participating in communities can all help address loneliness. But making this problem completely dependent on a romantic partner creates enormous pressure on that person. A partner shouldn’t be the sole solution to loneliness.
Social Comparison
I often find myself at tables where everyone else is in a relationship, married, or even divorced but partnered again. A few years ago, I dreaded those evenings. I sometimes avoided them altogether once I knew I’d be the only single person there.
The reason was simple: I compared my life to their visible lives. I’d see them in that moment and think, Everyone here has a Hollywood-type relationship. I’d scroll through Instagram, seeing beautiful photos of couples posing on beaches or at events, and I wanted that desperately.
But I had no idea how they actually spent their time together. Whether they fought constantly or were genuinely happy. Whether infidelity was part of their story. I only saw the carefully curated snapshots, which left me feeling jealous and behind.
Being Wanted or Chosen
Most people carry their own definition of purpose and life fulfillment. For some, being wanted or chosen forms the core of that definition. Being single undermines their sense of purpose, leaving them feeling sad. They want to feel needed by someone, chosen by someone.
Fear of Time
Romantic relationships are often associated with youth. People worry that growing older diminishes their chances of finding the partner they’ve imagined.
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Why These Fears Are a Problem
People Abandon What They Want
Countless people in the world didn’t pursue what they wanted because they chose a relationship out of fear. These individuals typically wake up at 57 and panic, realizing what they sacrificed. Sometimes it’s too late.
Prioritizing your own desires is crucial to living a fulfilled life, rather than maintaining a relationship that merely saves you from being alone without actually making you happy.
Ending Up in a Bad Relationship
This is the classic pattern. Someone becomes single and two weeks later enters another relationship because they can’t tolerate being alone for even a few months.
Usually, these people don’t recognize the pattern. They use their relationships as emotional crutches to feel better about themselves. But these relationships inevitably end quickly because there’s no solid foundation to sustain them for years.
Fear Lowers Standards
Remember when I mentioned that men often end up with the only woman they could find? Women do this too. When fear and panic reach a certain threshold, people accept anyone who says yes.
That’s not a good deal.
I don’t believe these qualify as real relationships. They’re more accurately described as toxic codependencies where both people attempt to rescue each other from their fears.
Authenticity Disappears
When I desperately wanted to find a partner, I was willing to play whatever role they found attractive. This was my lifelong strategy until age 35.
I started wearing masks. I read books about becoming a “badass man” and pretended to be a macho type so women would think I was cool. I said things I didn’t believe, trying to project a “don’t give a shit” attitude because I thought women loved those guys.
Eventually, the relationship exhausted me with all the pretending. Those women realized I wasn’t who they thought I was. They felt disappointed. I felt hurt because they didn’t like the real me.
Everyone lost.
The Dependency
The partner transforms into a source of validation, stability, or identity. People stay together not because they love, respect, and admire each other, but because the relationship has become integral to their identity.
In these relationships, infidelity often occurs because people maintain two separate lives. One is the relationship they present to the world. The other is what they actually want. Surprisingly, some couples live their entire lives this way.
It sounds exhausting.
Conflict Becomes Harder
When a relationship exists primarily to avoid loneliness or judgment, there’s an overwhelming fear of disrupting the status quo. Problems remain unaddressed because the perceived cost of separation feels too high.
I know many couples trapped in this dynamic. Watching them suppress their opinions to maintain artificial harmony clearly isn’t healthy.
They smile at each other while claiming everything is fine, then lie awake at night because they’re suppressing emotions like anger or frustration. All of this happens because their fear of being single outweighs their need for honesty and authenticity.
The Reality of Being Single (Or What It Could Be)
I believe that once we remove fear from the equation, being single isn’t remotely negative.
In fact, it can be wonderful.
As a single person, you have an exceptional opportunity to truly know yourself without a partner’s influence.
Why does this matter?
When you know yourself well, you understand what makes you happy. And when you know what makes you happy, loneliness becomes rare because you fill your life with things you genuinely love.
But before everything else, you need to understand and accept this fundamental truth:
Being single is not permanent.
It’s not a failure requiring urgent correction.
It’s a phase where you can dedicate your time and energy to whatever you choose. You make all decisions for yourself. Your routines, goals, and values emerge from intention rather than negotiation.
Many people discover their authentic selves only when they stop adapting to someone else’s expectations.
Being single also demands emotional responsibility. There’s no partner to distract you from your inner world.
You must face boredom, loneliness, insecurity, and desire directly. That feels challenging, but it’s precisely where self-trust and resilience develop.
Being single creates space to raise your standards. When you’re content alone, you stop choosing partners out of fear. You become selective rather than desperate. Relationships transform into additions to your life rather than rescues from it.
The biggest misconception suggests that being single means something is missing.
In reality, it often means something valuable is being built.
People who learn to find peace on their own tend to create the healthiest relationships later because they choose from a place of wholeness rather than need.
And being single and happy doesn’t mean you no longer want a relationship or never feel alone.
I want a relationship.
I want a girlfriend who explores the world with me, someone I can share everything with. Someone who looks at me with love in her eyes while I return that same love.
These feelings are completely normal. Wanting a relationship and occasionally feeling alone are simply signals of desire, not warnings that should trigger panic.
How to Be Single Without Panic
Most people who panic about being single aren’t happy alone. This is a recurring theme in my articles because the ability to feel good in your own company represents the most crucial skill you can develop, one that benefits you throughout your entire life.
With that said, start with yourself.
If you feel uncomfortable alone, that’s a clear sign you shouldn’t be searching for a relationship because you’re operating from the wrong motivation. Instead, focus on working on yourself.
I know the “build the best version of yourself” advice sounds clichéd, but when done properly, it genuinely transforms your life.
Start with Your Body
Your body forms the foundation of everything else in your life. When you feel fit and healthy, your mind becomes brighter and calmer.
Get in shape by finding your own approach. You don’t need a gym membership. List ten activities that could increase your activity level: kayaking, yoga, Pilates, walking, running.
Fix your diet. When you stop eating garbage and pay attention to what you consume, the results feel miraculous. Diet actually matters more than exercise. Eating well improves how you feel, clears your skin, and enhances your sleep quality. Better sleep reduces junk food cravings and increases your likelihood of exercising.
Remove the Expectation
At the beginning of your journey toward being happily single, you might succumb to the expectation fallacy. You won’t master being happy alone in two weeks. I’m stating this directly: You won’t. It will require months, possibly more than a year.
But removing time-related expectations allows you to work on yourself without pressure.
Tell yourself: I’m single, and that’s absolutely fine. It’s not a failure requiring a solution. I’m focusing on myself, and this represents a new phase of my life.
Delayed gratification is real. Trust the process and keep working.
Develop the Self-Connection
This step forms the core of being happy alone. In one of my previous articles, I explained how to discover yourself and identify your true interests if you haven’t found them yet.
I figured this out by walking in the park alone, without music, for months. I started listening to myself. How do I feel? What would I love to do? I became honest with myself.
During this phase, I acknowledged out loud that I’m an introvert who doesn’t enjoy being around strangers or loud people. I love reading and writing. The fact that I’d started blogs and websites before might signal I should pursue that path. I love watching Marvel movies.
I adjusted my behavior based on these discoveries, which helped me live the life I genuinely want and enjoy. That became the doorstep to being happy alone.
Redefine Successful Life for YOU
The definition of success should come from you, not your friends, parents, or society at large.
For me, success means having a house in the mountains or near the ocean, surrounded by my dogs, having visited all the places I’ve dreamed of seeing, participating in challenges like marathons, reading extensively, writing well, maintaining strong friendships, staying healthy and fit, and if circumstances allow, sharing my life with a loving girlfriend.
It definitely doesn’t match society’s clichéd definition: high-status job, wife, kids, cars, and material possessions.
You should define success for yourself and pursue that vision instead of living under others’ expectations.
Reduce Comparison
Defining your own success becomes easier when you reduce or eliminate sources of comparison in your life, particularly social media.
Deleting Instagram helped me tremendously in finding my own path because I’d been subconsciously comparing my life to others, which made me feel miserable about my own ideas. Once I stopped watching other people’s lives, I could finally focus on my own.
When you don’t share every moment of your life, people can’t criticize it. That’s particularly important at the beginning when you’re taking tentative steps toward living your authentic life.
My Own Single Life
I want to share a brief note from my personal experience because I know many people struggle with being single and feel lonely.
Listen to me: I’m 38. I’m average-looking. I don’t have significant wealth. I’m not smarter than most people, and I grew up believing I wasn’t enough. I don’t have contact with my parents. I have only a few close friends. I spend Christmas alone. I travel alone. I go to movie theaters and concerts alone.
You might assume I live a sad existence, but the opposite is true.
On weekends, I laugh more than most people in relationships because I’ve found peace with myself and genuinely enjoy my own company. I spend Christmas alone without the holiday stress that burdens most people. I travel without compromises, relax in saunas after workouts, read books I love, watch movies I choose, and maintain endless plans for future years.
I’m happy. I’ve never experienced a more balanced life than I have today.
I wanted to share this to demonstrate that someone like me, with all these apparently negative circumstances, can live a wonderful life.
Being single can be extraordinary if you want it to be. You can start living the life you want by simply deciding to take those steps.
I wish you strength and love for your journey.
You’re going to be happy alone.
Thanks for sticking with me through this one. If you’re going through something similar, or have your own experience with this, drop a comment. I read every one. — David
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